02 Dealing With Emotions – Holistic Harmony

How to use Inspired Questions in combination with brain balancing.

Posted on April 1, 2013June 2, 2020 by Holistic Harmony

How to use Inspired Questions in combination with brain balancing.

Chose the inspired question which you would like to use in order to install a certain belief.

Examples might be

WHY DO I FEEL SO SAFE WITH ALL PEOPLE?

WHY AM I FEELING SO SAFE IN GENERAL?

WHY AM I WORTHY OF LOVE AND RESPECT EXACTLY AS I AM?

WHY AM I FEELING FREE TO BE MY SELF?

WHY AM I FEELING UNDERSTANDING TOWARDS THAT PERSONS BEHAVIOR?

WHY AM I SO FORGIVING?

WHY AM I SO COMFORTABLE WITH MYSELF AND OTHERS.

WHY AM I AM ABLE TO LOVE MYSELF AS I AM?

WHY AM I FREE FROM NEEDING APPROVAL?

WHY DO I PERCEIVE LIFE AS SO EASY?

WHY DO I ACCEPT MY WEAKNESS AND MISTAKES?

WHY AM I SO SURE OF MY ABILITY TO SUCCEED.

Then take the position for the brain balancing with the right ankle resting on the left and the right wrist over the left while meshing the fingers.

Begin to mentally repeat the chosen question over and over in a relaxed way, not to prove it to yourself, but simply because it is a truth or possible truth. Do this for about two minutes asking the inspired question over and over.

Then stop asking and for about two minutes receive possible answers to that question – practical, logical and spiritual.

The for another two minutes repeat the question again and again stopping each time to receive answers that come to you after each repetition of the question . The answers can also be the same and also new ones each time. So you ask the question and receive as many answers that come and then ask again and receive answers.

Now switch the ankles and hands, placing the left on top.

Now bring to mind a scene from your daily life where perhaps your ability to experience the particular truth is challenged or more difficult. Imagine and experience that you are able to experience that truth (and any other useful truth) while confronting that particular stimulus or situation which until now has caused you to lose your peace. Do this then with two more scenes, imaging and experiencing in each that you are able to feel centered, worthy and safe in each situation.

Then place the finger tips of your opposite hands together and feel that this new positive perception, belief and feeling are being deeply installed in your conscious and subconscious mind.

Some possible answers to some of the questions might be.

Because there is no reason for any one to want to harm me.

Because I am strong and capable of caring for myself.

Because all of the moments I felt danger have passed and I am still okay.

Because I am a good and lovable person.

Because people in general like me.

Because I am charismatic.

Because I live in a safe country in a safe environment.

Because I have been able to deal with every situation life has ever brought me.

Because my self-worth is a granted and no one can ever change that.

Because my self-worth is a granted and no one increase it or decrease it.

Because I am worthy of love and accept as I am.

Because life brings me only what is in my highest interest as a soul in evolution.

Because we are all expressions of the Divine.

Because I am an immortal expression of the Divine

LISTEN TO THE GUIDED TECHNIQUE HERE

HEALING THE INNER CHILD

Posted on February 27, 2013June 2, 2020 by Holistic Harmony

HEALING THE INNER CHILD

CHAPTER 23 from the book The Psychology of Happiness by Robert Elias Najemy

Note:

The work described in this chapter usually requires

guidance by a person experienced in this work.

Our inner child is that part of our subconscious that still feels, thinks and behaves in the ways we learned as children. Our emotional life is largely dictated by the feelings, beliefs and needs generated by our childhood experiences.

We have become split personalities who function with two minds. One is logical while the other still perceives life through the eyes of the children that once we were. While one knows logically that we have no reason to fear or doubt ourselves, the other continues to experience anxiety, fear, guilt and self-doubt. While we know cognitively that we have the ability to deal with life, a part of ourselves continues to be fearful, jealous and angry.

We may not be consciously aware that our inner child feels vulnerable, lonely, fearful, angry or hurt, yet, these emotions are very visible in the form of our fears and defensive reactions. Our hidden emotions are also quite evident in our tensions and psychosomatic illnesses.

On the other hand, our inner child and other aspects of our subconscious are a rich and abundant source of inspiration, joy, creativity and love for life.

We need to establish contact with our inner child and learn to accept and love it as it is, while at the same time educating it concerning the truth of its divine nature. We can then heal our inner child of its traumas and misconceptions while simultaneously recovering from it our innocence, joy and inner connection with life.

Regardless of which techniques we employ in relationship to the inner child, it is essential that we develop a relationship with it by communicating daily. We suggest the following technique.

DAILY COMMUNICATION

WITH THE CHILD WITHIN

1. Sit or lie down with the spine straight.

2. Relax the entire body and mind through your preferred relaxation or concentration technique.

3. Imagine the inner child and communicate with it. (It might appear at any age.)

a. Ask it how it feels.

b. Ask if it has some needs it would like to satisfy.

c. Speak to it about your needs as an adult.

4. Give it positive reinforcement. Our child needs to hear about love, security and self-worth.

5. Mentally embrace the child and hold it with tenderness and love.

a. Feel (imagine) the child in your arms.

b. Identify with the small body and feel yourself inside the embrace accepting the love and tenderness offered to you.

c. Become one with the child.

This technique can be performed as a prelude to any meditation, relaxation technique, prayer or positive projection technique, or alone as it is. Once mastered, it takes only five minutes.

DISCOVERING OUR PAST

Our first step will be to discover the events that might have programmed our inner child to be overly sensitive to situations or stimuli, which we now objectively realize, are not worth losing our peace over. In studying the following list of possible childhood experiences, we might find some experiences described exactly as we remember them, while others may remind us of experiences that are somehow different than the ones described. Some memories or associations may take time to come. We may be reminded of something else of which we would like to take note.

LIST OF CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCES

Note: After each experience, you will find a list of numbers with the letter “B” referring to the list of possible beliefs, subconscious conclusions of the child, which may have been programmed into our childhood mind because of these experiences. This list can be found on our web site www.HolisticHarmony.com. The numbers here refer to the numbers of the beliefs on that list.

Wherever the questions refer to our parents or other persons of our childhood, we must also think of stepmothers, stepfathers, grandparents, uncles, aunts, brothers and sisters, cousins, teachers and any other persons who existed in our lives as a child up to the age of 18.

1. Was there someone who became angry with you, scolded you, rejected you or accused you? Who and when? B=(1,2,3,4,5,6,7,13,14,15,16,70,142,143).

2. Were there people in your family who fought among themselves or rejected or hurt one another? Who and when? B=(1,2,3,4,5,6,143).

3. Have you ever experienced the feeling of abandonment? Were you ever left alone? Have you ever felt that others didn’t understand you, or that you would receive no support? When? By whom? How? B= (1,4,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,70,142).

4. Did you ever feel the need for more affection, tenderness or expression of love? From whom and when (during which periods of your life)? B= (1,13,14, 15,16,142).

5. Were there persons in your environment who were often ill or who often spoke of illness? Did they ever blame you for their illness or did you ever feel guilty concerning their illness? Who and when? B= (17,18,19,20,21,22).

6. Did you ever experience the feeling of humiliation in the presence of others or in connection with others? In which cases? B= (1,4,5,8,14,23,24,25,70,143).

7. Were you ever compared to others as to whether you were less or more capable or worthy? To whom, in which instances, and in connection with which abilities or character traits? B= (1,23,24,25,26,70,143).

8. Have you ever lost a loved one? Who and when? B= (7,8,9,10,11,12,14,15,17, 18,21,27,28,2,142).

9. Did anyone ever approach you sexually without your consent? Who, when, and how did you feel? B=(1,30,31,32,33, 34,136,142).

10. Were you ever aware of your parents or anyone else making love? Who and when? How did you feel and what did you think? B= (33,34,35,36,37).

11. Did your parents ever state that you were the only reason they stayed together, and that this had been a big sacrifice on their part? Did they ever tell you they had sacrificed a great deal for your sake, and that you were indebted to them? Who? When? About what matters? What exactly do they believe you owe them? B= (1,6,38,39,40,41,41,42,43,141,143).

12. Did anyone ever accuse you of being the cause of his or her unhappiness, illness or problems? Who accused you and about what exactly? What did they mean by saying that it was your fault? What does this statement mean to you? According to them, what should you have done? B= (38,39,40,41,42,43,44,45,46,47, 48,49,50,51,52.53,54,141,143).

13. Did anyone ever say you would never achieve anything in your life, that you are lazy, incompetent, or dumb? Who, when and concerning what matters? B= (55,56,57,58,59,60,141,142,143).

14. Were you ever caught playing with your genitals (alone or with others), and did anyone make you feel guilty about that? Who? When? What was their message? B= (61,62,63).

15. Did anyone speak about guilt and punishment from a person, a parent, the police or God? Who? When? About what types of guilt and what type of punishment? B= (1,62,63,64,65,141,142,143).

16. Did any teacher ever make you feel humiliated in front of other children? When? How? Concerning what? B= (66,67,68,69,142,143).

17. Did you ever feel rejection or inferiority in the company of other children? By whom? Inferior by what criteria? B= (23,24,25,26,70,142,143).

18. Were you ever told you were responsible for the general well being of your siblings or others, and that whatever happened to them was your responsibility? Who did? About whom? Concerning what matters were you responsible? B= (44,45,46,47,48,49,50,51,52,53, 54,141,143).

19. Were you ever made to understand in some way (negative or positive) that in order for someone to be acceptable and lovable, one must: B= (141,142,143).

___a. Be better than the others?

___b. Be first at everything?

___c. Be perfect, without faults?

___d. Be intelligent and clever?

___e. Be handsome / beautiful?

___f. Have perfect order and cleanliness at home?

___g. Have great success in his/her love life?

___h. Be financially and socially successful?

___i. Be accepted by everyone?

___j. Be active in many ways? Achieve many things?

___k. Always satisfy the needs of others?

___l. Never say “no” to others?

___m. Never express his/her personal needs?

20. Did anyone ever make you believe in some way that you were incapable of thinking, making decisions, or achieving things by yourself, and that you would always need to depend on others? Who passed on this message to you? About what matters were you supposedly “incapable” of making decisions or handling life properly? B= (91,92,93,94,142,143).

21. Did you ever have role models (parents, older siblings or others) who were, or still are, so dynamic and competent that you felt: B= (95,96,97,98,141,142,143).

a. The need to be like them?

b. The need to prove your worth, to reach or even surpass these models?

c. Despair, self-rejection, abandonment of effort, self-destructive tendencies (possibly subconscious), because you believed you could never measure up to them?

In connection with whom has any of this occurred (a, b or c) and with what criteria of success?

22. Has there ever been in your environment someone with unexpected, unpredictable, nervous or even schizophrenic behavior (possibly alcohol or drug induced) making it difficult for you to anticipate what he or she might do next? Have they engaged in violent behavior (physical or psychological)? By whom, and what was the behavior like? B= (1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,11,12,13,14,15,16,99,100, 101,102,103,104,105,106,107,108,135,142)

23. Have you felt rejection towards or shame concerning one of your parents? For whom and why? B= (109,110,111,112,142,143).

24. Did you ever make the discovery that one of your parents had an extra-marital affair? When and under what circumstances? How did you feel about that?

B= (83,104,109,110,111,112).

25. Did anyone often speak to you about a vengeful, punishing God or about the “Devil?” Who did, and in what context? B= (1,62,63,64,65,113,114,135,141,142,143).

26. Did you ever feel that someone told you one thing but did another, that there was no consistency in their words, that they had a double standard – one for themselves and another for others – or that they were hypocritical, false and deceptive? Who and when? Concerning what topics? B= (115,116, 117,118,119,120,121).

27. Upon what was your parents’ security based?

___a) on money?

___b) on the others’ opinions?

___c) on education?

___d) on personal power?

___e) on the unity of the family?

___f) on property?

___g) on one’s spouse?

___h) other? _________________________

B= (122,123,124,125,126,127,128,129,142,143).

28. Were you a spoiled child who always got whatever you wanted, and to whom no one ever refused a favor? B= (131,132,142).

29. Did anyone suppress your freedom of movement and expression? Did they force you to do things you did not want to do? (study, visits, dress). Did they forbid you to do things you wanted to do? What were you forced to do or prevented from doing? B= (135,136,137,138,142,143).

30. (FOR WOMEN). Did anyone in some way try to make you believe that since you are a girl:

a. You are worth less than a man?

b. You are not safe without a man?

c. Sex is dirty (a sin)?

d. You must be married in order to be socially accepted?

e. You are less competent than men?

f. Your only mission is to serve others?

g. You must not express your needs, feelings or opinions?

h. You must submit yourself to your husband?

i. You must be attractive to be acceptable?

B= (133 a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h,i,j,k,l,m,n,o, 141,142.143).

31. (FOR MEN). Did anyone in some way try to make you believe that since you are a boy:

a. You must be strong?

b. You must be superior, more competent, stronger and more intelligent than your wife?

c. Your self worth is measured according to the success of your love life or the number of your sexual conquests?

d. Your worth is measured according to your professional (financial) success?

e. You must compare yourself with other men?

B= (134 a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h,i,j,k,l, 141,142,143).

ADDITIONAL AIDS FOR THE

SEARCH INTO THE CHILDHOOD YEARS

In addition to this list of childhood experiences, we can also search the past in the following ways:

1. Through childhood regressions: Guided by a well-trained professional, we can re-experience memories of the past.

2. By writing the story of our childhood years, we can strengthen our contact with the details of the past. This can be written in the first person, but even better in the third person, as if we are chronicling the life of some other person. This enables us to be more objective and honest in our observations. We will discover patterns of behavior that we tend to repeat throughout the years. We will find the experiences that have marked our subconscious, creating our emotional mechanisms.

This life story need not be detailed in chronological order. Each day, we can add whatever we remember in any order.

The first comment made by many people is, “ I don’t remember anything before the age of ten. How will I do this?” This is no problem. As we start to write, the subconscious will be awakened and memories will start flowing forth. The more we write, the more the memories will be activated.

Placing old photographs before us as we write will help, as will asking parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts and older brothers and sisters what they can remember. We are not obligated to accept their interpretation of the past, but their words may trigger other memories.

Best results will be obtained if we dedicate at least twenty minutes daily to this process for at least three months.

The basic guidelines for writing the story of our childhood years are:

a. Add whatever additional memories you remember each day.

b. It need not to be in chronological order.

c. We can write in the third or first person.

d. Ask others (parents, uncles, aunts, siblings, grandparents) what they remember.

e. Look at old pictures.

3. A questionnaire for getting acquainted with the inner child

Answering these questions will assist our investigation into the messages we might have received in our childhood years. Complete the following sentences with at least three answers for each if possible. Also, try to remember exactly what happened which caused you to come to those assumptions.

a. As a child, I heard that my most significant faults were…..

b. As a child, I felt guilty about/for….

c. Some messages I received about God were…

d. Some messages I received about sex were…

e. Some messages I received about money were…

f. I felt rejection when…

g. I felt fear when…

h. I felt shame or inferiority when…

i. I felt abandonment when

4. A deeper questionnaire concerning our beliefs

The following questionnaire will give us supplementary information concerning the programmings we developed in those early years. Please answer as honestly as you can, allowing enough time to establish contact with the various parts of your personality. Do not be surprised by needs, desires, beliefs and feelings that seem to conflict or be contradictory. This is quite common and natural for a person in the process of evolution who is passing through changes in his values, beliefs and needs.

