A54 Roles Conflicts Celestine Prophecy: How to deal with people who are playing the roles of intimidator, interrogator, victim and aloof

Having grown up in differing environments, receiving different experiences and messages about ourselves, about others and about life, each of us has developed an unique personality with different needs, desires, beliefs, habits, attachments and roles which we play. Many of the behaviors we have developed can be called defense mechanisms, which means that they are behavioral mechanisms, or ways of thinking and acting, which we hope will protect us from various dangers. Some people have “introverted” defense mechanisms which means that they retreat into themselves, or into some kind of personal activity, when they are not feeling safe. Others become aggressive, antagonistic or competitive when they do not feel safe. These various ways in which we have been programmed to react to situations, especially those which threaten us, make up to a great extent the basic fabric of our interpersonal conflicts. As long as we react automatically to situations in these defensive ways, we are very likely to conflict with others, especially if their methods of “coping” clash with ours. When we free ourselves from these automatic reactions, and act consciously, we will have a much greater chance of harmony and real communication.

The recent best seller “The Celestial Prophecy” has successfully described a simplified version of these coping mechanisms. The author, James Redfield, has simplified the various coping mechanisms into four categories. Let us take a brief look at these four roles which we and our loved ones might get locked into as we battle for energy, self affirmation, security and control. We must keep clear in our minds that most of us play a number of these roles. We play the “victim” with one person and the “intimidator” with another. Or we might be both the interrogator and victim with the same person. Also our relationship partners will embody a combination of these roles.

VICTIMS

1. The role of Victim (poor me) is a favorite with many of us. There are so many benefits we can ensure by playing the role of the victim. We automatically gain self worth. Follow this reasoning closely. As a victim, we are the one to whom injustice is being done. Thus the others are unjust, incorrect, not okay, wrong in what they do and consequently we are just, okay, good and right. We are worthy and they are not. Many of us who do not have sufficient self esteem, find this as the only way we can establish our self worth, by being the victims of others’ wrong doings. Secondly as victims we can play on the others pity and guilt. When they are angry at us, we can diminish their rage and aggression by playing the weak abused person. When we want something from some one, we can play on their guilt, by making them feel to blame for our unhappiness or our problems. Thus, as victims, we gain what we want from the others, by making them feel responsible for our reality, and by making ourselves seem weak, incapable and in need of help. When confronted with loved ones who are playing the role of victim, we need to free our selves from the illusion that they are so weak and incapable, and that we are responsible for their reality or that we can create their happiness, health or success in life. We need to express our love to them in ways that they can feel it, without getting caught up in feeling responsible or guilty for their reality. This requires a combination of love, effective communication and clarity of mind. We need to help them find another way of getting what they need. A way free from self pity and unnecessary suffering. The victim is limited to being unhappy. He or she needs to find daily reasons not to be happy. Those reasons also need frequently to imply that the others around them are to blame. The victim finds it difficult to say, “what a wonderful day it is”, or “how happy I am”, or “thank you for being such a nice person to me” (unless you are new in their lives, and different from all the insensitive people already in their lives). A possible honest communication with a Victim might go something like this. ” Dear, I want you to know that I love and care for you and want very much for you to be happy and healthy and satisfied in your life. I want that very much but I am beginning to realize that I cannot create that for you. I realize now that I have been feeling responsible for your reality and some times guilty because you are not as happy and satisfied as we would both like you to be. “I now realize that I do not help you be feeling responsible or guilty. These feelings just make me angry with you because you do not do what you could be doing to create a happier life for your self, or do not see how wonderful your life really is, when you focus on what you do not have, rather than all the wonderful things you do have. “Thus I am no longer going to try to create your happiness or get your approval through your expression of satisfaction. I am going to love you and offer you whatever I can, without doing more than I believe I should or getting angry with you because you are not satisfied. “Is there something you would like to share with me concerning this?”

