LIST OF POSSIBLE ROLES AS WELL AS CONDUCTS, REACTIONS AND MECHANISMS CREATED AS A RESULT OF PAST CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCES, AND BELIEFS.
1. Obviously most persons will manifest a variety of roles and of course may not manifest all the beliefs and behaviors listed for each role.
2. Also there will be many behaviors and beliefs which we have not mentioned here.
3. The numbers listed in some cases refer the childhood experiences found in the LIST OF POSSIBLE CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCES.
THE GOOD, THE RIGHTEOUS,THE SPIRITUAL
Key: I am worthy and secure if I am, (or appear to be) righteous, good and spiritual.
A. Some possible behaviors.
1. Tries to appear good, or righteous using appropriate deeds, words, and conduct.
2. Suppresses himself and/or others to act ‘righteously’ , even he does not feel or to believe in what is he is doing.
3. Criticizes, rejects or accuses others [and, secretly, himself] for mistakes ,inconsistencies or “bad behavior”.
4. “Advertises” in various ways, events which show how good, righteous or superior he is.
5. Hides “evil” secrets perhaps sexual, or some other “sin”.
6. Plays the role of the savior, the teacher, the counselor, the parent, etc.
7. Could fight and even kill for the “his cause”.
8. Feels superior to others.
9. He can also play the role of the unjustly treated one.
10. Tends to be fanatical.
B. He may have inner or outer conflicts with the roles of the evil one, the rebel, the indifferent one, the
C. Some of the childhood experiences which might possibly lead one to this role are those which made the child feel:
1. Injustice, creating the need to never be unjust, and to always be right and correct.
2. Demeaned, criticized, accused ,hurt, or rejected, creating a need to prove his worth through the role of the righteous, the good, and the just.
3. Guilt, and especially in respect to the fear of punishment from God. He then experiences a great need to be perfect and to never allow others see his mistakes. This is often an outward projection which covers his secret “sins”.
4.Being compared with others, caused him to need to appear perfect to others, in order to have their acceptance.
5. As a child he felt ashamed for his parents, or he rejected them.
6. Experienced some important adult playing this role of the”good, spiritual or righteous one”.
Just about all childhood experiences can lead to this role.
D. Many possible combinations of beliefs lead to and sustain this role.
Some of them are:
1. I will be accepted only if I am right., good, or spiritual.
2. I must do what the others consider right and good in order to have their approval.
3. If I am not good and righteous, God will punish me (He might also punish my children).
4. If I am or appear good, righteous and/or spiritual, I am superior to others.
5. I am worthy only if I am superior.
6. I am no good and I am not worthy as I am, and I have to be “good” or at least appear good so that others love me and accept me.
THE PERFECT, THE CAPABLE,THE STRONG.
Key: I am worthy and safe if I am[or appear to be] capable, strong, perfect.
A. Some possible behaviors.
1. Takes over more responsibilities and activities than he is able to handle effectively in a relaxed way, with concentration, love, and without this gradually causing a negative effect on his emotional or physical state.
2. He seeks to “advertise” directly and indirectly how much he has done and how perfectly he can do it, i.e. How superior he is, and how worthy he is. He finds it difficult to give responsibilities to others, to trust that they will do something right or that they can solve their own problems.
3. He finds it difficult to allot responsibilities to others or to have faith in their abilities.
4. He finds it difficult to co operate with others:
a. So as to avoid sharing the results and the recognition.
b. Because the other might make a mistake and ruin the results and thus the recognition.
5. Criticizes, rejects and sometimes attacks weakness in others (and subconsciously in himself). Other peoples’ mistakes and weaknesses remind him of his own, which he cannot accept.
6. He finds it difficult to express his needs, fears or his pains, as they might be construed as weakness.
7. He might laugh when normally he would like to cry.
8. He can disregard the needs of those closest to him, so that he can achieve much, appearing strong and successful to others.
9. He might engage in dubious means in order to succeed.
10. He might confuse power with cruelty and senselessness.
11. He finds it difficult of express his needs or to accept help even if he is ill.
12. He finds it difficult to accept presents. He wants to give always more than he receives, in order to have always the upper hand in the transaction
13. He finds it difficult to express tenderness, affection and love, because he considers these expressions of weakness.
14. He might get entangled in obsessive thoughts, actions and obsessive various rituals while searching for perfection.
B. He might have an external or internal conflict with the roles of the weak, the unable, the lazy, the guilty, the unworthy, the victim, the child, the fearful, the sick, the indifferent ,the rebel, the subordinate, and the demeaned
C. Some of the childhood experiences that might possibly lead one to this role might be any of the following:
1. Feeling rejected concerning his abilities.
2. Feeling Injustice, pain, feeling demeaned or hurt, because of:
a. specific weaknesses he had.
b. his weakness in comparison to the power of the adults.
3.Feeling shame or rejection towards a parent and thus, the need to look like and to become a “successful” person.
5. Being compared with others.
6. Being made to feel guilty, that he is not good or he is not worthy.
7. Being abandoned, or feeling that he is alone in the world without support and thus he would have to be strong in order to survive.
8. He got the message that he is weak, lazy, incapable, and that he will not do anything at all in his life, and he will not be be accepted and secure.
9. He did not receive the affection, the love and the tenderness he needed so he decided to become strong, so that he “will not” need it.
10. He experienced sick people who were a burden for the others and decided not to be the same.
11. He experienced that weakness and need lead to dependency on and to suppression by those he was dependent on, and he decided not to need anyone, so as not to loose his freedom.
12. He came across a significant adult who played this role.
More often from experience: no 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,12, 13,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,25,27,30,31.