Give three or more answers to each question.

A. The basis for our feelings of security.

1. The three positive human characteristics which I value most are …

2. The three negative human characteristics that I find most unacceptable are…

3. I love and accept myself more when ….

4. I feel guilty when …

5. I have negative feelings when…

6. I feel happy when …

7. I feel insecure when…

8. I feel secure when…

9. I do not believe I can ….

10. If my house were on fire and I could save only three objects (excluding people or animals), they would be…..

11. My three strongest fears are….

B. How I perceive others and how I believe they perceive me.

12. How I believe my spouse or love partner perceives me. (Or previous spouse or love partner. Or all spouses and love partners we have had until now.)

13. Three of my spouse’s (love partner’s) positive traits are …

14. Three of my spouse’s (love partner’s) negative traits are…

15. How I believe my parents perceive me….

16. My parents always told me that I was unable to …

17. The criticism I heard most often from my parents was…

18. Three of my father’s positive qualities were/are…

19. Three of my father’s negative qualities were/are…

20. Three of my mother’s positive qualities were/are…

21. Three of my mother’s negative qualities were/are…

22. This is how I remember my parents’ relationship until I was 21 years old.

23. I find it difficult to forgive others for…

C. How I see myself.

24. I feel weak and vulnerable when …

25. The criticism I hear most often from those around me is…

26. Three of my positive character traits are…

27. Three of my weaknesses or faults are …

28. I find it difficult to forgive myself for…

29. I feel unable to …

30. I wish I could …

31. I imagine God to be…

33. I feel God in my life when …. and in this way …

34. My life purpose is ….

35. Now imagine that you are writing to a very good friend whom you have not seen since grammar school, and you want to describe yourself to him. How would you do it?

Having discovered various experiences, which in the past were painful for us or have programmed us in negative ways, we can go on to analyze each experience separately with the help of the following questionnaire.

ANALYSIS OF UNPLEASANT CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCES

a. Describe an experience or general situation which was unpleasant, that made you feel fear, sorrow, guilt, rejection, danger, injustice, jealousy or any other unpleasant emotion.

b. What were the exact emotions you felt as a child?

c. What thoughts did you have, or what conclusions did you reach as a child because of this experience or situation?

d. In what way did you react then as a child?

e. What effect did this experience have upon you later in life, or even today?

f. If you could have been absolutely open and honest at that time, what would you have said to your parents, teachers, God or to others who played a part (or who were with you) in this event or in this situation concerning:

1. What you felt?

2. Your needs and desires?

3. What you wanted them to do or not do?

(Write the answers in the second person, as if you were speaking directly to them or writing them a letter).

When you finish with one experience or situation, go on to another and another, answering the same questions.

EXPRESSING THE EMOTIONS OF OUR CHILDHOOD YEARS

Once we have established contact with some of the unexpressed emotions, needs and beliefs of our childhood years, the next stage is to express and release them without, of course, hurting others. Some ways in which we can do this are listed here.

1. Write letters to the people who played an important role in the unpleasant and pleasant experiences of your childhood (parents, teachers, uncles, aunts, siblings, grandparents, others). We will not necessarily send these letters. We simply need to write them, in order to recognize and express what is hidden within us.

a. Communicate totally, openly and honestly.

b. Add new thoughts and feelings each day.

c. Do not concern yourself with chronological order.

d. Express how you felt at that young age (not how you see it or explain it now).

e. Release and express your negative and positive feelings.

f. Express the needs, feelings, desires and thoughts you had at that time.

We will also want to express our positive feelings, love and gratitude.

2. Read these letters to someone who is experienced in active listening and psychodrama.

a. If you find that reading these letters causes strong feelings, take time to express and release those feelings before you continue reading. You may then need to switch to an emotional release technique. Do not keep these emotions locked inside you.

b. You may need to read these letters additional times until the emotional charge is released. You can read it as many times as necessary until you are able to read it without feeling upset about the letter’s content.

3. Below is a more detailed questionnaire that will help with the clarification and expression of exactly what we felt, needed and believed as children. It is best if we write with the opposite hand than the one with which we usually write. In this way, we can more easily connect with the weakness, difficulty and vulnerability we experienced in those childhood years. It also stimulates the opposite side of the brain, bringing more memories to the surface.

Questions which aid in expressing our feelings as children

We imagine that one of the persons who played an important role in our childhood experiences is asking us these questions. We answer the questions separately for each person with whom we want to communicate.

It does not matter if the soul we are writing to has left his or her physical body. It does not matter whether the other can fully understand what we are writing. We are not writing this to give it to anyone (although, if we feel that it will help the other, we are free to do so). We are writing this in order to discover, understand and express ourselves more deeply.

We have everything to gain by being as honest as possible by answering from our inner child. If there are matters about which our inner child feels differently from our adult, we can express both sides if we choose, but it is best to place emphasis on the inner child’s opportunity to express it self.

These are the questions we are being asked by this person:

a. Tell me, when you were a child, did I do anything which upset you, hurt you or made you feel fear, rejection, guilt, injustice, bitterness, disappointment, guilt, anger or some other negative emotion?

b. Please tell about each occasion, situation or behavior separately. Give me the complete details:

1. What exactly did I do or not do?

2. How did you feel?

3. What did you think then?

4. What conclusions did you draw about yourself?

5. What conclusions did you draw about me?

c. Did you feel that I had high expectations of you, that I wanted you to be something special? Please explain to me exactly what you believed I wanted you to be physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, spiritually, etc. Perhaps because I praised you for some things, you believed that I accepted and loved you only if you excelled in those areas?

1. How did you feel about that?

2. What did you think then?

3. What conclusions did you draw about your self worth and love in general?

d. What other emotions would you like to express to me?

e. What did you need from me then which I did not give you enough of?

f. What would you have liked me to do then which I did not do?

g. What would you have preferred that I not do which I did?

h. Did you ever feel guilt, shame or self-rejection as a child?

1. At what times and for what reasons? What did you do, say or think?

2. What did you believe which made you feel guilty?

3. Did I, in any way, cause you to feel guilty in those situations? How?

4. Were others also instrumental in causing you to feel guilty? Who, and for what?

5. What would you like to say to me or to the others concerning those situations?

i. What could I do now, to help you feel better?

j. What could you yourself do now in order to feel better?

The above questions help us clarify what we need to express and release. The rest of the questions have to do with the process of transformation, and are best left until we feel we are ready to accept what happened, to forgive the perpetrators, and move on with a clean state. We will present them here but they should be used only when we are ready

Questions which aid in transforming:

k. What thought-forms (conclusions, beliefs) were created in you then due to those experiences?

l. Which of those thought-forms (conclusions, beliefs) have you totally overcome, and which are still alive in you, even to a small degree?

m. What do you think was my inner state, which caused me to behave the way I did then? (Remember that we are imagining that the person who may have hurt us with his behavior is asking us these questions.)

n. What do you think were the motives, needs, feelings, and beliefs that caused me to behave the way I did then?

o. If the spiritual truth that “life gives us exactly what we need as souls in evolution in order to evolve and develop spiritual virtues,” is actually true, what could be the lessons or the virtues which you are being asked to work on here?

p. What do you need to learn here in order to be happy?

q. Which beliefs do you need to change here in order to free yourself from the false beliefs of the past?

r. What do you need to do or believe in order to forgive me and free yourself from my presence in your subconscious?

s. What do you need to do or believe in order to forgive yourself and enjoy your purity and goodness?

t. What changes do you want to make in your lifestyle in order to find harmony and strength? How and when will you make these changes?

POSITIVE MESSAGES FOR OUR INNER CHILD

The following is a list of possible messages for our inner child, which can be strengthened internally by:

a. Writing them in a letter to the inner child

b. Introducing them to the inner child while in the transformation regression.

c. Replaying them our daily communication with the inner child.

d. Making a relaxation cassette with these messages.

1. I accept and love you exactly as you are.

2. I appreciate you and respect you.

3. I feel affection and tenderness for you.

4. You are free to do what you like provided you are not hurting anybody.

5. You are capable and strong.

6. There is an infinite spiritual power within you that protects you from illness, traumas and dangers.

7. Your body is healthy, strong and resistant to illness.

8. You live in divine justice which brings to you only what is useful for your development.

9. You selected your parents and the events of your childhood, and thus you created the perfect conditions for your development.

10. There is a Divine Power that guides you from within.

11. There is within you a knowing and wise voice that always leads you correctly in your life. Follow it.

12. You have the right and the responsibility to express your inner strength and beauty creatively.

13. You deserve love and respect from everyone, regardless of your appearance, social position, profession, knowledge, achievements, or what others think of you.

14. Your self worth is the same as that of every other soul, no more and no less.

15. No one else can create or be responsible for your happiness, health or success.

16. You cannot create or assume responsibility for the happiness, health or success of others.

17. You are an eternal, divine consciousness in the process of developing the ability to express the beauty that exists within you.

18. Everything is God. There is no one or thing that is not the expression of the one universal consciousness (God). You are no exception.

19. It is not necessary to live your life according to the convictions or expectations of your parents or anyone else. Love, respect and help them, but live according to your own principles, needs and convictions.

20. Your “parents” are eternal souls in a process of evolution whom you selected to play these roles in this incarnation. Your only real parent is God.

21. You have the same worth, wisdom, strength, and rights as the eternal souls who played the role of your parents.

22. Whatever anyone did to harm you was out of ignorance or fear.

23. Your parents were once children who were programmed by their parents.

Having healed the inner child through these truths, we are now ready to begin the process of forgiveness, which is our liberation from the past. If upon working with your childhood years you realize that you need to forgive others or yourself, refer to the chapter on forgiveness in the book Relationships of Conscious Love by the same author. (This chapter can also be found on our web site)

AN INTERVIEW WITH ROBERT ELIAS NAJEMY

Posted on April 22, 2012June 2, 2020 by Holistic Harmony

AN INTERVIEW WITH ROBERT ELIAS NAJEMY

By Giota Dimitriou

for the site http://www.skalatimes.com

Mr. Najemy, Your Father was the Dean of Students at the American University of Beirut and you were born in America and moved to Beirut when you were 12 years old. Then you became a Chemical Engineer. In spite of your scientific academic background, you decided to dedicate your life to a spiritual search. How did that happen?

First of all, thank you for the opportunity to express my perceptions and convictions about life and share with others what has helped me. The question here is, «Why did I change life styles?»

After graduating with a degree in Chemical Engineering I worked for Uniroyal Chemical Company for two years. They we very good to me and the work was well paid and I had everything I was supposed to need in order to he happy and fulfilled, such as money, an apartment, a car, a woman in my life and anything else I needed. The company was satisfied with my performance and I was well accepted in my position. This was in 1970 and 1971.

There was only one problem. I was very unhappy. None of this seemed to supply me with meaning or fulfillment. At that time, I did not believe in God or in an afterlife or in the concept of evolution. I believed that life would simply end when we died and that there was nothing more than what I already had; And that I had what I supposedly needed to be happy. Thus, I saw no reason to continue living. I thought, «If this is all that life has to offer me and that in 80 years this will also end, then I am not interested, and I might as well end my life now.

On the same day, that I had this thought, I was guided somehow subconsciously to a bookstore and as if in trance, picked up a book about which I knew nothing – not the subject and not the author. It was the book «Doors of Perception» by Alan Watts. Suddenly I realized that there is a whole other aspect of life that I had not investigated at all (as a scientist) – a world of energy and consciousness. I had focused until now only on matter.

I read this rather small book that evening. And shortly after finishing, while lying in my bed, I had this thought, «My life belongs to me, and no one else.» It was as if a light was turned on. I realized that if I was unhappy with my life as is was, that I was not obliged to my engineering degree or to my parents or to society to remain in that. I was free to be who I wanted to be and live a life that truly gave me meaning.

The next day, I gave notice that I would be leaving in a month. They asked whether I wanted a raise or to work in another department. I cordially with gratitude declined. They asked what I was going to do. I answered, «I am going to search for a meaning in life and whether there is a reason for me to live.»

I left and began my search in all possible directions for the meaning in life. Eventually I found four reasons.

Evolution – the idea that I could better myself, become more able, more loving, kinder, healthier happier. It was an interesting challenge, that I could in some way control my life and become a better person.

Creativity – I explored a wide variety of creative forms of expression – all of which gave me pleasure and fulfillment.

Service – I discovered the joy of serving others and in some way contributing to their well being and happiness.

Relationships – I began to perceive relationships as growing opportunities in which I am challenged to be honest, understanding, forgiving, loving and to communicate clearly.

All of these purposes gave meaning to my life and still do.

As a child did you have any indications that when you grew up, you would become involved in spiritual life?

I do not remember very specific things except for my fascination with nature which led me to spend many hours alone as a young child sitting silently observing nature and learning from it. My mother told me that I used to play the role of the priest at times (perhaps from a previous life) and that once a stranger on the street stopped her when we were walking together and told her that, «that child would one day help many people». I do remember those events.

How did you end up in Greece?

I had started a yoga retreat center in Lebanon in 1975 and then the war broke out and the Syrians came and took over our retreat center. With all of the bombing and fighting, it became impossible for people to come and be helped by our activities. Then my father was assassinated and situation worsened. My brother had already moved to Athens from Beirut in order to continue his business from here. I decided to stop by and see him on my way back to America. I ended up staying permanently from 1976 until today – that is 36 years. Those at least are the external factors that led me to be in Greece. I am sure that it was a soul decision made before my birth.

You have written 30 books and have given many hundreds of lectures with around 600 of those on CD and DVD. How easy is it to guide people on the spiritual path during this time which full of difficulties such as the economic crisis?

There is an even greater need today for such work. I could easily leave Greece and go to America, where my family is. However, I feel that would be like deserting the people I love at the time they most needed to be reminded of these basic spiritual truths. This «crisis» is an even greater opportunity to apply these truths in our daily lives. They are really the only solution to the feelings of fear, betrayal, injustice, resentment and anger that burden so many.

It is an opportunity to take responsibility for our lives and cease blaming others, but also to take greater creative control of our lives and become more united in our efforts to create our ideal society with equality and abundance for all. It is an opportunity to discover that happiness is within and that we can be fully happy with very little, but also that we are very powerful spiritual beings who can attract and create from the universe whatever we need (especially once we have overcome our attachments to having and fear of not having).

It is an opportunity to discover the abundance of methods such as meditation, prayer, methods of healing and energy psychology such as EFT, TAT, BSFF, Sedona Method and Ho’oponopono that allow us to transcend unpleasant emotions and connect with out spiritual center and enjoy the peace, love and happiness that are always within us no matter what might be happening externally.

We need to realize that according to Quantum Physics there is really no objective external reality. We as observers are directly affecting whatever we observe through or conscious and subconscious beliefs. Our families, our society and our leaders and all of their behaviors are in fact extensions and reflections of our personal and collective inner worlds. Our leaders will never change their behavior until we change our personal and collective psycho-synthesis.

It is a time of great change and we need to let go of fear, anger and hate and unite into groups with common ideals and create a new realty for us all. We need to support each other and help those in need. We need to learn to care for others as much as we are for ourselves.

For this reason we have created two books on how we can deal with difficult times. The titles of the books are:

TWENTY-FIVE WAYS TO MANIFEST OUR IDEAL LIFE

DEALING WITH TESTING TIMES.

Also our website https://www.armonikizoi.com/ has an abundance of helpful formation about dealing with this «crisis-opportunity.»

