AN INTERVIEW WITH ROBERT ELIAS NAJEMY

AN INTERVIEW WITH ROBERT ELIAS NAJEMY

Posted on by Holistic Harmony

AN INTERVIEW WITH ROBERT ELIAS NAJEMY

By Giota Dimitriou

for the site http://www.skalatimes.com


Mr. Najemy, Your Father was the Dean of Students at the American University of Beirut and you were born in America and moved to Beirut when you were 12 years old. Then you became a Chemical Engineer. In spite of your scientific academic background, you decided to dedicate your life to a spiritual search. How did that happen? 

First of all, thank you for the opportunity to express my perceptions and convictions about life and share with others what has helped me. The question here is, «Why did I change life styles?»

After graduating with a degree in Chemical Engineering I worked for Uniroyal Chemical Company for two years. They we very good to me and the work was well paid and I had everything I was supposed to need in order to he happy and fulfilled, such as money, an apartment, a car, a woman in my life and anything else I needed. The company was satisfied with my performance and I was well accepted in my position. This was in 1970 and 1971.

There was only one problem. I was very unhappy. None of this seemed to supply me with meaning or fulfillment. At that time, I did not believe in God or in an afterlife or in the concept of evolution. I believed that life would simply end when we died and that there was nothing more than what I already had; And that I had what I supposedly needed to be happy. Thus, I saw no reason to continue living. I thought, «If this is all that life has to offer me and that in 80 years this will also end, then I am not interested, and I might as well end my life now.

On the same day, that I had this thought, I was guided somehow subconsciously to a bookstore and as if in trance, picked up a book about which I knew nothing – not the subject and not the author. It was the book «Doors of Perception» by Alan Watts. Suddenly I realized that there is a whole other aspect of life that I had not investigated at all (as a scientist) – a world of energy and consciousness. I had focused until now only on matter.

I read this rather small book that evening. And shortly after finishing, while lying in my bed, I had this thought, «My life belongs to me, and no one else.» It was as if a light was turned on. I realized that if I was unhappy with my life as is was, that I was not obliged to my engineering degree or to my parents or to society to remain in that. I was free to be who I wanted to be and live a life that truly gave me meaning.

The next day, I gave notice that I would be leaving in a month. They asked whether I wanted a raise or to work in another department. I cordially with gratitude declined. They asked what I was going to do. I answered, «I am going to search for a meaning in life and whether there is a reason for me to live.»

I left and began my search in all possible directions for the meaning in life. Eventually I found four reasons.

Evolution – the idea that I could better myself, become more able, more loving, kinder, healthier happier. It was an interesting challenge, that I could in some way control my life and become a better person.

Creativity – I explored a wide variety of creative forms of expression – all of which gave me pleasure and fulfillment.

Service – I discovered the joy of serving others and in some way contributing to their well being and happiness.

Relationships – I began to perceive relationships as growing opportunities in which I am challenged to be honest, understanding, forgiving, loving and to communicate clearly.

All of these purposes gave meaning to my life and still do.


As a child did you have any indications that when you grew up, you would become involved in spiritual life? 

I do not remember very specific things except for my fascination with nature which led me to spend many hours alone as a young child sitting silently observing nature and learning from it. My mother told me that I used to play the role of the priest at times (perhaps from a previous life) and that once a stranger on the street stopped her when we were walking together and told her that, «that child would one day help many people». I do remember those events.


How did you end up in Greece?
 

I had started a yoga retreat center in Lebanon in 1975 and then the war broke out and the Syrians came and took over our retreat center. With all of the bombing and fighting, it became impossible for people to come and be helped by our activities. Then my father was assassinated and situation worsened. My brother had already moved to Athens from Beirut in order to continue his business from here. I decided to stop by and see him on my way back to America. I ended up staying permanently from 1976 until today – that is 36 years. Those at least are the external factors that led me to be in Greece. I am sure that it was a soul decision made before my birth.


You have written 30 books and have given many hundreds of lectures with around 600 of those on CD and DVD. How easy is it to guide people on the spiritual path during this time which full of difficulties such as the economic crisis? 

There is an even greater need today for such work. I could easily leave Greece and go to America, where my family is. However, I feel that would be like deserting the people I love at the time they most needed to be reminded of these basic spiritual truths. This «crisis» is an even greater opportunity to apply these truths in our daily lives. They are really the only solution to the feelings of  fear, betrayal, injustice, resentment and anger that burden so many.

It is an opportunity to take responsibility for our lives and cease blaming others, but also to take greater creative control of our lives and become more united in our efforts to create our ideal society with equality and abundance for all. It is an opportunity to discover that happiness is within and  that we can be fully happy with very little, but also that we are very powerful spiritual beings who can attract and create from the universe whatever we need (especially once we have overcome our attachments to having and fear of not having).

It is an opportunity to discover the abundance of methods such as meditation, prayer, methods of healing and energy psychology such as EFT, TAT, BSFF, Sedona Method and Ho’oponopono that allow us to transcend unpleasant emotions and connect with out spiritual center and enjoy the peace, love and happiness that are always within us no matter what might be happening externally.

We need to realize that according to Quantum Physics there is really no objective external reality. We as observers are directly affecting whatever we observe through or conscious and subconscious beliefs. Our families, our society and our leaders and all of their behaviors are in fact extensions and reflections of our personal and collective inner worlds. Our leaders will never change their behavior until we change our personal and collective psycho-synthesis.

It is a time of great change and we need to let go of fear, anger and hate and unite into groups with common ideals and create a new realty for us all. We need to support each other and help those in need. We need to learn to care for others as much as we are for ourselves.

For this reason we have created two books on how we can deal with difficult times. The titles of the books are:

TWENTY-FIVE WAYS TO MANIFEST OUR IDEAL LIFE

DEALING WITH TESTING TIMES.  

Also our website https://www.armonikizoi.com/ has an abundance of helpful formation about dealing with this «crisis-opportunity.»


What is the first step for someone to take on the path of spiritual search? 

Everyone starts from somewhere else. Some start because they want to heal an illness. Others because they want to lose weight. Some to overcome fears. Others to reduce anxiety. Some will seek help to heal relationships or overcome childhood traumas. Some begin in order to become more successful. Still others come to heal the pain of loss or rejection after a divorce or departure of a loved one from the physical body. Others may begin in order to learn how to manifest goals and create abundance.

A few begin in search for spiritual growth, a deeper meaning in life or the ultimate truth of their divine being. Eventually many of those who began this path with the earlier-mentioned more superficial motives, end up eventually desiring spiritual evolution and alignment with their true divine self.

The first step in all these cases is to realize we and no one else can be responsible for or create our happiness, peace, health or ideal life. The is the first step to spiritual growth – to take responsibility for our lives and forgive all others and cease blaming others or depending on them. In accepting responsibility for the creating our reality we are also realizing that our inner self is the only real teacher we can follow. We can read books and listen to others and learn from them, but in the end, we can only follow our own inner guidance.

Another basic step is the choice to be truthful to ourselves and others in all cases.

An equally important step is the decision to love everyone including ourselves without conditions. I am not saying we are able to do so until we are enlightened, but that have at least decided that we want to be able to do so and try to when we remember this decision.

Everyone seeks happiness. What do they need to know in order to find happiness?

Happiness in an inner state which actually has little to do with what we have or what is happening in our lives. Happiness is having what we believe we need in order to be happy. Depending on our childhood programming and character which we bring with us into this life, we believe we must have some specific persons, objects comforts or situations Each believes he needs something different to be happy.

There are thus two solutions for happiness. One is to need less and thus to be able to be happy in a greater variety of situations. The more attachments and prerequisites we have in order to be happy, the less likely we will be; as will can seldom control the people and events in our world so that they are exactly as we need them to be.

The second solution is to learn how to more effectively manifest or create the reality we desire in order to be happy. There are methods that enable us to do so.

Happiness is difficult as long as we are controlled by fears and attachments. In Armoniki Zoi we learn both, how to be happy without an how to create what we need. They are both necessary in life. Our self-knowledge seminar is a very good solution for that.


Is it possible for an Atheist to be spiritual? 

Yes, it is possible. We need to distinguish between spirituality and religion. Spirituality has to do with inner states and behavior, not with dogma or beliefs – especially programmed or unexamined beliefs. Persons can behave with respect, love, kindness and equality even without believing in God. On the other hand, a belief in a divine being, if correctly understood and freed from social misconception, can help us to be spiritual beings. In some case, when wrongly perceived and used as a vehicle for promoting a spiritual ego, it can be an obstacle.

I wonder, however,  if in fact there are any real atheists or whether those who declare so are simply reacting towards an old outdated perception of God as a austere being separate from ourselves who rejects, gets angry and punishes those who do not obey him, and likes to make people suffer for incomprehensible reasons.

For me God  is not a separate individual being but a divine omnipresent conscious present in and around all beings. God is not a form. The divine is simultaneous formless and yet all forms are expressions of it. We are all equally expressions of that one divine consciousness. We are the divine itself in a process of rediscovering our divinity and expressing it here on the physical realm.


What is your opinion concerning the much talked about 2012? 

This a special time which offers us increased energy and opportunities for growth and freedom from fear and external attachments. It is a time in which the changing magnetic field of the earth is bringing up our collective subconscious and allowing us to see ourselves more clearly and make decisions about what we really believe and what we really want. It is an opportunity to reevaluate our value systems as to what is truly important; security or growth, money or meaning, people or things, taking or giving, loving or protecting our ego from it fears, caring for a few or caring for many. We have collectively chosen during this time to create an opportunity to manifest our true selves and our true purpose.

We have, however, free will and we can use these wonderful opportunities for growth and evolution or we have the freedom to react negatively with fear, resentment, selfishness, anger and hate.


You are the founder of the spiritual center Armoniki Zoi in Athens, Greece. What can people find there?  

This the subject for many pages of explanation. I would suggest that the reader visit our web site where he or she can view, listen and download for free hundreds of articles, ebooks, lectures and relaxation techniques. We deal with all aspects of human harmony from healthy eating, physical exercises, breathing techniques, relaxation techniques, inner exercises and visualization, energy psychology, EFT, TAT, BSFF, Sedona method, Ho’oponopono, manifesting goals and  improving communication and relationships as well as psychological and philosophical teachings to prayer, meditation and the transcendence of the ego.

We have centers in Halandri, Failro, Markopoulo (our retreat center, where people can come a stay), Thessaloniki, Patra, Xios, Volos, Xania, Lemmesol and Nikosia.

Better to check out our site at  https://www.armonikizoi.com/


In Athens today which is beaten by this economic crisis, how easy is it for people to come to your center Armoniki Zoi? 

 If you mean from the economic point of view, there is no problem. For the last 36 years we have survived with a system which we call the Suggested Optional Offering, which means that person is free to offer what he or she can or not. Money has never been a prerequisite for following our classes. We suggest and hope (so that we can continue our work  that people will act responsibly and loving donate the amount we suggest. But those who cannot are free to come and enjoy the same service and benefits. Also none of us get paid for our work. Not I, nor the teachers or group facilitators. Our center is based on selfless service.

If you mean that it is difficult for people to come because they are lost in their emotions and fears, this might affect those who are unfamiliar with what we do, as they might not have their minds open to something new. Those, however, who know us or discover us through friends or over the Internet or the 30 books which are in the book stores, come seeking peace of mind in an alternative perception of what is happening and how they can deal with it.

What is your opinion about the concept of reincarnation?

I believe that the concept of reincarnation (Μετενσάρκωση) is not necessary for one to live a happy or spiritual life or be a good person. It does, however, explain many phenomena which are difficult to understand otherwise. Without this concept we cannot explain why unpleasant events happen to some and pleasant to others. We do not see the cause of those events in their actions in this present life. With this concept we can explain why some people fear situations they have never been in, or why some siblings (or even identical twins) with basically same DNA and childhood environment develop different characters. It can explain childhood genius in music, math, science and languages. It can explain why we have inherent positive and negative feeling towards persons we have just met.

Most of all, it allows us to believe that we live in a just world, where what is happening to us or others might have some cause in our own past choices and actions and not some chance event or dictated by a whimsical or incomprehensible God. That, however, does not mean that we do not need to correct and heal what is happening and create a better life for ourselves, our families and others. It simply means that we are not the victims of people and forces outside ourselves.

One of the main causes of the events and experiences in our lives is our past actions, words, beliefs and choices and many of them might be in a past life. Other factors that create our reality are our soul choices and the law of reflection or attraction which brings to us a reality which is a projection to our conscious and subconscious beliefs and emotions.

From another point of view, as spirits we do not exist in time and space and thus,  us as spirits, we have no past or future lives; they are occurring simultaneously – perhaps in other dimensions or alternative worlds. But all of this is difficult to comprehend.

How easy is it for us to get free from our Karma?

It is important to understand that this law of cause and effect is accepted by all religions including Christianity. «As you sow, so shall you reap.» «You will be judged with severity with which you judge.» «Get up and walk, your sins are forgiven.»

Karma is a much misunderstood concept in today’s society. Many perceive this simple law of cause and affect as a form of punishment or that if we suffer enough, we will balance some accounts and we will not longer be burdened with some cosmic debt.

I do not perceive karma in this way. I see it only as an evolutionary mechanism where we have the opportunity to learn and evolve by experiencing how our actions affect the people around us by becoming the recipients of those same acts that we have done in the past. Thus, if my karma is to be in a relationship with a negative person, or have an illness or an economic difficulty, I gain nothing by suffering for a number of years. My suffering adds nothing to my evolution nor to humanity. The only reason I have that situation is to learn through it.

We need to learn two things in relationship to any karmic limitation. One is how to be happy with the situation as it is. The second is to how to change and improve it. Suffering solves nothing. Learning does. Thus each karmic situation is a blessing from the universe, (not a punishment) and an opportunity to discover our true divine nature. We, of course, have free will and can chose to remain in fear, resentment, hurt, guilt, anger and hate.

Jesus Christ has given us the Mystery of Holy Communion in which through confession, repentance and Holy Communion, theoretically and theologically our «sins» (mistakes, karma) is absolved and do not exist and thus their effect on our lives cease to be active. This is actually the dissolution of karma, not because, as you say, we have escaped (ξεφύγουμε) from it but because through self observation, confession, and a desire to become pure and one again with the Divine, we have rendered this karma as unnecessary any more. We have used the karmic situation to learn the lesson for which is was created.

On a higher level still, as spirits we are one with the divine and beyond of time and space and have no karma. We experience karma only as long as we are identified with the body and mind. In reality our true eternal nature is perfectly divine and one with God.

I explain much about this and the previous question in detail in my books:

THE MYSTICAL CIRCLE OF LIFE.

THE ROLES WE PLAY AS SOULS IN EVOLUTION

OUR IMPERSONAL LIFE

In one of your books, you say that love is the solution for all problems. How easy is it for us to love others when there is a «hell» around us? When people are dying of hunger and there is so much injustice and pain?

I agree that this is not easy. But this is our goal and purpose. We need great faith in basic spiritual truths in order to choose love. This the subject of my book, «Love is the Choice» (Η Αγάπη είναι Επιλογή) We always have the choice of loving. All we need to do is to feel safe enough and perceive the divine in ourselves, others and the events and situations in our lives.

When we realize that others are all divine spiritual beings who we have attracted through karma, soul choices and our beliefs and emotions to play the specific roles that they play, we will be able to forgive them for those roles and use those situations to learn and choose love.

When we understand that we and no one else are the sole creators of our reality and that no one can do anything to us that we ourselves have not created through our past and  present beliefs, emotions, words, behaviors, actions, and choices, we will forgive and love them.

When we realize that our self-worth, security, freedom and happiness are within us and that we do not need to protect them from anyone, we will be able to love. The opposite of love is fear. When we have no fear, we can love. When we need nothing, we will not fear; as Nikos Kazanzakis said, «I have no fear, I have  no hope, I am free.» We can interpret hope here as an attachment to something specific happening.

The more attached or dependent I am, the more fearful and the less I am able to love.

It is possible to grow spiritually and love in all situations. It is important to realize that this is our challenge and destiny. Our true self already loves all of those who our minds have difficulty loving. Connecting to the choice for understanding, forgiveness and love is a connection with our true divine self. We are love. When we are not loving, we are lost in our fearful ego.


Do you believe that there is an unwritten law of justice in this world?


Yes I do. I believe that behind the phenomena of injustice that we see everywhere there is a hidden justice which has to do with our past actions, our present beliefs and emotions and also the lessons we have chosen to learn through these «injustices». I believe that the universe is an expression of a divine, loving and just consciousness and nothing unjust can happen.

There are unjust actions, meaning unethical actions which we perform out of fear anger, greed, jealousy etc. These actions are unjust, and create for us a karmic learning opportunity. But the recipients of those unjust actions are not victims, because nothing can happen to us that is not our own creation through karma, soul choices and the law of reflection or attraction.


What is the power of prayer?   

The power of prayer is the ability of the mind to connect to the power of spirit. Through prayer we communicate with spiritual source within and around us. We learn to direct that spiritual energy through our faith that we deserve spiritual intervention so as to manifest changes in ourselves and the world around us.

The highest form of prayer is one of gratitude for all that we have and a surrendering to the divine asking only that whatever is not beneficial to the highest good for all be removed from us and that whatever is beneficial for all be added to us. We need not ask for material things.  Christ’s promise is that if we live according to the will of God (ethically and according to our life purpose for which we have incarnated) all will be given to us as it is to the birds and flowers.


The ego is different from the soul. How can we determine if a need is coming from the ego or from us as souls?

  This is the subject of one of my recent books, THE ROLE WE PLAY AS SOULS IN EVOLUTION. We do not have souls. We are souls who have temporary bodies and egos. Our ego needs are often different from and sometimes in conflict with our needs as souls. In general, our egos want to find external sources of self-worth, security, freedom, happiness and meaning. As souls we want to be free from every attachment to external forms, as they prevent us from experiencing our free spiritual nature.

On the other hand, we often need to satisfy an ego need in order to experientially become aware of the fact that our happiness does not lie in that external source. Thus we chase after and obtain a series of external sources of «happiness» until we realize that happiness, self-worth, security and meaning are within us and that we can cease this waste of time and energy.

However, it was not a waste of time and energy while we were engaged in this process, because it lead us to the realization that happiness is within.

The solution is to «upgrade» our attachments to preferences, so that we know what we want and seek to create it, without the illusion that our self-worth or security will be more because we have it or less if we do not. We learn to act without attachment to the result.

The serenity prayer helps here. «God give me the power to change what I can, the peace to accept what I cannot, and the wisdom to determine which is which.»

I would suggest that we all ask daily for guidance and then follow what we feel and also pay attention to the signs we get in our dreams, upon waking, in our communication with others or books that we read. When we ask for guidance, the universe responds. Then just do what feels right and then if we see that this is not creating happiness, learn from that and try something else.

Einstein has said, «It is crazy to do the same things and expect different results.» Thus if we are not finding happiness in the way we are approaching reality, then perhaps it is time for a change. Ask for guidance. We have some guided inner exercises for that in mp3 form on our site.


Mr. Najemy, have you ever come to Cyprus? Are you interested in coming to Cyprus for seminars?   

Actually, I have been coming to Cyprus twice a year now for about 20 years. In the Spring I offer a seminar in Lemmesol and in the Autumn in Nicosia. This year I will be offering a seminar in Lemmesol on Friday, Saturday and Sunday May 4, 5 and 6th. One can find our details on our site.


I would like close with a few words for our readers about how to deal with these difficult times. 

 
 I would suggest first of all the books I mentioned above which have many practical, psychological and spiritual suggestions for this purpose.

We need faith in some basic concepts.

  1. Nothing will happen that is not an expression of love from the universe for our highest good – regardless as to whether our ego perceives it that way or not. This same truth must be applied to our loved ones for whom perhaps we fear.
  1. We and our loved ones have the inner physical, psychological and spiritual strength to deal with any possible situation and use it as a growth process. We have the ability to accept and be happy with any possible situation, but also the ability and power to change events and situations. There is no human experience that we cannot deal with.
  1. We and our loved ones are all immortal divine beings and we can never die or actually be in danger. What we call death is simply the soul leaving the temporary body. Thus we are never actually in danger.
  1. We can be happy with very little. Only our programmings create the illusion that we need much to be happy.
  1. We have unlimited creative energy and can resourcefully create the reality we desire.
  1. Love and unity are the greatest sources of security and happiness in our lives.
  1. We all deserve love and respect exactly as we are.

I would suggest the books for this subject on our site at https://www.armonikizoi.com/

I wish for you all to be well and happy.

Love,

Robert Elias Najemy

Welcome to Holistic Harmony

 

Self Knowledge Questionnaires

Self Knowledge Questionnaires

Posted on by Holistic Harmony

SELF KNOWLEDGE EXERCISES

There are a variety of techniques that we can use in order to become more aware of both our personality and our greater spiritual Self. Only a few of these can be shared in written format as they require personal guidance from an experienced teacher. All of the information presented here in this web site has the purpose of increasing your self-knowledge on all levels, especially the Self Clarification Process.
Self-Knowledge Questionnaires for the purpose of understanding your personality and its functioning more deeply.
Answering the questions presented in the following questionnaires will deepen your understanding of your self.

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UNFORTUNATELY WHEN WE MOVED SITES, THESE FILES WERE NOT UPLOADED PROPERLY CAN CANNOT BE ACCESSED FREELY AS LINKS. BUT YOU CAN GET ALL 203 PAGES OF THEM FOR ONLY $7 AT THE LINK BELOW.

https://www.armonikizoi.com/store/products/life-coach-7-working-with-emotions

You will receive Eighty (80) Articles, notes and questionnaires for greater self-knowledge, understanding emotions, freeing ourselves from negative emotional patterns as well as working with the inner child, inner conflicts, forgiveness of others and self and discovering life purpose.

Some of the subjects covered are the following:

K_01 Something HappyAnalyze something which makes you happy.

K_02 Something Which Bothers Analyze Something Which Bothers You. Understand The Feelings And The Beliefs.