D. Some beliefs leading to this role:
1. I am worthy and secure only if I am strong, capable or perfect.
2. If my weaknesses or mistakes are apparent.
a. Others will reject me, they will demean me, they will ridicule me. I will lose their respect and their love.
b. I will be abandoned.
c. I will be used.
d. They will control me. They will have power over me and I will lose my freedom.
3. Whoever has weaknesses:
a. Is not worthy.
b. Is vulnerable and he will get hurt, he will suffer from the others and from life.
4. Life is difficult, hard and there is no protection ,or support. I must be strong in order to survive.
5. I am the only force in my life.
6. Others are incapable of doing anything right. I cannot trust them. They will ruin the results.
7. My strength, my capability, and my perfection are measured by the results of my efforts and not so much by my motives or my effort itself.
8. One’s worth depends upon his capabilities and his achievements.
9. I must be perfect in everything in order to be worthy.
THE VICTIM, THE ABUSED, THE MARTYR
Key 1. Others created my reality and are to blame for my present situation.
Key 2. Since the abuser is unjust and wrong, the abused is just and right, and therefore, virtuous and good.
Key 3. I do not deserve something better. I cannot have anything better in my life.
A. Some possible conducts:
1.He does not express his feelings or his needs. Therefore others do not respect them and thus, he gains the right to remain in the role of the victim
2. He often sacrifices himself, even when others do not ask him to or even do not want him to.
3. He does not allow himself time for rest, enjoyment, recreation, or techniques which might bring him health, vitality, peace, and happiness. Happiness is not “allowed” in this role.
4. He often complains about life’s injustices and problems.
5. He finds a lot of reasons why his problems cannot be solved or why he cannot do anything to solve them.
6. He expects others to solve his problems.
7. He is more prone to illness or pain. He may also be able to endure or suffer these pains. These wounds of the “hero, received from the battle of life” make him feel worthy.
8. Occasionally, he is a “silent victim” or a “silent martyr” and he suffers without either expressing his pain in words, or his needs.
9. He usually withdraws when there are conflicts of needs or values, he might remain a silent victim or complain directly or indirectly.
10. Some of the weapons he uses to protect himself are:
a. Sickness, which forces others to pay attention to him and not ask much from him.
b. Sickness, pain and/or unhappiness, for which the others are to blame, and thus they are guilty and he is okay.
c. Whining and complaining without effective direct confrontation.
11. Complaining to a third party, about the problems he has with others.
12. He might undermine himself with alcohol, food, cigarettes, medicine, drugs etc.
13. He might test the love of the people nearer to him with a negative behavior which in the end pushes them away, and once more this event confirms to him that he is a victim.
B. He might have a conflict both internally or externally with the roles of the strong, the superior, the bad, the rebel, the parent, the child, the judge, and the liberated..
C. Some important childhood experiences that could possibly lead in such a role are:
1. Some form of injustice from the environment (criticism, fear, rejection, punishment, beating, violence, rape, pain, hurt, humiliation e.t.c.] 2. His inability to protect himself.
3. A parent or another important person playing this role.
4. Someone who made the child feel guilty and responsible for others’ problems.
5. Guilt through messages from his environment, that he is not worthy of having a good and a happy life.
6. Born female in discriminating countries and being programmed that because she is a woman she does not deserve something better.
7. Being born into a social class which is discriminated against.
8. Not being able fulfill his needs as a child.
9. Being a child was the only way for him or someone else, to have the attention of the others[ e.g. through illness or through problems].
10. When as a child he believed that he is responsible for how others are or feel, and that he must sacrifice himself for them.
11. As a child he believed that he needs the others and without them he cannot survive or progress .Therefore he must suppress himself in order to have their love and their protection.
12. He was a spoiled child and now cannot always have what he wants.
Often through the experiences: No 1,2,3,4,5,6,8,9,11,12,14,15,16,17,18, 19,20,22,23,24,25, 26,28, 29,30,31.
D. Beliefs which might lead in such a role:
1. Others are responsible for my reality, my problems, my happiness and my unhappiness, my health and my sickness.
2. I have been unjustly treated by others, life, God.
3. I do not deserve anything better. I cannot have anything better.
4. As long as I am a victim I am right, because the others are unjust. As long as I am a victim then I am right and I am worthy, perhaps even superior.
5. I cannot protect my self from others. If there is a conflict I will get hurt, I will be in pain. It is better to withdraw and to suppress and sacrifice my self.
6. I am responsible for others so I must sacrifice myself for them.
7. I am a subordinate being and I do not have the right to express my needs, my feelings, or my beliefs.
8. If I do not withdraw I will be hurt.
9. I am incapable of facing life alone. I need the others, and for this reason I must suffer injustice so as not to be abandoned.
10. I am guilty and I do not deserve anything better.
12. I am a woman and my role is to sacrifice my self.
THE WEAK, THE UNABLE, THE SICK, THE CHILD, THE DEPENDENT, INCAPABLE
Key: I am not able to face the difficulties of life.
Key 2: Life is difficult and dangerous.
A. Some possible behaviors.
1. He tries to find someone to take over the responsibility for his life (possibly someone who plays the role of the parent, the savior, the teacher, the strong e.t.c)
2. He becomes lazy as a result of fear.
3. He may become physically paralyzed (mainly in the legs) or emotionally (He cannot work, or sometimes, even to go out of the house.)
4. He becomes ill in order not to face life.
5. He avoids finishing school; he does complete his diploma, so he “cannot” face life.
6. He ruins his chances for success, health, and happiness, by getting addicted to alcohol, cigarettes, overeating, narcotics etc.
7. He gets trapped in various obsessive habits, thoughts and rituals engaging his time and his thoughts in order to not be aware of life around him.
8. He creates codependent relationships where he feels that must have the other and often he feels suppressed and abused by him/her.