What is the first step for someone to take on the path of spiritual search?

Everyone starts from somewhere else. Some start because they want to heal an illness. Others because they want to lose weight. Some to overcome fears. Others to reduce anxiety. Some will seek help to heal relationships or overcome childhood traumas. Some begin in order to become more successful. Still others come to heal the pain of loss or rejection after a divorce or departure of a loved one from the physical body. Others may begin in order to learn how to manifest goals and create abundance.

A few begin in search for spiritual growth, a deeper meaning in life or the ultimate truth of their divine being. Eventually many of those who began this path with the earlier-mentioned more superficial motives, end up eventually desiring spiritual evolution and alignment with their true divine self.

The first step in all these cases is to realize we and no one else can be responsible for or create our happiness, peace, health or ideal life. The is the first step to spiritual growth – to take responsibility for our lives and forgive all others and cease blaming others or depending on them. In accepting responsibility for the creating our reality we are also realizing that our inner self is the only real teacher we can follow. We can read books and listen to others and learn from them, but in the end, we can only follow our own inner guidance.

Another basic step is the choice to be truthful to ourselves and others in all cases.

An equally important step is the decision to love everyone including ourselves without conditions. I am not saying we are able to do so until we are enlightened, but that have at least decided that we want to be able to do so and try to when we remember this decision.

Everyone seeks happiness. What do they need to know in order to find happiness?

Happiness in an inner state which actually has little to do with what we have or what is happening in our lives. Happiness is having what we believe we need in order to be happy. Depending on our childhood programming and character which we bring with us into this life, we believe we must have some specific persons, objects comforts or situations Each believes he needs something different to be happy.

There are thus two solutions for happiness. One is to need less and thus to be able to be happy in a greater variety of situations. The more attachments and prerequisites we have in order to be happy, the less likely we will be; as will can seldom control the people and events in our world so that they are exactly as we need them to be.

The second solution is to learn how to more effectively manifest or create the reality we desire in order to be happy. There are methods that enable us to do so.

Happiness is difficult as long as we are controlled by fears and attachments. In Armoniki Zoi we learn both, how to be happy without an how to create what we need. They are both necessary in life. Our self-knowledge seminar is a very good solution for that.

Is it possible for an Atheist to be spiritual?

Yes, it is possible. We need to distinguish between spirituality and religion. Spirituality has to do with inner states and behavior, not with dogma or beliefs – especially programmed or unexamined beliefs. Persons can behave with respect, love, kindness and equality even without believing in God. On the other hand, a belief in a divine being, if correctly understood and freed from social misconception, can help us to be spiritual beings. In some case, when wrongly perceived and used as a vehicle for promoting a spiritual ego, it can be an obstacle.

I wonder, however, if in fact there are any real atheists or whether those who declare so are simply reacting towards an old outdated perception of God as a austere being separate from ourselves who rejects, gets angry and punishes those who do not obey him, and likes to make people suffer for incomprehensible reasons.

For me God is not a separate individual being but a divine omnipresent conscious present in and around all beings. God is not a form. The divine is simultaneous formless and yet all forms are expressions of it. We are all equally expressions of that one divine consciousness. We are the divine itself in a process of rediscovering our divinity and expressing it here on the physical realm.

What is your opinion concerning the much talked about 2012?

This a special time which offers us increased energy and opportunities for growth and freedom from fear and external attachments. It is a time in which the changing magnetic field of the earth is bringing up our collective subconscious and allowing us to see ourselves more clearly and make decisions about what we really believe and what we really want. It is an opportunity to reevaluate our value systems as to what is truly important; security or growth, money or meaning, people or things, taking or giving, loving or protecting our ego from it fears, caring for a few or caring for many. We have collectively chosen during this time to create an opportunity to manifest our true selves and our true purpose.

We have, however, free will and we can use these wonderful opportunities for growth and evolution or we have the freedom to react negatively with fear, resentment, selfishness, anger and hate.

You are the founder of the spiritual center Armoniki Zoi in Athens, Greece. What can people find there?

This the subject for many pages of explanation. I would suggest that the reader visit our web site where he or she can view, listen and download for free hundreds of articles, ebooks, lectures and relaxation techniques. We deal with all aspects of human harmony from healthy eating, physical exercises, breathing techniques, relaxation techniques, inner exercises and visualization, energy psychology, EFT, TAT, BSFF, Sedona method, Ho’oponopono, manifesting goals and improving communication and relationships as well as psychological and philosophical teachings to prayer, meditation and the transcendence of the ego.

We have centers in Halandri, Failro, Markopoulo (our retreat center, where people can come a stay), Thessaloniki, Patra, Xios, Volos, Xania, Lemmesol and Nikosia.

Better to check out our site at https://www.armonikizoi.com/

In Athens today which is beaten by this economic crisis, how easy is it for people to come to your center Armoniki Zoi?

If you mean from the economic point of view, there is no problem. For the last 36 years we have survived with a system which we call the Suggested Optional Offering, which means that person is free to offer what he or she can or not. Money has never been a prerequisite for following our classes. We suggest and hope (so that we can continue our work that people will act responsibly and loving donate the amount we suggest. But those who cannot are free to come and enjoy the same service and benefits. Also none of us get paid for our work. Not I, nor the teachers or group facilitators. Our center is based on selfless service.

If you mean that it is difficult for people to come because they are lost in their emotions and fears, this might affect those who are unfamiliar with what we do, as they might not have their minds open to something new. Those, however, who know us or discover us through friends or over the Internet or the 30 books which are in the book stores, come seeking peace of mind in an alternative perception of what is happening and how they can deal with it.

What is your opinion about the concept of reincarnation?

I believe that the concept of reincarnation (Μετενσάρκωση) is not necessary for one to live a happy or spiritual life or be a good person. It does, however, explain many phenomena which are difficult to understand otherwise. Without this concept we cannot explain why unpleasant events happen to some and pleasant to others. We do not see the cause of those events in their actions in this present life. With this concept we can explain why some people fear situations they have never been in, or why some siblings (or even identical twins) with basically same DNA and childhood environment develop different characters. It can explain childhood genius in music, math, science and languages. It can explain why we have inherent positive and negative feeling towards persons we have just met.

Most of all, it allows us to believe that we live in a just world, where what is happening to us or others might have some cause in our own past choices and actions and not some chance event or dictated by a whimsical or incomprehensible God. That, however, does not mean that we do not need to correct and heal what is happening and create a better life for ourselves, our families and others. It simply means that we are not the victims of people and forces outside ourselves.

One of the main causes of the events and experiences in our lives is our past actions, words, beliefs and choices and many of them might be in a past life. Other factors that create our reality are our soul choices and the law of reflection or attraction which brings to us a reality which is a projection to our conscious and subconscious beliefs and emotions.

From another point of view, as spirits we do not exist in time and space and thus, us as spirits, we have no past or future lives; they are occurring simultaneously – perhaps in other dimensions or alternative worlds. But all of this is difficult to comprehend.

How easy is it for us to get free from our Karma?

It is important to understand that this law of cause and effect is accepted by all religions including Christianity. «As you sow, so shall you reap.» «You will be judged with severity with which you judge.» «Get up and walk, your sins are forgiven.»

Karma is a much misunderstood concept in today’s society. Many perceive this simple law of cause and affect as a form of punishment or that if we suffer enough, we will balance some accounts and we will not longer be burdened with some cosmic debt.

I do not perceive karma in this way. I see it only as an evolutionary mechanism where we have the opportunity to learn and evolve by experiencing how our actions affect the people around us by becoming the recipients of those same acts that we have done in the past. Thus, if my karma is to be in a relationship with a negative person, or have an illness or an economic difficulty, I gain nothing by suffering for a number of years. My suffering adds nothing to my evolution nor to humanity. The only reason I have that situation is to learn through it.

We need to learn two things in relationship to any karmic limitation. One is how to be happy with the situation as it is. The second is to how to change and improve it. Suffering solves nothing. Learning does. Thus each karmic situation is a blessing from the universe, (not a punishment) and an opportunity to discover our true divine nature. We, of course, have free will and can chose to remain in fear, resentment, hurt, guilt, anger and hate.

Jesus Christ has given us the Mystery of Holy Communion in which through confession, repentance and Holy Communion, theoretically and theologically our «sins» (mistakes, karma) is absolved and do not exist and thus their effect on our lives cease to be active. This is actually the dissolution of karma, not because, as you say, we have escaped (ξεφύγουμε) from it but because through self observation, confession, and a desire to become pure and one again with the Divine, we have rendered this karma as unnecessary any more. We have used the karmic situation to learn the lesson for which is was created.

On a higher level still, as spirits we are one with the divine and beyond of time and space and have no karma. We experience karma only as long as we are identified with the body and mind. In reality our true eternal nature is perfectly divine and one with God.

I explain much about this and the previous question in detail in my books:

THE MYSTICAL CIRCLE OF LIFE.

THE ROLES WE PLAY AS SOULS IN EVOLUTION

OUR IMPERSONAL LIFE

In one of your books, you say that love is the solution for all problems. How easy is it for us to love others when there is a «hell» around us? When people are dying of hunger and there is so much injustice and pain?

I agree that this is not easy. But this is our goal and purpose. We need great faith in basic spiritual truths in order to choose love. This the subject of my book, «Love is the Choice» (Η Αγάπη είναι Επιλογή) We always have the choice of loving. All we need to do is to feel safe enough and perceive the divine in ourselves, others and the events and situations in our lives.

When we realize that others are all divine spiritual beings who we have attracted through karma, soul choices and our beliefs and emotions to play the specific roles that they play, we will be able to forgive them for those roles and use those situations to learn and choose love.

When we understand that we and no one else are the sole creators of our reality and that no one can do anything to us that we ourselves have not created through our past and present beliefs, emotions, words, behaviors, actions, and choices, we will forgive and love them.

When we realize that our self-worth, security, freedom and happiness are within us and that we do not need to protect them from anyone, we will be able to love. The opposite of love is fear. When we have no fear, we can love. When we need nothing, we will not fear; as Nikos Kazanzakis said, «I have no fear, I have no hope, I am free.» We can interpret hope here as an attachment to something specific happening.

The more attached or dependent I am, the more fearful and the less I am able to love.

It is possible to grow spiritually and love in all situations. It is important to realize that this is our challenge and destiny. Our true self already loves all of those who our minds have difficulty loving. Connecting to the choice for understanding, forgiveness and love is a connection with our true divine self. We are love. When we are not loving, we are lost in our fearful ego.

Do you believe that there is an unwritten law of justice in this world?

Yes I do. I believe that behind the phenomena of injustice that we see everywhere there is a hidden justice which has to do with our past actions, our present beliefs and emotions and also the lessons we have chosen to learn through these «injustices». I believe that the universe is an expression of a divine, loving and just consciousness and nothing unjust can happen.

There are unjust actions, meaning unethical actions which we perform out of fear anger, greed, jealousy etc. These actions are unjust, and create for us a karmic learning opportunity. But the recipients of those unjust actions are not victims, because nothing can happen to us that is not our own creation through karma, soul choices and the law of reflection or attraction.

What is the power of prayer?

The power of prayer is the ability of the mind to connect to the power of spirit. Through prayer we communicate with spiritual source within and around us. We learn to direct that spiritual energy through our faith that we deserve spiritual intervention so as to manifest changes in ourselves and the world around us.

The highest form of prayer is one of gratitude for all that we have and a surrendering to the divine asking only that whatever is not beneficial to the highest good for all be removed from us and that whatever is beneficial for all be added to us. We need not ask for material things. Christ’s promise is that if we live according to the will of God (ethically and according to our life purpose for which we have incarnated) all will be given to us as it is to the birds and flowers.

The ego is different from the soul. How can we determine if a need is coming from the ego or from us as souls?

This is the subject of one of my recent books, THE ROLE WE PLAY AS SOULS IN EVOLUTION. We do not have souls. We are souls who have temporary bodies and egos. Our ego needs are often different from and sometimes in conflict with our needs as souls. In general, our egos want to find external sources of self-worth, security, freedom, happiness and meaning. As souls we want to be free from every attachment to external forms, as they prevent us from experiencing our free spiritual nature.

On the other hand, we often need to satisfy an ego need in order to experientially become aware of the fact that our happiness does not lie in that external source. Thus we chase after and obtain a series of external sources of «happiness» until we realize that happiness, self-worth, security and meaning are within us and that we can cease this waste of time and energy.

However, it was not a waste of time and energy while we were engaged in this process, because it lead us to the realization that happiness is within.

The solution is to «upgrade» our attachments to preferences, so that we know what we want and seek to create it, without the illusion that our self-worth or security will be more because we have it or less if we do not. We learn to act without attachment to the result.

The serenity prayer helps here. «God give me the power to change what I can, the peace to accept what I cannot, and the wisdom to determine which is which.»

I would suggest that we all ask daily for guidance and then follow what we feel and also pay attention to the signs we get in our dreams, upon waking, in our communication with others or books that we read. When we ask for guidance, the universe responds. Then just do what feels right and then if we see that this is not creating happiness, learn from that and try something else.

Einstein has said, «It is crazy to do the same things and expect different results.» Thus if we are not finding happiness in the way we are approaching reality, then perhaps it is time for a change. Ask for guidance. We have some guided inner exercises for that in mp3 form on our site.

Mr. Najemy, have you ever come to Cyprus? Are you interested in coming to Cyprus for seminars?

Actually, I have been coming to Cyprus twice a year now for about 20 years. In the Spring I offer a seminar in Lemmesol and in the Autumn in Nicosia. This year I will be offering a seminar in Lemmesol on Friday, Saturday and Sunday May 4, 5 and 6th. One can find our details on our site.

I would like close with a few words for our readers about how to deal with these difficult times.

I would suggest first of all the books I mentioned above which have many practical, psychological and spiritual suggestions for this purpose.

We need faith in some basic concepts.

Nothing will happen that is not an expression of love from the universe for our highest good – regardless as to whether our ego perceives it that way or not. This same truth must be applied to our loved ones for whom perhaps we fear.

We and our loved ones have the inner physical, psychological and spiritual strength to deal with any possible situation and use it as a growth process. We have the ability to accept and be happy with any possible situation, but also the ability and power to change events and situations. There is no human experience that we cannot deal with.

We and our loved ones are all immortal divine beings and we can never die or actually be in danger. What we call death is simply the soul leaving the temporary body. Thus we are never actually in danger.

We can be happy with very little. Only our programmings create the illusion that we need much to be happy.

We have unlimited creative energy and can resourcefully create the reality we desire.

Love and unity are the greatest sources of security and happiness in our lives.

We all deserve love and respect exactly as we are.

I would suggest the books for this subject on our site at https://www.armonikizoi.com/

I wish for you all to be well and happy.

Love,

Robert Elias Najemy

Welcome to Holistic Harmony

Self Knowledge Questionnaires

Posted on March 7, 2012June 2, 2020 by Holistic Harmony

SELF KNOWLEDGE EXERCISES

There are a variety of techniques that we can use in order to become more aware of both our personality and our greater spiritual Self. Only a few of these can be shared in written format as they require personal guidance from an experienced teacher. All of the information presented here in this web site has the purpose of increasing your self-knowledge on all levels, especially the Self Clarification Process.
Self-Knowledge Questionnaires for the purpose of understanding your personality and its functioning more deeply.
Answering the questions presented in the following questionnaires will deepen your understanding of your self.