K_03 Why Love Self – Discover As Many Reasons As Possible To Love, Respect And Accept Your Self

K_04 Why Love Other Discover As Many Reasons As Possible To Love, Respect And Accept Someone

K_05 Active Listening Questions – Analyze The Mechanism Through Which Your Emotions Are Created

K_06 Obstacles To Love Others Discover Your Obstacles Towards Loving Others

K_07 Analysis Loving Selves Discover Your Obstacles Towards Loving Your Self

K_08 Understand Anxiety & Worry – Discover Why You Feel Anxiety, And Worry

K_09 Understand Hurt & Pain Understand The Mechanism Of Pain And Suffering

K_10 Understand Disappointment – Realize How You Create Disappointment

K_11 Understand Depression – Understand The Mechanism Of Depression

K_12 Understanding Jealousy – Analyze Why You Feel Jealousy Or Envy

K_13 Understand Loneliness – Discover How We Create Loneliness

K_14 Understand Self Doubt – Uncover The Roots Of Self-Doubt

K_15 Understand Anger – Realize How You Create Anger

K_16 Understand Blaming – Discover Why You Tend To Criticize And Blame

K_17 Analyzing Our Conscience – Discover Where You Conscience Is Bothering, And Why You Continue With Behaviors Which Are Not In Harmony With Your Conscience

K_19 Locate Emotions – Discover Where Your Emotions Store Themselves In Your Body

K_20 Relationship Questions – A List Of Questions For Couples To Answer, So As To Get To Know Each Other More Deeply

K_21 Life’s Lessons – Discover What You Have Learn From The Others’ Behavior Which Bother You

K_22 Inner Guidance – Investigate Possible Parts Of Your Self Which Do Not Want To Get Well, Or Make Changes For The Better.

K_23 Obstacle To Getting Well – Investigate Possible Parts Of Your Self Which Do Not Want To Get Well, Or Make Changes For The Better

K_24 My Relationship With God – Research Your Relationship With The Divine. How Do You Relate To God And Universe

K_25 Obstacles To Fulfillment – Discover Possible Obstacles Towards Fulfilling Your Life Goals

K_26 Obstacles To Growth – Understand Those Inner Obstacles To Your Spiritual Growth Process

K_27 Three Love Letters – Write A Love Letter To Someone You Love, Someone You Have Difficulty With And Your Own Self

K_28 Shadow + Mask – Analyze What You Hide In Your Shadow (Subconscious) And Place In Your Mask (How You Want To Appear) And Whether Or Not You Want To Make Any Changes

K_29 Freeing Selves From Mirror- Discover What You Might Be Doing Which Might Be Attracting From Others Behaviors Which Bother You

K_30 Sorting Feelings – Distinguish Between Your Feelings And How They Store In Your Body

K_31 Understanding Emotions – Analyze The Emotions You Do And Do Not Feel Comfortable With.

K_32 12 Steps Towards Conscious Love A Detailed Questionnaire Concerning How We Relate To Love Partners

K_33 Bioenergy Level – Discover How What You Do Affects Your Energy Level

K_34 Categories Of Beliefs – Put Order To Your Various Beliefs

K_35 Dream Analysis – Make Your Own Personal Interpretation Of Your Dreams

K_36 Contract With Self – Make A Contract With Your Self Concerning Goals And Decisions

K_37 The Three Gunas – Analyze The Nature Of Your Body And Mind

K_38 Active Listening Towards Someone – Make A List Of Questions, Which You Would Like To Ask Someone You Would Like To Understand More Deeply

K_39 Purifying Character – A List Of Questions Concerning How We Would Like To Have Cultivated Our Character Before We Leave Our Bodies.

K_40 Forgiveness- Who We Would Like To Forgive And Also To Ask Forgiveness From And For What

K_41 Leaving The Body – What Will You Miss When You Leave Your Physical Body

K_42 Life Goals – What Are The Goals Which We Would Like To Accomplish Before Leaving Our Physical Bodies?

K_43 Mirroring Possibilities – Discover What Aspects Of Your Self Might Be Reflecting Back To You From Others

K_44 Facing Death Of Loved Ones – Questions Concerning How We Feel About The Possible Departure Of Loved Ones

K_45 What To Actualize? – List What You Would Like To Actualize In Your Life.

K_46 Being Ready For Departure – How To Be Ready For Our Departure From The Physical Body Whenever That Might Occur

K_47 How You Want Things To End – Realize How You Would Like The Various Aspects Of Your Life To Unfold

K_48 Liberation From Childhood – A Detailed Analysis Of How We Can Discover The Programming Of Our Childhood Years

K_49 Positive For Roles – Find The Beliefs Which Will Aid You In Getting Free From Being Affected By People Playing The Roles Of Intimidator, Interrogator, Victim And Aloof

K_50 Making A Program For Change – A Detailed Guide For Making Specific Decisions For Self-Improvement

Self Knowledge Questionnaires – No 5 Active Listening

Self Knowledge Questionnaires – No 5 Active Listening

Posted on by Holistic Harmony

Self Knowledge Exercises 

K05 – ACTIVE LISTENING QUEST.

QUESTIONNAIRE TO BE USED IN ACTIVE LISTENING

FOR DEEPER SELF-ANALYSIS

Even though this list of questions was created as a guide for active listening, it has proven to be a very effective questionnaire for self-analysis. Whenever you have anything bothering you, try to answer these questions in the order they appear below.In addition to your logical responses, imagine how your inner child might answer.

ATTENTION WHEN ENGAGED IN ACTIVE LISTENING

a. No counseling, criticism, advice.

b. We don’t take over the conversation to give our opinion. We let the other person talk. Ask questions only when he stops or is blocked off.

c. Our first questions should reexpress what we heard using our own words in order to make sure that we have understood correctly what is going on inside the other person. (We do not analyse the other person).

d. There is no need to be restricted to the questions below, they are designed to serve as a guide.

 

THE ANALYSIS

A. ABOUT EMOTIONS

1. How you feel: What emotions do you have concerning this subject, event, or situation?

2. Do you have any other emotions, in connection with this?

3. How do you feel about yourself when you have these emotions?

4. In what other situations have you felt similar emotions?

5. How long have you felt this way?

6. How often do you feel this way?

7. Did you ever feel this way as a child or in the past in general?

8. Are there, or were there, moments during which despite you were in a similar situation, you managed to feel and / or react differently?

9. Which and when were these moments? (Quest.8)

10. What did you say to yourself in these moments which helped you not to feel and/ or react differently? (Quest.8)

 

B. ABOUT BELIEFS

1. What do you believe about what’s happening that makes you feel that way?

2. What do you believe which makes you believe in this? (Quest.1)

Keep asking which belief is “behind” and creates each belief which you discover.

3. And if what you want does not really happen? What does this mean? What will happen? What will not happen? What will you loose? What is in danger if what you want does not happen?

4. And if what you want does not happen what does this mean: about you: about others: about life itself?

5. What is the possible danger here?

6. What do you fear in this situation?

7. What is the worst that can happen here?

8. And if this should happen? (Quest.7)

9. What makes you believe that this might happen and that it will be so horrible if it does?

10. What were your parents’ convictions about this?

11. Do you always believe this? (Quest.7)

12. Do you consciously believe this, that is, do you believe it is an objective truth? (Quest.7)

13. Perhaps you can’t see any conscious conviction that creates these emotions in you, but, despite this, you feel bad about it just the same. What is it that your subconscious (the child within) could believe to make you feel these emotions when this happens?

14. What is it you want or you believe you must have, which other people or the particular situation prevent you from having?

15. What do you lose when this happens?

16. Did you have the acceptance and love which you needed from your parents?

17. Did your parents trust your ability to deal with life?

3. DISCOVERIES

1. If life is a school and you have come here to learn some lessons, what is it that life is trying to teach you in this case?

2. What inner preparation can you make in order to learn these lessons more effectively? (Quest.1)

3. What can you do externally to overcome the problem?

4. Is there something others can do to help? Can you express this wish for help or cooperation now as if you were talking to them? (Psychodrama or written communication).

5. Is there something I can do to help you? (Who can help you?)

6. If you had faith in yourself, would you feel the same?

7. What convictions or truths could help you to feel better or to overcome it?

8. What changes you would like to make in your life?

a) In your thinking?

b) In your habits?

c) In your manner or communication?

d) In your way of life?

9. What is it that you would like to express to others that you haven’t expressed, or that you find difficult to express? (Parents, child, companion, colleagues etc.)

10. If you had a magic wand””

a) What reality would you create for yourself (without any restrictions)

b) How would you like to be?

11. If you had no financial, family or social obligation, what would you do with your life?

SELF KNOWLEDGE EXERCISES

There are a variety of techniques that we can use in order to become more aware of both our personality and our greater spiritual Self. Only a few of these can be shared in written format as they require personal guidance from an experienced teacher. All of the information presented here in this web site has the purpose of increasing your self-knowledge on all levels, especially the Self Clarification Process.
Self-Knowledge Questionnaires for the purpose of understanding your personality and its functioning more deeply.
Answering the questions presented in the following questionnaires will deepen your understanding of your self.

You can find these questions in an ebook download at

https://www.armonikizoi.com/store/products/life-coach-7-working-with-emotions

Some of the subjects covered are the following:

K_01 Something HappyAnalyze something which makes you happy.

K_02 Something Which Bothers Analyze Something Which Bothers You. Understand The Feelings And The Beliefs.

K_03 Why Love Self – Discover As Many Reasons As Possible To Love, Respect And Accept Your Self

K_04 Why Love Other Discover As Many Reasons As Possible To Love, Respect And Accept Someone

K_05 Active Listening Questions – Analyze The Mechanism Through Which Your Emotions Are Created

K_06 Obstacles To Love Others Discover Your Obstacles Towards Loving Others

K_07 Analysis Loving Selves Discover Your Obstacles Towards Loving Your Self

K_08 Understand Anxiety & Worry – Discover Why You Feel Anxiety, And Worry

K_09 Understand Hurt & Pain Understand The Mechanism Of Pain And Suffering

K_10 Understand Disappointment – Realize How You Create Disappointment

K_11 Understand Depression – Understand The Mechanism Of Depression

K_12 Understanding Jealousy – Analyze Why You Feel Jealousy Or Envy

K_13 Understand Loneliness – Discover How We Create Loneliness

K_14 Understand Self Doubt – Uncover The Roots Of Self-Doubt

K_15 Understand Anger – Realize How You Create Anger

K_16 Understand Blaming – Discover Why You Tend To Criticize And Blame

K_17 Analyzing Our Conscience – Discover Where You Conscience Is Bothering, And Why You Continue With Behaviors Which Are Not In Harmony With Your Conscience

K_19 Locate Emotions – Discover Where Your Emotions Store Themselves In Your Body

K_20 Relationship Questions – A List Of Questions For Couples To Answer, So As To Get To Know Each Other More Deeply

K_21 Life’s Lessons – Discover What You Have Learn From The Others’ Behavior Which Bother You

K_22 Inner Guidance – Investigate Possible Parts Of Your Self Which Do Not Want To Get Well, Or Make Changes For The Better.

K_23 Obstacle To Getting Well – Investigate Possible Parts Of Your Self Which Do Not Want To Get Well, Or Make Changes For The Better

K_24 My Relationship With God – Research Your Relationship With The Divine. How Do You Relate To God And Universe

K_25 Obstacles To Fulfillment – Discover Possible Obstacles Towards Fulfilling Your Life Goals

K_26 Obstacles To Growth – Understand Those Inner Obstacles To Your Spiritual Growth Process

K_27 Three Love Letters – Write A Love Letter To Someone You Love, Someone You Have Difficulty With And Your Own Self

K_28 Shadow + Mask – Analyze What You Hide In Your Shadow (Subconscious) And Place In Your Mask (How You Want To Appear) And Whether Or Not You Want To Make Any Changes

K_29 Freeing Selves From Mirror- Discover What You Might Be Doing Which Might Be Attracting From Others Behaviors Which Bother You

K_30 Sorting Feelings – Distinguish Between Your Feelings And How They Store In Your Body

K_31 Understanding Emotions – Analyze The Emotions You Do And Do Not Feel Comfortable With.

K_32 12 Steps Towards Conscious Love A Detailed Questionnaire Concerning How We Relate To Love Partners

K_33 Bioenergy Level – Discover How What You Do Affects Your Energy Level

K_34 Categories Of Beliefs – Put Order To Your Various Beliefs

K_35 Dream Analysis – Make Your Own Personal Interpretation Of Your Dreams

K_36 Contract With Self – Make A Contract With Your Self Concerning Goals And Decisions

K_37 The Three Gunas – Analyze The Nature Of Your Body And Mind

K_38 Active Listening Towards Someone – Make A List Of Questions, Which You Would Like To Ask Someone You Would Like To Understand More Deeply

K_39 Purifying Character – A List Of Questions Concerning How We Would Like To Have Cultivated Our Character Before We Leave Our Bodies.

K_40 Forgiveness- Who We Would Like To Forgive And Also To Ask Forgiveness From And For What

K_41 Leaving The Body – What Will You Miss When You Leave Your Physical Body

K_42 Life Goals – What Are The Goals Which We Would Like To Accomplish Before Leaving Our Physical Bodies?

K_43 Mirroring Possibilities – Discover What Aspects Of Your Self Might Be Reflecting Back To You From Others

K_44 Facing Death Of Loved Ones – Questions Concerning How We Feel About The Possible Departure Of Loved Ones

K_45 What To Actualize? – List What You Would Like To Actualize In Your Life.

K_46 Being Ready For Departure – How To Be Ready For Our Departure From The Physical Body Whenever That Might Occur

K_47 How You Want Things To End – Realize How You Would Like The Various Aspects Of Your Life To Unfold

K_48 Liberation From Childhood – A Detailed Analysis Of How We Can Discover The Programming Of Our Childhood Years

K_49 Positive For Roles – Find The Beliefs Which Will Aid You In Getting Free From Being Affected By People Playing The Roles Of Intimidator, Interrogator, Victim And Aloof

K_50 Making A Program For Change – A Detailed Guide For Making Specific Decisions For Self-Improvement

Self Knowledge Questionnaires – No 6 Obstacles to Love

Self Knowledge Questionnaires – No 6 Obstacles to Love

Posted on by Holistic Harmony

Self Knowledge Exercises 
K06 – OBSTACLES TO LOVE OTHERS
In which situations do you loose you sense of love and unity. You may feel any of the following emotions: fear, negativity, alienation, discomfort, aversion, worry, anxiety, anger, hate, reservation, bitterness, jealousy, resentment, disillusionment, frustration, rejection towards the other or towards your self, inferiority, superiority, or any other type of emotional distancing from that person. After each situation note down some of the emotions which you might feel in that situation.

1. When others are different, or from another group or some specific grouping.

a. Strange dress______________________________________________

b. Other political party _________________________________________

c. Other religion______________________________________________

d. Other social – economic group _________________________________

e. Other educational or mental level _____________________________

f. Other country______________________________________________

g. Other race______________________________________________

2. When the other do not agree with me. When they believe and express different opinions, or reject mine. ___________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________

3. When they criticize me or persons or groups important to me.

_______________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________

4. When others obstruct me or persons important to me from fulfilling important needs ie. Food, shelter, sex, work, sleep, money, vacations, meditation, the other’s approval and esteem.

_______________________________________________________________________

5. When my energy is low or I am not feeling well.

_______________________________________________________________________

6. When others harm me or important others physically, or hurt us emotionally___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

7. When I have personal problems which occupy much of my energy and mental resources. _______________________________________________________________________

8. When others do not live up to my expectations or do not function as we would like them to. ( especially children, spouses, siblings and parents.)_______________________________________________________________

9. When I do not love and accept myself._________________________________

10. When I feel guilt or fear_____________________________________________

Analysis and active listening concerning our obstacles towards loving others

Try to answer as honestly as possible

1. In which situations (in the face of which type of behaviors, or character types) do you lose your feelings of love unity or harmony with the others?

 

 

 

 

 

2. What emotions do you usually feel in those situations?

 

 

 

 

 

3. What do you believe :

A. About the other’s behavior or attitude?

 

 

B. About the other?

 

 

C. About your self (your safety, self worth etc.) In such situations?

 

 

 

4. How could you manage to sustain your feelings of unity and love in future even in such situations, or in the face of the same behavior or character types?

 

 

 

 

5. What would you like to communicate to such a person, or in such a situation?


SELF KNOWLEDGE EXERCISES

There are a variety of techniques that we can use in order to become more aware of both our personality and our greater spiritual Self. Only a few of these can be shared in written format as they require personal guidance from an experienced teacher. All of the information presented here in this web site has the purpose of increasing your self-knowledge on all levels, especially the Self Clarification Process.
Self-Knowledge Questionnaires for the purpose of understanding your personality and its functioning more deeply.
Answering the questions presented in the following questionnaires will deepen your understanding of your self.

You can find these questions in an ebook download at

https://www.armonikizoi.com/store/products/life-coach-7-working-with-emotions

Some of the subjects covered are the following:

K_01 Something HappyAnalyze something which makes you happy.

K_02 Something Which Bothers Analyze Something Which Bothers You. Understand The Feelings And The Beliefs.

K_03 Why Love Self – Discover As Many Reasons As Possible To Love, Respect And Accept Your Self

K_04 Why Love Other Discover As Many Reasons As Possible To Love, Respect And Accept Someone

K_05 Active Listening Questions – Analyze The Mechanism Through Which Your Emotions Are Created

K_06 Obstacles To Love Others Discover Your Obstacles Towards Loving Others

K_07 Analysis Loving Selves Discover Your Obstacles Towards Loving Your Self

K_08 Understand Anxiety & Worry – Discover Why You Feel Anxiety, And Worry

K_09 Understand Hurt & Pain Understand The Mechanism Of Pain And Suffering

K_10 Understand Disappointment – Realize How You Create Disappointment

K_11 Understand Depression – Understand The Mechanism Of Depression

K_12 Understanding Jealousy – Analyze Why You Feel Jealousy Or Envy

K_13 Understand Loneliness – Discover How We Create Loneliness

K_14 Understand Self Doubt – Uncover The Roots Of Self-Doubt

K_15 Understand Anger – Realize How You Create Anger

K_16 Understand Blaming – Discover Why You Tend To Criticize And Blame

K_17 Analyzing Our Conscience – Discover Where You Conscience Is Bothering, And Why You Continue With Behaviors Which Are Not In Harmony With Your Conscience

K_19 Locate Emotions – Discover Where Your Emotions Store Themselves In Your Body

K_20 Relationship Questions – A List Of Questions For Couples To Answer, So As To Get To Know Each Other More Deeply

K_21 Life’s Lessons – Discover What You Have Learn From The Others’ Behavior Which Bother You

K_22 Inner Guidance – Investigate Possible Parts Of Your Self Which Do Not Want To Get Well, Or Make Changes For The Better.

K_23 Obstacle To Getting Well – Investigate Possible Parts Of Your Self Which Do Not Want To Get Well, Or Make Changes For The Better

K_24 My Relationship With God – Research Your Relationship With The Divine. How Do You Relate To God And Universe

K_25 Obstacles To Fulfillment – Discover Possible Obstacles Towards Fulfilling Your Life Goals

K_26 Obstacles To Growth – Understand Those Inner Obstacles To Your Spiritual Growth Process

K_27 Three Love Letters – Write A Love Letter To Someone You Love, Someone You Have Difficulty With And Your Own Self

K_28 Shadow + Mask – Analyze What You Hide In Your Shadow (Subconscious) And Place In Your Mask (How You Want To Appear) And Whether Or Not You Want To Make Any Changes

K_29 Freeing Selves From Mirror- Discover What You Might Be Doing Which Might Be Attracting From Others Behaviors Which Bother You

K_30 Sorting Feelings – Distinguish Between Your Feelings And How They Store In Your Body

K_31 Understanding Emotions – Analyze The Emotions You Do And Do Not Feel Comfortable With.

K_32 12 Steps Towards Conscious Love A Detailed Questionnaire Concerning How We Relate To Love Partners

K_33 Bioenergy Level – Discover How What You Do Affects Your Energy Level

K_34 Categories Of Beliefs – Put Order To Your Various Beliefs

K_35 Dream Analysis – Make Your Own Personal Interpretation Of Your Dreams

K_36 Contract With Self – Make A Contract With Your Self Concerning Goals And Decisions

K_37 The Three Gunas – Analyze The Nature Of Your Body And Mind

K_38 Active Listening Towards Someone – Make A List Of Questions, Which You Would Like To Ask Someone You Would Like To Understand More Deeply

K_39 Purifying Character – A List Of Questions Concerning How We Would Like To Have Cultivated Our Character Before We Leave Our Bodies.

K_40 Forgiveness- Who We Would Like To Forgive And Also To Ask Forgiveness From And For What

K_41 Leaving The Body – What Will You Miss When You Leave Your Physical Body

K_42 Life Goals – What Are The Goals Which We Would Like To Accomplish Before Leaving Our Physical Bodies?

K_43 Mirroring Possibilities – Discover What Aspects Of Your Self Might Be Reflecting Back To You From Others

K_44 Facing Death Of Loved Ones – Questions Concerning How We Feel About The Possible Departure Of Loved Ones

K_45 What To Actualize? – List What You Would Like To Actualize In Your Life.

K_46 Being Ready For Departure – How To Be Ready For Our Departure From The Physical Body Whenever That Might Occur

K_47 How You Want Things To End – Realize How You Would Like The Various Aspects Of Your Life To Unfold

K_48 Liberation From Childhood – A Detailed Analysis Of How We Can Discover The Programming Of Our Childhood Years

K_49 Positive For Roles – Find The Beliefs Which Will Aid You In Getting Free From Being Affected By People Playing The Roles Of Intimidator, Interrogator, Victim And Aloof

K_50 Making A Program For Change – A Detailed Guide For Making Specific Decisions For Self-Improvement

I – Messages for Effective Communication

I – Messages for Effective Communication

Posted on by Holistic Harmony

 SAMPLE I MESSAGES TO   LOVED ONES IN VARIOUS SITUATIONS

We believe that these sample messages will aid you in your communication with the important people in your lives.

List of messages:

N1 What Is An I ? Message?

N2 Sharing Your Inner World

N3 Some Useful Thoughts And Suggestions For when We Are Having Need Conflicts

N4 Suggestions For Creating Harmonious Communication

N5 I-Message To An Aloof Spouse

N6 I-Message To An Interrogator, Critic

N7 I-Message To An Intimidator

N8 I-Message To A Victim

N9 An Example «I Message» To A Spouse Who Doesn?t Listen Or Speaks Aggressively

N10 To A Child Wants To Go To The Movies

N11 The Blaring Stereo

N12 To A Child After A Note From The Teacher

N13 To A Child About A The Messy House

N14 To The Child Who Arrives Home Late

N15 To Children Who Are Fighting Over A Game

N16 More About Communication With Children

N17 Active Listening

N18 Putting Our Selves In The Other’s Position

N19 Examples Of I-Messages For Students

N1 WHAT IS AN I ? MESSAGE?