INTIMIDATORS

2. Others of us play the role of the Intimidator. As intimidators we control others by making them fear us. We keep them from requesting from us or controlling us in any way, by making them afraid to approach us. We do this by shouting, intimidating, accusing, threatening perhaps even physical violence. We use other people’s fear and self doubt to control them. For us the others are always wrong and, if they do not start shaping up, we have every right to punish them. We are simultaneously the police, judge, jury and execution squad. Another benefit we gain in this role, is that we never have to look at our selves or change anything about our selves, as we are perfect and the others are all wrong. Thus, in order to cope with the Intimidators in our lives, we will need to overcome our fear. This fear has its basis in childhood when a shouting parent was a real threat for many reasons. First of all, there might be punishment and thus emotional or physical pain. Secondly, all our security and survival were dependent on this person who was shouting and intimidating us. Thirdly, if this person was shouting in such a belittling way, this must mean that we are wrong, evil, a bad child, and thus not worthy of love and respect. Now, even as full grown adults our subconscious reaction is fear and self doubt when someone shouts at or accuses or intimidates us. I have seen comic situations a small sized woman intimidator can make a man twice her size react in fear with her threats. A possible communication with an Intimidator might be the following. “I need to discuss something with you. You know, there are times when I am afraid of you. When you raise your voice and threaten me, you stimulate old fears from my childhood years. When that happens I back down from confrontation with you. I retreat from every confrontation suppressing my needs and sometimes my values. When this happens I lose my self respect, and feel injustice and angry towards you. My heart closes and my love for you diminishes. There are even times when I think of revenge. “With the way you act, you may get what you want from me at that moment, but you lose my love and respect. I have decided to try to overcome my fear and be more honest with you. I am going to try to express my needs and values even when you shout or intimidate me. I would like to ask for your help with this effort. “I am very interested in helping you fulfill your needs. I believe that we can both get what we want together. I would like to ask you to express your needs without threatening me. Simply tell me what you need from me. I, in response, will also express my needs to you. I believe we can find solutions without my fearing you and retreating when you threaten me. “How do you feel about this idea?”

INTERROGATORS

3. Others of us prefer the role of the Interrogator. In this role we control others by addressing our selves to their need for our approval. We do this by criticizing, doubting, giving advise and, in general, creating doubt about the other’s ability or correctness in what he is doing. We are always ready to criticize how he has done something, or question why he has done it in a particular way. We get his attention and can control him by making him answer to our questions about what he is doing. If we want to free ourselves from the interrogators in our lives, we will need to get free from the need for their acceptance or approval. We will need self acceptance and self confidence. One possible communication with an Interrogator could be the following. “Dear, I would like to discuss with you a problem which I have with our communication. I feel myself continuously in the position of answering to your questions and doubts about what I am doing. I feel that you are frequently correcting and doubting me. This puts me on the defensive and sometimes I get into the role of the victim and at others I become an intimidator, or do the same to you and become your interrogator. “This way of communicating saddens me. I believe that we can communicate much more honestly and harmoniously. For this reason, I am going to try to accept myself even when you have doubts and criticize. I am going to stop answering your questions and apologizing to your accusations. I am going to try to be happy even when you are not satisfied with me and when you criticize or accuse me. “Please do not misunderstand this. I love you and want you to be happy and want us to be happy together, but we cannot be happy this way, with your playing the lawyer and my playing the guilty one. I cannot lose my self respect any more in this game. “I want you to know that I love you even when I do not try to get you to agree with what I do. “How do you feel about this?”