9. He absorbs himself in various activities with the intention of occupying his mind and his time in order not to face life.
10. He avoids people or seeks company with specific people with whom he feels secure.
11. He praises and flatters others so that they will accept him, and then he can lean on them.
12. He accuses others for his present situation, so that they will feel guilty and take care of him.
13. He often asks for financial support. He finds it difficult to remain in a specific job.
14. He finds it difficult to be punctual and efficient towards responsibilities, disciplines programs and partnerships, not because he is incapable of doing so, but because then, his thoughtform will not be valid anymore and he will be a responsible person. If he becomes responsible then there is the danger:
a. That he might fail and then he would feel rejection again.
b. He would need to face life alone, and this is a great “risk and danger” because he doesn’t have self acceptance.
15. He uses his health, his unhappiness or even his life (commits suicide) to “blackmail” the ones he feels “responsible” (usually his family) to take care of him and to take responsibility for him.
16. He underestimates his abilities and his virtues.
17. He does not want to grow up and to have responsibilities.
18. He tests the others’ love in various ways.
19. He speaks of how incapable, bad and unworthy he is and how much he is a burden for others. So, whoever is listening to him would tell him the opposite and thus he would gain affirmation.
B. He may have an internal or external conflict with the role of the parent, the teacher, authority, the savior, the victim, the powerful, the perfect , the right, and the capable.
C. Some childhood experiences leading to similar roles:
1. He did not receive the care, attention, love, and / or affection he needed as a child. Now he receives them through this role.
2. He had a very powerful and successful person as an ideal and he does not believe he can attain that level of achievement.
3. He experienced violence, criticism, accusation, rejection, rape, danger, or comparison with others.
4. He was spoilt and was not allowed to do anything, to confront anything, to take any responsibilities.
5. He was told he was lazy, good for nothing, and that he would not be able to achieve anything in his life.
6. He experienced many illnesses as a child and the thoughtform of being weak , and needing protection ,was created as a result.
7. He had older siblings responsible for him and he did not cultivate abilities of his own.
8. He was forced to take over a lot of responsibilities as a child. And because he did not enjoy either the freedom of being a child, nor support from another, now he has the need to have this experience. He wants to be a child and to be taken care of.
9. He experienced very strict parents who did not permit him any form of expression and freedom.
10. His parents gave him the message they expected much from him in life, as he is a “special child”.
More often from the experiences : No 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,12,13,14,15,16,17,18, 19, 20,21, 22,24,25,26,27,28,29,30,31.
D. Some beliefs that may lead towards these roles:
1. I am unable to face the difficulties of life.
2. I am not able to fulfill my parents expectations.
3. They will reject me if I try and fail. It is better not to risk it.
4. Life is difficult and dangerous.
5. I need my parents (or my partner, siblings etc.) in order to feel safe . Without them I am in danger.
6. I am weak, I am not clever or talented. I do not have any qualifications. I am not worthy and I will not be able to succeed.
7. I do not have the discrimination in order to take my own decisions. I need the others to tell me what to do.
8. If I grow up I will have to take responsibility for my life.
a. I will lose my purity. Grown ups are wicked and immoral. God will not love me .
b. I will fail.
c. Others will not take care of me.
d. I will be fatigued, I will be deprived of my easy living.
THE GUILTY, THE SINNER, THE BAD, THE EVIL ONE
Key 1: I am guilty, I am a sinner, I am no good.
Key 2: I am not worthy of love , acceptance, or help from man or God.
Key 3: I am in danger (I am unprotected, subject to punishment)
A. Some possible ways of conduct:
1. He tries to prove his worth through:
a. Professional and social success.
b. Good deeds and sacrifices towards others.
c. Service towards others.
d. Speaking of his good actions.
e. Says how bad and incapable he is so that others around him will tell him the opposite.
f. Rejects, criticizes, accuses others for their sins and guilt.
2. He undermines his health, happiness, success and the progress in his relationships:
a. By becoming addicted in food, sweets, alcohol, cigarettes, medicines, sedatives, drugs anything which would “numb” his mind, so as avoid experiencing pain and fear.
b. Breaks his relationships, usually testing the others’ love and the dedication with negative behavior, in order to push them away and to prove once more that “no one” can love him.
c. Sabotages his successes at the last minute, breaks or tests relationships in various ways.
d. He does not make efforts which might him liberate himself from his problems.
SURRENDERING TO THE ROLE
3. He acts as the “guilty, the bad, the cruel, the sinner, the incapable”
a. He does not take the others’ needs into consideration.
b. He becomes “selfish” without feelings for others.
c. He commits crimes (lies, cheats, steals, kills, takes advantage of).
d. Criticizes, accuses, rejects and hurts others.
e. Generally he becomes “bad” out of bitterness, guilt and self rejection.
f. He hates “goodness” and fights against it.
4. He takes on a lot more work than he is able to execute in a peaceful manner, and looses his love and also his health in order to prove his worth.
5. He becomes easily upset, stressed and angry. He expects the worst from every situation or problem.
6. He cannot be at peace when others are not happy or satisfied, as he feels it is his fault.
7. Allows others to abuse him.
8. He does not allow time for his personal well being.
9. Sees everyone as superior, better than him.
10. Lives with the concept of a continuous “must” in his mind. He does a lot of things because he must in order to be “good” and not because he loves doing it, or even wants to do it.
11. He cannot accept criticism at all, or even advice, because this would arouse his already present feelings of self rejection.