An «I message» is a form of communication in which we effectively express to someone what is happening inside of us. In this way we help the other to understand us and our feelings, needs, thoughts and actions. In our communication with others we often make «you messages» in which we accuse the other of being wrong, evil or unacceptable. When we do this, he feels hurt, rejected, endangered and angry. This puts him on the defensive. He stops hearing what we are saying, because this hurts him. He feels the need to protect himself in various ways.

Some may protect themselves by closing in on themselves and shutting us out emotionally. Others may become defensive, and even aggressive, in their attempt to protect themselves. When we communicate with someone in this way, it is very unlikely that we will be able to create an open, loving, supporting relationship with this person.

The «I message» takes the emphasis off what the other is doing wrong, or what we think about the other, and puts the emphasis on:

1.how we feel,

2.what we need,

3.how we think, and

4.what help we need from the other in order to feel happy and more satisfied in this relationship.

We avoid dwelling on who has done what to whom, and focus on what kind of relationship we would like now, and how we feel and what we need now from the other person.

The «I message» is more honest. When we make «you messages» we simply express our anger and negative feelings towards the other. We do not explain the beliefs, programmings, fears, expectations, needs, desires, attachments and aversions which are at the root of these negative feelings. We do not take responsibility for our reality, but rather blame our reality on the other. We do not explain to the other that we have various needs, fears and weaknesses, which make us vulnerable to his behavior or beliefs, and that this is the actual cause of our problem and not simply his behavior. The cause of our reality is our beliefs and not the other?s behavior which may or may not be in harmony with our expectations.

The «I message» has four basic parts. The first part is the introduction. It is important to start our communication with two important messages which will help the other to relax and be able to listen more openly to our communication. The first important message is that we are approaching the other because we ourselves have a problem and we would like to ask his help, or at least his understanding. We are not approaching him because we want to reject him, or change him, or blame him, but because we are unhappy and need his help in solving this problem. This is called retaining the ownership of the problem. Now the other also may have a serious problem, but it might not be the same problem that we have. For example we may be unhappy because our child, or spouse, is behaving in a certain way. Since we are unhappy, this is our problem. But that child or spouse may have some other problem which is making him or her act in that way. In some cases, they might have a problem with our behavior. In such cases, it is essential that each expresses what exactly his problem or needs are, rather than accuse or blame the other.

The second message which we need to give in the introduction is that we are approaching the other because this relationship is important to us and because our happiness depends on its being harmonious. The other needs to hear that he or she is important to us and that we are interested in keeping this relationship as harmonious as possible.

N2 SHARING YOUR INNER WORLD

The second part of the «I message» is the process of sharing our inner world of thoughts, feelings, needs, fears and attachments and expectations. Here we explain to the other what feelings are created within us when we are faced with the situation or behavior which is troubling us. We also explain how our beliefs, needs, expectations and fears create those feelings within us. We may even go on to analyze how we then react towards him and others when we feel that way. It is important for the other to hear that, so that he can realize in the future, that our negative reactions towards him are not so much an expression of our hate, but rather or our fear, hurt, insecurity and self doubt. We tend to avoid exposing these vulnerable and weak parts of ourselves for we consider them unacceptable to others and even to ourselves. We fear that, if we show our needs or weaknesses, others will reject us, use us, manipulate us, or take us for granted. This, however, is not my experience. I believe that people are basically good and that, if we see the good within them, and address our selves to that goodness, and help them feel safe and accepted by us, then their inherent goodness will manifest in their relationship with us. Herein lies our real protection, and our real happiness.

Obviously, if we have for many years communicated in a different way, it may take some time for the other to relax, feel secure and respond to our new behavior. It is also extremely important to realize that no «I message» will ever work if we still internally believe that the other is to blame for our reality or that we are the victims of some injustice. Playing the victim will always put the other in the role of the abuser. It will be extremely useful to do positive visualization exercises concerning your communication in your difficult relationships.

When describing the behavior or situations which stimulate our inner programmings and create our negative inner world, it is important to do so in an non accusative way. We can first express our problem generally and then personally. Here is an example.

We do not however, suppress only our negative feelings. We also withhold our love, affection, admiration, gratitude and well wishes. We might do so because:

we fear how the other will respond,

or because we have learned that this is sign of weakness

or believe that the other will use this against us later,

or because we are in competition with the other,

or simply because we have not yet learned to express positive feelings. In most cases, we feel vulnerable.

Learning to express our positive feelings to others is a basic part of creating a happy relationship. We all need to hear positive feedback. We can make a separate list of the following for each of our important persons:

1. What are his / her positive traits which we admire?

2. What are her / his abilities or talents which we admire?

3. Why do we feel gratitude for that person?

4. What do we wish for that person (Health, success, happiness, growth etc.)?

5. Why do we love that person?

Then we can share our answers with them.

N3 SOME USEFUL THOUGHTS AND SUGGESTIONS FOR

WHEN WE ARE HAVING NEED CONFLICTS

1. It is not by chance that I am with this particular partner.

2. My partner is my teacher on my evolutionary path.

3. He or she gives me in each moment exactly what I need (pleasant or unpleasant) in order mature emotionally and spiritually and develop my inner feelings of security and self worth.

4. My partner needs and deserves my love and respect just as I need and deserve the same from him or her.

5. I really do love my partner and do wish for him or her to be well and happy.

6. Sincere and truthful communication is the only real solution.

7. Love understands and forgives.

8. We both deserve a happy live. only our egos and fears obstruct us.

N4 SUGGESTIONS FOR CREATING HARMONIOUS COMMUNICATION

1. You can perform daily a deep relaxation or positive projection technique in which you imagine that you are able to express your needs, feelings and thoughts to the other in an harmonious way with love and respect both for your self and the other. See the guidelines for such a positive projection.

2. Work on your own feelings of inner security and self-acceptance.

3. Agree to meet once a week to discuss your needs and feelings and share more deeply. It is best for the meeting be the same day and hour each week so that you each keep this hour free for that purpose.

4. You might want to discuss the answers to the various questionnaires in this site with each other at those meetings.

5. Learn to translate your complaints and anger into needs and express them with I- messages without criticism or threats. Simply explain to the other what you need and how important it for you that he or she respond to those needs and ask how they feel about that.

6. Learn to listen actively and clearly to what the other is trying to say seeking to understand what their real feelings are and what they really need.

7. Bring to mind daily at least three of your loved one?s positive qualities and share them with him or her when its feels natural.

8. Do things which you enjoy together.

9. Allow each other space and time to be alone and recharge emotionally and physically so that each rejuvenates himself and the relationship.

10. Express your love in ways that the other can feel it perhaps with a massage or flowers, cards with messages, gifts, or acts of service to each other.

N5 I-message TO AN ALOOF SPOUSE

“Dear, I have something important which I would like to express to you and if you want to answer me that would be fine. There are times when you are silent, inexpressive or even seem sad or angry. At those times, when I do not know what you are feeling or thinking, I sometimes think that perhaps I have done something which has offended or hurt you, or that perhaps you do not love me any more. I sometimes also believe that you do not have enough trust in me, or do not feel close enough to me to share with me what you are feeling. Then I begin to doubt my self worth as a spouse.

“When I see you like this and make those interpretations, then I sometimes approach you trying to find out what is happening. Sometimes you respond and sometimes you do not. That bothers me even more. I feel hurt and believe that you do not care about me and our relationship.

“I now realize that it doesn?t help to pressure you to communicate with me. I am going to try to leave that to you. I just want you to know that I love you and I want and need to know more about what you are feeling and thinking, but that I am going to leave that up to you. And if, in fact, I have done or do something, which has offended or hurt you, I very much want to hear about it. Do not protect me by not telling me, if something I do bothers you.

“I will try to leave you all the space you need to feel from within if you want to communicate with me more deeply. Do not interpret this as a lack of interest or love. I am simply giving you the space you seem to need.

“I will be happy to hear how you feel about what I have expressed whenever you feel ready.”

N6 I-message TO AN INTERROGATOR, CRITIC

“Dear, I would like to discuss with you a problem which I have with our communication. I feel myself continuously to be in the position of answering your questions and doubts about what I am doing. I feel that you are frequently correcting and accusing me. This puts me on the defensive and sometimes I get into the role of the victim and at others I become an intimidator, or do the same to you and become your interrogator.

“This way of communicating saddens me. I believe that we can communicate much more honestly and harmoniously. For this reason, I am going to try to accept myself even when you have doubts and criticize. I am going to stop answering your questions and apologizing to your accusations. I am going to try to be happy even when you are not satisfied with me and when you criticize or accuse me.

“Please do not misunderstand this. I love you and want you to be happy and want us to be happy together, but we cannot be happy this way, with your playing the lawyer and my playing the guilty one. I cannot lose my self-respect any more in this game.

“I want you to know that I love you even when I do not try to get you to agree with what I do.

“I am very interested in knowing how do you feel about this?”

N7 I-message TO AN INTIMIDATOR

“I need to discuss something with you. You know, there are times when I am afraid of you. When you raise your voice and threaten me, you stimulate old fears from my childhood years. When that happens I retreat from confrontation with you, suppressing my needs and sometimes my values. When this happens I lose my self-respect, and feel injustice and anger towards you. My heart closes and my love for you diminishes. There are even times when I think of revenge.

“With the way you act, you may get what you want from me at that moment, but you lose my love and respect. I have decided to try to overcome my fears and be more honest with you. I am going to try to express my needs and values even when you shout or intimidate me. I would like to ask for your help with this effort.

“I am very interested in helping you fulfill your needs. I believe that we can both get what we want together. I would like to ask you to express your needs without threatening me. Simply tell me what you need from me. I, in response, will also express my needs to you. I believe we can find solutions without my fearing you and retreating when you threaten me.

“How do you feel about this idea?”

N8 I-message TO A VICTIM

” Dear, I want you to know that I love and care for you and want very much for you to be happy and healthy and satisfied in your life. I want that very much but I am beginning to realize that I cannot create that for you. I realize now that I have been feeling responsible for your reality and some times guilty because you are not as happy and satisfied as we would both like you to be.

“I now realize that I do not help you be feeling responsible or guilty. These feelings just make me angry with you because you do not do what you could be doing to create a happier life for your self, or do not see how wonderful your life really is, when you focus on what you do not have, rather than all the wonderful things you do have.

“Thus I am no longer going to try to create your happiness or get your approval through your expression of satisfaction. I am going to love you and offer you whatever I can, without doing more than I believe I should or getting angry with you because you are not satisfied.

“Is there something you would like to share with me concerning this?”

N9 AN EXAMPLE «I MESSAGE» to a spouse who doesn?t listen or speaks aggressively

«Dear, I need to speak to you. I have a problem that I hope that you will be able to help me with. I have realized that I have a poor self-image and very easily doubt my self worth and whether I am loved or not by the people around me. This happens especially when they ignore me or when they speak to me aggressively or abruptly. It seems that I have this sensitivity from my childhood years. This happens sometimes between us. When you speak to me sometimes in an aggressive manner when you are upset about something, I feel hurt, rejected, unworthy and even fearful. This then develops into feelings of anger, and sometimes I even end up wanting to hurt you in some way. I do not want to feel this way. I love you and want to have a harmonious relationship with you. You are important to me and this relationship is important to me.

” I realize that this is my problem, but I do not feel that I can solve it by myself at this time. I need more affirmation of your love, respect and interest in me. I would like to express to you how you can show me your interest so that I can feel more fulfilled in this relationship. I would also like to discuss alternative ways in which we can communicate concerning differences of opinion, or needs, or values. I need to be able to tell you what I think, or feel even, if that does not coincide with what you feel or think, without ending up in conflict. If I suppress my thoughts and feelings, I loose my self-respect and feel rejected by you. On the other hand, I am afraid of expressing my differing views because I am afraid of having conflict with you.

“I would like your cooperation in finding a way in which we can communicate our differences in a way in which neither of us feels hurt, rejected or angry. Because my opinions may differ from yours, it does not mean that I do not love and accept you. I would very much like to know how you feel about our relationship and especially how you feel when we have these conflicts. You could help me a lot by helping me to understand what exactly it is that I do which upsets you. I would also like to know what needs or expectations you have from me, which I am perhaps not fulfilling. Do you feel like discussing this now, or would you like some time to think about what I have said, and discuss it in a few days?»

N10 TO A CHILD WANTS TO GO TO THE MOVIES

A child keeps pleading to be taken to a movie, but he has not cleaned up his room for several days, a job which he agreed to do.

What might be an average type of communication? An average parent may call the child lazy, irresponsible and inconsiderate. These are serious accusations which will undermine the child?s self-image.

The parent would do better to communicate with an I- message. But in order to do that, he will have to carry out some self-analysis to see what his deeper feelings are. What might a parent feel in this situation? He may feel disappointment, disrespect, hurt, taken advantage of, failure to control his child, anger, the need for revenge or other emotions, depending on his programming.

Thus, an I-message in this case might be something like this:

«My child, sit down. I would like to express to you how I feel at this moment. There is conflict within me: on the one hand, I love you and want you to be happy. I want you to be able to enjoy that which makes you happy. I would like to take you to the movies, so that you might enjoy yourself. On the other hand, I feel cheated and that an injustice has been done, because we have made an agreement that you would clean your room, and you have not kept it. That makes me feel that you are not respecting our agreement and my need for your room to be clean. I also have another need, which is to feel that I am bringing you up in the proper way. When I see that you are not taking your word and your responsibilities seriously, I have doubts as to whether I am doing a good job and whether you will be able to function well in society, if you are not keeping your word. So I cannot bring myself to take you to the movies until you keep your word and clean up your room».

The parent may then lead into active listening with something like, «How do you feel what I have just said to you? Does it seem fair? Do you feel hurt? Would you like to talk about it?»

Also, the parent may take this opportunity to discuss with the child the factors which have prevented him from cleaning up his room. «From the fact that you have not cleaned up your room, I get the idea that you do not like to do that job. Is there some special reason for that? Do you feel that it is unfair that I ask you to do that? What do you think would be a fair way to handle this situation? Have you some suggestions as to how we can overcome this source of tension between us?»

I can hear some parents who are reading this saying to themselves, «My child will never understand these explanations». My personal experience is that any child over two years old can understand the intent behind this communication and will feel the parent?s respect, love and concern through it, and will feel the same for the parent.

N11 THE BLARING STEREO

A child is playing his records so loud that the parents in the next room cannot communicate with one another.

An angry parent may likely say, «Can?t you be more considerate of others? Are you deaf? Why do you play that so loud?»

Would we talk that way to our next door neighbor if he were playing the music that loud? Would we talk that way to our colleague, our boss, our friends? Do we have the right to speak demeaningly to our children just because we think they belong to us? Imagine how you would politely communicate with a neighbor who was playing music loudly (especially if he is bigger than you).

Remember that the key to effective communication is that we neither suppress ourselves nor the others. We respect both our needs and those of the others. So, we are not going to put up with the music, but neither are we going to hurt the other?s feelings.

An example in this case might be as follows:

«Maria, could you please turn down the music for a moment? I would like to tell you something which is very important to me. I have conflicting needs. My need for you is to be happy and not to feel suppressed. I also do not want to be in a state of conflict with you because when I am, I do not feel at all well; and neither do you. On the other hand, I cannot tolerate the high volume which you were just playing the music at. Your father and I are trying to talk in the next room and we cannot hear each other because of the music. I also have the need not to bother the neighbors, just as I would not like them to bother us. I would like to keep up good relationships with them. I ?m afraid that the loud music may be bothering them. For that reason I ask you to please cooperate on this matter and play the music at a lower volume or perhaps you could wear headphones and enjoy the music at the volume you prefer, while we have peace».

Then the parent might want to lead into active listening as to how the child feels about that message. «How do you feel about what I ?m asking you to do? Do you feel pressured or unhappy? I hope we can find a way for both of us to be happy. Tell me your feelings».

This method of communication is much more likely to encourage willful cooperation from the child, while respect between parent and child is mutually maintained.

Although most parents feel great love for their children, they are unable to communicate that love, because of a lack in communication skills. We mean well; but our own problems and fears get in our way and disrupt our communication with our children.

Let us look at a few more examples of communication with children.

N12 TO A CHILD AFTER A NOTE FROM THE TEACHER

A twelve-year-old is sent home by a teacher with a note stating that he was speaking loudly, using «filthy» language. What might be the parents? reaction?

One might be, «Come here and explain to me why you want to embarrass your parents with your dirty mouth». Another would be to simply punish the child with no discussion. Another might be to degrade the child?s image of himself by criticising him for his various mistakes and faults in general.

All of these express to some extent the feelings which the parents may have. But they are not effective communication, because they do not express all the parents? feelings and serve only to make the child feel badly, without offering any opportunity for understanding what the child?s problem is in reality.

Obviously, the child has some need to speak in that way. He may have some problem or a need for attention or recognition. When the parent focuses only on his own embarrassment and fear, and ignores what might be going on in the child at this time, he loses contact with the child and a communication breakdown begins to take place between them. The child knows he has made a mistake, but he is unable to deal with the forces which cause him to act in this way. His way of speaking at school was either an outlet for some inner tension, or resentment, or an attempt for attention or recognition. The parent would do better to discuss his feelings about the situation with the child and try to help the child to open up so that he may discover what is going on in the child?s mind.

A possible communication might be something like this:

«John, I have a strong need to talk about this note with you. I am very concerned both for you and me. I am shocked and surprised, and I must admit a bit embarrassed in the eyes of others. But these are my problems. What concerns me most is that I also feel that maybe I have made some mistake in my attitude towards you. I feel somehow responsible for your behavior since I am your parent, and I wonder if I am doing a good job or not in bringing you up the way I do. I would like to try to understand.Please explain to me the events which happened at school and what was that made you feel the need to speak loudly and in that way. I would also like to know if there is something that I do which has contributed towards your feeling that you must express yourself in that way. I would also like you to tell me if there is anything that I can do to help you to feel more comfortable and happier».

The child may or may not open up. He may or may not be able to understand consciously what his problem is. In most cases, with the help of active listening the child will come to an understanding of what is going on within him.

N13 TO A CHILD ABOUT A THE MESSY HOUSE

A mother arrives home tired and upset after a variety of activities out of the house. Upon entering the house she finds everything to be in a mess. She had asked the children to keep the house clean because there would be visitors coming home that evening. What kind of message might she give?

Of course she will feel disappointed, let down, ignored, rejected, the victim, and, most likely, upset and angry. She might blame the children for being so inconsiderate, irresponsible, for not loving her, for not respecting her. This type of blaming will simply reinforce in the children?s minds the idea that they are as she has described them – not okay, not responsible and not to be trusted. They will then continue to be just that way.

A possible communication might be something like this:

«Children, come and sit down. I want to explain to you some things which are very important to me. I feel very disillusioned this moment. On the one hand, I feel let down. I was counting on your remembering my request that you be careful and keep the house clean and tidy. I am tired and I am worried about receiving these guests this evening. It is important for me that the house be clean when they arrive but I am too tired to do it at this moment. I also doubt whether I am bringing you up the right way when I see, at times like this, that you do not consider my requests for help and cooperation. I understand that when you play it is easy to forget such requests, but I ask you to try harder in the future, because I need your help. Now, I would be interested in your suggesting some way by which we can avoid this happening in the future».

After a discussion takes place as to how such situations could be avoided in the future, the mother can ask the children to now please help her by putting the place in order and cleaning up so that she can relax and get ready for the guests who are coming.

The key to effective communication is to look into ourselves and think about what we are really feeling and express that clearly and openly to the other, without hiding anything and without blaming or hurting the feelings of the others. After expressing how we feel, we always give the other person a chance to express his or her feelings on the subject.

N14 TO THE CHILD WHO ARRIVES HOME LATE

Although their daughter agreed to be home by 12 midnight, she arrives at 1.30 in the morning. The parents are extremely worried that something may have happened to her and are quite relieved when she finally gets home. What kind of message might they give to the child? They might express their anger at her disobedience and reject her for being inconsiderate and irresponsible. They might threaten her and punish her with the hope that she will obey out of fear in the future. Such methods of communication, however, may simply hurt the daughter?s feelings and create a sense of separation from the parents, along with a feeling of injustice and of being misunderstood by her parents.

Obviously in this case both parents and daughter have the right to feel what they feel. The question is not who is right but how they can communicate harmoniously and each fulfil their needs without harming the other.

A possible communication might be something like this:

«Maria, please sit down. We have a great need to discuss with you how we feel about you coming home at 1.30 in the morning, when we had agreed that you be here by midnight. We have been extremely worried during the last hour and a half. All kinds of possible dangers have passed through our minds as we were waiting for you. We love you very much and would not like any harm to come to you. We still feel responsible for your health and well-being, and would find it difficult to forgive ourselves if anything happened to you. We would feel that we had been irresponsible in our roles as parents. It is extremely important for us that we come up with a formula with regard to your evenings out, which would be agreeable to both you and us. We want you to be happy in your life but also have a need to feel that we are performing our role as parents correctly and that we are protecting you as well as we can. We also need to feel that we are bringing you up in the right way. When you do not respect your word, we worry about whether we have failed, as parents, to teach you to honour your word. We are interested in hearing from you what happened and why it is that you did not come back by midnight; also, how you believe we should act in this situation. We would like to hear your suggestions as to how we can find a formula for future times when you go out. It is very important for us that we know when you will be arriving and can be sure that you will be here at that time»»

The discussion can then go back and forth as the parents alternate between I-statements concerning our feelings and needs and active listening, in which they listen to the needs of the daughter, until they find some suitable solution.

N15 TO CHILDREN WHO ARE FIGHTING OVER A GAME

The following example could be one in which children are fighting over any subject or situation. When a parent sees his children fighting over a toy, a game, TV program, or any other object, he feels great inner conflict. He feels that both of his children are a part of himself, so when they are fighting, it is as if two parts of his own being are fighting. He may feel that he is failing as a parent to create harmony in his home. He may feel guilt for that. He may feel angry towards one of the children who is acting more egotistically. He may play the role of the judge and persecutor. He may punish one or both children, without discussion concerning his deeper feelings or his conflict in general.

A possible example of communication might be:

«Children, please come and sit down. I want to express to you how I am feeling at this moment, as I am watching you fight. Each of you is equally a part of me. I feel so connected with you that whatever happens to you is like it is happening to me. When you fight with one another, I feel great inner conflict. I feel confused. I do not know what to do. I do not want to take sides. I want you both to be happy. I do not know what is the way to make you stop. Maybe you could help me so we may together discover what I could do to help you, so that I do not get into conflict about this. This will be useful for all of us. There will certainly be times in your life, in which you will come into conflict with others around you; this will help us all to see how we can handle such conflicts in a different way. I would like each of you to think about what it is that you wanted and could not get from the other, which caused you to get angry and to fight in that way. Each will take turns to express what his problem was and we will keep going around until all of us have said whatever we need to say. I ask that only one rule be kept: when someone is talking, that we do not interrupt him but let him conclude that which he is trying to say. If we disagree with him, we can have a chance later to express it. Now, let us begin».