ALOOFS

4. In the role of the Aloof we distance ourselves from others, avoiding meaningful or honest emotional contact. In this way, we are less likely to be hurt or controlled by people’s negative emotions, requests or demands. We hide from the intimidator’s attack, the interrogator’s inquisition and the victim’s complaints. In addition to protecting our selves by distancing our selves, and not expressing much of our selves, either positively or negatively, we also gain self worth by making others seek out contact with us. Some of us Aloofs are secretly hoping that someone will approach us and secretly desire our attention. We secretly desire their attention but cannot get free from our role enough to approach them. The approached receives energy and affirmation from the one who approaches him seeking his company. If the Victim controls others through their feelings of responsibility and guilt, the Aloof controls others through their need for contact with or attention from him as he denies his attention and emotional exchange. We can help the Aloofs in our lives by first getting free from any ideas that they are not communicating with us because we have done something wrong. If they want to wear a long silent face, let them, they have the right to. Let them have the responsibility for the reality which they chose to create. We can then communicate with them perhaps something like this. “Dear, I have something important which I would like to express to you and if you want to answer me that would be fine. There are times in which you are silent, inexpressive or even seem sad or angry. At those times, when I do not know what you are feeling or thinking, I some times think that perhaps I have done something which has offended or hurt you, or perhaps you do not love me any more. I also get into thinking that you do not have enough trust in me, or do not feel close enough to me so as to share with me what you are feeling. Then I begin to doubt my self worth as a spouse (or perhaps parent in some cases). “When I see you like this and make those interpretations, then I sometimes approach you trying to find out what is happening. Some times you respond and others you do not. That bothers me even more. I feel hurt and believe that you do not care about me and our relationship. “I now realize that it doesn’t help to pressure you to communicate with me. I am going to try to leave that to you. I just want you to know that I love you and I want and need to know more about what you are feeling and thinking, but that I am going to leave that up to you. And if, in fact, I have done or do something which has offended or hurt you, I very much want to hear it. Do not protect me by not telling me if something I do bothers you. “I will try to leave you all the space you need to feel from within if you want to communicate with me more deeply. “Do you have anything you would like to tell me now?”

POSSIBLE REACTIONS

We and our loved ones may play a combination of these roles in our attempts to get what we need from others. In general we play these roles in order:
1. To protect our energy and gain more energy from others if we can.
2. To be able to control others and have their attention when we want.
3. To get what we want from others.
4. To affirm our self worth and sense of security.
5. To protect our freedom to do what we want.
6. To prove that we are right.
7. To avoid being controlled by the other.
8. Out of habit and childhood programming.

The roles we play are often in response to the roles our loved ones play. And vice verse, the roles they play are usually mirroring our roles. For example, if we play the Victim, the other may protect himself by playing the intimidator so we do not get what we want. Or he or she may play the interrogator so as to change the balance of power between us. Or a third may play the aloof and protect himself by simply ignoring us. If we play the Interrogator, the other may play the same role as we go on and one like lawyers, trying to prove the other wrong. Or he or she might play the victim so we will stop. Another might become aloof and ignore us so as to find his peace. Or he or she might become an intimidator to stop us. If we play the Intimidator, the other may play the same role as we fight a battle to the death to see who will get his or her way. Or he or she may play the interrogator and defuse our weapons by making us answer to his criticism. Another may play the victim so that we will have mercy or feel guilty and stop. The aloof will find his peace by ignoring us. If we play the Aloof, the other may do the same and we will simply never communicate. More likely however he or she will play the intimidator or interrogator in order to get our attention by addressing themselves to our fears and need for approval. Victims may try to get our attention by playing on our guilt. When we use the words “playing these roles”, we do not mean that we are consciously playing them, more rather subconsciously, they have become mechanical reactions which function automatically. These are subconscious programmings.

ANALYZING OUR REACTIONS

Let us now look at ways in which we can analyze and get free from these unpleasant and self limiting roles. We can start with the following analysis ( Fig. 1). In this chart we begin with a simple list of closer relationships and what roles these people might play at times and how we might react. At times, we may not be able to fit their behavior into specific role. That is no problem, we can just list the behavior which annoys and also record how we usually react to that behavior. If we react differently at various times, then we should record this also and try to understand why we react differently. What factors control this? We might also discover that we react differently to two or more people playing the same roles. We may react to one intimidator like a victim and to another like another intimidator or interrogator. Record these differences and try to discover why.

( Fig. 1)

ALTERNATIVE REACTIONS

Once you have made a list of these roles and behaviors which are being played out on both parts, you are then ready to move on to analyzing how you might be able to react differently. For each example which you have noted in your first exercise, make the following analysis (Fig. 2)
—————————————————————————–
ALTERNATIVE WAYS OF REACTING TO OTHERS WHEN THEY PLAY THE ROLES OR BEHAVE IN WAYS WHICH BOTHER US.
This analysis can be done separately for each role or behavior which annoys you.
1. What role or behavior annoys you on the part of the other?
2. How do you usually react?
a. At first?
b. And afterwards?
3. Do you almost always react in the same way, or do you frequently react differently? What is the cause for these different ways of reacting?
4. What emotions do you have which cause you to react in those ways?
5. What do you believe which causes you to feel that way and react in those ways?
6. How would you like to react? What would be your ideal reaction?
7. What would you have to believe in order to be able to react in your ideal way?
8. What changes do you want to make in your belief system so that you can react in your ideal way and be true to your ideals even when the other reacts in that way?
—————————————————————–
Fig. 2