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UNFORTUNATELY WHEN WE MOVED SITES, THESE FILES WERE NOT UPLOADED PROPERLY CAN CANNOT BE ACCESSED FREELY AS LINKS. BUT YOU CAN GET ALL 203 PAGES OF THEM FOR ONLY $7 AT THE LINK BELOW.

https://www.armonikizoi.com/store/products/life-coach-7-working-with-emotions

You will receive Eighty (80) Articles, notes and questionnaires for greater self-knowledge, understanding emotions, freeing ourselves from negative emotional patterns as well as working with the inner child, inner conflicts, forgiveness of others and self and discovering life purpose.

Some of the subjects covered are the following:

K_01 Something HappyAnalyze something which makes you happy.

K_02 Something Which Bothers Analyze Something Which Bothers You. Understand The Feelings And The Beliefs.

K_03 Why Love Self – Discover As Many Reasons As Possible To Love, Respect And Accept Your Self

K_04 Why Love Other Discover As Many Reasons As Possible To Love, Respect And Accept Someone

K_05 Active Listening Questions – Analyze The Mechanism Through Which Your Emotions Are Created

K_06 Obstacles To Love Others Discover Your Obstacles Towards Loving Others

K_07 Analysis Loving Selves Discover Your Obstacles Towards Loving Your Self

K_08 Understand Anxiety & Worry – Discover Why You Feel Anxiety, And Worry

K_09 Understand Hurt & Pain Understand The Mechanism Of Pain And Suffering

K_10 Understand Disappointment – Realize How You Create Disappointment

K_11 Understand Depression – Understand The Mechanism Of Depression

K_12 Understanding Jealousy – Analyze Why You Feel Jealousy Or Envy

K_13 Understand Loneliness – Discover How We Create Loneliness

K_14 Understand Self Doubt – Uncover The Roots Of Self-Doubt

K_15 Understand Anger – Realize How You Create Anger

K_16 Understand Blaming – Discover Why You Tend To Criticize And Blame

K_17 Analyzing Our Conscience – Discover Where You Conscience Is Bothering, And Why You Continue With Behaviors Which Are Not In Harmony With Your Conscience

K_19 Locate Emotions – Discover Where Your Emotions Store Themselves In Your Body

K_20 Relationship Questions – A List Of Questions For Couples To Answer, So As To Get To Know Each Other More Deeply

K_21 Life’s Lessons – Discover What You Have Learn From The Others’ Behavior Which Bother You

K_22 Inner Guidance – Investigate Possible Parts Of Your Self Which Do Not Want To Get Well, Or Make Changes For The Better.

K_23 Obstacle To Getting Well – Investigate Possible Parts Of Your Self Which Do Not Want To Get Well, Or Make Changes For The Better

K_24 My Relationship With God – Research Your Relationship With The Divine. How Do You Relate To God And Universe

K_25 Obstacles To Fulfillment – Discover Possible Obstacles Towards Fulfilling Your Life Goals

K_26 Obstacles To Growth – Understand Those Inner Obstacles To Your Spiritual Growth Process

K_27 Three Love Letters – Write A Love Letter To Someone You Love, Someone You Have Difficulty With And Your Own Self

K_28 Shadow + Mask – Analyze What You Hide In Your Shadow (Subconscious) And Place In Your Mask (How You Want To Appear) And Whether Or Not You Want To Make Any Changes

K_29 Freeing Selves From Mirror- Discover What You Might Be Doing Which Might Be Attracting From Others Behaviors Which Bother You

K_30 Sorting Feelings – Distinguish Between Your Feelings And How They Store In Your Body

K_31 Understanding Emotions – Analyze The Emotions You Do And Do Not Feel Comfortable With.

K_32 12 Steps Towards Conscious Love A Detailed Questionnaire Concerning How We Relate To Love Partners

K_33 Bioenergy Level – Discover How What You Do Affects Your Energy Level

K_34 Categories Of Beliefs – Put Order To Your Various Beliefs

K_35 Dream Analysis – Make Your Own Personal Interpretation Of Your Dreams

K_36 Contract With Self – Make A Contract With Your Self Concerning Goals And Decisions

K_37 The Three Gunas – Analyze The Nature Of Your Body And Mind

K_38 Active Listening Towards Someone – Make A List Of Questions, Which You Would Like To Ask Someone You Would Like To Understand More Deeply

K_39 Purifying Character – A List Of Questions Concerning How We Would Like To Have Cultivated Our Character Before We Leave Our Bodies.

K_40 Forgiveness- Who We Would Like To Forgive And Also To Ask Forgiveness From And For What

K_41 Leaving The Body – What Will You Miss When You Leave Your Physical Body

K_42 Life Goals – What Are The Goals Which We Would Like To Accomplish Before Leaving Our Physical Bodies?

K_43 Mirroring Possibilities – Discover What Aspects Of Your Self Might Be Reflecting Back To You From Others

K_44 Facing Death Of Loved Ones – Questions Concerning How We Feel About The Possible Departure Of Loved Ones

K_45 What To Actualize? – List What You Would Like To Actualize In Your Life.

K_46 Being Ready For Departure – How To Be Ready For Our Departure From The Physical Body Whenever That Might Occur

K_47 How You Want Things To End – Realize How You Would Like The Various Aspects Of Your Life To Unfold

K_48 Liberation From Childhood – A Detailed Analysis Of How We Can Discover The Programming Of Our Childhood Years

K_49 Positive For Roles – Find The Beliefs Which Will Aid You In Getting Free From Being Affected By People Playing The Roles Of Intimidator, Interrogator, Victim And Aloof

K_50 Making A Program For Change – A Detailed Guide For Making Specific Decisions For Self-Improvement

Self Knowledge Questionnaires – No 5 Active Listening

Posted on March 7, 2012June 2, 2020 by Holistic Harmony

Self Knowledge Exercises

K05 – ACTIVE LISTENING QUEST.

QUESTIONNAIRE TO BE USED IN ACTIVE LISTENING

FOR DEEPER SELF-ANALYSIS

Even though this list of questions was created as a guide for active listening, it has proven to be a very effective questionnaire for self-analysis. Whenever you have anything bothering you, try to answer these questions in the order they appear below.In addition to your logical responses, imagine how your inner child might answer.

ATTENTION WHEN ENGAGED IN ACTIVE LISTENING

a. No counseling, criticism, advice.

b. We don’t take over the conversation to give our opinion. We let the other person talk. Ask questions only when he stops or is blocked off.

c. Our first questions should reexpress what we heard using our own words in order to make sure that we have understood correctly what is going on inside the other person. (We do not analyse the other person).

d. There is no need to be restricted to the questions below, they are designed to serve as a guide.

THE ANALYSIS

A. ABOUT EMOTIONS

1. How you feel: What emotions do you have concerning this subject, event, or situation?

2. Do you have any other emotions, in connection with this?

3. How do you feel about yourself when you have these emotions?

4. In what other situations have you felt similar emotions?

5. How long have you felt this way?

6. How often do you feel this way?

7. Did you ever feel this way as a child or in the past in general?

8. Are there, or were there, moments during which despite you were in a similar situation, you managed to feel and / or react differently?

9. Which and when were these moments? (Quest.8)

10. What did you say to yourself in these moments which helped you not to feel and/ or react differently? (Quest.8)

B. ABOUT BELIEFS

1. What do you believe about what’s happening that makes you feel that way?

2. What do you believe which makes you believe in this? (Quest.1)

Keep asking which belief is “behind” and creates each belief which you discover.

3. And if what you want does not really happen? What does this mean? What will happen? What will not happen? What will you loose? What is in danger if what you want does not happen?

4. And if what you want does not happen what does this mean: about you: about others: about life itself?

5. What is the possible danger here?

6. What do you fear in this situation?

7. What is the worst that can happen here?

8. And if this should happen? (Quest.7)

9. What makes you believe that this might happen and that it will be so horrible if it does?

10. What were your parents’ convictions about this?

11. Do you always believe this? (Quest.7)

12. Do you consciously believe this, that is, do you believe it is an objective truth? (Quest.7)

13. Perhaps you can’t see any conscious conviction that creates these emotions in you, but, despite this, you feel bad about it just the same. What is it that your subconscious (the child within) could believe to make you feel these emotions when this happens?

14. What is it you want or you believe you must have, which other people or the particular situation prevent you from having?

15. What do you lose when this happens?

16. Did you have the acceptance and love which you needed from your parents?

17. Did your parents trust your ability to deal with life?

3. DISCOVERIES

1. If life is a school and you have come here to learn some lessons, what is it that life is trying to teach you in this case?

2. What inner preparation can you make in order to learn these lessons more effectively? (Quest.1)

3. What can you do externally to overcome the problem?

4. Is there something others can do to help? Can you express this wish for help or cooperation now as if you were talking to them? (Psychodrama or written communication).

5. Is there something I can do to help you? (Who can help you?)

6. If you had faith in yourself, would you feel the same?

7. What convictions or truths could help you to feel better or to overcome it?

8. What changes you would like to make in your life?

a) In your thinking?

b) In your habits?

c) In your manner or communication?

d) In your way of life?

9. What is it that you would like to express to others that you haven’t expressed, or that you find difficult to express? (Parents, child, companion, colleagues etc.)

10. If you had a magic wand””

a) What reality would you create for yourself (without any restrictions)

b) How would you like to be?

11. If you had no financial, family or social obligation, what would you do with your life?

SELF KNOWLEDGE EXERCISES

You can find these questions in an ebook download at

https://www.armonikizoi.com/store/products/life-coach-7-working-with-emotions

Some of the subjects covered are the following:

K_01 Something HappyAnalyze something which makes you happy.

K_02 Something Which Bothers Analyze Something Which Bothers You. Understand The Feelings And The Beliefs.

K_03 Why Love Self – Discover As Many Reasons As Possible To Love, Respect And Accept Your Self

K_04 Why Love Other Discover As Many Reasons As Possible To Love, Respect And Accept Someone

K_05 Active Listening Questions – Analyze The Mechanism Through Which Your Emotions Are Created

K_06 Obstacles To Love Others Discover Your Obstacles Towards Loving Others

K_07 Analysis Loving Selves Discover Your Obstacles Towards Loving Your Self

K_08 Understand Anxiety & Worry – Discover Why You Feel Anxiety, And Worry

K_09 Understand Hurt & Pain Understand The Mechanism Of Pain And Suffering

K_10 Understand Disappointment – Realize How You Create Disappointment

K_11 Understand Depression – Understand The Mechanism Of Depression

K_12 Understanding Jealousy – Analyze Why You Feel Jealousy Or Envy

K_13 Understand Loneliness – Discover How We Create Loneliness

K_14 Understand Self Doubt – Uncover The Roots Of Self-Doubt

K_15 Understand Anger – Realize How You Create Anger

K_16 Understand Blaming – Discover Why You Tend To Criticize And Blame

K_17 Analyzing Our Conscience – Discover Where You Conscience Is Bothering, And Why You Continue With Behaviors Which Are Not In Harmony With Your Conscience

K_19 Locate Emotions – Discover Where Your Emotions Store Themselves In Your Body

K_20 Relationship Questions – A List Of Questions For Couples To Answer, So As To Get To Know Each Other More Deeply

K_21 Life’s Lessons – Discover What You Have Learn From The Others’ Behavior Which Bother You

K_22 Inner Guidance – Investigate Possible Parts Of Your Self Which Do Not Want To Get Well, Or Make Changes For The Better.

K_23 Obstacle To Getting Well – Investigate Possible Parts Of Your Self Which Do Not Want To Get Well, Or Make Changes For The Better

K_24 My Relationship With God – Research Your Relationship With The Divine. How Do You Relate To God And Universe

K_25 Obstacles To Fulfillment – Discover Possible Obstacles Towards Fulfilling Your Life Goals

K_26 Obstacles To Growth – Understand Those Inner Obstacles To Your Spiritual Growth Process

K_27 Three Love Letters – Write A Love Letter To Someone You Love, Someone You Have Difficulty With And Your Own Self

K_28 Shadow + Mask – Analyze What You Hide In Your Shadow (Subconscious) And Place In Your Mask (How You Want To Appear) And Whether Or Not You Want To Make Any Changes

K_29 Freeing Selves From Mirror- Discover What You Might Be Doing Which Might Be Attracting From Others Behaviors Which Bother You

K_30 Sorting Feelings – Distinguish Between Your Feelings And How They Store In Your Body

K_31 Understanding Emotions – Analyze The Emotions You Do And Do Not Feel Comfortable With.

K_32 12 Steps Towards Conscious Love A Detailed Questionnaire Concerning How We Relate To Love Partners

K_33 Bioenergy Level – Discover How What You Do Affects Your Energy Level

K_34 Categories Of Beliefs – Put Order To Your Various Beliefs

K_35 Dream Analysis – Make Your Own Personal Interpretation Of Your Dreams

K_36 Contract With Self – Make A Contract With Your Self Concerning Goals And Decisions

K_37 The Three Gunas – Analyze The Nature Of Your Body And Mind

K_38 Active Listening Towards Someone – Make A List Of Questions, Which You Would Like To Ask Someone You Would Like To Understand More Deeply

K_39 Purifying Character – A List Of Questions Concerning How We Would Like To Have Cultivated Our Character Before We Leave Our Bodies.

K_40 Forgiveness- Who We Would Like To Forgive And Also To Ask Forgiveness From And For What

K_41 Leaving The Body – What Will You Miss When You Leave Your Physical Body

K_42 Life Goals – What Are The Goals Which We Would Like To Accomplish Before Leaving Our Physical Bodies?

K_43 Mirroring Possibilities – Discover What Aspects Of Your Self Might Be Reflecting Back To You From Others

K_44 Facing Death Of Loved Ones – Questions Concerning How We Feel About The Possible Departure Of Loved Ones

K_45 What To Actualize? – List What You Would Like To Actualize In Your Life.

K_46 Being Ready For Departure – How To Be Ready For Our Departure From The Physical Body Whenever That Might Occur

K_47 How You Want Things To End – Realize How You Would Like The Various Aspects Of Your Life To Unfold

K_48 Liberation From Childhood – A Detailed Analysis Of How We Can Discover The Programming Of Our Childhood Years

K_49 Positive For Roles – Find The Beliefs Which Will Aid You In Getting Free From Being Affected By People Playing The Roles Of Intimidator, Interrogator, Victim And Aloof

K_50 Making A Program For Change – A Detailed Guide For Making Specific Decisions For Self-Improvement

Self Knowledge Questionnaires – No 6 Obstacles to Love

Posted on March 7, 2012June 2, 2020 by Holistic Harmony

Self Knowledge Exercises
K06 – OBSTACLES TO LOVE OTHERSIn which situations do you loose you sense of love and unity. You may feel any of the following emotions: fear, negativity, alienation, discomfort, aversion, worry, anxiety, anger, hate, reservation, bitterness, jealousy, resentment, disillusionment, frustration, rejection towards the other or towards your self, inferiority, superiority, or any other type of emotional distancing from that person. After each situation note down some of the emotions which you might feel in that situation.

1. When others are different, or from another group or some specific grouping.

a. Strange dress______________________________________________

b. Other political party _________________________________________

c. Other religion______________________________________________

d. Other social – economic group _________________________________

e. Other educational or mental level _____________________________

f. Other country______________________________________________

g. Other race______________________________________________

2. When the other do not agree with me. When they believe and express different opinions, or reject mine. ___________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________

3. When they criticize me or persons or groups important to me.

_______________________________________________________________________

4. When others obstruct me or persons important to me from fulfilling important needs ie. Food, shelter, sex, work, sleep, money, vacations, meditation, the other’s approval and esteem.