N16 MORE ABOUT COMMUNICATION WITH CHILDREN

«I – MESSAGES»

As with the «I-message» we learned in previous chapters, we explain to the child what we are really feeling and the thoughts, beliefs, expectations, fears and attachments which create those feelings within us. We communicate:

1. The various emotions which we are having.

2. The beliefs and programmings which are creating these emotions.

3. What stimulus or behavior on the part of the child triggers this mechanism.

4. How we usually act towards the child when we feel that way.

5. And wherever it is appropriate, we may ask the child to cooperate with us by avoiding that behavior in the future.

6. Then we ask the child to explain how he feels and we exercise active listening.

Let us take an example. A child brings home low grades. This is the stimulus, the event which is perceived by the parents? senses. Let us examine some of the emotions which the parents might feel with this event. Parents will feel differently depending on their programmings and expectations. One may feel disappointment, insecurity, shame, doubt about oneself as parent, anger towards the child, anger towards the teachers, inferiority towards other parents whose children are doing better, concern for the child or even guilt. Some parents may be strongly affected. Others may approach the problem more rationally and effectively without panic and family crisis.

Now what are some of the programmings or beliefs which a parent may have which may create some of these emotions. It is important to examine these, because, we may be being controlled by false programmings which may cause us to express anger or rejection towards the child, which, in this case, is probably the last thing he needs. The child too is obviously having a problem. This is a time when he needs to feel support and help in understanding what is preventing him from using his abilities to the extent that he could. Rejection or harsh words will only make him react more negatively or hide, closed into himself.

So, why is the parent feeling what he feels? What are some of the programmings or beliefs which control his mind?

1. A child must have high grades in order to succeed in the world.

A parent who is programmed in this way will feel fear about the child?s future and failure in his role as parent to prepare his child for the world.

Thus his «I-message» would be something like this, «John, I would like to talk with you. I have a problem. I feel responsible for your future. I believe that it is my responsibility to do whatever I can to help you be successful and happy in your life. I also believe that high grades are essential for your survival and success and happiness in the future. Perhaps I am not giving you something which you need. I would really like to talk about this in detail. How do you feel? Is there anything which is bothering you or preventing you from concentrating?

With this kind of «I-message» which leads into active listening in which we help the child to open up to us, the child is less likely to feel accused or hurt. Thus he will not need to react negatively or close up into himself. There will be a greater possibility of open, honest, effective communication.

At the same time, the parent would do well to examine those programmings which he has. It is true that success and happiness depend on high grades at school? Take a look around you. Does this theory hold up? Are the highly educated and very rich really happy? Perhaps some are. Did those who are successful, dynamic, happy, productive members of society have high grades or are there other factors involved? Perhaps higher grades can be had by one who knows how to memorize and be a robot at school. Does that mean that he can think, analyze and communicate with people? Does that mean that he is ethical or able to function in our society? Perhaps too much importance is being given to one of the many factors which may help our children survive and succeed in life. There are many others which may be much important in our child?s life such as morality, character, love for others, self-respect, self-confidence, enthusiasm, creativity, concern for others, and various other talents which the child may have.

When we worry and pressure the child on the basis of this one factor, we risk destroying all the others in the conflict which takes place. In general, the most creative and analytical minds cannot thrive in the mechanized uncreative school system.

2. A second belief a parent may have is that he is successful if his child is successful and unsuccessful if his child fails.

In this case the parent may explain this programming to the child. But does he have the right to ask the child to conform to some sort of behavior which simply fulfils the subjective programmings and expectations of the parent? Why should a child be forced to fulfil some specific expectation of the parents so that the parents can feel successful? That child may have been born to take a completely different road, to have other experiences which have nothing to do with the expectations of the parents or their definition of success.

The parent may have defined success with conditions like plenty of money, high professional position, or high social status. But will that particular personality who is now their child be happy in that role? Does money really bring happiness? Do people in high positions seem happier than others? Are they enjoying life? Are they healthy? Do they have harmony with those around them? What do we want for our children, success in the eyes of society or health, happiness and harmony? In some cases they may be able to have all that. In other cases, they may conflict. We cannot know. There is a small voice in the child which does know.

It is better for the child to decide what he wants to do with his life. That inner voice will guide him sooner or later to the role which that soul came to play on earth.

The parent, with this belief, that he is successful if his child is successful, must also examine the difference between efforts and results. The parent is responsible for his efforts. Not for the results. Parents with many children can verify that although they treat the different children much in the same way, the children react completely differently. It seems that each child brings with him some already developed traits, which are independent of the childhood programming which we give them.

How we behave towards the child and how we live our lives are extremely important factors in the child?s character development. But they are not the only factors. So we cannot judge ourselves based on the results of what happens with the child. We can judge ourselves based on our motives and our efforts. Have our motives been pure? Have we always done what we have thought was best for the child (regardless of whether todaywe see that we have made mistakes), have we always tried to do the best of our ability with the energy and consciousness which we had in the past? Realising this will help us be at ease with our conscience, and do not need to force our children to succeed in our terms,so that we can feel that we are successful parents. This is a great weight for the child to carry. We would not like to carry this weight and we have no right to place it on our children.

3. Another belief, which the parent may have which may cause him to get upset with the news of the low grades is, «I must have the acceptance, recognition and respect of others in order to feel self-acceptance and self-love». If a parent has need for recognition from friends and society through his child?s performance at school, then he will feel shame, inferiority, failure and then anger at the child for putting him in that position.

If the parents express only the anger to the child and accuse him of being a failure and useless, then they are on the one hand destroying even further the child?s self-confidence and ability to succeed, and on the other hand not being truthful. He is not expressing his real feelings which came before the anger.

Something which all parents, teachers and people in general must understand is that anger is always a second or third emotion. We feel anger when we first feel fear or insecurity. Most animals attack only when they are cornered and feel fear for their lives, or the lives of their children. The same is true of humans. When someone is angry you can be sure that somewhere behind that anger there is fear about something. It may be difficult to find but it is without doubt, there.

Take the present example. There may be the fear of rejection or ridicule by friends and relatives whose children may be doing better than ours. There might be the fear of failing in the role of the parent. There may be fear about the future of the child. There may be fear of losing control over the child. There may be fear of the rejection of the parents? belief system and expectations.

In this case the fear of what others will say causes the parent to become angry with the child. Thus the «you – message» to the child that he is no good, is not the complete truth. The parent must analyze his own needs for affirmation and see his need for approval from others, his doubt about his abilities as a parent and various other emotions which he may have had before he felt anger.

The problem is that these emotions work so quickly and usually subconsciously that the parent, who has not worked on self-analysis, will find it difficult to become conscious of the emotions which hide behind, and create his anger. In such cases keeping a diary is essential. The parent or teacher could take ten to twenty minutes every evening before sleeping and write down the major emotional experiences of the day. Then he can analyze the programmings or beliefs which are causing these emotions. In this way he will gradually gain clarity. (Details about self-analysis are given in Volume one: Discovering Our Selves)

We can see that a great part of effective communication is analysing our selves. Without this we cannot communicate honestly.

In the case of the parent who is controlled by the belief that he is successful if his child is, or that he must have the recognition of the people around him, most of the work depends on the parent?s changing these false programmings. He has no right to pressure the child for these selfish reasons. On the other hand, until he is able to free himself from these programmings, he can explain them to his child in an «I-message».

N17 ACTIVE LISTENING

Now the child himself obviously has a problem which is not allowing him to use his mental abilities to their full potential. His problem could have to do with conflicts within the family, conflicts with other children or with teachers at school, disappointments in love, lack of self-confidence, lack of proper nutrition, a disillusionment with society and the school system, as well as many other possibilities.

In such a case, the most effective method of communication is active listening. Let us look at some brief guidelines for active listening.

1) Let the other talk without interruption. Do not break his or her flow with your need to project your own ideas. When we interrupt others, we cut off their flow. This flow may bring to the surface the cause of the problem, which they themselves have not yet discovered.

2) Look into the other?s eyes and not away. Let your body be facing the person and not sideways. Show interest in what the other is saying, and in this way let him know that you are listening actively and carefully, and care about what he is saying.

3) Do not, in any case, criticize or start giving advice. This technique is like the «questioning» which Socrates used in order to bring out of the other the truth which was lying within him. It is extremely important not to criticise or disagree or reject during the active listening. At the end of the discussion we may state how we feel. After the discussion is completed, if we do not agree, we, of course, have the right to state so. But during the active listening do not stop the other?s flow with criticism or rejection.

4) Ask questions which help you to understand more clearly what the other is feeling. These question will help both you and the other (in this case, the child) to understand what the problem is. You can imagine that you are the other. Imagine how he feels, and what is going on in his life and you will be guided to the right questions to ask. Asking questions rather than giving advice may be difficult for some parents in the beginning. It is not easy, but most parents who have tried it have found it very effective and have been surprised by the results.

In some cases where the parent is performing this technique mechanically, the child may be surprised and react negatively, especially if he has learned to receive continual criticism from the parent, in which case the child will be on guard. But if the parent persists to show interest, and stops criticizing, at some point the child will open up. One must also be sensitive about the correct time and place to approach the child. Also a child must never be pushed against his will into discussing something which he does not want to. Eventually his need to come close to us will help him to open to us, if we accept the child as he is.

5) We may also affirm whether or not what we have understood from the child?s communication is correct. This technique is used by a whole school of psychologists to help a person open up and get clarity about what he is feeling. We simply repeat back to the child what he is telling us in our own words. This helps us to verify that we have understood what he is saying, and helps him to feel that we are accepting what he is saying. If he feels that we have not understood, he will try to explain to us in a different way. This will help both the parent and the child become more clear about what is bothering the child, or about what he thinks or feels.

These techniques for effective communication can do much to bring harmony and love to our relationships with our children. It is important that parents get started with this system immediately. No child is too young to understand this type of communication.

Because these techniques require a whole new way of thinking and communicating, we suggest that parents and teachers or any individuals who want to master them, seek out seminars which teach these methods with practical workshops.

Remember that the basis for all successful communication is love. Below you will find various examples of effective communication for various situations with children.

After each child has had a chance to express his feelings and opinions, and the opportunity to speak has gone around the circle a number of times and everything has been said, then the parent can ask for possible solutions as to how they can structure their lives and routine of living so as to avoid similar conflicts in the future. All of these solutions can be written down and then discussed. Eventually a combination of the various ideas can be adopted for a trial run to see how it works.

This group method of «brainstorming» for solutions to group problems had the advantage that each person feels that his ideas and needs have been respected in the creation of the solution. Even if his needs are not 100% met, he feels that at least he has been heard and considered and respected and allowed to participate. Thus his cooperation will be much greater and from the heart. Eventually the parent can close by asking the children how they would like the parent to act in such situations, if the children, in spite of their efforts, come into conflict again for some reason or other.

The basic obstacle towards such a way of handling conflicts between children is, on the one hand, the lack of time on the part of the parent and, on the other, the lack of ease the parent feels in handling such conflicts. We must learn that conflicts are natural in a world in which we all have different needs and different ways of seeing things. We tend to avoid talking openly about conflicts, which just makes them recur more and more often, because they are never brought out into the open and be solved. Many times conflicts occur about superficial or unimportant matters, when the real problem is about something else which has never been discussed. Handling conflicts in this open and honest way gives us a chance to deal with the real personality problems which are behind these superficial conflicts.

Communication is a lost art, one which must be regained through practice and by breaking free from the ineffective patterns which we have learned from our parents and from society.

Effective communication is a process of being constantly aware of what we are really feeling, and expressing it openly and honestly without blaming the others for what we feel. The other aspect of communication is to understand what the other person is feeling and thinking. Without mutual love, respect, understanding and atmosphere of equality, there can be no effective communication.

I again encourage parents, wishing to become more efficient in their communication skills, to take seminars on communication, in which they can practice those techniques under guidance. It is never too late to make the change. A parent might be 70 and the child 50 and they may still be caught up in the same old ego games they were 40 years ago. They would do well to free themselves of these obstacles to love and unity, and thus happiness.

N18 PUTTING OUR SELVES IN THE OTHER’S POSITION

Why this is so beneficial

When we are in conflict with others, or are feeling hurt or angry, we can often gain insight and peace of mind by putting ourselves in the their position. When we can imagine how the others must be feeling in order to act in the ways they do, we gain understanding, which simultaneously reduces our feelings of hurt and our anger and rejection towards them. Both our pain and anger are diminished through understanding.

Our understanding allows us to help others move through their negativity.

The virtue of understanding is a basic prerequisite for love and conscious love relationships.

A simple technique for gaining understanding is to:

We bring the other to mind and ask:

1. What must he or she be feeling in order to act in this way?

2. What must she or he not be getting from me which is causing this behavior?

3. What does he or she need from life which is causing this behavior?

4. What is she or he trying to protect with this behavior? (Perhaps security, self worth, freedom, certain pleasures?)

5.What would I have to feel in order to act this way?

6. If I were the other, how would I like to be healed in this situation?

N19 Examples of I-messages for Students

QUESTIONS FOR THE I MESSAGE

An effective I message requires that we first understand what we feel, need and think.

Imagine what your feelings, needs and thoughts might be in following situations. Then seek to form them into an I message.

The questions which you need to answer in each case are:

1. How do I feel about what is happening?

2. Which of my needs are not being fulfilled here?

3. What do I believe which makes those needs important to me?

4. Am I experiencing a inner need conflict here? If yes, what which are my needs which are conflicting?

5. What would I like to ask of the others? What cooperation, behavior, understanding do I need from them, and why?

Then we are ready to move on to active listening.

QUESTIONS FOR ACTIVE LISTENING

In order to think of the questions we would like to ask in order to help the child free him or her self from a disruptive or self destructive behavior, we first need to focus on the fact that this behavior is a natural response (a defensive or survival mechanism) to his environment – school, home and peer group.

We need to remember that his or her basic nature is goodness and a desire for learning and that these are distorted when he or she becomes emotionally blocked by various traumatic events or situations, which cause him or her to react in these negative ways.

Our goal is to try to discover those deeper internal factors which are causing this behavior and seek to help the child overcome them and reestablish his sense of self confidence and self esteem.

We will need a maxim of understanding, caring and a desire to help. We will need to be free from the tendency to take his or her behavior personally or take offense or be hurt.

It is equally important that the child feels that we will accept him or her no matter what he or she tells us and also that we will respect total confidentiality – in other words, that it is safe to open up to us.

Think of what types of questions you might want to ask concerning the following behaviors, after of course you have made your I – message.

What would you like to ask in order to understand:

1. What the child is feeling just before or during that behavior?

2. What the child is feeling in general in his life at this moment, and what is contributing to those feelings (Family situations, peer pressure, siblings, problems with other teachers, problems with us, personal doubts and fears etc.)?

3. What we can do to be of help?

4. What we might be doing which might be bothering him or her?

5. How he or she would like us to react if and when he or she falls into such behavior again?

6. If the behavior is inappropriate or unacceptable, what he or she considers a natural or logical consequence which would function as a corrective measure to help the child rid him or her self of that behavior pattern?

SITUATIONS & BEHAVIORS

1. Two or more children are talking while you are giving the lesson.

2. A child is making fun of another child.

3. A child is continually late for class.

4. A child is not performing as well as you know that he or she can.

5. A child speaks to you in a disrespectful manner.

6. A child is hitting another child.

7. The children are unruly in class.

COMMON FEELINGS

1. Fear that we are losing control of the classroom or the children and will not be able to perform our duty or will loose the general respect of the students or perhaps the faculty or headmaster.

2. Anger when we are not receiving the respect we feel we deserve.

3. Frustration when the children are not cooperating, not doing their work, not keeping our agreements.

4. Anxiety about our success as teachers and or our ability to achieve our goals.

POSSIBLE INNER CONFLICTS

1. The need to not burden the child with more feelings of rejection vs. the need to keep order in the class so that I can perform the duty for which I am being paid and in which I believe.

2. The need to aid the child in developing a suitable social behavior which will benefit him or her later in life, vs. the need not to hurt or suppress him or her.

3. The need to respond the children?s needs at a particular moment (restlessness, tiredness, boredom) vs. the need to cover the material which the children will need in order to proceed successful in school and life.

4. The need to enforce the school?s policies vs. the need to be true to myself when my own opinions might differ.

5. My need to give time and energy to a child who needs it vs. my need for personal time rest and recreation, preparation etc.

6. My need to treat the child with respect vs. my lack of energy and patience.

 

Life Lessons no 1- Self Suppression

Life Lessons no 1- Self Suppression

Posted on by Holistic Harmony

Life Stories and Lessons 
S1 Situation & Lessons No. 1 – SELF SUPPRESSION

Anna does whatever she is asked to do despite the fact that she doesn’t want to.

Feeling mistreated, she grumbles, complains and bursts out in anger every so often, because of the resentment which accumulates within her. Although she feels suppressed, she finds it impossible to say “No”. She is afraid that they will not love her any more, that they will reject her if she refuses what they request of her.

She believes that their “love” for her is based solely in the prerequisite that she comply with their every wish.

Her family members have gotten used to Anna in this role, and now take it for granted that she will do to anything they ask of her. Even though she complains, plays the role of the victim, and frequently declares she will do no more, they do not hear this, because her actions never follow her words. She has threatened often to stop doing whatever they ask, but has never once stopped. She does not know how to. She is afraid that she will loose their love. Also she receives her feelings of self worth from being the victim the martyr, the good person who is done injustice to, who has no time for personal needs.

Her husband and children could easily love her even if she didn’t do all these things, but they have simply gotten used to this situations and have found the easy solution to let Anna do everything, especially in the home. The truth is that in spite of all her complaining and threats, she has never asked them to all sit down to discuss the matter in a clear and effective manner.

And thus each stayed in his and her role until one day…



Then one day she thinks. “what kind of love is this which depends on whether I suppress myself, have no needs and do whatever they ask me. This is not love but bartering. I barter my freedom and needs and self respect for their acceptance and “love”. I will start expressing my needs and will say “Yes” only when I really feel it. Whoever really loves me will continue to do so.

But Anna at first was not comfortable at saying “no” and found her self saying it rather roughly and aggressively. Also she had suppressed herself for so many years, that she now wanted to do very few things that were asked of her. She felt each request an infringement on her freedom.

She had now come to the other extreme of behavior. She was uncooperative and aggressive.

Gradually Anna will realize that real freedom is giving out of love and not out fear. When we give out of fear of rejection, then we are not really giving but bartering whatever we are giving for the others’ acceptance.

Real giving is giving when we know we are free not to give, but chose to give out of love for the others.

She will then say “Yes”, about the same number of times she did in the past, but now she will be saying “yes” out of freedom and not out of fear, and she will feel no pressure and will be happy.

How can she manage that? What could her lesson be? Does she need to realize that she is lovable just as she is, even when she cannot respond to what others ask of her? Or does she need to learn to give as she is now, but out of love and not out of fear of rejection? Does she need to learn to let others be responsible for their reality? Or perhaps she needs to realize that she is worthy and lovable and good even when she in not a victim and even when she attends to her own needs?

*************************

 

You can download an ebook with 52 life situations and possible lessons that each might have in those situations at

 

https://www.armonikizoi.com/store/products/life-coach-2-situations-and-lessons

The situations included in that ebook are the following.

 

******************

 

 LIFE STORIES AND LESSONS

 

These contain possible lessons to be learned. The stories involve real-life scenarios and offer us a clearer and deeper understanding deeply our own life situations.

 

We are educators and believe in the information we are sharing with you. But we are not doctors and cannot take any responsibility for you health. Ultimately in all cases, even with your doctors, you are responsible for your health and must follow your inner voice concerning how to maintain your health or heal your self. If you have any doubt about any suggestions you find here, consult your doctor or simply do not employ them.

 

 

S01 Self Suppression  – Anna does whatever she is asked to do despite the fact that she doesn’t want to and then feels that she has been done injustice to.

 

S02  Super Woman – Katerina is very conscientious, a hard worker and reliable in all cases. No one knows she has needs and feels hurt.

 

S03  They Have Nothing In Common – They are married and have nothing in common.

 

S04  To Communicate Or Not – Melina solves her problems by talking and using her husband as a sounding board. He is aloof and prefers not to talk.

 

S05  Jealousy – Vasilis is very jealous of Efi and does not want her out of the house at all without him.

 

S06  Different Sexual Needs – She lost her desire for sexual contact very early in her marriage. He feels rejected and suppressed.

 

S07  He Doesn’t Love Me –  She is unhappy because her husband does not love her.

 

S08  Illness – Gina’s long standing illness has become a source of tension for all her family.

 

S09  Fear And Jealousy, Suppression And Reaction – She is not very sure of herself as woman. She doubts whether a man can stay interested in her.

 

S10  Social Life – He does not feel comfortable with people. She needs frequent social contact.

 

S11   Anger – Vicky never expresses her anger, but receives everyone else’s.

 

S12  Anxiety – She has continual anxiety about her children.

 

S13  Our Happiness Is Dependent On How The Other Is – Anastasia cannot feel well when her husband Antonis is one is not well.

 

S14  Shame – She often feels ashamed of her husband’s behavior.

 

S15  Does Not Keep Agreements – He says “YES” to what he is requested, but then does not do it.

 

S16  If They Loved Me, They Would Respond To My Needs. – Aliki is hurt and angry because no one in her family love her enough to respond to her needs.

 

S17  Perfectionism – Marina is a perfectionist and this annoys her husband, Dionisis.

 

S18  Mother In Law – Elias is caught between two women he loves, his wife and his mother.

 

S19  What To Do? – Argyro loves Stellios but she is not “in love” with him. He has proposed marriage. What she should do?

 

S20  Losing Weight And Smoking Cigarettes – He rejects her for being overweight and she retaliates about his smoking.

 

S21  Strength And Fear – Emotion And Logic – A few years ago she had an experience in which she almost fainted in the center of the City.

 

S22  Mirroring Negativity – Nikos had the need to share his problems with his wife when he arrived home from work.

 

S23  His Wife Is Missing From The House Continually – He feels rejected and demeaned by the fact that his wife is out of the house so much.

 

S24  A 30 Year Old Child – Both Froso and her husband experience inner and outer conflict because their thirty year old son has not yet become economically independent.

 

S25  Meaningful Work – He is dissatisfied with his work, and wants to stop. His wife is afraid he might leave it.