In may be useful for beginners in analysis to give one possible example for each role which the other might play. The numbers we will be referring to the questions above. The use of she and he below is arbitrary. Both sexes play all the roles. I have however, observed, at least here in Greece, that men find themselves more often in the roles of Intimidator and Aloof, while women more frequently in the roles of the Victim and Interrogator.

A. Sample analysis for coping with Intimidators:
1. What role or behavior annoys you on the part of the other? When he raises his voice and threatens me with his shouting and body language.
2. How do you usually react?
a. At first?
I give in and leave fearful and hurt. I become the victim.
b. And afterwards?
I then feel injustice and think of ways of getting back at him. I become the victim and aloof for some time.
3. Do you almost always react in the same way, or do you frequently react differently? What is the cause for these different ways of reacting?
Yes most of time in this way. Infrequently when I have very high energy I may laugh inwardly and just leave the scene until we can talk.
4. What emotions do you have which cause you to react in those ways?
I feel fear, injustice, humiliation, demeaned, threatened and angry.
5. What do you believe which causes you to feel that way and react in those ways?
Some of my many subconscious beliefs appear to be:
a. I am in danger, I could be hurt.
b. My survival is being threatened.
c. Something horrible could happen.
d. I am wrong, unworthy since whoever shouts must be right and whomever is being shouted at must be wrong.
e. I cannot protect myself from this person.
f. I am weak and unable to protect my needs and beliefs.
g. Better to give in and have peace than stand up for what I need or believe.
h. I am the victim in this situation.
6. How would you like to react? What would be your ideal reaction?
I would like to be able to overcome my fears and sit calmly until the other’s rage has subsided while I remember that I am not in danger and that he is unhappy. The more he shouts the more I will feel compassion for him because he seems even more unhappy. I will try to understand what he really needs in this moment. I will seek to understand what fear is causing him to react in this way so I can help him feel safe and secure with me.
When he has calmed down, I will explain that I have no intention of hurting him or making him unhappy. However, if I do not fulfill my needs, I will be unhappy and will harbor negative feelings towards him. I will suggest that we try again to discuss the subject and make a list of what each needs and think about how we can both be happy in this situation.
I will also explain that I have no intention of giving in because he is shouting. I could however make numerous compromises out of love for him, if he would express what he needs from me.
7. What would you have to believe in order to be able to react in your ideal way?
a. That I am safe in secure in every situation.
b. That nothing can ever happen to me which is not exactly what I need for my spiritual growth.
c. That this person is my teacher which life has placed before me.
d. That he is unhappy and afraid, or else he would not be acting in this way.
e. That behind his angry and threatening appearance hides a fearful and hurt child.
f. Life gives me exactly what I need at every moment so that I can learn my next lesson in my growth process.
8. What changes do you want to make in your belief system so that you can react in your ideal way and be true to your ideals even when the other reacts in that way?
I want to free myself from all the beliefs listed in question 5 and strengthen all the beliefs in question 7.