_______________________________________________________________________

5. When my energy is low or I am not feeling well.

_______________________________________________________________________

6. When others harm me or important others physically, or hurt us emotionally___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

7. When I have personal problems which occupy much of my energy and mental resources. _______________________________________________________________________

8. When others do not live up to my expectations or do not function as we would like them to. ( especially children, spouses, siblings and parents.)_______________________________________________________________

9. When I do not love and accept myself._________________________________

10. When I feel guilt or fear_____________________________________________

Analysis and active listening concerning our obstacles towards loving others

Try to answer as honestly as possible

1. In which situations (in the face of which type of behaviors, or character types) do you lose your feelings of love unity or harmony with the others?

2. What emotions do you usually feel in those situations?

3. What do you believe :

A. About the other’s behavior or attitude?

B. About the other?

C. About your self (your safety, self worth etc.) In such situations?

4. How could you manage to sustain your feelings of unity and love in future even in such situations, or in the face of the same behavior or character types?

5. What would you like to communicate to such a person, or in such a situation?

SELF KNOWLEDGE EXERCISES

You can find these questions in an ebook download at

https://www.armonikizoi.com/store/products/life-coach-7-working-with-emotions

Some of the subjects covered are the following:

K_01 Something HappyAnalyze something which makes you happy.

K_02 Something Which Bothers Analyze Something Which Bothers You. Understand The Feelings And The Beliefs.

K_03 Why Love Self – Discover As Many Reasons As Possible To Love, Respect And Accept Your Self

K_04 Why Love Other Discover As Many Reasons As Possible To Love, Respect And Accept Someone

K_05 Active Listening Questions – Analyze The Mechanism Through Which Your Emotions Are Created

K_06 Obstacles To Love Others Discover Your Obstacles Towards Loving Others

K_07 Analysis Loving Selves Discover Your Obstacles Towards Loving Your Self

K_08 Understand Anxiety & Worry – Discover Why You Feel Anxiety, And Worry

K_09 Understand Hurt & Pain Understand The Mechanism Of Pain And Suffering

K_10 Understand Disappointment – Realize How You Create Disappointment

K_11 Understand Depression – Understand The Mechanism Of Depression

K_12 Understanding Jealousy – Analyze Why You Feel Jealousy Or Envy

K_13 Understand Loneliness – Discover How We Create Loneliness

K_14 Understand Self Doubt – Uncover The Roots Of Self-Doubt

K_15 Understand Anger – Realize How You Create Anger

K_16 Understand Blaming – Discover Why You Tend To Criticize And Blame

K_17 Analyzing Our Conscience – Discover Where You Conscience Is Bothering, And Why You Continue With Behaviors Which Are Not In Harmony With Your Conscience

K_19 Locate Emotions – Discover Where Your Emotions Store Themselves In Your Body

K_20 Relationship Questions – A List Of Questions For Couples To Answer, So As To Get To Know Each Other More Deeply

K_21 Life’s Lessons – Discover What You Have Learn From The Others’ Behavior Which Bother You

K_22 Inner Guidance – Investigate Possible Parts Of Your Self Which Do Not Want To Get Well, Or Make Changes For The Better.

K_23 Obstacle To Getting Well – Investigate Possible Parts Of Your Self Which Do Not Want To Get Well, Or Make Changes For The Better

K_24 My Relationship With God – Research Your Relationship With The Divine. How Do You Relate To God And Universe

K_25 Obstacles To Fulfillment – Discover Possible Obstacles Towards Fulfilling Your Life Goals

K_26 Obstacles To Growth – Understand Those Inner Obstacles To Your Spiritual Growth Process

K_27 Three Love Letters – Write A Love Letter To Someone You Love, Someone You Have Difficulty With And Your Own Self

K_28 Shadow + Mask – Analyze What You Hide In Your Shadow (Subconscious) And Place In Your Mask (How You Want To Appear) And Whether Or Not You Want To Make Any Changes

K_29 Freeing Selves From Mirror- Discover What You Might Be Doing Which Might Be Attracting From Others Behaviors Which Bother You

K_30 Sorting Feelings – Distinguish Between Your Feelings And How They Store In Your Body

K_31 Understanding Emotions – Analyze The Emotions You Do And Do Not Feel Comfortable With.

K_32 12 Steps Towards Conscious Love A Detailed Questionnaire Concerning How We Relate To Love Partners

K_33 Bioenergy Level – Discover How What You Do Affects Your Energy Level

K_34 Categories Of Beliefs – Put Order To Your Various Beliefs

K_35 Dream Analysis – Make Your Own Personal Interpretation Of Your Dreams

K_36 Contract With Self – Make A Contract With Your Self Concerning Goals And Decisions

K_37 The Three Gunas – Analyze The Nature Of Your Body And Mind

K_38 Active Listening Towards Someone – Make A List Of Questions, Which You Would Like To Ask Someone You Would Like To Understand More Deeply

K_39 Purifying Character – A List Of Questions Concerning How We Would Like To Have Cultivated Our Character Before We Leave Our Bodies.

K_40 Forgiveness- Who We Would Like To Forgive And Also To Ask Forgiveness From And For What

K_41 Leaving The Body – What Will You Miss When You Leave Your Physical Body

K_42 Life Goals – What Are The Goals Which We Would Like To Accomplish Before Leaving Our Physical Bodies?

K_43 Mirroring Possibilities – Discover What Aspects Of Your Self Might Be Reflecting Back To You From Others

K_44 Facing Death Of Loved Ones – Questions Concerning How We Feel About The Possible Departure Of Loved Ones

K_45 What To Actualize? – List What You Would Like To Actualize In Your Life.

K_46 Being Ready For Departure – How To Be Ready For Our Departure From The Physical Body Whenever That Might Occur

K_47 How You Want Things To End – Realize How You Would Like The Various Aspects Of Your Life To Unfold

K_48 Liberation From Childhood – A Detailed Analysis Of How We Can Discover The Programming Of Our Childhood Years

K_49 Positive For Roles – Find The Beliefs Which Will Aid You In Getting Free From Being Affected By People Playing The Roles Of Intimidator, Interrogator, Victim And Aloof

K_50 Making A Program For Change – A Detailed Guide For Making Specific Decisions For Self-Improvement

I – Messages for Effective Communication

Posted on March 7, 2012June 2, 2020 by Holistic Harmony

SAMPLE I MESSAGES TO LOVED ONES IN VARIOUS SITUATIONS

We believe that these sample messages will aid you in your communication with the important people in your lives.

List of messages:

N1 What Is An I ? Message?

N2 Sharing Your Inner World

N3 Some Useful Thoughts And Suggestions For when We Are Having Need Conflicts

N4 Suggestions For Creating Harmonious Communication

N5 I-Message To An Aloof Spouse

N6 I-Message To An Interrogator, Critic

N7 I-Message To An Intimidator

N8 I-Message To A Victim

N9 An Example «I Message» To A Spouse Who Doesn?t Listen Or Speaks Aggressively

N10 To A Child Wants To Go To The Movies

N11 The Blaring Stereo

N12 To A Child After A Note From The Teacher

N13 To A Child About A The Messy House

N14 To The Child Who Arrives Home Late

N15 To Children Who Are Fighting Over A Game

N16 More About Communication With Children

N17 Active Listening

N18 Putting Our Selves In The Other’s Position

N19 Examples Of I-Messages For Students

N1 WHAT IS AN I ? MESSAGE?

An «I message» is a form of communication in which we effectively express to someone what is happening inside of us. In this way we help the other to understand us and our feelings, needs, thoughts and actions. In our communication with others we often make «you messages» in which we accuse the other of being wrong, evil or unacceptable. When we do this, he feels hurt, rejected, endangered and angry. This puts him on the defensive. He stops hearing what we are saying, because this hurts him. He feels the need to protect himself in various ways.

Some may protect themselves by closing in on themselves and shutting us out emotionally. Others may become defensive, and even aggressive, in their attempt to protect themselves. When we communicate with someone in this way, it is very unlikely that we will be able to create an open, loving, supporting relationship with this person.

The «I message» takes the emphasis off what the other is doing wrong, or what we think about the other, and puts the emphasis on:

1.how we feel,

2.what we need,

3.how we think, and

4.what help we need from the other in order to feel happy and more satisfied in this relationship.

We avoid dwelling on who has done what to whom, and focus on what kind of relationship we would like now, and how we feel and what we need now from the other person.

The «I message» is more honest. When we make «you messages» we simply express our anger and negative feelings towards the other. We do not explain the beliefs, programmings, fears, expectations, needs, desires, attachments and aversions which are at the root of these negative feelings. We do not take responsibility for our reality, but rather blame our reality on the other. We do not explain to the other that we have various needs, fears and weaknesses, which make us vulnerable to his behavior or beliefs, and that this is the actual cause of our problem and not simply his behavior. The cause of our reality is our beliefs and not the other?s behavior which may or may not be in harmony with our expectations.

The «I message» has four basic parts. The first part is the introduction. It is important to start our communication with two important messages which will help the other to relax and be able to listen more openly to our communication. The first important message is that we are approaching the other because we ourselves have a problem and we would like to ask his help, or at least his understanding. We are not approaching him because we want to reject him, or change him, or blame him, but because we are unhappy and need his help in solving this problem. This is called retaining the ownership of the problem. Now the other also may have a serious problem, but it might not be the same problem that we have. For example we may be unhappy because our child, or spouse, is behaving in a certain way. Since we are unhappy, this is our problem. But that child or spouse may have some other problem which is making him or her act in that way. In some cases, they might have a problem with our behavior. In such cases, it is essential that each expresses what exactly his problem or needs are, rather than accuse or blame the other.

The second message which we need to give in the introduction is that we are approaching the other because this relationship is important to us and because our happiness depends on its being harmonious. The other needs to hear that he or she is important to us and that we are interested in keeping this relationship as harmonious as possible.

N2 SHARING YOUR INNER WORLD

The second part of the «I message» is the process of sharing our inner world of thoughts, feelings, needs, fears and attachments and expectations. Here we explain to the other what feelings are created within us when we are faced with the situation or behavior which is troubling us. We also explain how our beliefs, needs, expectations and fears create those feelings within us. We may even go on to analyze how we then react towards him and others when we feel that way. It is important for the other to hear that, so that he can realize in the future, that our negative reactions towards him are not so much an expression of our hate, but rather or our fear, hurt, insecurity and self doubt. We tend to avoid exposing these vulnerable and weak parts of ourselves for we consider them unacceptable to others and even to ourselves. We fear that, if we show our needs or weaknesses, others will reject us, use us, manipulate us, or take us for granted. This, however, is not my experience. I believe that people are basically good and that, if we see the good within them, and address our selves to that goodness, and help them feel safe and accepted by us, then their inherent goodness will manifest in their relationship with us. Herein lies our real protection, and our real happiness.

Obviously, if we have for many years communicated in a different way, it may take some time for the other to relax, feel secure and respond to our new behavior. It is also extremely important to realize that no «I message» will ever work if we still internally believe that the other is to blame for our reality or that we are the victims of some injustice. Playing the victim will always put the other in the role of the abuser. It will be extremely useful to do positive visualization exercises concerning your communication in your difficult relationships.

When describing the behavior or situations which stimulate our inner programmings and create our negative inner world, it is important to do so in an non accusative way. We can first express our problem generally and then personally. Here is an example.

We do not however, suppress only our negative feelings. We also withhold our love, affection, admiration, gratitude and well wishes. We might do so because:

we fear how the other will respond,

or because we have learned that this is sign of weakness

or believe that the other will use this against us later,

or because we are in competition with the other,

or simply because we have not yet learned to express positive feelings. In most cases, we feel vulnerable.

Learning to express our positive feelings to others is a basic part of creating a happy relationship. We all need to hear positive feedback. We can make a separate list of the following for each of our important persons:

1. What are his / her positive traits which we admire?

2. What are her / his abilities or talents which we admire?

3. Why do we feel gratitude for that person?

4. What do we wish for that person (Health, success, happiness, growth etc.)?

5. Why do we love that person?

Then we can share our answers with them.

N3 SOME USEFUL THOUGHTS AND SUGGESTIONS FOR

WHEN WE ARE HAVING NEED CONFLICTS

1. It is not by chance that I am with this particular partner.

2. My partner is my teacher on my evolutionary path.

3. He or she gives me in each moment exactly what I need (pleasant or unpleasant) in order mature emotionally and spiritually and develop my inner feelings of security and self worth.

4. My partner needs and deserves my love and respect just as I need and deserve the same from him or her.

5. I really do love my partner and do wish for him or her to be well and happy.

6. Sincere and truthful communication is the only real solution.

7. Love understands and forgives.

8. We both deserve a happy live. only our egos and fears obstruct us.

N4 SUGGESTIONS FOR CREATING HARMONIOUS COMMUNICATION

1. You can perform daily a deep relaxation or positive projection technique in which you imagine that you are able to express your needs, feelings and thoughts to the other in an harmonious way with love and respect both for your self and the other. See the guidelines for such a positive projection.

2. Work on your own feelings of inner security and self-acceptance.

3. Agree to meet once a week to discuss your needs and feelings and share more deeply. It is best for the meeting be the same day and hour each week so that you each keep this hour free for that purpose.

4. You might want to discuss the answers to the various questionnaires in this site with each other at those meetings.

5. Learn to translate your complaints and anger into needs and express them with I- messages without criticism or threats. Simply explain to the other what you need and how important it for you that he or she respond to those needs and ask how they feel about that.

6. Learn to listen actively and clearly to what the other is trying to say seeking to understand what their real feelings are and what they really need.

7. Bring to mind daily at least three of your loved one?s positive qualities and share them with him or her when its feels natural.

8. Do things which you enjoy together.

9. Allow each other space and time to be alone and recharge emotionally and physically so that each rejuvenates himself and the relationship.

10. Express your love in ways that the other can feel it perhaps with a massage or flowers, cards with messages, gifts, or acts of service to each other.

N5 I-message TO AN ALOOF SPOUSE

“Dear, I have something important which I would like to express to you and if you want to answer me that would be fine. There are times when you are silent, inexpressive or even seem sad or angry. At those times, when I do not know what you are feeling or thinking, I sometimes think that perhaps I have done something which has offended or hurt you, or that perhaps you do not love me any more. I sometimes also believe that you do not have enough trust in me, or do not feel close enough to me to share with me what you are feeling. Then I begin to doubt my self worth as a spouse.

“When I see you like this and make those interpretations, then I sometimes approach you trying to find out what is happening. Sometimes you respond and sometimes you do not. That bothers me even more. I feel hurt and believe that you do not care about me and our relationship.

“I now realize that it doesn?t help to pressure you to communicate with me. I am going to try to leave that to you. I just want you to know that I love you and I want and need to know more about what you are feeling and thinking, but that I am going to leave that up to you. And if, in fact, I have done or do something, which has offended or hurt you, I very much want to hear about it. Do not protect me by not telling me, if something I do bothers you.

“I will try to leave you all the space you need to feel from within if you want to communicate with me more deeply. Do not interpret this as a lack of interest or love. I am simply giving you the space you seem to need.

“I will be happy to hear how you feel about what I have expressed whenever you feel ready.”