 

S26  Fear Of Death – Giorgos, now fifty two, had always been a strong a capable man. Now he fears death.

 

S27  Addiction – He is an alcoholic. Both he and his family suffer.

 

S28  Just Divorced – Margarita was just left by her husband who went off with another woman.

 

S29  Death Of Loved One – Sophia who is only 45, with three children, lost her husband three months ago.

 

 

THE LIFE SITUATIONS FROM NO. 30 AND ON ARE FROM THE BOOK

 The Psychology of Happiness

 

 

S30  Communication Problems – Anna enjoys sharing her feelings with her husband Paul. She also needs to know what he is feeling and thinking. When she is unable to communicate with him, she feels neglected and unloved.

 

S31 Anxiety About Grades – John and Barbara have three children in junior and senior school. Their house witnesses frequent battles concerning how much the children need to study and what grades are acceptable.

 

S32  Fear That He Is Having An Affair – Wendy is sure that her husband Mark is having an affair. She doesn’t have absolute proof but she just knows it in her heart. She is afraid and deeply hurt and disappointed. She feels rejected, demeaned, betrayed, quite insecure, not to mention angry.

 

S33  Alcoholic Father And Husband – Mary’s father was an abusive alcoholic. Her husband Tony is following in his footsteps. As is quite common, Mary has selected a husband who is simply a continuation of her father.

 

S34  Mother-In-Law – Phillip’s mother- in- law Olga has moved in. She tends to intrude into their lives, telling them what they are doing wrong and criticizing their behavior; especially concerning how they bring up their children.

 

S35  The Absent Spouse – Janice’s Husband Ted is seldom home. He prefers the office, the club and the bar. On the weekends he goes hunting with his male friends.

 

S36  Self Evaluation – Today Charles has discovered that his coworker Andy had a more successful professional year than he did. Andy sold more accounts and was commended and promoted by the company.

 

S37  Self Suppression – Susan suppresses herself in order to be accepted and loved. However, those around her don’t do the same. She feels mistreated. She feels hurt and mentally complains and criticizes. She feels that she is being done an injustice to, but he never shares this with others. For her, the others are not correct, because they treat her unjustly.

 

S38  The Intimidator – Elias is an Intimidator. He seeks to control others by making them fear him. He obstructs them from asking anything of him or from controlling him, by making them afraid to approach. He does this by shouting, intimidating, accusing, threatening and occasionally even resorting to physical violence. He uses other people’s fear and self doubt to control them.

 

S39  The Interrogator – Katherine plays the role of the interrogator.  She would have made a good lawyer. She controls others by playing with their need for her approval. She does this by criticizing, doubting, giving advice and, in general, creating doubt about the others’ ability or correctness in what they are doing.

 

S40  The Aloof – Manfred tends to withdraw into himself and seldom communicates his feelings, thoughts or needs. His wife and children find him to be aloof.  He distances himself from others, avoiding meaningful or honest emotional contact.

 

S41  The Victim – Martha, 75 years old, has identified with the role of the victim since she got married fifty years ago.  She plays on the others’ pity and guilt. When they are angry with her, she protects herself from their rage and aggression by playing the weak abused person, usually crying.

 

S42  Cannot Be Happy When Others Are Not – Tatiana is very sensitive and identifies emotionally with those close to her. She finds it very difficult to be happy when anyone near her is not well, either physically or emotionally. She feels responsible. She also believes that it is not proper to be happy when someone she loves is not well.

 

S43  Do Not Change My Program – Albert is a very organized person. He likes everything to be in its place and to be in control in all situations. In order to feel safe, he needs to be functioning within a program. He needs for this program to be airtight and not change.  If for some reason beyond his control what he has programmed should change, he loses his serenity and can become very negative and even threatening.

 

S44  Perfect, Strong And Conscientious – Janet is a superwoman. She is extremely capable, efficient and conscientious. When she has something to do, she will not rest until it is accomplished. She can not live with “matters pending”. She can rest only when they have been completed.

 

S45  Fear Concerning The Children – Nora has intense fears concerning her children’s welfare. She is afraid of their becoming ill and has nightmares about the possibility of their departing from their bodies. She also fears that they might become involved in drugs, be kidnapped, have an accident or in some way be harmed. She simply cannot handle the possibility of her children being harmed in any way.

 

S46  Parental Pressure – Steven is a student at a well-known university. He is not happy. He has lost interest in his major and does not want to continue. His parents will not even discuss the possibility of his not completing his degree. He is fast approaching a depressive state, as he sees no solution.

 

S47  Loud Neighbors – Beverly lives with her husband and children in an apartment building. The tenants upstairs seem have little awareness of or respect for others. They play their television and stereo quite loud until early hours of the morning and walk in such a way so as to create a loud tapping noises with their ever step.

 

S48  Good, Righteous And Spiritual – Paul is very much identified with the role of the “good, righteous and spiritual person”. That is not to say that he is not a good person, but that he bases his self worth on this fact and wants to appear even more “spiritual” than he is.

 

S49  Weak,   Incapable And Dependent – Hubert feels weak and incapable. He has been programmed in this way by a weak mother and a domineering and demeaning father. He has come to perceive himself as unable to face the difficulties of life.

 

S50  The Rebel The Revolutionary, The Negative, The Antagonist. – Jake is a rebel. He easily feels suppressed and reacts in ways to protect his freedom often from imaginary dangers. He believes that others cant to control him and prevent him from doing what he would like to do.

 

S51 <a href=”/archives/lessons/s_51.asp”>The Parent The Savior, The Teacher, The Responsible – Anthony is a “savior”. He feels responsible for all around him. He believes that he must save them and keep them well and happy. He cannot rest when someone he feels responsible for is not well or happy. He feels that he has failed in his “role”. Others can easily use or control him, by making him feel that he is responsible for their reality.

 

S52  The Guilty, The Sinner, The Bad, The Evil One – Susan has a tendency to feel guilty. She has been programmed to believe that she is unworthy, evil a sinner. This causes her to incessantly seek her self worth through others. She spends tremendous amounts of energy attempting to prove her self worth through her professional endeavors, her service to others.

 

 

 

 

Life Lessons no 2 – Super Woman

Life Lessons no 2 – Super Woman

Posted on by Holistic Harmony

Life Stories and Lessons
S2 Situation & Lessons No.2 – SUPER WOMAN

Katerina is very conscientious, a hard worker and reliable in all cases.

At work and at home she can be depended on to get things done. She often stays hours after work in order to get her work done, something which no one else in her office does.

When she gets home, she immediately starts out with the cooking, cleaning, dishes etc. Although the others are home even before she is, no one even thinks of helping out. Katerina will do all this. She is a perfectionist and although sometimes complains that no one helps, she in fact cannot relax when they do something. First of all they may not do it right. Secondly, she depends on the role of the super responsible and super capable person who can do everything to establish her self worth. This is how she has been programmed that she can ensure respect and love from the others. (The truth, however, is that only her boss is happy about it, because his work gets done correctly and quickly. Most of her coworkers and family members are annoyed by the tension which she creates in her super woman role.)

Even when she does allocate some responsibility to someone else, her anxiety for it to get done and be right forces her to do it before the other gets a chance. She is attached to both speed and perfection. She cannot relax when something is not completed or when something is not cleaned and in its place.

Except for putting up with her regular complaining that no one helps and an occasional outburst of anger, the others in the family and even at work have it easy. They have very little work to do, and depend on Katerina to get it done. Her occasional anger is a small price to pay for not having to do much work.

They sometimes feel sorry for her and want to help her, but do not know how. They cannot share her standards for order, cleanliness and speed of execution. These are not as important to them as they are to Katerina. And they have never had the opportunity to feel those needs, because everything has always been taken care by her before they could feel any lack.

Katerina’s husband Petro, is gradually losing his self respect, and depending more and more on Katerina for things to be done. She even has to take the car to get fixed because he leaves it for months. Her super woman role was gradually sapping him of all his self worth and he was becoming ever more lazy and irresponsible. He agrees to do things, but literally takes months to do them.

He eventually found himself spending more and more time with the men at the coffee house, playing cards and killing time. He was now avoiding contact with Katerina, who was a continuous reminder of his inadequacy. She was even making more money than him, and this was a blow to his manhood.

All this could have been predicted by anyone who was aware of the messages they received as children. Petro, the son of two very active and successful parents, was put off by their hyperactivity and simultaneously very doubtful that he could ever succeed in their eyes and by their measure. He was very fearful of failing. This fear of failure caused him to become blocked to learning or doing, and he spent most of his time playing games, something he could succeed at.

He heard from his parents on daily basis that he was lazy, incapable and would do nothing with his life. He now sought to make their words come true.

Katerina understood at a young age that her father wanted a son and not a daughter, and although she was much more intelligent and industrious than her younger brother, he got all the attention. Katerina, then decided to prove her worth to her father in men’s terms. She decided that she must succeed professionally and economically so as to be a “man” in her father’s eyes and have his attention and love. Thus she became super woman.

Gradually the Petro and the children become even more lazy and rebellious. They subconsciously felt the need to do even less. Many times although agreements were made and they wanted to keep those agreements, they subconsciously undermined them, never keeping them. This was a reaction to the pressure and rejection they were feeling from Katerina.

Now everyone was feeling the victim. Katerina was the victim of their laziness and irresponsibility, and they were victims of her bitterness, rejection and anger.

Then one day Katerina got ill. She was exhausted and seriously ill and needed support from her family both in her illness and also in getting things done around the home. She asked for help, but no one could hear her. There was no space in their minds for an ill super woman. They loved her and cared for her, but they could not hear her needs. She had never expressed weakness, fear, inability before, and this was just so foreign, that they felt so uncomfortable, that could not respond.

Now Katerina felt doubly hurt and abused. For so many years, she had taken care of all their needs, and now that she needed them, no one could respond. She felt bitterly hurt at the indifference she was facing.

What could they have all done to avoid this situation? What lessons do they need to learn?

Katerina: Does she need to learn that she is worthy of love and respect even if she is not a super woman? Or that she does not help others, when she does their work for them or does not let them take on their responsibilities? Perhaps she needs to learn to have faith in the others abilities or to allow others to grow through their mistakes? Does she need to learn express her needs, without complaining or accusing, and believe that it is natural that the others will want to support her in fulfilling her needs? Or perhaps to be able to rest when tired even when everything in not perfect around her?

Petro: Is his lesson to believe in himself and his intelligence and abilities? Or could it be that his self worth is not measured by his achievements but rather by his heart and his character? Does he need to learn to activate himself and offer more? Does he need to work on his childhood years and free himself from that false programming?

How about the others: Perhaps they need to learn to be more responsible and energetic in their responsibilities and work? Perhaps also to hear Katerina’s needs behind her complaints and accusations and help her out even when she does not have faith in how they will do it? Or even to hear and respond to her needs even when she cannot express them?

*************************

You can download an ebook with 52 life situations and possible lessons that each might have in those situations at

https://www.armonikizoi.com/store/products/life-coach-2-situations-and-lessons

The situations included in that ebook are the following.

 

 LIFE STORIES AND LESSONS

 

These contain possible lessons to be learned. The stories involve real-life scenarios and offer us a clearer and deeper understanding deeply our own life situations.

 

We are educators and believe in the information we are sharing with you. But we are not doctors and cannot take any responsibility for you health. Ultimately in all cases, even with your doctors, you are responsible for your health and must follow your inner voice concerning how to maintain your health or heal your self. If you have any doubt about any suggestions you find here, consult your doctor or simply do not employ them.

 

 

S01 Self Suppression  – Anna does whatever she is asked to do despite the fact that she doesn’t want to and then feels that she has been done injustice to.

 

S02  Super Woman – Katerina is very conscientious, a hard worker and reliable in all cases. No one knows she has needs and feels hurt.

 

S03  They Have Nothing In Common – They are married and have nothing in common.

 

S04  To Communicate Or Not – Melina solves her problems by talking and using her husband as a sounding board. He is aloof and prefers not to talk.

 

S05  Jealousy – Vasilis is very jealous of Efi and does not want her out of the house at all without him.

 

S06  Different Sexual Needs – She lost her desire for sexual contact very early in her marriage. He feels rejected and suppressed.

 

S07  He Doesn’t Love Me –  She is unhappy because her husband does not love her.

 

S08  Illness – Gina’s long standing illness has become a source of tension for all her family.

 

S09  Fear And Jealousy, Suppression And Reaction – She is not very sure of herself as woman. She doubts whether a man can stay interested in her.

 

S10  Social Life – He does not feel comfortable with people. She needs frequent social contact.

 

S11   Anger – Vicky never expresses her anger, but receives everyone else’s.

 

S12  Anxiety – She has continual anxiety about her children.

 

S13  Our Happiness Is Dependent On How The Other Is – Anastasia cannot feel well when her husband Antonis is one is not well.

 

S14  Shame – She often feels ashamed of her husband’s behavior.

 

S15  Does Not Keep Agreements – He says “YES” to what he is requested, but then does not do it.

 

S16  If They Loved Me, They Would Respond To My Needs. – Aliki is hurt and angry because no one in her family love her enough to respond to her needs.

 

S17  Perfectionism – Marina is a perfectionist and this annoys her husband, Dionisis.

 

S18  Mother In Law – Elias is caught between two women he loves, his wife and his mother.

 

S19  What To Do? – Argyro loves Stellios but she is not “in love” with him. He has proposed marriage. What she should do?

 

S20  Losing Weight And Smoking Cigarettes – He rejects her for being overweight and she retaliates about his smoking.

 

S21  Strength And Fear – Emotion And Logic – A few years ago she had an experience in which she almost fainted in the center of the City.

 

S22  Mirroring Negativity – Nikos had the need to share his problems with his wife when he arrived home from work.

 

S23  His Wife Is Missing From The House Continually – He feels rejected and demeaned by the fact that his wife is out of the house so much.

 

S24  A 30 Year Old Child – Both Froso and her husband experience inner and outer conflict because their thirty year old son has not yet become economically independent.

 

S25  Meaningful Work – He is dissatisfied with his work, and wants to stop. His wife is afraid he might leave it.

 

S26  Fear Of Death – Giorgos, now fifty two, had always been a strong a capable man. Now he fears death.

 

S27  Addiction – He is an alcoholic. Both he and his family suffer.

 

S28  Just Divorced – Margarita was just left by her husband who went off with another woman.

 

S29  Death Of Loved One – Sophia who is only 45, with three children, lost her husband three months ago.

 

 

THE LIFE SITUATIONS FROM NO. 30 AND ON ARE FROM THE BOOK

 The Psychology of Happiness

 

 

S30  Communication Problems – Anna enjoys sharing her feelings with her husband Paul. She also needs to know what he is feeling and thinking. When she is unable to communicate with him, she feels neglected and unloved.

 

S31 Anxiety About Grades – John and Barbara have three children in junior and senior school. Their house witnesses frequent battles concerning how much the children need to study and what grades are acceptable.

 

S32  Fear That He Is Having An Affair – Wendy is sure that her husband Mark is having an affair. She doesn’t have absolute proof but she just knows it in her heart. She is afraid and deeply hurt and disappointed. She feels rejected, demeaned, betrayed, quite insecure, not to mention angry.

 

S33  Alcoholic Father And Husband – Mary’s father was an abusive alcoholic. Her husband Tony is following in his footsteps. As is quite common, Mary has selected a husband who is simply a continuation of her father.

 

S34  Mother-In-Law – Phillip’s mother- in- law Olga has moved in. She tends to intrude into their lives, telling them what they are doing wrong and criticizing their behavior; especially concerning how they bring up their children.

 

S35  The Absent Spouse – Janice’s Husband Ted is seldom home. He prefers the office, the club and the bar. On the weekends he goes hunting with his male friends.

 

S36  Self Evaluation – Today Charles has discovered that his coworker Andy had a more successful professional year than he did. Andy sold more accounts and was commended and promoted by the company.

 

S37  Self Suppression – Susan suppresses herself in order to be accepted and loved. However, those around her don’t do the same. She feels mistreated. She feels hurt and mentally complains and criticizes. She feels that she is being done an injustice to, but he never shares this with others. For her, the others are not correct, because they treat her unjustly.

 

S38  The Intimidator – Elias is an Intimidator. He seeks to control others by making them fear him. He obstructs them from asking anything of him or from controlling him, by making them afraid to approach. He does this by shouting, intimidating, accusing, threatening and occasionally even resorting to physical violence. He uses other people’s fear and self doubt to control them.

 

S39  The Interrogator – Katherine plays the role of the interrogator.  She would have made a good lawyer. She controls others by playing with their need for her approval. She does this by criticizing, doubting, giving advice and, in general, creating doubt about the others’ ability or correctness in what they are doing.

 

S40  The Aloof – Manfred tends to withdraw into himself and seldom communicates his feelings, thoughts or needs. His wife and children find him to be aloof.  He distances himself from others, avoiding meaningful or honest emotional contact.

 

S41  The Victim – Martha, 75 years old, has identified with the role of the victim since she got married fifty years ago.  She plays on the others’ pity and guilt. When they are angry with her, she protects herself from their rage and aggression by playing the weak abused person, usually crying.

 

S42  Cannot Be Happy When Others Are Not – Tatiana is very sensitive and identifies emotionally with those close to her. She finds it very difficult to be happy when anyone near her is not well, either physically or emotionally. She feels responsible. She also believes that it is not proper to be happy when someone she loves is not well.

 

S43  Do Not Change My Program – Albert is a very organized person. He likes everything to be in its place and to be in control in all situations. In order to feel safe, he needs to be functioning within a program. He needs for this program to be airtight and not change.  If for some reason beyond his control what he has programmed should change, he loses his serenity and can become very negative and even threatening.

 

S44  Perfect, Strong And Conscientious – Janet is a superwoman. She is extremely capable, efficient and conscientious. When she has something to do, she will not rest until it is accomplished. She can not live with “matters pending”. She can rest only when they have been completed.

 

S45  Fear Concerning The Children – Nora has intense fears concerning her children’s welfare. She is afraid of their becoming ill and has nightmares about the possibility of their departing from their bodies. She also fears that they might become involved in drugs, be kidnapped, have an accident or in some way be harmed. She simply cannot handle the possibility of her children being harmed in any way.

 

S46  Parental Pressure – Steven is a student at a well-known university. He is not happy. He has lost interest in his major and does not want to continue. His parents will not even discuss the possibility of his not completing his degree. He is fast approaching a depressive state, as he sees no solution.

 

S47  Loud Neighbors – Beverly lives with her husband and children in an apartment building. The tenants upstairs seem have little awareness of or respect for others. They play their television and stereo quite loud until early hours of the morning and walk in such a way so as to create a loud tapping noises with their ever step.

 

S48  Good, Righteous And Spiritual – Paul is very much identified with the role of the “good, righteous and spiritual person”. That is not to say that he is not a good person, but that he bases his self worth on this fact and wants to appear even more “spiritual” than he is.

 

S49  Weak,   Incapable And Dependent – Hubert feels weak and incapable. He has been programmed in this way by a weak mother and a domineering and demeaning father. He has come to perceive himself as unable to face the difficulties of life.

 

S50  The Rebel The Revolutionary, The Negative, The Antagonist. – Jake is a rebel. He easily feels suppressed and reacts in ways to protect his freedom often from imaginary dangers. He believes that others cant to control him and prevent him from doing what he would like to do.

 

S51 <a href=”/archives/lessons/s_51.asp”>The Parent The Savior, The Teacher, The Responsible – Anthony is a “savior”. He feels responsible for all around him. He believes that he must save them and keep them well and happy. He cannot rest when someone he feels responsible for is not well or happy. He feels that he has failed in his “role”. Others can easily use or control him, by making him feel that he is responsible for their reality.

 

S52  The Guilty, The Sinner, The Bad, The Evil One – Susan has a tendency to feel guilty. She has been programmed to believe that she is unworthy, evil a sinner. This causes her to incessantly seek her self worth through others. She spends tremendous amounts of energy attempting to prove her self worth through her professional endeavors, her service to others.

Life Lessons no 3 – They Have Nothing in Common

Life Lessons no 3 – They Have Nothing in Common

Posted on by Holistic Harmony

Life Stories and Lessons 
S3 SITUATIONS AND LESSONS NO. 3 – THEY HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON
Voula and Makis have nothing in common.

They cannot communicate. Both feel lonely, disappointment and injustice. As they have completely different interests and opinions on just about everything, one would wonder why they got married in the first place.

That is the power of Erotas. His job is to get people together who have something to teach each other and something to learn from each other. He does this by making them blind to the fact that the other has many things which annoys us. When the effect of Erotas’ arrows pass and we wake up from our dream, we find our that we are married to a person who embodies many behaviors which annoy us and that often they have a completely different value system.

This is also augmented by the fact that Voula has begun to search for something deeper through self analysis and self knowledge seminars. She has begun to move in directions which Makis rejects. And thus the gap between them is widening.

Both feel cheated because they both want to be with someone who thinks like them and fits their mold of what a man or woman should be.

He wants her to be at home more, to attend to himself and the children exclusively. He wants her to pay more attention to her appearance and to agree with him on everything.

She wants him more sensitive, more expressive of what he is feeling. She would like to share her psychological and philosophical discoveries with him. He is not only not interested, but also intimidated by the fact that she has something else in her life besides him, and that she may even be able to be better at something than he is. This is unbearable for him as a man and thus he tries through the role of the “intimidator” to stop her.

Voula, after playing the victim for a number of years, has now with her psychological skills become the perfect interrogator, attacking back with her analysis of his fears and complexes, something which makes Makis even more outraged, and then he really gets into the intimidator role, even threatening her with physical violence, if she doesn’t stop that psychological stuff.

Where will this end if each does not learn his and her own lessons? What do they need to learn?

Voula: Is her lesson to try to help her husband feel secure with her? Perhaps show more interest is his interests? Are they both playing the game of who is right? Does she need to stop playing this game? Does she need to learn to use her analysis on her self only and not as weapon against her husband? Does she need to learn to sacrifice what she wants occasionally so that she can help him feel more secure and loved? Or does she need to follow what really interests her and let him be responsible for his reality? Or both? Does she need to remember that he is exactly the husband she needs for her growth process and that she is not the victim and that no mistake has been made, and that she couldn’t evolve better with someone else?

Makis: Does he need to become more secure in himself? More understanding and less fearful of his wife’s needs and activities? Does he too need to try out approaching his wife by partaking in her interests? Does he need to show her more affection and love? Does he need to reevaluate his prototypes for what a wife must be like so that he can accept his wife for what she is, rather than try to make her be what he would like her to be?