B. Sample analysis for coping with Interrogators:
1. What role or behavior annoys you on the part of the other?
When she criticizes what I have done, or doubts what I have done making me answer a series of questions .
2. How do you usually react?
a. At first?
I get caught up trying to get her approval and then get angry and start shouting. I become the interrogator in return and start criticizing her.
b. And afterwards?
I then feel guilty for shouting and hope that she is not hurt. I keep my distance playing aloof for a period of time.
3. Do you almost always react in the same way, or do you frequently react differently? What is the cause for these different ways of reacting?
Most of time I react in this way. Some times I become the intimidator.
4. What emotions do you have which cause you to react in those ways?
Rejection, fear of making a mistake or being wrong, self doubt, frustration, anger, injustice
5. What do you believe which causes you to feel that way and react in those ways?
Some of my subconscious beliefs are:
a. I am not worthy unless others believe so.
b. My self worth is dependent on what others think of me.
c. My self worth is dependent on whether I make the right decisions and actions
d. Others know better than I do.
e. I am not capable. Not sure of my self.
f. I may make a mistake and then others will reject me.
g. I need to prove to the others that I am worthy and right.
h. It is important not to make mistakes and to be always right.
i. I must have everyone one’s approval.
6. How would you like to react? What would be your ideal reaction?
I would like to remember that my self worth is not dependent on what she thinks. I want to also remember that she most likely acts like this, criticizing and trying to put me down, because she herself doubts her own self worth. She needs affirmation and is seeking it by searching for my mistakes or getting me to pay attention to her and answer her questions. She probably simply needs attention.
I would like then to explain to her, that I respect her and her opinions but that I prefer not to get into this game in which she keeps doubting or criticizing and I am trying to prove that I am right. I may not be right, I do make mistakes as I am not perfect, and I will think about what she has said and get back to her on the matter if it is important. But I will not continue this game with her.
We can have totally different beliefs about some matters and still love each other unconditionally. Thus, I chose to love her without needing her approval or agreement on some matters and hope that she can do the same.
I will also explain that if she needs my attention or wants to communicate about something, then she can simply express that need, without getting into this criticism trip.
7. What would you have to believe in order to be able to react in your ideal way?
a. That my self worth is independent of what others think.
b.That my self worth is also independent of the results of my efforts.
c. That the other doubts herself and is simply trying to find her self worth through or get my attention.
d. She deserves my attention in positive ways so that she does not need to resort to this way.
e. We can love each other even when we do not agree.
f. She can love me even when I do not prove that I am right.
g. I am in no danger when the others do not agree with me.
h. I am in no danger when I make a mistake.
i. I am not perfect and I make mistakes and I can admit it without losing my self worth and others love.
j. Being right does not attract love, but love does.
k. Life gives me exactly what I need at every moment so that I can learn my next lesson in my growth process.
8. What changes do you want to make in your belief system so that you can react in your ideal way and be true to your ideals even when the other reacts in that way?
I want to free myself from all the beliefs listed in question 5 and strengthen all the beliefs in question 7.