N6 I-message TO AN INTERROGATOR, CRITIC

“Dear, I would like to discuss with you a problem which I have with our communication. I feel myself continuously to be in the position of answering your questions and doubts about what I am doing. I feel that you are frequently correcting and accusing me. This puts me on the defensive and sometimes I get into the role of the victim and at others I become an intimidator, or do the same to you and become your interrogator.

“This way of communicating saddens me. I believe that we can communicate much more honestly and harmoniously. For this reason, I am going to try to accept myself even when you have doubts and criticize. I am going to stop answering your questions and apologizing to your accusations. I am going to try to be happy even when you are not satisfied with me and when you criticize or accuse me.

“Please do not misunderstand this. I love you and want you to be happy and want us to be happy together, but we cannot be happy this way, with your playing the lawyer and my playing the guilty one. I cannot lose my self-respect any more in this game.

“I want you to know that I love you even when I do not try to get you to agree with what I do.

“I am very interested in knowing how do you feel about this?”

N7 I-message TO AN INTIMIDATOR

“I need to discuss something with you. You know, there are times when I am afraid of you. When you raise your voice and threaten me, you stimulate old fears from my childhood years. When that happens I retreat from confrontation with you, suppressing my needs and sometimes my values. When this happens I lose my self-respect, and feel injustice and anger towards you. My heart closes and my love for you diminishes. There are even times when I think of revenge.

“With the way you act, you may get what you want from me at that moment, but you lose my love and respect. I have decided to try to overcome my fears and be more honest with you. I am going to try to express my needs and values even when you shout or intimidate me. I would like to ask for your help with this effort.

“I am very interested in helping you fulfill your needs. I believe that we can both get what we want together. I would like to ask you to express your needs without threatening me. Simply tell me what you need from me. I, in response, will also express my needs to you. I believe we can find solutions without my fearing you and retreating when you threaten me.

“How do you feel about this idea?”

N8 I-message TO A VICTIM

” Dear, I want you to know that I love and care for you and want very much for you to be happy and healthy and satisfied in your life. I want that very much but I am beginning to realize that I cannot create that for you. I realize now that I have been feeling responsible for your reality and some times guilty because you are not as happy and satisfied as we would both like you to be.

“I now realize that I do not help you be feeling responsible or guilty. These feelings just make me angry with you because you do not do what you could be doing to create a happier life for your self, or do not see how wonderful your life really is, when you focus on what you do not have, rather than all the wonderful things you do have.

“Thus I am no longer going to try to create your happiness or get your approval through your expression of satisfaction. I am going to love you and offer you whatever I can, without doing more than I believe I should or getting angry with you because you are not satisfied.

“Is there something you would like to share with me concerning this?”

N9 AN EXAMPLE «I MESSAGE» to a spouse who doesn?t listen or speaks aggressively

«Dear, I need to speak to you. I have a problem that I hope that you will be able to help me with. I have realized that I have a poor self-image and very easily doubt my self worth and whether I am loved or not by the people around me. This happens especially when they ignore me or when they speak to me aggressively or abruptly. It seems that I have this sensitivity from my childhood years. This happens sometimes between us. When you speak to me sometimes in an aggressive manner when you are upset about something, I feel hurt, rejected, unworthy and even fearful. This then develops into feelings of anger, and sometimes I even end up wanting to hurt you in some way. I do not want to feel this way. I love you and want to have a harmonious relationship with you. You are important to me and this relationship is important to me.

” I realize that this is my problem, but I do not feel that I can solve it by myself at this time. I need more affirmation of your love, respect and interest in me. I would like to express to you how you can show me your interest so that I can feel more fulfilled in this relationship. I would also like to discuss alternative ways in which we can communicate concerning differences of opinion, or needs, or values. I need to be able to tell you what I think, or feel even, if that does not coincide with what you feel or think, without ending up in conflict. If I suppress my thoughts and feelings, I loose my self-respect and feel rejected by you. On the other hand, I am afraid of expressing my differing views because I am afraid of having conflict with you.

“I would like your cooperation in finding a way in which we can communicate our differences in a way in which neither of us feels hurt, rejected or angry. Because my opinions may differ from yours, it does not mean that I do not love and accept you. I would very much like to know how you feel about our relationship and especially how you feel when we have these conflicts. You could help me a lot by helping me to understand what exactly it is that I do which upsets you. I would also like to know what needs or expectations you have from me, which I am perhaps not fulfilling. Do you feel like discussing this now, or would you like some time to think about what I have said, and discuss it in a few days?»

N10 TO A CHILD WANTS TO GO TO THE MOVIES

A child keeps pleading to be taken to a movie, but he has not cleaned up his room for several days, a job which he agreed to do.

What might be an average type of communication? An average parent may call the child lazy, irresponsible and inconsiderate. These are serious accusations which will undermine the child?s self-image.

The parent would do better to communicate with an I- message. But in order to do that, he will have to carry out some self-analysis to see what his deeper feelings are. What might a parent feel in this situation? He may feel disappointment, disrespect, hurt, taken advantage of, failure to control his child, anger, the need for revenge or other emotions, depending on his programming.

Thus, an I-message in this case might be something like this:

«My child, sit down. I would like to express to you how I feel at this moment. There is conflict within me: on the one hand, I love you and want you to be happy. I want you to be able to enjoy that which makes you happy. I would like to take you to the movies, so that you might enjoy yourself. On the other hand, I feel cheated and that an injustice has been done, because we have made an agreement that you would clean your room, and you have not kept it. That makes me feel that you are not respecting our agreement and my need for your room to be clean. I also have another need, which is to feel that I am bringing you up in the proper way. When I see that you are not taking your word and your responsibilities seriously, I have doubts as to whether I am doing a good job and whether you will be able to function well in society, if you are not keeping your word. So I cannot bring myself to take you to the movies until you keep your word and clean up your room».

The parent may then lead into active listening with something like, «How do you feel what I have just said to you? Does it seem fair? Do you feel hurt? Would you like to talk about it?»

Also, the parent may take this opportunity to discuss with the child the factors which have prevented him from cleaning up his room. «From the fact that you have not cleaned up your room, I get the idea that you do not like to do that job. Is there some special reason for that? Do you feel that it is unfair that I ask you to do that? What do you think would be a fair way to handle this situation? Have you some suggestions as to how we can overcome this source of tension between us?»

I can hear some parents who are reading this saying to themselves, «My child will never understand these explanations». My personal experience is that any child over two years old can understand the intent behind this communication and will feel the parent?s respect, love and concern through it, and will feel the same for the parent.

N11 THE BLARING STEREO

A child is playing his records so loud that the parents in the next room cannot communicate with one another.

An angry parent may likely say, «Can?t you be more considerate of others? Are you deaf? Why do you play that so loud?»

Would we talk that way to our next door neighbor if he were playing the music that loud? Would we talk that way to our colleague, our boss, our friends? Do we have the right to speak demeaningly to our children just because we think they belong to us? Imagine how you would politely communicate with a neighbor who was playing music loudly (especially if he is bigger than you).

Remember that the key to effective communication is that we neither suppress ourselves nor the others. We respect both our needs and those of the others. So, we are not going to put up with the music, but neither are we going to hurt the other?s feelings.

An example in this case might be as follows:

«Maria, could you please turn down the music for a moment? I would like to tell you something which is very important to me. I have conflicting needs. My need for you is to be happy and not to feel suppressed. I also do not want to be in a state of conflict with you because when I am, I do not feel at all well; and neither do you. On the other hand, I cannot tolerate the high volume which you were just playing the music at. Your father and I are trying to talk in the next room and we cannot hear each other because of the music. I also have the need not to bother the neighbors, just as I would not like them to bother us. I would like to keep up good relationships with them. I ?m afraid that the loud music may be bothering them. For that reason I ask you to please cooperate on this matter and play the music at a lower volume or perhaps you could wear headphones and enjoy the music at the volume you prefer, while we have peace».

Then the parent might want to lead into active listening as to how the child feels about that message. «How do you feel about what I ?m asking you to do? Do you feel pressured or unhappy? I hope we can find a way for both of us to be happy. Tell me your feelings».

This method of communication is much more likely to encourage willful cooperation from the child, while respect between parent and child is mutually maintained.

Although most parents feel great love for their children, they are unable to communicate that love, because of a lack in communication skills. We mean well; but our own problems and fears get in our way and disrupt our communication with our children.

Let us look at a few more examples of communication with children.

N12 TO A CHILD AFTER A NOTE FROM THE TEACHER

A twelve-year-old is sent home by a teacher with a note stating that he was speaking loudly, using «filthy» language. What might be the parents? reaction?

One might be, «Come here and explain to me why you want to embarrass your parents with your dirty mouth». Another would be to simply punish the child with no discussion. Another might be to degrade the child?s image of himself by criticising him for his various mistakes and faults in general.

All of these express to some extent the feelings which the parents may have. But they are not effective communication, because they do not express all the parents? feelings and serve only to make the child feel badly, without offering any opportunity for understanding what the child?s problem is in reality.

Obviously, the child has some need to speak in that way. He may have some problem or a need for attention or recognition. When the parent focuses only on his own embarrassment and fear, and ignores what might be going on in the child at this time, he loses contact with the child and a communication breakdown begins to take place between them. The child knows he has made a mistake, but he is unable to deal with the forces which cause him to act in this way. His way of speaking at school was either an outlet for some inner tension, or resentment, or an attempt for attention or recognition. The parent would do better to discuss his feelings about the situation with the child and try to help the child to open up so that he may discover what is going on in the child?s mind.

A possible communication might be something like this:

«John, I have a strong need to talk about this note with you. I am very concerned both for you and me. I am shocked and surprised, and I must admit a bit embarrassed in the eyes of others. But these are my problems. What concerns me most is that I also feel that maybe I have made some mistake in my attitude towards you. I feel somehow responsible for your behavior since I am your parent, and I wonder if I am doing a good job or not in bringing you up the way I do. I would like to try to understand.Please explain to me the events which happened at school and what was that made you feel the need to speak loudly and in that way. I would also like to know if there is something that I do which has contributed towards your feeling that you must express yourself in that way. I would also like you to tell me if there is anything that I can do to help you to feel more comfortable and happier».

The child may or may not open up. He may or may not be able to understand consciously what his problem is. In most cases, with the help of active listening the child will come to an understanding of what is going on within him.

N13 TO A CHILD ABOUT A THE MESSY HOUSE

A mother arrives home tired and upset after a variety of activities out of the house. Upon entering the house she finds everything to be in a mess. She had asked the children to keep the house clean because there would be visitors coming home that evening. What kind of message might she give?

Of course she will feel disappointed, let down, ignored, rejected, the victim, and, most likely, upset and angry. She might blame the children for being so inconsiderate, irresponsible, for not loving her, for not respecting her. This type of blaming will simply reinforce in the children?s minds the idea that they are as she has described them – not okay, not responsible and not to be trusted. They will then continue to be just that way.

A possible communication might be something like this:

«Children, come and sit down. I want to explain to you some things which are very important to me. I feel very disillusioned this moment. On the one hand, I feel let down. I was counting on your remembering my request that you be careful and keep the house clean and tidy. I am tired and I am worried about receiving these guests this evening. It is important for me that the house be clean when they arrive but I am too tired to do it at this moment. I also doubt whether I am bringing you up the right way when I see, at times like this, that you do not consider my requests for help and cooperation. I understand that when you play it is easy to forget such requests, but I ask you to try harder in the future, because I need your help. Now, I would be interested in your suggesting some way by which we can avoid this happening in the future».

After a discussion takes place as to how such situations could be avoided in the future, the mother can ask the children to now please help her by putting the place in order and cleaning up so that she can relax and get ready for the guests who are coming.

The key to effective communication is to look into ourselves and think about what we are really feeling and express that clearly and openly to the other, without hiding anything and without blaming or hurting the feelings of the others. After expressing how we feel, we always give the other person a chance to express his or her feelings on the subject.

N14 TO THE CHILD WHO ARRIVES HOME LATE

Although their daughter agreed to be home by 12 midnight, she arrives at 1.30 in the morning. The parents are extremely worried that something may have happened to her and are quite relieved when she finally gets home. What kind of message might they give to the child? They might express their anger at her disobedience and reject her for being inconsiderate and irresponsible. They might threaten her and punish her with the hope that she will obey out of fear in the future. Such methods of communication, however, may simply hurt the daughter?s feelings and create a sense of separation from the parents, along with a feeling of injustice and of being misunderstood by her parents.

Obviously in this case both parents and daughter have the right to feel what they feel. The question is not who is right but how they can communicate harmoniously and each fulfil their needs without harming the other.

A possible communication might be something like this:

«Maria, please sit down. We have a great need to discuss with you how we feel about you coming home at 1.30 in the morning, when we had agreed that you be here by midnight. We have been extremely worried during the last hour and a half. All kinds of possible dangers have passed through our minds as we were waiting for you. We love you very much and would not like any harm to come to you. We still feel responsible for your health and well-being, and would find it difficult to forgive ourselves if anything happened to you. We would feel that we had been irresponsible in our roles as parents. It is extremely important for us that we come up with a formula with regard to your evenings out, which would be agreeable to both you and us. We want you to be happy in your life but also have a need to feel that we are performing our role as parents correctly and that we are protecting you as well as we can. We also need to feel that we are bringing you up in the right way. When you do not respect your word, we worry about whether we have failed, as parents, to teach you to honour your word. We are interested in hearing from you what happened and why it is that you did not come back by midnight; also, how you believe we should act in this situation. We would like to hear your suggestions as to how we can find a formula for future times when you go out. It is very important for us that we know when you will be arriving and can be sure that you will be here at that time»»

The discussion can then go back and forth as the parents alternate between I-statements concerning our feelings and needs and active listening, in which they listen to the needs of the daughter, until they find some suitable solution.

N15 TO CHILDREN WHO ARE FIGHTING OVER A GAME

The following example could be one in which children are fighting over any subject or situation. When a parent sees his children fighting over a toy, a game, TV program, or any other object, he feels great inner conflict. He feels that both of his children are a part of himself, so when they are fighting, it is as if two parts of his own being are fighting. He may feel that he is failing as a parent to create harmony in his home. He may feel guilt for that. He may feel angry towards one of the children who is acting more egotistically. He may play the role of the judge and persecutor. He may punish one or both children, without discussion concerning his deeper feelings or his conflict in general.

A possible example of communication might be:

«Children, please come and sit down. I want to express to you how I am feeling at this moment, as I am watching you fight. Each of you is equally a part of me. I feel so connected with you that whatever happens to you is like it is happening to me. When you fight with one another, I feel great inner conflict. I feel confused. I do not know what to do. I do not want to take sides. I want you both to be happy. I do not know what is the way to make you stop. Maybe you could help me so we may together discover what I could do to help you, so that I do not get into conflict about this. This will be useful for all of us. There will certainly be times in your life, in which you will come into conflict with others around you; this will help us all to see how we can handle such conflicts in a different way. I would like each of you to think about what it is that you wanted and could not get from the other, which caused you to get angry and to fight in that way. Each will take turns to express what his problem was and we will keep going around until all of us have said whatever we need to say. I ask that only one rule be kept: when someone is talking, that we do not interrupt him but let him conclude that which he is trying to say. If we disagree with him, we can have a chance later to express it. Now, let us begin».