Both: Perhaps both need to remember that the other is their teacher. And to approach the other with love and an open mind and open heart. Both might need to let go of the game who is right, and put listening and loving above being right. Perhaps both need to be able to feel close to the other even when the other does not agree. This will take a high degree of inner security and self acceptance on both parts.

Both need to work with the exercises in this book very much.


*************************

 

You can download an ebook with 52 life situations and possible lessons that each might have in those situations at

 

https://www.armonikizoi.com/store/products/life-coach-2-situations-and-lessons

The situations included in that ebook are the following.

 

******************

 

 LIFE STORIES AND LESSONS

 

These contain possible lessons to be learned. The stories involve real-life scenarios and offer us a clearer and deeper understanding deeply our own life situations.

 

We are educators and believe in the information we are sharing with you. But we are not doctors and cannot take any responsibility for you health. Ultimately in all cases, even with your doctors, you are responsible for your health and must follow your inner voice concerning how to maintain your health or heal your self. If you have any doubt about any suggestions you find here, consult your doctor or simply do not employ them.

 

 

S01 Self Suppression  – Anna does whatever she is asked to do despite the fact that she doesn’t want to and then feels that she has been done injustice to.

 

S02  Super Woman – Katerina is very conscientious, a hard worker and reliable in all cases. No one knows she has needs and feels hurt.

 

S03  They Have Nothing In Common – They are married and have nothing in common.

 

S04  To Communicate Or Not – Melina solves her problems by talking and using her husband as a sounding board. He is aloof and prefers not to talk.

 

S05  Jealousy – Vasilis is very jealous of Efi and does not want her out of the house at all without him.

 

S06  Different Sexual Needs – She lost her desire for sexual contact very early in her marriage. He feels rejected and suppressed.

 

S07  He Doesn’t Love Me –  She is unhappy because her husband does not love her.

 

S08  Illness – Gina’s long standing illness has become a source of tension for all her family.

 

S09  Fear And Jealousy, Suppression And Reaction – She is not very sure of herself as woman. She doubts whether a man can stay interested in her.

 

S10  Social Life – He does not feel comfortable with people. She needs frequent social contact.

 

S11   Anger – Vicky never expresses her anger, but receives everyone else’s.

 

S12  Anxiety – She has continual anxiety about her children.

 

S13  Our Happiness Is Dependent On How The Other Is – Anastasia cannot feel well when her husband Antonis is one is not well.

 

S14  Shame – She often feels ashamed of her husband’s behavior.

 

S15  Does Not Keep Agreements – He says “YES” to what he is requested, but then does not do it.

 

S16  If They Loved Me, They Would Respond To My Needs. – Aliki is hurt and angry because no one in her family love her enough to respond to her needs.

 

S17  Perfectionism – Marina is a perfectionist and this annoys her husband, Dionisis.

 

S18  Mother In Law – Elias is caught between two women he loves, his wife and his mother.

 

S19  What To Do? – Argyro loves Stellios but she is not “in love” with him. He has proposed marriage. What she should do?

 

S20  Losing Weight And Smoking Cigarettes – He rejects her for being overweight and she retaliates about his smoking.

 

S21  Strength And Fear – Emotion And Logic – A few years ago she had an experience in which she almost fainted in the center of the City.

 

S22  Mirroring Negativity – Nikos had the need to share his problems with his wife when he arrived home from work.

 

S23  His Wife Is Missing From The House Continually – He feels rejected and demeaned by the fact that his wife is out of the house so much.

 

S24  A 30 Year Old Child – Both Froso and her husband experience inner and outer conflict because their thirty year old son has not yet become economically independent.

 

S25  Meaningful Work – He is dissatisfied with his work, and wants to stop. His wife is afraid he might leave it.

 

S26  Fear Of Death – Giorgos, now fifty two, had always been a strong a capable man. Now he fears death.

 

S27  Addiction – He is an alcoholic. Both he and his family suffer.

 

S28  Just Divorced – Margarita was just left by her husband who went off with another woman.

 

S29  Death Of Loved One – Sophia who is only 45, with three children, lost her husband three months ago.

 

 

THE LIFE SITUATIONS FROM NO. 30 AND ON ARE FROM THE BOOK

 The Psychology of Happiness

 

 

S30  Communication Problems – Anna enjoys sharing her feelings with her husband Paul. She also needs to know what he is feeling and thinking. When she is unable to communicate with him, she feels neglected and unloved.

 

S31 Anxiety About Grades – John and Barbara have three children in junior and senior school. Their house witnesses frequent battles concerning how much the children need to study and what grades are acceptable.

 

S32  Fear That He Is Having An Affair – Wendy is sure that her husband Mark is having an affair. She doesn’t have absolute proof but she just knows it in her heart. She is afraid and deeply hurt and disappointed. She feels rejected, demeaned, betrayed, quite insecure, not to mention angry.

 

S33  Alcoholic Father And Husband – Mary’s father was an abusive alcoholic. Her husband Tony is following in his footsteps. As is quite common, Mary has selected a husband who is simply a continuation of her father.

 

S34  Mother-In-Law – Phillip’s mother- in- law Olga has moved in. She tends to intrude into their lives, telling them what they are doing wrong and criticizing their behavior; especially concerning how they bring up their children.

 

S35  The Absent Spouse – Janice’s Husband Ted is seldom home. He prefers the office, the club and the bar. On the weekends he goes hunting with his male friends.

 

S36  Self Evaluation – Today Charles has discovered that his coworker Andy had a more successful professional year than he did. Andy sold more accounts and was commended and promoted by the company.

 

S37  Self Suppression – Susan suppresses herself in order to be accepted and loved. However, those around her don’t do the same. She feels mistreated. She feels hurt and mentally complains and criticizes. She feels that she is being done an injustice to, but he never shares this with others. For her, the others are not correct, because they treat her unjustly.

 

S38  The Intimidator – Elias is an Intimidator. He seeks to control others by making them fear him. He obstructs them from asking anything of him or from controlling him, by making them afraid to approach. He does this by shouting, intimidating, accusing, threatening and occasionally even resorting to physical violence. He uses other people’s fear and self doubt to control them.

 

S39  The Interrogator – Katherine plays the role of the interrogator.  She would have made a good lawyer. She controls others by playing with their need for her approval. She does this by criticizing, doubting, giving advice and, in general, creating doubt about the others’ ability or correctness in what they are doing.

 

S40  The Aloof – Manfred tends to withdraw into himself and seldom communicates his feelings, thoughts or needs. His wife and children find him to be aloof.  He distances himself from others, avoiding meaningful or honest emotional contact.

 

S41  The Victim – Martha, 75 years old, has identified with the role of the victim since she got married fifty years ago.  She plays on the others’ pity and guilt. When they are angry with her, she protects herself from their rage and aggression by playing the weak abused person, usually crying.

 

S42  Cannot Be Happy When Others Are Not – Tatiana is very sensitive and identifies emotionally with those close to her. She finds it very difficult to be happy when anyone near her is not well, either physically or emotionally. She feels responsible. She also believes that it is not proper to be happy when someone she loves is not well.

 

S43  Do Not Change My Program – Albert is a very organized person. He likes everything to be in its place and to be in control in all situations. In order to feel safe, he needs to be functioning within a program. He needs for this program to be airtight and not change.  If for some reason beyond his control what he has programmed should change, he loses his serenity and can become very negative and even threatening.

 

S44  Perfect, Strong And Conscientious – Janet is a superwoman. She is extremely capable, efficient and conscientious. When she has something to do, she will not rest until it is accomplished. She can not live with “matters pending”. She can rest only when they have been completed.

 

S45  Fear Concerning The Children – Nora has intense fears concerning her children’s welfare. She is afraid of their becoming ill and has nightmares about the possibility of their departing from their bodies. She also fears that they might become involved in drugs, be kidnapped, have an accident or in some way be harmed. She simply cannot handle the possibility of her children being harmed in any way.

 

S46  Parental Pressure – Steven is a student at a well-known university. He is not happy. He has lost interest in his major and does not want to continue. His parents will not even discuss the possibility of his not completing his degree. He is fast approaching a depressive state, as he sees no solution.

 

S47  Loud Neighbors – Beverly lives with her husband and children in an apartment building. The tenants upstairs seem have little awareness of or respect for others. They play their television and stereo quite loud until early hours of the morning and walk in such a way so as to create a loud tapping noises with their ever step.

 

S48  Good, Righteous And Spiritual – Paul is very much identified with the role of the “good, righteous and spiritual person”. That is not to say that he is not a good person, but that he bases his self worth on this fact and wants to appear even more “spiritual” than he is.

 

S49  Weak,   Incapable And Dependent – Hubert feels weak and incapable. He has been programmed in this way by a weak mother and a domineering and demeaning father. He has come to perceive himself as unable to face the difficulties of life.

 

S50  The Rebel The Revolutionary, The Negative, The Antagonist. – Jake is a rebel. He easily feels suppressed and reacts in ways to protect his freedom often from imaginary dangers. He believes that others cant to control him and prevent him from doing what he would like to do.

 

S51 <a href=”/archives/lessons/s_51.asp”>The Parent The Savior, The Teacher, The Responsible – Anthony is a “savior”. He feels responsible for all around him. He believes that he must save them and keep them well and happy. He cannot rest when someone he feels responsible for is not well or happy. He feels that he has failed in his “role”. Others can easily use or control him, by making him feel that he is responsible for their reality.

 

S52  The Guilty, The Sinner, The Bad, The Evil One – Susan has a tendency to feel guilty. She has been programmed to believe that she is unworthy, evil a sinner. This causes her to incessantly seek her self worth through others. She spends tremendous amounts of energy attempting to prove her self worth through her professional endeavors, her service to others.

 

 

 

 

Life Lessons no 4 – To Communicate or Not?

Life Lessons no 4 – To Communicate or Not?

Posted on by Holistic Harmony

Life Stories and Lessons 
S4 SITUATIONS & LESSONS No. 4 – TO COMMUNICATE OR NOT
 

Melina solves her problems by talking and using her husband as a sounding board.

She is also an interrogator. She has learned to get what she wants in a very subtle ways by using her logic and debating abilities to get her husband to see things the way she does, or do things in the way she would like.

This is essential for her, because she has many fears and is dependent on Kostas for her sense of security. Her father died when she was only two and she has now found both a husband and a father in Kostas. But she also needed things to go according to her beliefs in order to feel secure. Thus she has two basic prerequisites in order to feel secure. The one is for her to be able to control things so that they unfold as she believes they must in order to be safe. Secondly she must have Kostas by her side and convince him that her way is right.

Thus Melina became the perfect “lawyer” who would think out before hand each strategy concerning what she was going to say to Kostas to convince him.

Kostas had an overbearing mother who suppressed him and did not allow him any freedom of expression. He was suffocated under her strong personality. He moved into two roles to protect himself. First he would try the role of the “Aloof” ignoring her when she came asking something. When that did not work, he would resort to the “intimidator”, raising his voice and creating fear so that she would retreat and leave him alone. Otherwise he felt he was being controlled through all this talking.

Melina would then move into the role of the victim, feeling hurt that Kostas had raised his voice and spoken aggressively.

Each, controlled by needs carrying over from the childhood years, was now dead locked into a reoccurring game. Melina played the interrogator and then the victim in order to get what she wanted from Kostas so she could feel safe. Kostas played the Aloof and then the Intimidator in order to establish his freedom from control and pressure to do something he didn”t want to.

Another factor which aggravated the problem, was that both were also playing the “who is right” game. Each needed to be right and have the other accept that he or she was right.This caused them get locked for hours into endless rebuttals and counter rebuttals as each tried to prove his point. This usually ended up with Kostas shouting and leaving to play the Aloof and Melina’s going off to cry in the role of the victim.

What might they have to learn?

Melina: Does she need to learn to feel safe even when she cannot control people and events? Or to feel safe without Kostas? Or that she can feel her self worth without proving to the other that he is right? Does she need to find a better timing for when to approach Kostas? Perhaps she needs to work on her fear of abandonment created by her loss of her father as a child? Does she need to see how her need to control is pushing Kostas into the roles of intimidator and Aloof? Perhaps she needs to feel secure within herself? Or perhaps to try to discover what it is she might be doing which causes the other to not want to communicate ( not feel safe in communicating)? Or to learn to feel unity with the other even without verbal communication? Perhaps she needs to talk less or only about essential subjects? Or to have more self-confidence and not need so much the other’s approval?Or to be able to let some things pass and develop on their own without feeling the need to plan and control absolutely everything? Or to accept and love herself even when the he cannot respond? Perhaps to be able to express her needs and feelings clearly, lovingly and assertively? Or to become more interested in the others needs and not only in her need to talk? Or even to find new ways to create feelings of unity between them? Perhaps she needs to learn to leave him alone for a period of time and let him open up at his own rate?

Kostas: Does he need to learn to listen to Melina without fearing being controlled? Does he need to understand her needs and fears? Perhaps he needs to work with his own fears of being controlled especially by a woman? Perhaps if he gave more attention to Melina voluntarily, she would not need to approach him in the role of the interrogator for his attention? Does he too need to get free from the need to have the her accept that he is right?

How can they come together? Only through deep analysis of themselves can each find his lesson. Only when each finds his lesson and learns it can he get free. Chapters 2,3, 9,13,18 and 19 will be especially helpful.

 



*************************

 

You can download an ebook with 52 life situations and possible lessons that each might have in those situations at

 

https://www.armonikizoi.com/store/products/life-coach-2-situations-and-lessons

The situations included in that ebook are the following.

 

******************

 

 LIFE STORIES AND LESSONS

 

These contain possible lessons to be learned. The stories involve real-life scenarios and offer us a clearer and deeper understanding deeply our own life situations.

 

We are educators and believe in the information we are sharing with you. But we are not doctors and cannot take any responsibility for you health. Ultimately in all cases, even with your doctors, you are responsible for your health and must follow your inner voice concerning how to maintain your health or heal your self. If you have any doubt about any suggestions you find here, consult your doctor or simply do not employ them.

 

 

S01 Self Suppression  – Anna does whatever she is asked to do despite the fact that she doesn’t want to and then feels that she has been done injustice to.

 

S02  Super Woman – Katerina is very conscientious, a hard worker and reliable in all cases. No one knows she has needs and feels hurt.

 

S03  They Have Nothing In Common – They are married and have nothing in common.

 

S04  To Communicate Or Not – Melina solves her problems by talking and using her husband as a sounding board. He is aloof and prefers not to talk.

 

S05  Jealousy – Vasilis is very jealous of Efi and does not want her out of the house at all without him.

 

S06  Different Sexual Needs – She lost her desire for sexual contact very early in her marriage. He feels rejected and suppressed.

 

S07  He Doesn’t Love Me –  She is unhappy because her husband does not love her.

 

S08  Illness – Gina’s long standing illness has become a source of tension for all her family.

 

S09  Fear And Jealousy, Suppression And Reaction – She is not very sure of herself as woman. She doubts whether a man can stay interested in her.

 

S10  Social Life – He does not feel comfortable with people. She needs frequent social contact.

 

S11   Anger – Vicky never expresses her anger, but receives everyone else’s.

 

S12  Anxiety – She has continual anxiety about her children.

 

S13  Our Happiness Is Dependent On How The Other Is – Anastasia cannot feel well when her husband Antonis is one is not well.

 

S14  Shame – She often feels ashamed of her husband’s behavior.

 

S15  Does Not Keep Agreements – He says “YES” to what he is requested, but then does not do it.

 

S16  If They Loved Me, They Would Respond To My Needs. – Aliki is hurt and angry because no one in her family love her enough to respond to her needs.

 

S17  Perfectionism – Marina is a perfectionist and this annoys her husband, Dionisis.

 

S18  Mother In Law – Elias is caught between two women he loves, his wife and his mother.

 

S19  What To Do? – Argyro loves Stellios but she is not “in love” with him. He has proposed marriage. What she should do?

 

S20  Losing Weight And Smoking Cigarettes – He rejects her for being overweight and she retaliates about his smoking.

 

S21  Strength And Fear – Emotion And Logic – A few years ago she had an experience in which she almost fainted in the center of the City.

 

S22  Mirroring Negativity – Nikos had the need to share his problems with his wife when he arrived home from work.

 

S23  His Wife Is Missing From The House Continually – He feels rejected and demeaned by the fact that his wife is out of the house so much.

 

S24  A 30 Year Old Child – Both Froso and her husband experience inner and outer conflict because their thirty year old son has not yet become economically independent.

 

S25  Meaningful Work – He is dissatisfied with his work, and wants to stop. His wife is afraid he might leave it.

 

S26  Fear Of Death – Giorgos, now fifty two, had always been a strong a capable man. Now he fears death.

 

S27  Addiction – He is an alcoholic. Both he and his family suffer.

 

S28  Just Divorced – Margarita was just left by her husband who went off with another woman.

 

S29  Death Of Loved One – Sophia who is only 45, with three children, lost her husband three months ago.

 

 

THE LIFE SITUATIONS FROM NO. 30 AND ON ARE FROM THE BOOK

 The Psychology of Happiness

 

 

S30  Communication Problems – Anna enjoys sharing her feelings with her husband Paul. She also needs to know what he is feeling and thinking. When she is unable to communicate with him, she feels neglected and unloved.

 

S31 Anxiety About Grades – John and Barbara have three children in junior and senior school. Their house witnesses frequent battles concerning how much the children need to study and what grades are acceptable.

 

S32  Fear That He Is Having An Affair – Wendy is sure that her husband Mark is having an affair. She doesn’t have absolute proof but she just knows it in her heart. She is afraid and deeply hurt and disappointed. She feels rejected, demeaned, betrayed, quite insecure, not to mention angry.

 

S33  Alcoholic Father And Husband – Mary’s father was an abusive alcoholic. Her husband Tony is following in his footsteps. As is quite common, Mary has selected a husband who is simply a continuation of her father.

 

S34  Mother-In-Law – Phillip’s mother- in- law Olga has moved in. She tends to intrude into their lives, telling them what they are doing wrong and criticizing their behavior; especially concerning how they bring up their children.

 

S35  The Absent Spouse – Janice’s Husband Ted is seldom home. He prefers the office, the club and the bar. On the weekends he goes hunting with his male friends.

 

S36  Self Evaluation – Today Charles has discovered that his coworker Andy had a more successful professional year than he did. Andy sold more accounts and was commended and promoted by the company.

 

S37  Self Suppression – Susan suppresses herself in order to be accepted and loved. However, those around her don’t do the same. She feels mistreated. She feels hurt and mentally complains and criticizes. She feels that she is being done an injustice to, but he never shares this with others. For her, the others are not correct, because they treat her unjustly.

 

S38  The Intimidator – Elias is an Intimidator. He seeks to control others by making them fear him. He obstructs them from asking anything of him or from controlling him, by making them afraid to approach. He does this by shouting, intimidating, accusing, threatening and occasionally even resorting to physical violence. He uses other people’s fear and self doubt to control them.

 

S39  The Interrogator – Katherine plays the role of the interrogator.  She would have made a good lawyer. She controls others by playing with their need for her approval. She does this by criticizing, doubting, giving advice and, in general, creating doubt about the others’ ability or correctness in what they are doing.

 

S40  The Aloof – Manfred tends to withdraw into himself and seldom communicates his feelings, thoughts or needs. His wife and children find him to be aloof.  He distances himself from others, avoiding meaningful or honest emotional contact.

 

S41  The Victim – Martha, 75 years old, has identified with the role of the victim since she got married fifty years ago.  She plays on the others’ pity and guilt. When they are angry with her, she protects herself from their rage and aggression by playing the weak abused person, usually crying.

 

S42  Cannot Be Happy When Others Are Not – Tatiana is very sensitive and identifies emotionally with those close to her. She finds it very difficult to be happy when anyone near her is not well, either physically or emotionally. She feels responsible. She also believes that it is not proper to be happy when someone she loves is not well.

 

S43  Do Not Change My Program – Albert is a very organized person. He likes everything to be in its place and to be in control in all situations. In order to feel safe, he needs to be functioning within a program. He needs for this program to be airtight and not change.  If for some reason beyond his control what he has programmed should change, he loses his serenity and can become very negative and even threatening.

 

S44  Perfect, Strong And Conscientious – Janet is a superwoman. She is extremely capable, efficient and conscientious. When she has something to do, she will not rest until it is accomplished. She can not live with “matters pending”. She can rest only when they have been completed.

 

S45  Fear Concerning The Children – Nora has intense fears concerning her children’s welfare. She is afraid of their becoming ill and has nightmares about the possibility of their departing from their bodies. She also fears that they might become involved in drugs, be kidnapped, have an accident or in some way be harmed. She simply cannot handle the possibility of her children being harmed in any way.

 

S46  Parental Pressure – Steven is a student at a well-known university. He is not happy. He has lost interest in his major and does not want to continue. His parents will not even discuss the possibility of his not completing his degree. He is fast approaching a depressive state, as he sees no solution.

 

S47  Loud Neighbors – Beverly lives with her husband and children in an apartment building. The tenants upstairs seem have little awareness of or respect for others. They play their television and stereo quite loud until early hours of the morning and walk in such a way so as to create a loud tapping noises with their ever step.

 

S48  Good, Righteous And Spiritual – Paul is very much identified with the role of the “good, righteous and spiritual person”. That is not to say that he is not a good person, but that he bases his self worth on this fact and wants to appear even more “spiritual” than he is.

 

S49  Weak,   Incapable And Dependent – Hubert feels weak and incapable. He has been programmed in this way by a weak mother and a domineering and demeaning father. He has come to perceive himself as unable to face the difficulties of life.

 

S50  The Rebel The Revolutionary, The Negative, The Antagonist. – Jake is a rebel. He easily feels suppressed and reacts in ways to protect his freedom often from imaginary dangers. He believes that others cant to control him and prevent him from doing what he would like to do.

 

S51 <a href=”/archives/lessons/s_51.asp”>The Parent The Savior, The Teacher, The Responsible – Anthony is a “savior”. He feels responsible for all around him. He believes that he must save them and keep them well and happy. He cannot rest when someone he feels responsible for is not well or happy. He feels that he has failed in his “role”. Others can easily use or control him, by making him feel that he is responsible for their reality.

 

S52  The Guilty, The Sinner, The Bad, The Evil One – Susan has a tendency to feel guilty. She has been programmed to believe that she is unworthy, evil a sinner. This causes her to incessantly seek her self worth through others. She spends tremendous amounts of energy attempting to prove her self worth through her professional endeavors, her service to others.

 

 

 

 

LIST OF POSSIBLE ROLES

LIST OF POSSIBLE ROLES

Posted on by Holistic Harmony

LIST OF POSSIBLE ROLES AS WELL AS CONDUCTS, REACTIONS AND MECHANISMS CREATED AS A RESULT OF PAST CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCES, AND BELIEFS.