12. He might demand of himself to be perfect in some area of his life (usually cleanliness, tidiness and appearance).
13. He perceives himself as selfish and he rejects himself for that.
14. He finds it difficult to ask for help, as he does not “deserve” it.
15. He finds it difficult to see, to hear about or accept his qualities.
16. He is afraid that “punishment” will arrive sometime soon. “Life cannot be beautiful” .
17. He is afraid of illness and of death (forms of punishment).
18. He finds it difficult to say “no” or says “no” in an angry way because of fear of saying “no.”
19. He gets angry when he does not receive acceptance from others – then he feel unworthy.
B. He may have an internal or external conflict with the roles of the bad, the right, the child, the parent, the capable, the perfect, the weak, the savior, the teacher, and the role of any authority.
C. Some childhood experiences which may lead one to these roles are:
1. The child he received the message that he is bad, unworthy, guilty or was rejected in various ways:
a. He was told so by their criticism, their accusation and by their rejection.
b. The parent himself was guilty, not good, rejected.
c. She was a girl, or child born in a certain social class, religion, or race which was considered subordinate.
d. He was told that has badly “sinned”.
e. He was told that God does not pardon, but rather, punishes the guilty.
f. His parents had serious problems and were unable to demonstrate stability and love towards their children, so the child concluded that “I am not worthy -I am bad”
g. The parents did not have time for the child.
h. A parent died and the child took it as an abandonment or as a punishment.
2. The child experienced violence or cruelty. The child came to a conclusion that “I am guilty – the others are right”
3. They caught the child playing with his genitals (alone or with other children) and he was told that he committed a sin, that he was evil.
4. Someone was hurt and the child was told that it was his fault.
5. The child was frequently told about his guilt and about God’s punishment.
6. The child was sexually approached / molested and he/she felt guilty, that it was his/her fault.
7. He hated someone for the other’s conduct and finally the other died or some other calamity befell him .The child feels he is responsible.
8. He was programmed to feel responsible for others in general, and for whatever bad may befall them.
More frequently form experiences such as: No. 1,,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,11,12,13, 14,15,16,17,18,19,21,22,23,24,25,30,31.
D. Some beliefs that may lead to wards these roles:
1. I am guilty ,bad, and I am not worthy because:
a. I have sinned .
b. I was not given love and affection by others and this means that I am not worthy.
c. I was told by others that I am not worthy.
d. I was abandoned by others (or they died) which means that I am not worthy (or that they do not love me; or it was God’s punishment).
e. I failed to become perfect.
f. I failed to satisfy others.
g. I failed to protect others.
h. I failed to create a reality without problems for the others (then siblings, now children , partners, parents)
i. I belong to a subordinate sex, race, religion, social class.
j. I am not clever, capable, successful.
k. God does not love me (I was told by my parents, grandparents)
l. Whoever makes mistakes is guilty, a sinner.
3. God does not pardon, he hates and punishes the sinners, my mistakes cannot be pardoned.
4. Whoever makes mistakes does not deserve to have a good time, to have good health, to be happy, successful, and be respected.
5. I am responsible for how others feel and I am guilty if they are not happy and satisfied.
6. I am guilty when others criticize or accuse me or when they complain or are not happy.
7. I am unworthy when others do not trust me.
8. I am unworthy when I do not reach my goals.
9. I am unworthy because:
a. eat too much.
c. drink alcohol.
d. do not work hard enough.
e. my children have problems.
f. others are not satisfied with me.
g. I don’t do what I could do
h. do not help as I much as I could.
i. have sexual urges.
10. I am unworthy no matter what I do.
11. I do not deserve that others would respect my needs.
12. I will be punished. Something bad will happen to me or to my family..
13. All others are good, I am unworthy.
14. I must do a lot more than others in order to be worthy.
15. When I am criticized or someone raises his voice at me, means that I am in danger and not worthy.
16. I must be perfect (in cleanliness, tidiness, order, appearance) to be deserve love and acceptance.
17. I am selfish.
18. I do not have the right to ask others for help.
19. No one can love me.
20. I do not have the right to say “no”.
THE PARENT THE SAVIOR,THE TEACHER,THE RESPONSIBLE
Key 1: I am responsible for the others’ reality.
Key 2: Without me. the others cannot progress, cannot be well.
Key 3: Its my fault if the others are not well.
A. Some possible conducts:
1. He gets worries about others. He becomes stressful about their situations and their problems.
2. He advises them and he tries to control them, he even exerts pressure on them (for “their own good”, or prevents them making a mistake and thus possibly ruining his “results”).
3. He criticizes and rejects others when they make mistakes or when they do not follow his directions or orders.
4. He gives advise even to those who do not ask for it .
5. He cannot feel at peace when others have problems. He thinks he has to solve their problems himself.
6. He gets disappointed when others do not follow his advice.
7. He rejects himself for not being able to “save’ others , or to solve their problems.
8. He attracts to himself people with problems.
9. He finds it difficult to confess or express his weaknesses, his needs, his fears or his problems . He fears that in doing so, others will see his faults and lose respect for him.
10. He finds it difficult to express his feelings.
11. He ignores his own problems and he occupies himself with the problems of others.
B. He may have internal or external conflicts with the roles of the child, the rebel, the bad, the guilty, the suppressed, the victim, and with other people who also play the role of the teacher, the savior or the parent.
C. Some childhood experiences leading to roles such as these are:
1. He experienced someone who played this role in his childhood environment.
2. He was programmed that to be worthy he should:
a. posses a powerful position.
b. advise others.
c. be cleverer than others.
d. save others.
e. not have problems.
f. sacrifice himself for the whole.
3. As a child he experienced pain, injustice, was humiliated because of some weakness, and he decided not to ever experience that role again, so he takes the role of the superior one – the one with no problems.
4. He was programmed to feel responsible for others and for whatever is happening to them. He now continues playing this role as an adult.
5. He felt shame and rejection for one or more of his parents and he thus decided not to become like him/her, but to be superior to them.