N16 MORE ABOUT COMMUNICATION WITH CHILDREN

«I – MESSAGES»

As with the «I-message» we learned in previous chapters, we explain to the child what we are really feeling and the thoughts, beliefs, expectations, fears and attachments which create those feelings within us. We communicate:

1. The various emotions which we are having.

2. The beliefs and programmings which are creating these emotions.

3. What stimulus or behavior on the part of the child triggers this mechanism.

4. How we usually act towards the child when we feel that way.

5. And wherever it is appropriate, we may ask the child to cooperate with us by avoiding that behavior in the future.

6. Then we ask the child to explain how he feels and we exercise active listening.

Let us take an example. A child brings home low grades. This is the stimulus, the event which is perceived by the parents? senses. Let us examine some of the emotions which the parents might feel with this event. Parents will feel differently depending on their programmings and expectations. One may feel disappointment, insecurity, shame, doubt about oneself as parent, anger towards the child, anger towards the teachers, inferiority towards other parents whose children are doing better, concern for the child or even guilt. Some parents may be strongly affected. Others may approach the problem more rationally and effectively without panic and family crisis.

Now what are some of the programmings or beliefs which a parent may have which may create some of these emotions. It is important to examine these, because, we may be being controlled by false programmings which may cause us to express anger or rejection towards the child, which, in this case, is probably the last thing he needs. The child too is obviously having a problem. This is a time when he needs to feel support and help in understanding what is preventing him from using his abilities to the extent that he could. Rejection or harsh words will only make him react more negatively or hide, closed into himself.

So, why is the parent feeling what he feels? What are some of the programmings or beliefs which control his mind?

1. A child must have high grades in order to succeed in the world.

A parent who is programmed in this way will feel fear about the child?s future and failure in his role as parent to prepare his child for the world.

Thus his «I-message» would be something like this, «John, I would like to talk with you. I have a problem. I feel responsible for your future. I believe that it is my responsibility to do whatever I can to help you be successful and happy in your life. I also believe that high grades are essential for your survival and success and happiness in the future. Perhaps I am not giving you something which you need. I would really like to talk about this in detail. How do you feel? Is there anything which is bothering you or preventing you from concentrating?

With this kind of «I-message» which leads into active listening in which we help the child to open up to us, the child is less likely to feel accused or hurt. Thus he will not need to react negatively or close up into himself. There will be a greater possibility of open, honest, effective communication.

At the same time, the parent would do well to examine those programmings which he has. It is true that success and happiness depend on high grades at school? Take a look around you. Does this theory hold up? Are the highly educated and very rich really happy? Perhaps some are. Did those who are successful, dynamic, happy, productive members of society have high grades or are there other factors involved? Perhaps higher grades can be had by one who knows how to memorize and be a robot at school. Does that mean that he can think, analyze and communicate with people? Does that mean that he is ethical or able to function in our society? Perhaps too much importance is being given to one of the many factors which may help our children survive and succeed in life. There are many others which may be much important in our child?s life such as morality, character, love for others, self-respect, self-confidence, enthusiasm, creativity, concern for others, and various other talents which the child may have.

When we worry and pressure the child on the basis of this one factor, we risk destroying all the others in the conflict which takes place. In general, the most creative and analytical minds cannot thrive in the mechanized uncreative school system.

2. A second belief a parent may have is that he is successful if his child is successful and unsuccessful if his child fails.

In this case the parent may explain this programming to the child. But does he have the right to ask the child to conform to some sort of behavior which simply fulfils the subjective programmings and expectations of the parent? Why should a child be forced to fulfil some specific expectation of the parents so that the parents can feel successful? That child may have been born to take a completely different road, to have other experiences which have nothing to do with the expectations of the parents or their definition of success.

The parent may have defined success with conditions like plenty of money, high professional position, or high social status. But will that particular personality who is now their child be happy in that role? Does money really bring happiness? Do people in high positions seem happier than others? Are they enjoying life? Are they healthy? Do they have harmony with those around them? What do we want for our children, success in the eyes of society or health, happiness and harmony? In some cases they may be able to have all that. In other cases, they may conflict. We cannot know. There is a small voice in the child which does know.

It is better for the child to decide what he wants to do with his life. That inner voice will guide him sooner or later to the role which that soul came to play on earth.

The parent, with this belief, that he is successful if his child is successful, must also examine the difference between efforts and results. The parent is responsible for his efforts. Not for the results. Parents with many children can verify that although they treat the different children much in the same way, the children react completely differently. It seems that each child brings with him some already developed traits, which are independent of the childhood programming which we give them.

How we behave towards the child and how we live our lives are extremely important factors in the child?s character development. But they are not the only factors. So we cannot judge ourselves based on the results of what happens with the child. We can judge ourselves based on our motives and our efforts. Have our motives been pure? Have we always done what we have thought was best for the child (regardless of whether todaywe see that we have made mistakes), have we always tried to do the best of our ability with the energy and consciousness which we had in the past? Realising this will help us be at ease with our conscience, and do not need to force our children to succeed in our terms,so that we can feel that we are successful parents. This is a great weight for the child to carry. We would not like to carry this weight and we have no right to place it on our children.

3. Another belief, which the parent may have which may cause him to get upset with the news of the low grades is, «I must have the acceptance, recognition and respect of others in order to feel self-acceptance and self-love». If a parent has need for recognition from friends and society through his child?s performance at school, then he will feel shame, inferiority, failure and then anger at the child for putting him in that position.

If the parents express only the anger to the child and accuse him of being a failure and useless, then they are on the one hand destroying even further the child?s self-confidence and ability to succeed, and on the other hand not being truthful. He is not expressing his real feelings which came before the anger.

Something which all parents, teachers and people in general must understand is that anger is always a second or third emotion. We feel anger when we first feel fear or insecurity. Most animals attack only when they are cornered and feel fear for their lives, or the lives of their children. The same is true of humans. When someone is angry you can be sure that somewhere behind that anger there is fear about something. It may be difficult to find but it is without doubt, there.

Take the present example. There may be the fear of rejection or ridicule by friends and relatives whose children may be doing better than ours. There might be the fear of failing in the role of the parent. There may be fear about the future of the child. There may be fear of losing control over the child. There may be fear of the rejection of the parents? belief system and expectations.

In this case the fear of what others will say causes the parent to become angry with the child. Thus the «you – message» to the child that he is no good, is not the complete truth. The parent must analyze his own needs for affirmation and see his need for approval from others, his doubt about his abilities as a parent and various other emotions which he may have had before he felt anger.

The problem is that these emotions work so quickly and usually subconsciously that the parent, who has not worked on self-analysis, will find it difficult to become conscious of the emotions which hide behind, and create his anger. In such cases keeping a diary is essential. The parent or teacher could take ten to twenty minutes every evening before sleeping and write down the major emotional experiences of the day. Then he can analyze the programmings or beliefs which are causing these emotions. In this way he will gradually gain clarity. (Details about self-analysis are given in Volume one: Discovering Our Selves)

We can see that a great part of effective communication is analysing our selves. Without this we cannot communicate honestly.

In the case of the parent who is controlled by the belief that he is successful if his child is, or that he must have the recognition of the people around him, most of the work depends on the parent?s changing these false programmings. He has no right to pressure the child for these selfish reasons. On the other hand, until he is able to free himself from these programmings, he can explain them to his child in an «I-message».

N17 ACTIVE LISTENING

Now the child himself obviously has a problem which is not allowing him to use his mental abilities to their full potential. His problem could have to do with conflicts within the family, conflicts with other children or with teachers at school, disappointments in love, lack of self-confidence, lack of proper nutrition, a disillusionment with society and the school system, as well as many other possibilities.

In such a case, the most effective method of communication is active listening. Let us look at some brief guidelines for active listening.

1) Let the other talk without interruption. Do not break his or her flow with your need to project your own ideas. When we interrupt others, we cut off their flow. This flow may bring to the surface the cause of the problem, which they themselves have not yet discovered.

2) Look into the other?s eyes and not away. Let your body be facing the person and not sideways. Show interest in what the other is saying, and in this way let him know that you are listening actively and carefully, and care about what he is saying.

3) Do not, in any case, criticize or start giving advice. This technique is like the «questioning» which Socrates used in order to bring out of the other the truth which was lying within him. It is extremely important not to criticise or disagree or reject during the active listening. At the end of the discussion we may state how we feel. After the discussion is completed, if we do not agree, we, of course, have the right to state so. But during the active listening do not stop the other?s flow with criticism or rejection.

4) Ask questions which help you to understand more clearly what the other is feeling. These question will help both you and the other (in this case, the child) to understand what the problem is. You can imagine that you are the other. Imagine how he feels, and what is going on in his life and you will be guided to the right questions to ask. Asking questions rather than giving advice may be difficult for some parents in the beginning. It is not easy, but most parents who have tried it have found it very effective and have been surprised by the results.

In some cases where the parent is performing this technique mechanically, the child may be surprised and react negatively, especially if he has learned to receive continual criticism from the parent, in which case the child will be on guard. But if the parent persists to show interest, and stops criticizing, at some point the child will open up. One must also be sensitive about the correct time and place to approach the child. Also a child must never be pushed against his will into discussing something which he does not want to. Eventually his need to come close to us will help him to open to us, if we accept the child as he is.

5) We may also affirm whether or not what we have understood from the child?s communication is correct. This technique is used by a whole school of psychologists to help a person open up and get clarity about what he is feeling. We simply repeat back to the child what he is telling us in our own words. This helps us to verify that we have understood what he is saying, and helps him to feel that we are accepting what he is saying. If he feels that we have not understood, he will try to explain to us in a different way. This will help both the parent and the child become more clear about what is bothering the child, or about what he thinks or feels.

These techniques for effective communication can do much to bring harmony and love to our relationships with our children. It is important that parents get started with this system immediately. No child is too young to understand this type of communication.

Because these techniques require a whole new way of thinking and communicating, we suggest that parents and teachers or any individuals who want to master them, seek out seminars which teach these methods with practical workshops.

Remember that the basis for all successful communication is love. Below you will find various examples of effective communication for various situations with children.

After each child has had a chance to express his feelings and opinions, and the opportunity to speak has gone around the circle a number of times and everything has been said, then the parent can ask for possible solutions as to how they can structure their lives and routine of living so as to avoid similar conflicts in the future. All of these solutions can be written down and then discussed. Eventually a combination of the various ideas can be adopted for a trial run to see how it works.

This group method of «brainstorming» for solutions to group problems had the advantage that each person feels that his ideas and needs have been respected in the creation of the solution. Even if his needs are not 100% met, he feels that at least he has been heard and considered and respected and allowed to participate. Thus his cooperation will be much greater and from the heart. Eventually the parent can close by asking the children how they would like the parent to act in such situations, if the children, in spite of their efforts, come into conflict again for some reason or other.

The basic obstacle towards such a way of handling conflicts between children is, on the one hand, the lack of time on the part of the parent and, on the other, the lack of ease the parent feels in handling such conflicts. We must learn that conflicts are natural in a world in which we all have different needs and different ways of seeing things. We tend to avoid talking openly about conflicts, which just makes them recur more and more often, because they are never brought out into the open and be solved. Many times conflicts occur about superficial or unimportant matters, when the real problem is about something else which has never been discussed. Handling conflicts in this open and honest way gives us a chance to deal with the real personality problems which are behind these superficial conflicts.

Communication is a lost art, one which must be regained through practice and by breaking free from the ineffective patterns which we have learned from our parents and from society.

Effective communication is a process of being constantly aware of what we are really feeling, and expressing it openly and honestly without blaming the others for what we feel. The other aspect of communication is to understand what the other person is feeling and thinking. Without mutual love, respect, understanding and atmosphere of equality, there can be no effective communication.

I again encourage parents, wishing to become more efficient in their communication skills, to take seminars on communication, in which they can practice those techniques under guidance. It is never too late to make the change. A parent might be 70 and the child 50 and they may still be caught up in the same old ego games they were 40 years ago. They would do well to free themselves of these obstacles to love and unity, and thus happiness.

N18 PUTTING OUR SELVES IN THE OTHER’S POSITION

Why this is so beneficial

When we are in conflict with others, or are feeling hurt or angry, we can often gain insight and peace of mind by putting ourselves in the their position. When we can imagine how the others must be feeling in order to act in the ways they do, we gain understanding, which simultaneously reduces our feelings of hurt and our anger and rejection towards them. Both our pain and anger are diminished through understanding.

Our understanding allows us to help others move through their negativity.

The virtue of understanding is a basic prerequisite for love and conscious love relationships.

A simple technique for gaining understanding is to:

We bring the other to mind and ask:

1. What must he or she be feeling in order to act in this way?

2. What must she or he not be getting from me which is causing this behavior?

3. What does he or she need from life which is causing this behavior?

4. What is she or he trying to protect with this behavior? (Perhaps security, self worth, freedom, certain pleasures?)

5.What would I have to feel in order to act this way?

6. If I were the other, how would I like to be healed in this situation?

N19 Examples of I-messages for Students

QUESTIONS FOR THE I MESSAGE

An effective I message requires that we first understand what we feel, need and think.

Imagine what your feelings, needs and thoughts might be in following situations. Then seek to form them into an I message.

The questions which you need to answer in each case are:

1. How do I feel about what is happening?

2. Which of my needs are not being fulfilled here?

3. What do I believe which makes those needs important to me?

4. Am I experiencing a inner need conflict here? If yes, what which are my needs which are conflicting?

5. What would I like to ask of the others? What cooperation, behavior, understanding do I need from them, and why?

Then we are ready to move on to active listening.

QUESTIONS FOR ACTIVE LISTENING

In order to think of the questions we would like to ask in order to help the child free him or her self from a disruptive or self destructive behavior, we first need to focus on the fact that this behavior is a natural response (a defensive or survival mechanism) to his environment – school, home and peer group.

We need to remember that his or her basic nature is goodness and a desire for learning and that these are distorted when he or she becomes emotionally blocked by various traumatic events or situations, which cause him or her to react in these negative ways.

Our goal is to try to discover those deeper internal factors which are causing this behavior and seek to help the child overcome them and reestablish his sense of self confidence and self esteem.

We will need a maxim of understanding, caring and a desire to help. We will need to be free from the tendency to take his or her behavior personally or take offense or be hurt.

It is equally important that the child feels that we will accept him or her no matter what he or she tells us and also that we will respect total confidentiality – in other words, that it is safe to open up to us.

Think of what types of questions you might want to ask concerning the following behaviors, after of course you have made your I – message.

What would you like to ask in order to understand:

1. What the child is feeling just before or during that behavior?

2. What the child is feeling in general in his life at this moment, and what is contributing to those feelings (Family situations, peer pressure, siblings, problems with other teachers, problems with us, personal doubts and fears etc.)?

3. What we can do to be of help?

4. What we might be doing which might be bothering him or her?

5. How he or she would like us to react if and when he or she falls into such behavior again?

6. If the behavior is inappropriate or unacceptable, what he or she considers a natural or logical consequence which would function as a corrective measure to help the child rid him or her self of that behavior pattern?

SITUATIONS & BEHAVIORS

1. Two or more children are talking while you are giving the lesson.

2. A child is making fun of another child.

3. A child is continually late for class.

4. A child is not performing as well as you know that he or she can.

5. A child speaks to you in a disrespectful manner.

6. A child is hitting another child.

7. The children are unruly in class.

COMMON FEELINGS

1. Fear that we are losing control of the classroom or the children and will not be able to perform our duty or will loose the general respect of the students or perhaps the faculty or headmaster.