Note:
1. Obviously most persons will manifest a variety of roles and of course may not manifest all the beliefs and behaviors listed for each role.

2. Also there will be many behaviors and beliefs which we have not mentioned here.

3. The numbers listed in some cases refer the childhood experiences found in the LIST OF POSSIBLE CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCES.

ROLE 1.

THE GOOD, THE RIGHTEOUS,THE SPIRITUAL

Key: I am worthy and secure if I am, (or appear to be) righteous, good and spiritual.

A. Some possible behaviors.
1. Tries to appear good, or righteous using appropriate deeds, words, and conduct.
2. Suppresses himself and/or others to act ‘righteously’ , even he does not feel or to believe in what is he is doing.
3. Criticizes, rejects or accuses others [and, secretly, himself] for mistakes ,inconsistencies or “bad behavior”.
4. “Advertises” in various ways, events which show how good, righteous or superior he is.
5. Hides “evil” secrets perhaps sexual, or some other “sin”.
6. Plays the role of the savior, the teacher, the counselor, the parent, etc.
7. Could fight and even kill for the “his cause”.
8. Feels superior to others.
9. He can also play the role of the unjustly treated one.
10. Tends to be fanatical.

B. He may have inner or outer conflicts with the roles of the evil one, the rebel, the indifferent one, the

C. Some of the childhood experiences which might possibly lead one to this role are those which made the child feel:
1. Injustice, creating the need to never be unjust, and to always be right and correct.
2. Demeaned, criticized, accused ,hurt, or rejected, creating a need to prove his worth through the role of the righteous, the good, and the just.
3. Guilt, and especially in respect to the fear of punishment from God. He then experiences a great need to be perfect and to never allow others see his mistakes. This is often an outward projection which covers his secret “sins”.
4.Being compared with others, caused him to need to appear perfect to others, in order to have their acceptance.
5. As a child he felt ashamed for his parents, or he rejected them.
6. Experienced some important adult playing this role of the”good, spiritual or righteous one”.

Just about all childhood experiences can lead to this role.

D. Many possible combinations of beliefs lead to and sustain this role.
Some of them are:
1. I will be accepted only if I am right., good, or spiritual.
2. I must do what the others consider right and good in order to have their approval.
3. If I am not good and righteous, God will punish me (He might also punish my children).
4. If I am or appear good, righteous and/or spiritual, I am superior to others.
5. I am worthy only if I am superior.
6. I am no good and I am not worthy as I am, and I have to be “good” or at least appear good so that others love me and accept me.

ROLE 2

THE PERFECT, THE CAPABLE,THE STRONG.

Key: I am worthy and safe if I am[or appear to be] capable, strong, perfect.

A. Some possible behaviors.
1. Takes over more responsibilities and activities than he is able to handle effectively in a relaxed way, with concentration, love, and without this gradually causing a negative effect on his emotional or physical state.
2. He seeks to “advertise” directly and indirectly how much he has done and how perfectly he can do it, i.e. How superior he is, and how worthy he is. He finds it difficult to give responsibilities to others, to trust that they will do something right or that they can solve their own problems.
3. He finds it difficult to allot responsibilities to others or to have faith in their abilities.
4. He finds it difficult to co operate with others:
a. So as to avoid sharing the results and the recognition.
b. Because the other might make a mistake and ruin the results and thus the recognition.
5. Criticizes, rejects and sometimes attacks weakness in others (and subconsciously in himself). Other peoples’ mistakes and weaknesses remind him of his own, which he cannot accept.
6. He finds it difficult to express his needs, fears or his pains, as they might be construed as weakness.
7. He might laugh when normally he would like to cry.
8. He can disregard the needs of those closest to him, so that he can achieve much, appearing strong and successful to others.
9. He might engage in dubious means in order to succeed.
10. He might confuse power with cruelty and senselessness.
11. He finds it difficult of express his needs or to accept help even if he is ill.
12. He finds it difficult to accept presents. He wants to give always more than he receives, in order to have always the upper hand in the transaction
13. He finds it difficult to express tenderness, affection and love, because he considers these expressions of weakness.
14. He might get entangled in obsessive thoughts, actions and obsessive various rituals while searching for perfection.

B. He might have an external or internal conflict with the roles of the weak, the unable, the lazy, the guilty, the unworthy, the victim, the child, the fearful, the sick, the indifferent ,the rebel, the subordinate, and the demeaned

C. Some of the childhood experiences that might possibly lead one to this role might be any of the following:
1. Feeling rejected concerning his abilities.
2. Feeling Injustice, pain, feeling demeaned or hurt, because of:
a. specific weaknesses he had.
b. his weakness in comparison to the power of the adults.
3.Feeling shame or rejection towards a parent and thus, the need to look like and to become a “successful” person.
5. Being compared with others.
6. Being made to feel guilty, that he is not good or he is not worthy.
7. Being abandoned, or feeling that he is alone in the world without support and thus he would have to be strong in order to survive.
8. He got the message that he is weak, lazy, incapable, and that he will not do anything at all in his life, and he will not be be accepted and secure.
9. He did not receive the affection, the love and the tenderness he needed so he decided to become strong, so that he “will not” need it.
10. He experienced sick people who were a burden for the others and decided not to be the same.
11. He experienced that weakness and need lead to dependency on and to suppression by those he was dependent on, and he decided not to need anyone, so as not to loose his freedom.
12. He came across a significant adult who played this role.

More often from experience: no 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,12, 13,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,25,27,30,31.

D. Some beliefs leading to this role:
1. I am worthy and secure only if I am strong, capable or perfect.
2. If my weaknesses or mistakes are apparent.
a. Others will reject me, they will demean me, they will ridicule me. I will lose their respect and their love.
b. I will be abandoned.
c. I will be used.
d. They will control me. They will have power over me and I will lose my freedom.
3. Whoever has weaknesses:
a. Is not worthy.
b. Is vulnerable and he will get hurt, he will suffer from the others and from life.
4. Life is difficult, hard and there is no protection ,or support. I must be strong in order to survive.
5. I am the only force in my life.
6. Others are incapable of doing anything right. I cannot trust them. They will ruin the results.
7. My strength, my capability, and my perfection are measured by the results of my efforts and not so much by my motives or my effort itself.
8. One’s worth depends upon his capabilities and his achievements.
9. I must be perfect in everything in order to be worthy.

ROLE 3

THE VICTIM, THE ABUSED, THE MARTYR

Key 1. Others created my reality and are to blame for my present situation.
Key 2. Since the abuser is unjust and wrong, the abused is just and right, and therefore, virtuous and good.
Key 3. I do not deserve something better. I cannot have anything better in my life.

A. Some possible conducts:
1.He does not express his feelings or his needs. Therefore others do not respect them and thus, he gains the right to remain in the role of the victim
2. He often sacrifices himself, even when others do not ask him to or even do not want him to.
3. He does not allow himself time for rest, enjoyment, recreation, or techniques which might bring him health, vitality, peace, and happiness. Happiness is not “allowed” in this role.
4. He often complains about life’s injustices and problems.
5. He finds a lot of reasons why his problems cannot be solved or why he cannot do anything to solve them.
6. He expects others to solve his problems.
7. He is more prone to illness or pain. He may also be able to endure or suffer these pains. These wounds of the “hero, received from the battle of life” make him feel worthy.
8. Occasionally, he is a “silent victim” or a “silent martyr” and he suffers without either expressing his pain in words, or his needs.
9. He usually withdraws when there are conflicts of needs or values, he might remain a silent victim or complain directly or indirectly.
10. Some of the weapons he uses to protect himself are:
a. Sickness, which forces others to pay attention to him and not ask much from him.
b. Sickness, pain and/or unhappiness, for which the others are to blame, and thus they are guilty and he is okay.
c. Whining and complaining without effective direct confrontation.
11. Complaining to a third party, about the problems he has with others.
12. He might undermine himself with alcohol, food, cigarettes, medicine, drugs etc.
13. He might test the love of the people nearer to him with a negative behavior which in the end pushes them away, and once more this event confirms to him that he is a victim.

B. He might have a conflict both internally or externally with the roles of the strong, the superior, the bad, the rebel, the parent, the child, the judge, and the liberated..

C. Some important childhood experiences that could possibly lead in such a role are:
1. Some form of injustice from the environment (criticism, fear, rejection, punishment, beating, violence, rape, pain, hurt, humiliation e.t.c.] 2. His inability to protect himself.
3. A parent or another important person playing this role.
4. Someone who made the child feel guilty and responsible for others’ problems.
5. Guilt through messages from his environment, that he is not worthy of having a good and a happy life.
6. Born female in discriminating countries and being programmed that because she is a woman she does not deserve something better.
7. Being born into a social class which is discriminated against.
8. Not being able fulfill his needs as a child.
9. Being a child was the only way for him or someone else, to have the attention of the others[ e.g. through illness or through problems].
10. When as a child he believed that he is responsible for how others are or feel, and that he must sacrifice himself for them.
11. As a child he believed that he needs the others and without them he cannot survive or progress .Therefore he must suppress himself in order to have their love and their protection.
12. He was a spoiled child and now cannot always have what he wants.

Often through the experiences: No 1,2,3,4,5,6,8,9,11,12,14,15,16,17,18, 19,20,22,23,24,25, 26,28, 29,30,31.

D. Beliefs which might lead in such a role:
1. Others are responsible for my reality, my problems, my happiness and my unhappiness, my health and my sickness.
2. I have been unjustly treated by others, life, God.
3. I do not deserve anything better. I cannot have anything better.
4. As long as I am a victim I am right, because the others are unjust. As long as I am a victim then I am right and I am worthy, perhaps even superior.
5. I cannot protect my self from others. If there is a conflict I will get hurt, I will be in pain. It is better to withdraw and to suppress and sacrifice my self.
6. I am responsible for others so I must sacrifice myself for them.
7. I am a subordinate being and I do not have the right to express my needs, my feelings, or my beliefs.
8. If I do not withdraw I will be hurt.
9. I am incapable of facing life alone. I need the others, and for this reason I must suffer injustice so as not to be abandoned.
10. I am guilty and I do not deserve anything better.
12. I am a woman and my role is to sacrifice my self.

ROLE 4

THE WEAK, THE UNABLE, THE SICK, THE CHILD, THE DEPENDENT, INCAPABLE

Key: I am not able to face the difficulties of life.
Key 2: Life is difficult and dangerous.

A. Some possible behaviors.
1. He tries to find someone to take over the responsibility for his life (possibly someone who plays the role of the parent, the savior, the teacher, the strong e.t.c)
2. He becomes lazy as a result of fear.
3. He may become physically paralyzed (mainly in the legs) or emotionally (He cannot work, or sometimes, even to go out of the house.)
4. He becomes ill in order not to face life.
5. He avoids finishing school; he does complete his diploma, so he “cannot” face life.
6. He ruins his chances for success, health, and happiness, by getting addicted to alcohol, cigarettes, overeating, narcotics etc.
7. He gets trapped in various obsessive habits, thoughts and rituals engaging his time and his thoughts in order to not be aware of life around him.
8. He creates codependent relationships where he feels that must have the other and often he feels suppressed and abused by him/her.
9. He absorbs himself in various activities with the intention of occupying his mind and his time in order not to face life.
10. He avoids people or seeks company with specific people with whom he feels secure.
11. He praises and flatters others so that they will accept him, and then he can lean on them.
12. He accuses others for his present situation, so that they will feel guilty and take care of him.
13. He often asks for financial support. He finds it difficult to remain in a specific job.
14. He finds it difficult to be punctual and efficient towards responsibilities, disciplines programs and partnerships, not because he is incapable of doing so, but because then, his thoughtform will not be valid anymore and he will be a responsible person. If he becomes responsible then there is the danger:
a. That he might fail and then he would feel rejection again.
b. He would need to face life alone, and this is a great “risk and danger” because he doesn’t have self acceptance.
15. He uses his health, his unhappiness or even his life (commits suicide) to “blackmail” the ones he feels “responsible” (usually his family) to take care of him and to take responsibility for him.
16. He underestimates his abilities and his virtues.
17. He does not want to grow up and to have responsibilities.
18. He tests the others’ love in various ways.
19. He speaks of how incapable, bad and unworthy he is and how much he is a burden for others. So, whoever is listening to him would tell him the opposite and thus he would gain affirmation.

B. He may have an internal or external conflict with the role of the parent, the teacher, authority, the savior, the victim, the powerful, the perfect , the right, and the capable.

C. Some childhood experiences leading to similar roles:
1. He did not receive the care, attention, love, and / or affection he needed as a child. Now he receives them through this role.
2. He had a very powerful and successful person as an ideal and he does not believe he can attain that level of achievement.
3. He experienced violence, criticism, accusation, rejection, rape, danger, or comparison with others.
4. He was spoilt and was not allowed to do anything, to confront anything, to take any responsibilities.
5. He was told he was lazy, good for nothing, and that he would not be able to achieve anything in his life.
6. He experienced many illnesses as a child and the thoughtform of being weak , and needing protection ,was created as a result.
7. He had older siblings responsible for him and he did not cultivate abilities of his own.
8. He was forced to take over a lot of responsibilities as a child. And because he did not enjoy either the freedom of being a child, nor support from another, now he has the need to have this experience. He wants to be a child and to be taken care of.
9. He experienced very strict parents who did not permit him any form of expression and freedom.
10. His parents gave him the message they expected much from him in life, as he is a “special child”.

More often from the experiences : No 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,12,13,14,15,16,17,18, 19, 20,21, 22,24,25,26,27,28,29,30,31.

D. Some beliefs that may lead towards these roles:
1. I am unable to face the difficulties of life.
2. I am not able to fulfill my parents expectations.
3. They will reject me if I try and fail. It is better not to risk it.
4. Life is difficult and dangerous.
5. I need my parents (or my partner, siblings etc.) in order to feel safe . Without them I am in danger.
6. I am weak, I am not clever or talented. I do not have any qualifications. I am not worthy and I will not be able to succeed.
7. I do not have the discrimination in order to take my own decisions. I need the others to tell me what to do.
8. If I grow up I will have to take responsibility for my life.
a. I will lose my purity. Grown ups are wicked and immoral. God will not love me .
b. I will fail.
c. Others will not take care of me.
d. I will be fatigued, I will be deprived of my easy living.

ROLE 5

THE GUILTY, THE SINNER, THE BAD, THE EVIL ONE
Key 1: I am guilty, I am a sinner, I am no good.
Key 2: I am not worthy of love , acceptance, or help from man or God.
Key 3: I am in danger (I am unprotected, subject to punishment)

A. Some possible ways of conduct:

EFFORT
1. He tries to prove his worth through:
a. Professional and social success.
b. Good deeds and sacrifices towards others.
c. Service towards others.
d. Speaking of his good actions.
e. Says how bad and incapable he is so that others around him will tell him the opposite.
f. Rejects, criticizes, accuses others for their sins and guilt.

SELF DESTRUCTION
2. He undermines his health, happiness, success and the progress in his relationships:
a. By becoming addicted in food, sweets, alcohol, cigarettes, medicines, sedatives, drugs anything which would “numb” his mind, so as avoid experiencing pain and fear.
b. Breaks his relationships, usually testing the others’ love and the dedication with negative behavior, in order to push them away and to prove once more that “no one” can love him.
c. Sabotages his successes at the last minute, breaks or tests relationships in various ways.
d. He does not make efforts which might him liberate himself from his problems.

SURRENDERING TO THE ROLE
3. He acts as the “guilty, the bad, the cruel, the sinner, the incapable”
a. He does not take the others’ needs into consideration.
b. He becomes “selfish” without feelings for others.
c. He commits crimes (lies, cheats, steals, kills, takes advantage of).
d. Criticizes, accuses, rejects and hurts others.
e. Generally he becomes “bad” out of bitterness, guilt and self rejection.
f. He hates “goodness” and fights against it.
4. He takes on a lot more work than he is able to execute in a peaceful manner, and looses his love and also his health in order to prove his worth.
5. He becomes easily upset, stressed and angry. He expects the worst from every situation or problem.
6. He cannot be at peace when others are not happy or satisfied, as he feels it is his fault.
7. Allows others to abuse him.
8. He does not allow time for his personal well being.
9. Sees everyone as superior, better than him.
10. Lives with the concept of a continuous “must” in his mind. He does a lot of things because he must in order to be “good” and not because he loves doing it, or even wants to do it.
11. He cannot accept criticism at all, or even advice, because this would arouse his already present feelings of self rejection.
12. He might demand of himself to be perfect in some area of his life (usually cleanliness, tidiness and appearance).
13. He perceives himself as selfish and he rejects himself for that.
14. He finds it difficult to ask for help, as he does not “deserve” it.
15. He finds it difficult to see, to hear about or accept his qualities.
16. He is afraid that “punishment” will arrive sometime soon. “Life cannot be beautiful” .
17. He is afraid of illness and of death (forms of punishment).
18. He finds it difficult to say “no” or says “no” in an angry way because of fear of saying “no.”
19. He gets angry when he does not receive acceptance from others – then he feel unworthy.

B. He may have an internal or external conflict with the roles of the bad, the right, the child, the parent, the capable, the perfect, the weak, the savior, the teacher, and the role of any authority.

C. Some childhood experiences which may lead one to these roles are:
1. The child he received the message that he is bad, unworthy, guilty or was rejected in various ways:
a. He was told so by their criticism, their accusation and by their rejection.
b. The parent himself was guilty, not good, rejected.
c. She was a girl, or child born in a certain social class, religion, or race which was considered subordinate.
d. He was told that has badly “sinned”.
e. He was told that God does not pardon, but rather, punishes the guilty.
f. His parents had serious problems and were unable to demonstrate stability and love towards their children, so the child concluded that “I am not worthy -I am bad”
g. The parents did not have time for the child.
h. A parent died and the child took it as an abandonment or as a punishment.
2. The child experienced violence or cruelty. The child came to a conclusion that “I am guilty – the others are right”
3. They caught the child playing with his genitals (alone or with other children) and he was told that he committed a sin, that he was evil.
4. Someone was hurt and the child was told that it was his fault.
5. The child was frequently told about his guilt and about God’s punishment.
6. The child was sexually approached / molested and he/she felt guilty, that it was his/her fault.
7. He hated someone for the other’s conduct and finally the other died or some other calamity befell him .The child feels he is responsible.
8. He was programmed to feel responsible for others in general, and for whatever bad may befall them.

More frequently form experiences such as: No. 1,,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,11,12,13, 14,15,16,17,18,19,21,22,23,24,25,30,31.

D. Some beliefs that may lead to wards these roles:
1. I am guilty ,bad, and I am not worthy because:
a. I have sinned .
b. I was not given love and affection by others and this means that I am not worthy.
c. I was told by others that I am not worthy.
d. I was abandoned by others (or they died) which means that I am not worthy (or that they do not love me; or it was God’s punishment).
e. I failed to become perfect.
f. I failed to satisfy others.
g. I failed to protect others.
h. I failed to create a reality without problems for the others (then siblings, now children , partners, parents)
i. I belong to a subordinate sex, race, religion, social class.
j. I am not clever, capable, successful.
k. God does not love me (I was told by my parents, grandparents)
l. Whoever makes mistakes is guilty, a sinner.

3. God does not pardon, he hates and punishes the sinners, my mistakes cannot be pardoned.
4. Whoever makes mistakes does not deserve to have a good time, to have good health, to be happy, successful, and be respected.
5. I am responsible for how others feel and I am guilty if they are not happy and satisfied.
6. I am guilty when others criticize or accuse me or when they complain or are not happy.
7. I am unworthy when others do not trust me.
8. I am unworthy when I do not reach my goals.
9. I am unworthy because:
a. eat too much.
b. smoke.
c. drink alcohol.
d. do not work hard enough.
e. my children have problems.
f. others are not satisfied with me.
g. I don’t do what I could do
h. do not help as I much as I could.
i. have sexual urges.
10. I am unworthy no matter what I do.
11. I do not deserve that others would respect my needs.
12. I will be punished. Something bad will happen to me or to my family..
13. All others are good, I am unworthy.
14. I must do a lot more than others in order to be worthy.
15. When I am criticized or someone raises his voice at me, means that I am in danger and not worthy.
16. I must be perfect (in cleanliness, tidiness, order, appearance) to be deserve love and acceptance.
17. I am selfish.
18. I do not have the right to ask others for help.
19. No one can love me.
20. I do not have the right to say “no”.

ROLE 6

THE PARENT THE SAVIOR,THE TEACHER,THE RESPONSIBLE

Key 1: I am responsible for the others’ reality.
Key 2: Without me. the others cannot progress, cannot be well.
Key 3: Its my fault if the others are not well.

A. Some possible conducts:
1. He gets worries about others. He becomes stressful about their situations and their problems.
2. He advises them and he tries to control them, he even exerts pressure on them (for “their own good”, or prevents them making a mistake and thus possibly ruining his “results”).
3. He criticizes and rejects others when they make mistakes or when they do not follow his directions or orders.
4. He gives advise even to those who do not ask for it .
5. He cannot feel at peace when others have problems. He thinks he has to solve their problems himself.
6. He gets disappointed when others do not follow his advice.
7. He rejects himself for not being able to “save’ others , or to solve their problems.
8. He attracts to himself people with problems.
9. He finds it difficult to confess or express his weaknesses, his needs, his fears or his problems . He fears that in doing so, others will see his faults and lose respect for him.
10. He finds it difficult to express his feelings.
11. He ignores his own problems and he occupies himself with the problems of others.

B. He may have internal or external conflicts with the roles of the child, the rebel, the bad, the guilty, the suppressed, the victim, and with other people who also play the role of the teacher, the savior or the parent.

C. Some childhood experiences leading to roles such as these are:
1. He experienced someone who played this role in his childhood environment.
2. He was programmed that to be worthy he should:
a. posses a powerful position.
b. advise others.
c. be cleverer than others.
d. save others.
e. not have problems.
f. sacrifice himself for the whole.
3. As a child he experienced pain, injustice, was humiliated because of some weakness, and he decided not to ever experience that role again, so he takes the role of the superior one – the one with no problems.
4. He was programmed to feel responsible for others and for whatever is happening to them. He now continues playing this role as an adult.
5. He felt shame and rejection for one or more of his parents and he thus decided not to become like him/her, but to be superior to them.
6. He experienced abandonment and now he tries to find a way of making himself indispensable to others.
7. He did not experience enough affection, tenderness or love and he is seeking to find these through these roles.
8. He was made to doubt his worth and he is searching through these roles to find it.
9. As a child he had to look after a sick person and he is continuing in the same role.
10. He was told that he would not achieve anything in his life and now he is trying to prove them wrong.
11. He had a teacher or a parent who did not play his role well, and the child decided to play the same role correctly when he grows up.
12. Others were not trustworthy or punctual and he decides to take a power role.
13. He experienced suppression, now using these roles, he feels freer.