6. He experienced abandonment and now he tries to find a way of making himself indispensable to others.
7. He did not experience enough affection, tenderness or love and he is seeking to find these through these roles.
8. He was made to doubt his worth and he is searching through these roles to find it.
9. As a child he had to look after a sick person and he is continuing in the same role.
10. He was told that he would not achieve anything in his life and now he is trying to prove them wrong.
11. He had a teacher or a parent who did not play his role well, and the child decided to play the same role correctly when he grows up.
12. Others were not trustworthy or punctual and he decides to take a power role.
13. He experienced suppression, now using these roles, he feels freer.
Usually from experiences. No 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,11, 12,13,15, 16,17,18,19, 20,21,22, 23, 25,26, 27,29,30,31.
D. Some beliefs which might sustain these roles are:
1. I am responsible for the others’:
g. for whatever is happening to them.
2. If I am not able to create a perfect reality for them, I have failed in my role and I am not worthy.
3. If others are not happy with me, I have therefore failed and I am not worthy.
4. If others do not trust me, I am not worthy.
5. If others do not listen to me, do not obey me, do not follow my advice, then I am incapable in this role, and I am unworthy.
6. If I am no good in my role, I will not be respected , I will be unworthy of their esteem. I will end up alone. I am in danger.
7. If I am not in control of things around me, anything can go wrong. I cannot trust others. If I am not in control, I am in danger.
8. If I show weakness or needs or if I have vices:
a. I will be rejected, I will not be wanted, I am in danger.
b. My weaknesses will be used as a means to hurt me, I am in danger.
9. I am worthy only if I am in the position of authority- i.e. teacher, savior, parent. Only then can I feel safe and secure.
10. If I am needed (as a teacher, a parent, a savior), I will not be abandoned . I will not be alone.
11. Alone, I am in danger.
12. If I am needed, I will be loved and I will receive what I need from others.
13. In this role I can be in control.
THE REBEL THE REVOLUTIONARY,THE NEGATIVE,THE ANTAGONIST.
Key 1. My freedom and justice are in danger.
Key 2: I have to fight for freedom and justice.
Key 3: I need the others.
A. Some possible conducts:
1. Does the opposite of:
a. What he is told.
b. What he thinks others want from him.
c. “Must do”
d. What society asks
e. What is “right” , “good”.
2. He is destructive to himself
a. using various substances; food, alcohol , cigarettes, medicine, sedatives, drugs.
b. by having relationships with negative people who as a result ruin his happiness.
c. by avoiding success by being inconsistent, reacting negatively, being lazy.
d. by fighting against others.
In these ways he rejects his parents’ and society’s concept of happiness and “success”.
Self destruction is also a “weapon” he uses to hurt those who have suppressed him and treated him badly.
3. He fights against those whom he considers “bad – evil” people, or the unfair and abusers, top dogs.
a. Criticizes, accuses, rejects, and wants to change people he thinks represent evil or authority.
b. Behaves aggressively or violently.
c. In every discussion he will find something he doesn’t agree with. Whether the subject is important or not, is irrelevant. (Inwardly he might even agree.)
d. Presses others to believe what he believes. He finds it difficult to experience unity with those who have different beliefs or habits.
4. He does not participate in social functions or in whatever he considers a source of injustice such as:
a. Church, religion, spirituality, philosophy.
c. Socially accepted activities
d. Socially accepted dress
e. Language of the norm.
g. Family activities.
5. In reality, he is not in conflict with others, but with a part of himself that still:
a. Accepts social, religious, political beliefs.
b. Believes he needs to do or have what the society says to be worthy and secure.
c. Is afraid to be alone without the affirmation and protection of those very ideas he rejects.
d. He rejects the part of himself which resembles to others. When he is liberated from these inner conflicts, he will not need to react outwardly any more.
6. He tests the others’ love with a negative behavior.
7. He does not admit being grateful, and pretends not to be .
B. He is in frequent conflict with the roles of the righteous, the good, the savior, the teacher, the parent ,and authority.
C. Some childhood experiences possibly leading to similar roles:
1. Suppression from parents, teachers and others.
2. Injustice, rejection, humiliation, hurt, criticism. Violence towards himself or towards others in his environment.
3. He has lived social injustices e.g. military occupation, dictatorship, racism.
4. He experienced an adult who played these roles (rebel, revolutionary etc.)
5. He was told that he is no good, he is incapable, and that he will achieve nothing in his life.
6. He had an ideal he believes he cannot “reach” and thus he rejects it.
7. His self worth was rejected.
8. He was told that he could not make it alone in life.
9. He had to either agree with others or do what they wanted, in order to receive their love.
10. He experienced abandonment and he interpreted it as an injustice.
11. Sick people in his environment were the cause for his loss of freedom.
12. He/she experienced rape, or was sexually abused.
13. He was frequently told about guilt and the punishment from God.
14. As a child he came in contact with hypocrisy on a large scale.
15. One of the parents was unfaithful to the other.
16. He was a spoilt child and he does not have self confidence, he feels dependent, and he reacts negatively towards dependency.
Usually through experiences No 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18, 19,20,21,22,23,24,25,26,27,28,29,30,31.
D. Some beliefs able to sustain roles such as these.
1. I am in danger from, parents, teachers, authority.
2. I might lose my:
c. my worth.
3. I might be treated unjustly, I might get hurt, or humiliated.
4. I am weak, incapable, vulnerable. I cannot succeed in this society.
a. to be successful
b. to protect my self
c. to become happy.