2. Anger when we are not receiving the respect we feel we deserve.

3. Frustration when the children are not cooperating, not doing their work, not keeping our agreements.

4. Anxiety about our success as teachers and or our ability to achieve our goals.

POSSIBLE INNER CONFLICTS

1. The need to not burden the child with more feelings of rejection vs. the need to keep order in the class so that I can perform the duty for which I am being paid and in which I believe.

2. The need to aid the child in developing a suitable social behavior which will benefit him or her later in life, vs. the need not to hurt or suppress him or her.

3. The need to respond the children?s needs at a particular moment (restlessness, tiredness, boredom) vs. the need to cover the material which the children will need in order to proceed successful in school and life.

4. The need to enforce the school?s policies vs. the need to be true to myself when my own opinions might differ.

5. My need to give time and energy to a child who needs it vs. my need for personal time rest and recreation, preparation etc.

6. My need to treat the child with respect vs. my lack of energy and patience.

Life Lessons no 1- Self Suppression

Posted on March 7, 2012June 2, 2020 by Holistic Harmony

Life Stories and Lessons
S1 Situation & Lessons No. 1 – SELF SUPPRESSION

Anna does whatever she is asked to do despite the fact that she doesn’t want to.

Feeling mistreated, she grumbles, complains and bursts out in anger every so often, because of the resentment which accumulates within her. Although she feels suppressed, she finds it impossible to say “No”. She is afraid that they will not love her any more, that they will reject her if she refuses what they request of her.

She believes that their “love” for her is based solely in the prerequisite that she comply with their every wish.

Her family members have gotten used to Anna in this role, and now take it for granted that she will do to anything they ask of her. Even though she complains, plays the role of the victim, and frequently declares she will do no more, they do not hear this, because her actions never follow her words. She has threatened often to stop doing whatever they ask, but has never once stopped. She does not know how to. She is afraid that she will loose their love. Also she receives her feelings of self worth from being the victim the martyr, the good person who is done injustice to, who has no time for personal needs.

Her husband and children could easily love her even if she didn’t do all these things, but they have simply gotten used to this situations and have found the easy solution to let Anna do everything, especially in the home. The truth is that in spite of all her complaining and threats, she has never asked them to all sit down to discuss the matter in a clear and effective manner.

And thus each stayed in his and her role until one day…

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Then one day she thinks. “what kind of love is this which depends on whether I suppress myself, have no needs and do whatever they ask me. This is not love but bartering. I barter my freedom and needs and self respect for their acceptance and “love”. I will start expressing my needs and will say “Yes” only when I really feel it. Whoever really loves me will continue to do so.

But Anna at first was not comfortable at saying “no” and found her self saying it rather roughly and aggressively. Also she had suppressed herself for so many years, that she now wanted to do very few things that were asked of her. She felt each request an infringement on her freedom.

She had now come to the other extreme of behavior. She was uncooperative and aggressive.

Gradually Anna will realize that real freedom is giving out of love and not out fear. When we give out of fear of rejection, then we are not really giving but bartering whatever we are giving for the others’ acceptance.

Real giving is giving when we know we are free not to give, but chose to give out of love for the others.

She will then say “Yes”, about the same number of times she did in the past, but now she will be saying “yes” out of freedom and not out of fear, and she will feel no pressure and will be happy.

How can she manage that? What could her lesson be? Does she need to realize that she is lovable just as she is, even when she cannot respond to what others ask of her? Or does she need to learn to give as she is now, but out of love and not out of fear of rejection? Does she need to learn to let others be responsible for their reality? Or perhaps she needs to realize that she is worthy and lovable and good even when she in not a victim and even when she attends to her own needs?

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You can download an ebook with 52 life situations and possible lessons that each might have in those situations at

https://www.armonikizoi.com/store/products/life-coach-2-situations-and-lessons

The situations included in that ebook are the following.

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LIFE STORIES AND LESSONS

These contain possible lessons to be learned. The stories involve real-life scenarios and offer us a clearer and deeper understanding deeply our own life situations.

We are educators and believe in the information we are sharing with you. But we are not doctors and cannot take any responsibility for you health. Ultimately in all cases, even with your doctors, you are responsible for your health and must follow your inner voice concerning how to maintain your health or heal your self. If you have any doubt about any suggestions you find here, consult your doctor or simply do not employ them.

S01 Self Suppression – Anna does whatever she is asked to do despite the fact that she doesn’t want to and then feels that she has been done injustice to.

S02 Super Woman – Katerina is very conscientious, a hard worker and reliable in all cases. No one knows she has needs and feels hurt.

S03 They Have Nothing In Common – They are married and have nothing in common.

S04 To Communicate Or Not – Melina solves her problems by talking and using her husband as a sounding board. He is aloof and prefers not to talk.

S05 Jealousy – Vasilis is very jealous of Efi and does not want her out of the house at all without him.

S06 Different Sexual Needs – She lost her desire for sexual contact very early in her marriage. He feels rejected and suppressed.

S07 He Doesn’t Love Me – She is unhappy because her husband does not love her.

S08 Illness – Gina’s long standing illness has become a source of tension for all her family.

S09 Fear And Jealousy, Suppression And Reaction – She is not very sure of herself as woman. She doubts whether a man can stay interested in her.

S10 Social Life – He does not feel comfortable with people. She needs frequent social contact.

S11 Anger – Vicky never expresses her anger, but receives everyone else’s.

S12 Anxiety – She has continual anxiety about her children.

S13 Our Happiness Is Dependent On How The Other Is – Anastasia cannot feel well when her husband Antonis is one is not well.

S14 Shame – She often feels ashamed of her husband’s behavior.

S15 Does Not Keep Agreements – He says “YES” to what he is requested, but then does not do it.

S16 If They Loved Me, They Would Respond To My Needs. – Aliki is hurt and angry because no one in her family love her enough to respond to her needs.

S17 Perfectionism – Marina is a perfectionist and this annoys her husband, Dionisis.

S18 Mother In Law – Elias is caught between two women he loves, his wife and his mother.

S19 What To Do? – Argyro loves Stellios but she is not “in love” with him. He has proposed marriage. What she should do?

S20 Losing Weight And Smoking Cigarettes – He rejects her for being overweight and she retaliates about his smoking.

S21 Strength And Fear – Emotion And Logic – A few years ago she had an experience in which she almost fainted in the center of the City.

S22 Mirroring Negativity – Nikos had the need to share his problems with his wife when he arrived home from work.

S23 His Wife Is Missing From The House Continually – He feels rejected and demeaned by the fact that his wife is out of the house so much.

S24 A 30 Year Old Child – Both Froso and her husband experience inner and outer conflict because their thirty year old son has not yet become economically independent.

S25 Meaningful Work – He is dissatisfied with his work, and wants to stop. His wife is afraid he might leave it.

S26 Fear Of Death – Giorgos, now fifty two, had always been a strong a capable man. Now he fears death.

S27 Addiction – He is an alcoholic. Both he and his family suffer.

S28 Just Divorced – Margarita was just left by her husband who went off with another woman.

S29 Death Of Loved One – Sophia who is only 45, with three children, lost her husband three months ago.

THE LIFE SITUATIONS FROM NO. 30 AND ON ARE FROM THE BOOK

The Psychology of Happiness

S30 Communication Problems – Anna enjoys sharing her feelings with her husband Paul. She also needs to know what he is feeling and thinking. When she is unable to communicate with him, she feels neglected and unloved.

S31 Anxiety About Grades – John and Barbara have three children in junior and senior school. Their house witnesses frequent battles concerning how much the children need to study and what grades are acceptable.

S32 Fear That He Is Having An Affair – Wendy is sure that her husband Mark is having an affair. She doesn’t have absolute proof but she just knows it in her heart. She is afraid and deeply hurt and disappointed. She feels rejected, demeaned, betrayed, quite insecure, not to mention angry.

S33 Alcoholic Father And Husband – Mary’s father was an abusive alcoholic. Her husband Tony is following in his footsteps. As is quite common, Mary has selected a husband who is simply a continuation of her father.

S34 Mother-In-Law – Phillip’s mother- in- law Olga has moved in. She tends to intrude into their lives, telling them what they are doing wrong and criticizing their behavior; especially concerning how they bring up their children.

S35 The Absent Spouse – Janice’s Husband Ted is seldom home. He prefers the office, the club and the bar. On the weekends he goes hunting with his male friends.

S36 Self Evaluation – Today Charles has discovered that his coworker Andy had a more successful professional year than he did. Andy sold more accounts and was commended and promoted by the company.

S37 Self Suppression – Susan suppresses herself in order to be accepted and loved. However, those around her don’t do the same. She feels mistreated. She feels hurt and mentally complains and criticizes. She feels that she is being done an injustice to, but he never shares this with others. For her, the others are not correct, because they treat her unjustly.

S38 The Intimidator – Elias is an Intimidator. He seeks to control others by making them fear him. He obstructs them from asking anything of him or from controlling him, by making them afraid to approach. He does this by shouting, intimidating, accusing, threatening and occasionally even resorting to physical violence. He uses other people’s fear and self doubt to control them.

S39 The Interrogator – Katherine plays the role of the interrogator. She would have made a good lawyer. She controls others by playing with their need for her approval. She does this by criticizing, doubting, giving advice and, in general, creating doubt about the others’ ability or correctness in what they are doing.

S40 The Aloof – Manfred tends to withdraw into himself and seldom communicates his feelings, thoughts or needs. His wife and children find him to be aloof. He distances himself from others, avoiding meaningful or honest emotional contact.

S41 The Victim – Martha, 75 years old, has identified with the role of the victim since she got married fifty years ago. She plays on the others’ pity and guilt. When they are angry with her, she protects herself from their rage and aggression by playing the weak abused person, usually crying.

S42 Cannot Be Happy When Others Are Not – Tatiana is very sensitive and identifies emotionally with those close to her. She finds it very difficult to be happy when anyone near her is not well, either physically or emotionally. She feels responsible. She also believes that it is not proper to be happy when someone she loves is not well.

S43 Do Not Change My Program – Albert is a very organized person. He likes everything to be in its place and to be in control in all situations. In order to feel safe, he needs to be functioning within a program. He needs for this program to be airtight and not change. If for some reason beyond his control what he has programmed should change, he loses his serenity and can become very negative and even threatening.

S44 Perfect, Strong And Conscientious – Janet is a superwoman. She is extremely capable, efficient and conscientious. When she has something to do, she will not rest until it is accomplished. She can not live with “matters pending”. She can rest only when they have been completed.

S45 Fear Concerning The Children – Nora has intense fears concerning her children’s welfare. She is afraid of their becoming ill and has nightmares about the possibility of their departing from their bodies. She also fears that they might become involved in drugs, be kidnapped, have an accident or in some way be harmed. She simply cannot handle the possibility of her children being harmed in any way.

S46 Parental Pressure – Steven is a student at a well-known university. He is not happy. He has lost interest in his major and does not want to continue. His parents will not even discuss the possibility of his not completing his degree. He is fast approaching a depressive state, as he sees no solution.

S47 Loud Neighbors – Beverly lives with her husband and children in an apartment building. The tenants upstairs seem have little awareness of or respect for others. They play their television and stereo quite loud until early hours of the morning and walk in such a way so as to create a loud tapping noises with their ever step.

S48 Good, Righteous And Spiritual – Paul is very much identified with the role of the “good, righteous and spiritual person”. That is not to say that he is not a good person, but that he bases his self worth on this fact and wants to appear even more “spiritual” than he is.

S49 Weak, Incapable And Dependent – Hubert feels weak and incapable. He has been programmed in this way by a weak mother and a domineering and demeaning father. He has come to perceive himself as unable to face the difficulties of life.

S50 The Rebel The Revolutionary, The Negative, The Antagonist. – Jake is a rebel. He easily feels suppressed and reacts in ways to protect his freedom often from imaginary dangers. He believes that others cant to control him and prevent him from doing what he would like to do.

S51 <a href=”/archives/lessons/s_51.asp”>The Parent The Savior, The Teacher, The Responsible – Anthony is a “savior”. He feels responsible for all around him. He believes that he must save them and keep them well and happy. He cannot rest when someone he feels responsible for is not well or happy. He feels that he has failed in his “role”. Others can easily use or control him, by making him feel that he is responsible for their reality.

S52 The Guilty, The Sinner, The Bad, The Evil One – Susan has a tendency to feel guilty. She has been programmed to believe that she is unworthy, evil a sinner. This causes her to incessantly seek her self worth through others. She spends tremendous amounts of energy attempting to prove her self worth through her professional endeavors, her service to others.

Life Lessons no 3 – They Have Nothing in Common

Posted on March 7, 2012June 2, 2020 by Holistic Harmony

Life Stories and Lessons
S3 SITUATIONS AND LESSONS NO. 3 – THEY HAVE NOTHING IN COMMONVoula and Makis have nothing in common.

They cannot communicate. Both feel lonely, disappointment and injustice. As they have completely different interests and opinions on just about everything, one would wonder why they got married in the first place.

That is the power of Erotas. His job is to get people together who have something to teach each other and something to learn from each other. He does this by making them blind to the fact that the other has many things which annoys us. When the effect of Erotas’ arrows pass and we wake up from our dream, we find our that we are married to a person who embodies many behaviors which annoy us and that often they have a completely different value system.

This is also augmented by the fact that Voula has begun to search for something deeper through self analysis and self knowledge seminars. She has begun to move in directions which Makis rejects. And thus the gap between them is widening.

Both feel cheated because they both want to be with someone who thinks like them and fits their mold of what a man or woman should be.

He wants her to be at home more, to attend to himself and the children exclusively. He wants her to pay more attention to her appearance and to agree with him on everything.

She wants him more sensitive, more expressive of what he is feeling. She would like to share her psychological and philosophical discoveries with him. He is not only not interested, but also intimidated by the fact that she has something else in her life besides him, and that she may even be able to be better at something than he is. This is unbearable for him as a man and thus he tries through the role of the “intimidator” to stop her.

Voula, after playing the victim for a number of years, has now with her psychological skills become the perfect interrogator, attacking back with her analysis of his fears and complexes, something which makes Makis even more outraged, and then he really gets into the intimidator role, even threatening her with physical violence, if she doesn’t stop that psychological stuff.

Where will this end if each does not learn his and her own lessons? What do they need to learn?

Voula: Is her lesson to try to help her husband feel secure with her? Perhaps show more interest is his interests? Are they both playing the game of who is right? Does she need to stop playing this game? Does she need to learn to use her analysis on her self only and not as weapon against her husband? Does she need to learn to sacrifice what she wants occasionally so that she can help him feel more secure and loved? Or does she need to follow what really interests her and let him be responsible for his reality? Or both? Does she need to remember that he is exactly the husband she needs for her growth process and that she is not the victim and that no mistake has been made, and that she couldn’t evolve better with someone else?

Makis: Does he need to become more secure in himself? More understanding and less fearful of his wife’s needs and activities? Does he too need to try out approaching his wife by partaking in her interests? Does he need to show her more affection and love? Does he need to reevaluate his prototypes for what a wife must be like so that he can accept his wife for what she is, rather than try to make her be what he would like her to be?

Both: Perhaps both need to remember that the other is their teacher. And to approach the other with love and an open mind and open heart. Both might need to let go of the game who is right, and put listening and loving above being right. Perhaps both need to be able to feel close to the other even when the other does not agree. This will take a high degree of inner security and self acceptance on both parts.

Both need to work with the exercises in this book very much.