Usually from experiences. No 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,11, 12,13,15, 16,17,18,19, 20,21,22, 23, 25,26, 27,29,30,31.

D. Some beliefs which might sustain these roles are:
1. I am responsible for the others’:
a. health
b. happiness.
c. success.
d. harmony.
e. evolution.
f. security.
g. for whatever is happening to them.
2. If I am not able to create a perfect reality for them, I have failed in my role and I am not worthy.
3. If others are not happy with me, I have therefore failed and I am not worthy.
4. If others do not trust me, I am not worthy.
5. If others do not listen to me, do not obey me, do not follow my advice, then I am incapable in this role, and I am unworthy.
6. If I am no good in my role, I will not be respected , I will be unworthy of their esteem. I will end up alone. I am in danger.
7. If I am not in control of things around me, anything can go wrong. I cannot trust others. If I am not in control, I am in danger.
8. If I show weakness or needs or if I have vices:
a. I will be rejected, I will not be wanted, I am in danger.
b. My weaknesses will be used as a means to hurt me, I am in danger.
9. I am worthy only if I am in the position of authority- i.e. teacher, savior, parent. Only then can I feel safe and secure.
10. If I am needed (as a teacher, a parent, a savior), I will not be abandoned . I will not be alone.
11. Alone, I am in danger.
12. If I am needed, I will be loved and I will receive what I need from others.
13. In this role I can be in control.

ROLE 7

THE REBEL THE REVOLUTIONARY,THE NEGATIVE,THE ANTAGONIST.

Key 1. My freedom and justice are in danger.
Key 2: I have to fight for freedom and justice.
Key 3: I need the others.

A. Some possible conducts:

REACTION
1. Does the opposite of:
a. What he is told.
b. What he thinks others want from him.
c. “Must do”
d. What society asks
e. What is “right” , “good”.

SELF DESTRUCTION
2. He is destructive to himself
a. using various substances; food, alcohol , cigarettes, medicine, sedatives, drugs.
b. by having relationships with negative people who as a result ruin his happiness.
c. by avoiding success by being inconsistent, reacting negatively, being lazy.
d. by fighting against others.
In these ways he rejects his parents’ and society’s concept of happiness and “success”.
Self destruction is also a “weapon” he uses to hurt those who have suppressed him and treated him badly.

BATTLE
3. He fights against those whom he considers “bad – evil” people, or the unfair and abusers, top dogs.
a. Criticizes, accuses, rejects, and wants to change people he thinks represent evil or authority.
b. Behaves aggressively or violently.
c. In every discussion he will find something he doesn’t agree with. Whether the subject is important or not, is irrelevant. (Inwardly he might even agree.)
d. Presses others to believe what he believes. He finds it difficult to experience unity with those who have different beliefs or habits.

NON PARTICIPATION
4. He does not participate in social functions or in whatever he considers a source of injustice such as:
a. Church, religion, spirituality, philosophy.
c. Socially accepted activities
d. Socially accepted dress
e. Language of the norm.
f. Money.
g. Family activities.

INNER CONFLICT
5. In reality, he is not in conflict with others, but with a part of himself that still:
a. Accepts social, religious, political beliefs.
b. Believes he needs to do or have what the society says to be worthy and secure.
c. Is afraid to be alone without the affirmation and protection of those very ideas he rejects.
d. He rejects the part of himself which resembles to others. When he is liberated from these inner conflicts, he will not need to react outwardly any more.
6. He tests the others’ love with a negative behavior.
7. He does not admit being grateful, and pretends not to be .

B. He is in frequent conflict with the roles of the righteous, the good, the savior, the teacher, the parent ,and authority.

C. Some childhood experiences possibly leading to similar roles:
1. Suppression from parents, teachers and others.
2. Injustice, rejection, humiliation, hurt, criticism. Violence towards himself or towards others in his environment.
3. He has lived social injustices e.g. military occupation, dictatorship, racism.
4. He experienced an adult who played these roles (rebel, revolutionary etc.)
5. He was told that he is no good, he is incapable, and that he will achieve nothing in his life.
6. He had an ideal he believes he cannot “reach” and thus he rejects it.
7. His self worth was rejected.
8. He was told that he could not make it alone in life.
9. He had to either agree with others or do what they wanted, in order to receive their love.
10. He experienced abandonment and he interpreted it as an injustice.
11. Sick people in his environment were the cause for his loss of freedom.
12. He/she experienced rape, or was sexually abused.
13. He was frequently told about guilt and the punishment from God.
14. As a child he came in contact with hypocrisy on a large scale.
15. One of the parents was unfaithful to the other.
16. He was a spoilt child and he does not have self confidence, he feels dependent, and he reacts negatively towards dependency.

Usually through experiences No 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18, 19,20,21,22,23,24,25,26,27,28,29,30,31.

D. Some beliefs able to sustain roles such as these.
1. I am in danger from, parents, teachers, authority.
2. I might lose my:
a. freedom.
b. dignity.
c. my worth.
d. security.
3. I might be treated unjustly, I might get hurt, or humiliated.
4. I am weak, incapable, vulnerable. I cannot succeed in this society.
a. to be successful
b. to protect my self
c. to become happy.
5. I need others, society, and / or family for my security and my happiness.
6. I need the other’s approval. I am not worthy, I am insecure without their approval and support.
7. I am not clever. I do not have inner knowledge and strength in order to live my life without others.
8. I am in danger when others do not agree with me because:
a. I might not be right.
b. I need them.
c. they might use control over me and I will get hurt
9. If I do not react they might think they are right and I will lose my rights and my strength.
10. If I appear to destroy myself, this will upset them and make them feel guilty.
11. When others agree with me then I am right, then I am worthy and safe.
12. I have to fight for liberty and justice.
13. I am not loved, thus I must protect my self from others.
14. This is a war of control. If I do not fight I will lose my freedom.
15. If I admit that they are right they will use this against me on another occasion.
16. People are hypocrites and are underhanded, I cannot trust them.
17. I will never be able to achieve as much as my parent (other). It is better if I do not participate at all. I should reject the whole success game.
18. I am a girl (woman) and I must protect my rights in a man’s world.
19. I am a victim of racism and I must protect my self.

ROLE 8

THE CLEVER,THE WELL INFORMED,THE SUPERIOR,THE EXPERT,THE COUNSELOR.

Key 1: Whoever knows best, is more worthy.
Key 2: I must appear knowledgeable to be accepted, loved or respected.
Key 3: Then I will be accepted, I will be loved and I will be safe and secure.

A. Some possible behaviors:
1. He talks too much stating information with the intention of making his knowledge evident. Sometimes directly and at others indirectly through questions or references indicating his “knowledge”.
2. He enters quite easily in an “competitive discussion” with the intention of showing others how much he knows (whether the subject is important for him or not it’s irrelevant).
3. He easily takes opposition view for the sake of an argument.
4. He usually refers to various books, teachers and other sources.
5. He gives advises or even orders.
6. If you do not follow his advise, he gets upset and he even might attack you.
7. He talks abundantly about irrelevant details.
8. He admires people with a vast knowledge or ” a quick mind” while he rejects others with limited knowledge and a slow mind.
9. He is afraid perhaps there are others in the company who would “appear cleverer” and thus he would lose his position, the others’ respect and thus his self worth.
10. He uses various strategies in order to win battles at home, at work and in this manner he attracts negative emotions from others.
11. He may speak degradingly about others with “less knowledge”
12. He gets bored among a company where he cannot use his brain.
13. He frequently plays the game of “who is right”.
14. He tends to be ironic, sarcastic and sometimes even mock others.

B. He gets into a conflict with others playing the same role. Also with the powerful, the teachers, the saviors, the parents, the perfect.

C. Some childhood experiences leading to these roles:
1. The child received the message that knowledge creates value, superiority, and security.
2. He has been hurt, rejected, demeaned because of lack of knowledge or lack of swiftness in the mind. .
3. He has been hurt or rejected for other reasons (e.g. beauty, physical strength, social characteristics) and he learned to regard his intelligence as his only asset, so he decides that without it he has no value at all.
4. He is ashamed of or rejects one of his parents for his limited mental capacities and he decides not to ever become like that.
5. He experienced a parent or another important person playing this role.
6. He realized that through intelligence and a quick mind he could avoid work or negative situations.
7. By being clever, he or someone else received the admiration or the attention and love of others.
8. He experienced abandonment, and he felt lonely and he decided that he must be very clever in order to survive.
9. He has been compared with others:
a. that he was less worthy.
b. he was more worthy.
10. His parents needed badly (for their own survival or security) their child to get an education.
11. They told the child that he is not clever and that he will never do anything in his life.

Usually from experiences No 1,2,3,4,6,7,8,11,12,13,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23, 26,27,29, 30,31.

D. Some possible beliefs able to sustain these roles.
1. My self worth is measured according to my intelligence.
2. My intelligence is measured by:
a. how it is compared with others.
b. how much information it contains.
c. how swiftly it functions.
d. how correct it is.
e. how much others admire it or show with by their behavior that they respect it.
3. I do not know much. I have no self worth. I will be rejected.
4. I will not be wanted. I will remain alone, and then I am in danger.
5. I must learn a lot, I must cultivate my mind.
6. I must show others that my mind is sharp, so I will be accepted and loved, and then I will be safe and secure.
7. If there is another person more knowledgeable than me, he would be loved more. I must show them, that I know more than him. I must belittle him and aggrandize my self.
8. If I have more knowledge than others I can:
a. control them, use them and rule them.
b. reject them.
c. make them need me, and then I will be worthy and secure.
9. I will not be able to be clever enough compared with others. I will reject the whole game. (Then he abandons this role and plays other ones e.g. the rebel, the lazy one, the revolutionary, the incapable, the sick etc.)
10. I must never accept that the other is right because in this way I will lose my self worth.
11. Life is difficult and I am alone, I must be clever in order to survive.
12. Only the intelligent receive love, attention and the tenderness they need.
13. I owe it my parents to gain an education, and to become well known for my education and knowledge .
14. I must show them how much I am worth.
15. I am responsible for others and for my self, so I must be clever.
16. If I am clever, I can protect my self from exploitation and cruelty from others.
17. I do not want to be like my parent.

ROLE 9

THE INDIFFERENT, THE IRRESPONSIBLE, THE LIBERATED , THE SNOTTY, THE SENSELESS,THE EVASIVE ONE

Key 1. Whoever has responsibilities or does not meet with his obligations to wards them is in danger.
Key 2. I will either suffer or fail if I accept responsibilities.

A. Some possible conducts:
1. Avoids responsibilities as much as possible, (not due to laziness, but because he doubts his capacities for success).
2. Seems indifferent, insensitive towards matters quite important to others.
3. He lets others solve his problems.
4. He feels oppression and injustice easily.
5. Allows matters to linger until the last minute.
6. He walks out from relationships, jobs and responsibilities when he feels overly pressured.
7. He may criticize or mock people who “take things seriously”
8. He takes on responsibilities or gives promises, but he is conscientious in executing them.
9. Says “yes, you are right, I will change, I will become more responsible” but does nothing about it.
10. He complains that he is being suppressed, and is not allowed creative freedom.
11. He criticizes the system in general.
12. He rejects himself on account of his mistakes, in order to hear the opposite, -that it does not matter, that it’s O.K.
13. He may not speak much. He may not express himself much.

B. He gets into a conflict with the roles of the teacher, the righteous, the responsible, the savior, the clever, the parent, the powerful, and the efficient.

C. Some childhood experiences leading to such roles;
1. He experienced rejection, humiliation, hurt, fear and thus, decided not to have anything to do with the outer world.
2. He had very negative experiences concerning situations of responsibility (e.g. responsibilities towards siblings.)
3. Experienced failure in some of his efforts.
4. He was told he is incapable and he will never do anything in his life.
5. He was compared to others and:
a. he was told he was inferior (he will never make it)
b. he was told he was superior (and he must always be the best-top -in order to be worthy.)
6. Realized that he had to be very effective, in order to be respected and loved, that he is not worthy if he is not efficient and effective.
7. He had the experience of an ideal person in this role.
8. He had the experience of an ideal person playing the role of the strong, the capable, the successful, the perfect , and out of reaction the child abandons and rejects the effort. “I will not be able to make it.”
9. He experienced abandonment and he decided that he is incapable, so others should take care of him.
10. He did not receive much attention, tenderness and love and so using this role now, others will take care of him.
11. A parent failed somehow.
12. He was a spoilt child and he never learned to do anything for himself and for others.

C. Usually through experiences: No 1,2,3,4,6,7,8,12,13,15,16,17,18, 19,20,21, 22,23,25,26,27,28,29,30,31.

D. Some beliefs able to sustain roles such as these:
1. I am worthy as long as I achieve a lot of things, as long as I am capable.
2. Having a lot of responsibilities and being able to successfully deal with them, gives one self worth.
3. But I am not worthy because I can’t, because.
a. life is difficult.
b. I am not clever, able, or strong enough.
c. I might fail.
4. If I try and fail, I will be rejected and I will be alone and then I am in danger.
5. It is better if I do not try to play, I am not interested, so I reject this game.
6. If I accept responsibilities, I will exhaust myself and I will suffer. If I do nothing, others will take over.
7. Others are more competent than I am.
8. I reject their neurotic and stressful life .
9. It’s better not to play at all, than to play and lose.
10. If I activate myself,f they will think that I don’t need them, they will not pay any attention to me any more.
11. Responsibility carries with it criticism from others.
12. Since God punishes our mistakes, I will do nothing so I shall not make a mistake.
13. I do not want to fail like my parent.
14. I am a spoilt child, I must be taken care of.

ROLE 10

THE GENERAL,THE DICTATOR,THE AGGRESSIVE, THE AGGRESSOR

Key 1. My worth and my security are in danger.
Key 2. I must protect my self and others from the battle of life.
Key 3. Strength is the solution for everything.

A. Some possible behaviors:
1. Shout, accuses, rejects, demeans others when :
a. they make a mistake.
b. they do not function according to his concepts, instructions or orders.
2. He finds it difficult to be democratic in his relationships with others.
3. He is always right and others are wrong.
4. Cultivates fear in order to gain obedience and the cooperation from others.
5. He usually has double standards: for himself and for others.
6. He is usually very sensitive and vulnerable, behind all this toughness.
7. He considers himself superior and he expects others to serve him.
8. He attacks before anyone has the chance to do the same.

B. He has conflicts more frequently, both inwardly or/and outwardly with the roles of the child, the guilty, the victim, the fearful, the incapable, the teacher, the parent and with others playing the same roles as he.

C. Some childhood experiences leading to this roles:
1. He experienced someone playing these roles.
2. He himself was a victim of these roles as a child.
3. He experienced injustice and he decided that life is difficult and that he has to protect himself aggressively.
4. He experienced a lot of anger as a child, and this anger is now surging out towards the people closest to him.
5. He was a spoilt child, and now he feels that everyone should serve him.
6. He was ashamed of one of his parents for being ” weak” and for being used, and he has decided that he is going to be tough.
7. He was programmed that God punishes. He might also believe that he is the “hand of God” keeping order in the world.
8. He experienced humiliation, so he considers this role the only security he possesses, so that nothing like this ever happens again.
9. He doubts his self worth and his mental capacities and he conceals all these with this role, in order to regain his worth.
10. He heard that men are like this.
11. As a woman she might decide that this is the only way to protect herself.
12. He was made to feel bad, sinful, unjust, so he accepts this role, it fits him.
13. He learned that he is responsible for others and he found this role effective in order to be obeyed .

Usually from experiences: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,12,13,14,15,16, 17,18,19,22,23, 24,25, 26,27,28,29,30,31.

D. Some beliefs able to sustain roles such as these.
1. I am not worthy, I am in danger, my security is in danger.
2. Life and people in general ad dangerous, difficult and I will be hurt.
3. I must be tough and aggressive in order to be:
a. worthy.
b. superior.
c. keep them at a distance, so I will not get hurt.
4. I do not want to be “stepped on” like my father (my mother).
5. I am alone in this life. No one cares about me. If I do not take care of myself, nobody will do so.
6. I am the only one who is right. They must listen to me and obey me.
7. No one loves me. I was not given the love and affection I needed. Others must pay for this.
8. Only the powerful, the leader is worthy.
9. I must keep them at a distance so as not to get hurt.
10. Since they consider me to be a bad and unfair person anyway, let it be thus.
11. I am responsible for others. If I do not give orders using a little fear, there’s going to be problems. I will not be in a position to be in control.

ROLE 11

THE PARTNER, THE SPOUSE.

Key 1: My self worth depends on how good a partner I am.
Key 2: I must be a good partner in order to be worthy and safe.

A. Some possible behaviors:
1. He tries to receive affirmation concerning his self worth and his security through the other in various ways:
a. by receiving tenderness, caressing, affection, embrace, and sex.
b. receiving positive words of affirmation.
c. being together.
d. having exclusivity (the other loves and wants only me)
2. He gets upset and becomes negative when he does not receive the above affirmations.
3. He gets upset when his partner:
a. is not well, happy, successful.
b. is not happy with him.
c. shows a interest – love to others.
d. shows interest in other activities where he cannot or does not want to participate.
e. does not agree with him on various matters.
4. Has conflicts with his partner concerning needs and values.
5. Loves and gives special support and affection to the partner.
6. He becomes devoted and gives a lot of energy and time in order to make his partner happy.
7. He does not find any other reason for life except this role, he is in constant fear of losing his partner (and thus lose the only source of security, self esteem and reason for existence.)
8. He might be bored of the role and wish for freedom:
a. He does not participate fully.
b. He is away a lot, and when he is there, the connection is not substantial.
c. He might create parallel relationships.
9. He may play anyone of the other roles in relation to his partner e.g. the child, the parent, the dictator, the savior, the rebel, the perfect one, the powerful, the weak, the incapable, the sick, the fearful ,the indifferent, the irresponsible, etc.
10. Competes with his partner in relation to who is more right, intelligent, good, powerful, abused, successful, effective, spiritual, etc.
11. Competes for the acceptance, love, and admiration of the children.

B. He would have various conflicts with his partner, in respect to other roles he plays in the relationship. This role might clash with other roles he needs to play as a parent, a businessman, a child (of his parents).
1. All childhood experiences construct this role, they can however be divided into specific categories:
a. All impressions about close relationships he gained from his parents or others.
b. All the messages he received (from actions or situations)
1. about marriage.
2. about men.
3. about women.
c. All the messages he received about himself.
d. All the messages he received about life.
e. All the messages about when one is worthy and when one is safe and secure.
2. He will react in various ways towards these messages and experiences.
a. Being programmed subconsciously and he would function in a manner similar to that of his parents.
b. It is possible (at least in his first relationships – if he has more than one) to attract a partner who would treat him:
1. In the same way he was treated by one or both his parents.
2. In the same way one parent treated the other. e.g. replay scenes he experienced as a child receiving and experiencing, to a great extend similar treatment as before. In many cases, he himself will play the role of the parent towards the other partner (or the children) in the same manner he himself experienced it from his parents.
c. He will react (rejecting the conduct of one of the parents) and he will try not to “repeat ” the same mistakes. (But as long as the rejection exists, he will possibly not be able to liberate himself from this behavior mechanism he rejects.)

D. Some beliefs able to sustain roles such as these:
1. I am a woman (man) (and not an eternal soul without gender)
2. My self worth depends upon my partner.
a. Whether I have a partner.
b. Whether he/she loves and takes care only of me.
c. Whether she/he gives me what I need.
d. Whether she/he is happy with me.
e. Whether she/he is healthy, happy, successful.
f. Whether others accept and approve of her/him.
3. My security depends upon my partner:
a. Whether he/she loves me exclusively.
b. Whether he/she is strong, stable, and successful.
c. Whether she/he is honest, calm
d. whether… other …..
4. A person alone by himself cannot be safe and secure.
5. A person alone is not socially acceptable.

ROLE 12

MAN / WOMAN

Key 1. I am a man / woman..
Key 2. My self worth is dependent on how affirmed I am in this role.

A. Some possible behaviors:
1. Tries to prove his/her worth.:
a. by appearing powerful, indifferent, tough, with no weaknesses.
b. by appearing good, right, perfect.
c. by professional and financial success.
d. by knowledge and mental clarity.
e. by being able to express emotions and needs.
f. by being sexually attractive to / successful with the opposite sex.
g. by having a strong or attractive body
h. by being aggressive and having a loud voice.
i. by doing a lot of things, being engaged in many activities.
j. by appearing spiritual and pure.
k. by not accepting arguments, acting as a dictator.

2. Tries to win the others attention (and thus security and self worth)
a. through illness.
b. through weakness, fear or emotional problems.
c. through sexuality.
d. through conflict and aggressiveness.
e. flirting with others.
3. Plays competitive games with people of the same or the opposite sex, as to who is more intelligent, right, good, strong, victim, successful, quick, effective, spiritual e.t.c.
4. He rejects the parent of the same sex and so he rejects his own sex. Sometime this can lead to homosexuality.
5. Rejects the parent of the opposite sex and thus he has a continuous lack of trust and often is antagonistic to, or rejects the opposite sex and also his/her partner.

C. Some experiences indicating how one would play the role of the man or the woman.
1. All the messages he received through words and behaviors in relation to :
a. when a man is worthy and respected.
b. when a woman worthy and respected.
c. how must a man be.
d. how must a woman be.
e. what is the relationship between them.
2. From which one of the parents he received more love and acceptance.
3. Whether he experienced abandonment by one of the parents.
4. The behavior of one parent towards the other.
5. How he saw his parents behave towards others and how others towards them.

D. Beliefs sustaining the existence of these roles:
1. I am a woman (man).
2. I am safe and secure and I am worthy only through this role.
3. I must have a partner to be worthy and to be safe.
4. A close relationship is the goal of life and the basic meaning of life.
5. Close relationships are difficult and I will possibly get hurt because;
a. the other cannot love me as I am.
b. the other will hurt me.
c. the other will abandon me.
6. I cannot let go in a close relationship because I will get hurt.
7. I am worthy when:
a. my partner loves me exclusively.
b. the opposite sex wants me and admires me.
c. when I am better than others.
d. I am wanted sexually.
8. Women should sacrifice themselves for their husband (to obey him).
9. Men must be more capable, and intelligent than their wives.