5. I need others, society, and / or family for my security and my happiness.
6. I need the other’s approval. I am not worthy, I am insecure without their approval and support.
7. I am not clever. I do not have inner knowledge and strength in order to live my life without others.
8. I am in danger when others do not agree with me because:
a. I might not be right.
b. I need them.
c. they might use control over me and I will get hurt
9. If I do not react they might think they are right and I will lose my rights and my strength.
10. If I appear to destroy myself, this will upset them and make them feel guilty.
11. When others agree with me then I am right, then I am worthy and safe.
12. I have to fight for liberty and justice.
13. I am not loved, thus I must protect my self from others.
14. This is a war of control. If I do not fight I will lose my freedom.
15. If I admit that they are right they will use this against me on another occasion.
16. People are hypocrites and are underhanded, I cannot trust them.
17. I will never be able to achieve as much as my parent (other). It is better if I do not participate at all. I should reject the whole success game.
18. I am a girl (woman) and I must protect my rights in a man’s world.
19. I am a victim of racism and I must protect my self.
THE CLEVER,THE WELL INFORMED,THE SUPERIOR,THE EXPERT,THE COUNSELOR.
Key 1: Whoever knows best, is more worthy.
Key 2: I must appear knowledgeable to be accepted, loved or respected.
Key 3: Then I will be accepted, I will be loved and I will be safe and secure.
A. Some possible behaviors:
1. He talks too much stating information with the intention of making his knowledge evident. Sometimes directly and at others indirectly through questions or references indicating his “knowledge”.
2. He enters quite easily in an “competitive discussion” with the intention of showing others how much he knows (whether the subject is important for him or not it’s irrelevant).
3. He easily takes opposition view for the sake of an argument.
4. He usually refers to various books, teachers and other sources.
5. He gives advises or even orders.
6. If you do not follow his advise, he gets upset and he even might attack you.
7. He talks abundantly about irrelevant details.
8. He admires people with a vast knowledge or ” a quick mind” while he rejects others with limited knowledge and a slow mind.
9. He is afraid perhaps there are others in the company who would “appear cleverer” and thus he would lose his position, the others’ respect and thus his self worth.
10. He uses various strategies in order to win battles at home, at work and in this manner he attracts negative emotions from others.
11. He may speak degradingly about others with “less knowledge”
12. He gets bored among a company where he cannot use his brain.
13. He frequently plays the game of “who is right”.
14. He tends to be ironic, sarcastic and sometimes even mock others.
B. He gets into a conflict with others playing the same role. Also with the powerful, the teachers, the saviors, the parents, the perfect.
C. Some childhood experiences leading to these roles:
1. The child received the message that knowledge creates value, superiority, and security.
2. He has been hurt, rejected, demeaned because of lack of knowledge or lack of swiftness in the mind. .
3. He has been hurt or rejected for other reasons (e.g. beauty, physical strength, social characteristics) and he learned to regard his intelligence as his only asset, so he decides that without it he has no value at all.
4. He is ashamed of or rejects one of his parents for his limited mental capacities and he decides not to ever become like that.
5. He experienced a parent or another important person playing this role.
6. He realized that through intelligence and a quick mind he could avoid work or negative situations.
7. By being clever, he or someone else received the admiration or the attention and love of others.
8. He experienced abandonment, and he felt lonely and he decided that he must be very clever in order to survive.
9. He has been compared with others:
a. that he was less worthy.
b. he was more worthy.
10. His parents needed badly (for their own survival or security) their child to get an education.
11. They told the child that he is not clever and that he will never do anything in his life.
Usually from experiences No 1,2,3,4,6,7,8,11,12,13,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23, 26,27,29, 30,31.
D. Some possible beliefs able to sustain these roles.
1. My self worth is measured according to my intelligence.
2. My intelligence is measured by:
a. how it is compared with others.
b. how much information it contains.
c. how swiftly it functions.
d. how correct it is.
e. how much others admire it or show with by their behavior that they respect it.
3. I do not know much. I have no self worth. I will be rejected.
4. I will not be wanted. I will remain alone, and then I am in danger.
5. I must learn a lot, I must cultivate my mind.
6. I must show others that my mind is sharp, so I will be accepted and loved, and then I will be safe and secure.
7. If there is another person more knowledgeable than me, he would be loved more. I must show them, that I know more than him. I must belittle him and aggrandize my self.
8. If I have more knowledge than others I can:
a. control them, use them and rule them.
b. reject them.
c. make them need me, and then I will be worthy and secure.
9. I will not be able to be clever enough compared with others. I will reject the whole game. (Then he abandons this role and plays other ones e.g. the rebel, the lazy one, the revolutionary, the incapable, the sick etc.)
10. I must never accept that the other is right because in this way I will lose my self worth.
11. Life is difficult and I am alone, I must be clever in order to survive.
12. Only the intelligent receive love, attention and the tenderness they need.
13. I owe it my parents to gain an education, and to become well known for my education and knowledge .
14. I must show them how much I am worth.
15. I am responsible for others and for my self, so I must be clever.
16. If I am clever, I can protect my self from exploitation and cruelty from others.
17. I do not want to be like my parent.
THE INDIFFERENT, THE IRRESPONSIBLE, THE LIBERATED , THE SNOTTY, THE SENSELESS,THE EVASIVE ONE
Key 1. Whoever has responsibilities or does not meet with his obligations to wards them is in danger.
Key 2. I will either suffer or fail if I accept responsibilities.
A. Some possible conducts:
1. Avoids responsibilities as much as possible, (not due to laziness, but because he doubts his capacities for success).
2. Seems indifferent, insensitive towards matters quite important to others.
3. He lets others solve his problems.
4. He feels oppression and injustice easily.
5. Allows matters to linger until the last minute.
6. He walks out from relationships, jobs and responsibilities when he feels overly pressured.
7. He may criticize or mock people who “take things seriously”
8. He takes on responsibilities or gives promises, but he is conscientious in executing them.
9. Says “yes, you are right, I will change, I will become more responsible” but does nothing about it.
10. He complains that he is being suppressed, and is not allowed creative freedom.
11. He criticizes the system in general.
12. He rejects himself on account of his mistakes, in order to hear the opposite, -that it does not matter, that it’s O.K.
13. He may not speak much. He may not express himself much.
B. He gets into a conflict with the roles of the teacher, the righteous, the responsible, the savior, the clever, the parent, the powerful, and the efficient.
C. Some childhood experiences leading to such roles;
1. He experienced rejection, humiliation, hurt, fear and thus, decided not to have anything to do with the outer world.
2. He had very negative experiences concerning situations of responsibility (e.g. responsibilities towards siblings.)
3. Experienced failure in some of his efforts.
4. He was told he is incapable and he will never do anything in his life.
5. He was compared to others and:
a. he was told he was inferior (he will never make it)
b. he was told he was superior (and he must always be the best-top -in order to be worthy.)
6. Realized that he had to be very effective, in order to be respected and loved, that he is not worthy if he is not efficient and effective.
7. He had the experience of an ideal person in this role.
8. He had the experience of an ideal person playing the role of the strong, the capable, the successful, the perfect , and out of reaction the child abandons and rejects the effort. “I will not be able to make it.”
9. He experienced abandonment and he decided that he is incapable, so others should take care of him.
10. He did not receive much attention, tenderness and love and so using this role now, others will take care of him.
11. A parent failed somehow.
12. He was a spoilt child and he never learned to do anything for himself and for others.
C. Usually through experiences: No 1,2,3,4,6,7,8,12,13,15,16,17,18, 19,20,21, 22,23,25,26,27,28,29,30,31.
D. Some beliefs able to sustain roles such as these:
1. I am worthy as long as I achieve a lot of things, as long as I am capable.
2. Having a lot of responsibilities and being able to successfully deal with them, gives one self worth.
3. But I am not worthy because I can’t, because.
a. life is difficult.
b. I am not clever, able, or strong enough.
c. I might fail.
4. If I try and fail, I will be rejected and I will be alone and then I am in danger.
5. It is better if I do not try to play, I am not interested, so I reject this game.
6. If I accept responsibilities, I will exhaust myself and I will suffer. If I do nothing, others will take over.
7. Others are more competent than I am.
8. I reject their neurotic and stressful life .
9. It’s better not to play at all, than to play and lose.
10. If I activate myself,f they will think that I don’t need them, they will not pay any attention to me any more.
11. Responsibility carries with it criticism from others.
12. Since God punishes our mistakes, I will do nothing so I shall not make a mistake.
13. I do not want to fail like my parent.
14. I am a spoilt child, I must be taken care of.
THE GENERAL,THE DICTATOR,THE AGGRESSIVE, THE AGGRESSOR
Key 1. My worth and my security are in danger.
Key 2. I must protect my self and others from the battle of life.
Key 3. Strength is the solution for everything.
A. Some possible behaviors:
1. Shout, accuses, rejects, demeans others when :
a. they make a mistake.
b. they do not function according to his concepts, instructions or orders.
2. He finds it difficult to be democratic in his relationships with others.
3. He is always right and others are wrong.
4. Cultivates fear in order to gain obedience and the cooperation from others.
5. He usually has double standards: for himself and for others.
6. He is usually very sensitive and vulnerable, behind all this toughness.
7. He considers himself superior and he expects others to serve him.
8. He attacks before anyone has the chance to do the same.
B. He has conflicts more frequently, both inwardly or/and outwardly with the roles of the child, the guilty, the victim, the fearful, the incapable, the teacher, the parent and with others playing the same roles as he.
C. Some childhood experiences leading to this roles:
1. He experienced someone playing these roles.
2. He himself was a victim of these roles as a child.
3. He experienced injustice and he decided that life is difficult and that he has to protect himself aggressively.
4. He experienced a lot of anger as a child, and this anger is now surging out towards the people closest to him.
5. He was a spoilt child, and now he feels that everyone should serve him.
6. He was ashamed of one of his parents for being ” weak” and for being used, and he has decided that he is going to be tough.
7. He was programmed that God punishes. He might also believe that he is the “hand of God” keeping order in the world.
8. He experienced humiliation, so he considers this role the only security he possesses, so that nothing like this ever happens again.
9. He doubts his self worth and his mental capacities and he conceals all these with this role, in order to regain his worth.
10. He heard that men are like this.
11. As a woman she might decide that this is the only way to protect herself.
12. He was made to feel bad, sinful, unjust, so he accepts this role, it fits him.
13. He learned that he is responsible for others and he found this role effective in order to be obeyed .
Usually from experiences: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,12,13,14,15,16, 17,18,19,22,23, 24,25, 26,27,28,29,30,31.
D. Some beliefs able to sustain roles such as these.
1. I am not worthy, I am in danger, my security is in danger.
2. Life and people in general ad dangerous, difficult and I will be hurt.
3. I must be tough and aggressive in order to be:
c. keep them at a distance, so I will not get hurt.
4. I do not want to be “stepped on” like my father (my mother).
5. I am alone in this life. No one cares about me. If I do not take care of myself, nobody will do so.
6. I am the only one who is right. They must listen to me and obey me.
7. No one loves me. I was not given the love and affection I needed. Others must pay for this.
8. Only the powerful, the leader is worthy.
9. I must keep them at a distance so as not to get hurt.
10. Since they consider me to be a bad and unfair person anyway, let it be thus.
11. I am responsible for others. If I do not give orders using a little fear, there’s going to be problems. I will not be in a position to be in control.
THE PARTNER, THE SPOUSE.
Key 1: My self worth depends on how good a partner I am.
Key 2: I must be a good partner in order to be worthy and safe.
A. Some possible behaviors:
1. He tries to receive affirmation concerning his self worth and his security through the other in various ways:
a. by receiving tenderness, caressing, affection, embrace, and sex.
b. receiving positive words of affirmation.
c. being together.
d. having exclusivity (the other loves and wants only me)
2. He gets upset and becomes negative when he does not receive the above affirmations.
3. He gets upset when his partner:
a. is not well, happy, successful.
b. is not happy with him.
c. shows a interest – love to others.
d. shows interest in other activities where he cannot or does not want to participate.
e. does not agree with him on various matters.
4. Has conflicts with his partner concerning needs and values.
5. Loves and gives special support and affection to the partner.
6. He becomes devoted and gives a lot of energy and time in order to make his partner happy.
7. He does not find any other reason for life except this role, he is in constant fear of losing his partner (and thus lose the only source of security, self esteem and reason for existence.)
8. He might be bored of the role and wish for freedom:
a. He does not participate fully.
b. He is away a lot, and when he is there, the connection is not substantial.
c. He might create parallel relationships.
9. He may play anyone of the other roles in relation to his partner e.g. the child, the parent, the dictator, the savior, the rebel, the perfect one, the powerful, the weak, the incapable, the sick, the fearful ,the indifferent, the irresponsible, etc.
10. Competes with his partner in relation to who is more right, intelligent, good, powerful, abused, successful, effective, spiritual, etc.
11. Competes for the acceptance, love, and admiration of the children.
B. He would have various conflicts with his partner, in respect to other roles he plays in the relationship. This role might clash with other roles he needs to play as a parent, a businessman, a child (of his parents).
1. All childhood experiences construct this role, they can however be divided into specific categories:
a. All impressions about close relationships he gained from his parents or others.
b. All the messages he received (from actions or situations)
1. about marriage.
2. about men.
3. about women.
c. All the messages he received about himself.
d. All the messages he received about life.
e. All the messages about when one is worthy and when one is safe and secure.
2. He will react in various ways towards these messages and experiences.
a. Being programmed subconsciously and he would function in a manner similar to that of his parents.
b. It is possible (at least in his first relationships – if he has more than one) to attract a partner who would treat him:
1. In the same way he was treated by one or both his parents.
2. In the same way one parent treated the other. e.g. replay scenes he experienced as a child receiving and experiencing, to a great extend similar treatment as before. In many cases, he himself will play the role of the parent towards the other partner (or the children) in the same manner he himself experienced it from his parents.
c. He will react (rejecting the conduct of one of the parents) and he will try not to “repeat ” the same mistakes. (But as long as the rejection exists, he will possibly not be able to liberate himself from this behavior mechanism he rejects.)
D. Some beliefs able to sustain roles such as these:
1. I am a woman (man) (and not an eternal soul without gender)
2. My self worth depends upon my partner.
a. Whether I have a partner.
b. Whether he/she loves and takes care only of me.
c. Whether she/he gives me what I need.
d. Whether she/he is happy with me.
e. Whether she/he is healthy, happy, successful.
f. Whether others accept and approve of her/him.
3. My security depends upon my partner:
a. Whether he/she loves me exclusively.
b. Whether he/she is strong, stable, and successful.
c. Whether she/he is honest, calm
d. whether… other …..
4. A person alone by himself cannot be safe and secure.
5. A person alone is not socially acceptable.
MAN / WOMAN
Key 1. I am a man / woman..
Key 2. My self worth is dependent on how affirmed I am in this role.
A. Some possible behaviors:
1. Tries to prove his/her worth.:
a. by appearing powerful, indifferent, tough, with no weaknesses.
b. by appearing good, right, perfect.
c. by professional and financial success.
d. by knowledge and mental clarity.
e. by being able to express emotions and needs.
f. by being sexually attractive to / successful with the opposite sex.
g. by having a strong or attractive body
h. by being aggressive and having a loud voice.
i. by doing a lot of things, being engaged in many activities.
j. by appearing spiritual and pure.
k. by not accepting arguments, acting as a dictator.
2. Tries to win the others attention (and thus security and self worth)
a. through illness.
b. through weakness, fear or emotional problems.
c. through sexuality.
d. through conflict and aggressiveness.
e. flirting with others.
3. Plays competitive games with people of the same or the opposite sex, as to who is more intelligent, right, good, strong, victim, successful, quick, effective, spiritual e.t.c.
4. He rejects the parent of the same sex and so he rejects his own sex. Sometime this can lead to homosexuality.
5. Rejects the parent of the opposite sex and thus he has a continuous lack of trust and often is antagonistic to, or rejects the opposite sex and also his/her partner.
C. Some experiences indicating how one would play the role of the man or the woman.
1. All the messages he received through words and behaviors in relation to :
a. when a man is worthy and respected.
b. when a woman worthy and respected.
c. how must a man be.
d. how must a woman be.
e. what is the relationship between them.
2. From which one of the parents he received more love and acceptance.
3. Whether he experienced abandonment by one of the parents.
4. The behavior of one parent towards the other.
5. How he saw his parents behave towards others and how others towards them.
D. Beliefs sustaining the existence of these roles:
1. I am a woman (man).
2. I am safe and secure and I am worthy only through this role.
3. I must have a partner to be worthy and to be safe.
4. A close relationship is the goal of life and the basic meaning of life.
5. Close relationships are difficult and I will possibly get hurt because;
a. the other cannot love me as I am.
b. the other will hurt me.
c. the other will abandon me.
6. I cannot let go in a close relationship because I will get hurt.
7. I am worthy when:
a. my partner loves me exclusively.
b. the opposite sex wants me and admires me.
c. when I am better than others.
d. I am wanted sexually.
8. Women should sacrifice themselves for their husband (to obey him).
9. Men must be more capable, and intelligent than their wives.