C. Sample analysis for coping with Victims:
1. What role or behavior annoys you on the part of the other?
When she complains, moans and wears a long face implying that I am to blame for her unhappiness.
2. How do you usually react?
a. At first?
At first I try to help out and satisfy her and then I get angry. I become the intimidator.
b. And afterwards?
I then feel helpless to change the situation and then feel angry that she is doing nothing to make her life happier. I feel now that I am her victim. I also feel guilty.
3. Do you almost always react in the same way, or do you frequently react differently? What is the cause for these different ways of reacting?
In some few occasions I have been able to let her take responsibility for her reality and just listen without getting involved.
4. What emotions do you have which cause you to react in those ways?
Responsible for the other, fear of not having succeeded in helping the other, fear that the other may suffer some harm and I will be responsible, failure to be able to help, helplessness, injustice, hurt, bitterness, rejected and also guilt.
5. What do you believe which causes you to feel that way and react in those ways?
Some of my subconscious beliefs seem to be:
a. I am responsible for the other’s reality.
b. I am worthy if the other is satisfied with me and with what I offer her.
c. I am to blame when the others are not happy or satisfied.
d. I must have the other’s approval and recognition for what I have done and am doing for him.
e. The other is weak and needs my help.
f. I am the savior. I know better and can help others.
g. The more people I save, the greater my self worth.
h. I am being done injustice to, as I have offered so much and the other is still not satisfied.
i. The other is using me. I am the victim of the victim.
6. How would you like to react? What would be your ideal reaction?
I would like to keep clear in my mind that I cannot create the other’s health, happiness, success or satisfaction. I want also to remember that the other is an expression of the divine who has all the powers to create what she has incarnated to create in her life.
I want to remember that she needs my love and attention, and will give it freely whenever she is not in the role of the victim.
When she does get into the role of victim I will explain that I love and care for her and want her to be happy, but that that I cannot create that. I am willing to help her if she wants to take responsibility and work towards her happiness. I can ask her questions which might help her realize what she needs to do to create her happiness. I can also ask questions which may help her see how blessed she already is and also what powers lie within her which she can use to create the reality she desires.
Throughout this process I will remain very clear that I am not responsible for what she is feeling. If she accuses me of not doing enough, I will check with my conscience and if I decided that she is right, I will start doing more. If I judge that she is wrong, then I will peacefully tell her so and explain that I am not going to do more than I am and if she wants to discuss finding other solutions, I will be happy to.
I will also explain that I will no longer feel guilty about her unhappiness and as I am clear that I am doing whatever I can, and that playing the victim will not help her get more from me.
7. What would you have to believe in order to be able to react in your ideal way?
a. That we each create our reality.
b. That I cannot create anyone else’s reality.
c. That I am not to blame for what others are experiencing in their evolutionary process.
d. That others are not to blame for what I am feeling or creating.
e. That I can love someone without being sad that they are not happy, since each of us has what we need to be be happy, if we could only see it.
f. It is okay to be well and happy when our loved ones are not.
g. I love, serve and help my love ones create the reality they want, without getting into the role of the savior or responsible for the others.
h. No one can use me, if I chose to give. What I give freely cannot be taken from me since I am giving it.
i. If I am feeling used, then I am not giving from my heart but I am seeking something in return.
j. There are times when the greatest help we can offer is to allow the other to stand on his own two feet.
k. The others will continue to love me even if I cannot at times respond to their requests.
l. Life gives me exactly what I need at every moment so that I can learn my next lesson in my growth process.
8. What changes do you want to make in your belief system so that you can react in your ideal way and be true to your ideals even when the other reacts in that way?
I want to free myself from all the beliefs listed in question 5 and strengthen all the beliefs in question 7.

D. Sample analysis for coping with Aloof persons:
1. What role or behavior annoys you on the part of the other?
When he remains silent and doesn’t communicate with me.
2. How do you usually react?

a. At first?
I put up with it for some time and then feel hurt and get angry. I alternately play the intimidator and the interrogator.
b. And afterwards?
I am sorry about getting angry but feel alone and cheated in this relationship and I continue to complain – I get into the role of the victim.
3. Do you almost always react in the same way, or do you frequently react differently? What is the cause for these different ways of reacting?
When I am feeling good about myself I let him have his space without taking it personally.
4. What emotions do you have which cause you to react in those ways?
Rejection, ignored, loneliness, fear that I have done something wrong, unloved, injustice, hurt, frustration, anger.
5. What do you believe which causes you to feel that way and react in those ways?
a. When the other does not communicate with me, he does not love me, respect me, trust me or care for me.
b. When the other does not communicate with me, I have done something wrong.
c. I need to communicate with him in order to solve problems and make decisions.
d. I cannot be happy without communication.
e. I need the others attention in order to feel his interest and my self worth.
f. No one cares for me.
g. I am alone in the world.
h. This is unfair and unjust.
i. If he cared for me he would communicate with me.
j. A person who is not paid attention to is lacking in self worth.

6. How would you like to react? What would be your ideal reaction?
I would like to remember that he has a problem and is closed up because he fears being open. I want also to remember that I am not to blame for this reaction. I want to remember that I am worthy and safe and can solve my problems even if he never opens up.
I will stop pressuring him and give him space to be alone so that he will gradually begin to feel his own need for contact with me.
I will explain to him that I need and want more communication but that I see the the negative results of pressuring or nagging him about it. I will also explain that I will be overjoyed if he would approach me when he feels the need to communicate more deeply, but that, until that time, I am going to start taking responsibility for my needs and my life. I am going to stop feeling that I am to blame for his silence and am going to start engaging in various activities which fulfill me and give meaning to my life. I will also explain that I would be very happy for him to partake in any of those activities with me, should he wish.
I am going to stop waiting for him to open up and will start paying attention to my responsibilities, to my creativity, to my learning and growth process. I have so many other things in my life which can give me happiness. And when he is in the mood, I will enjoy my communication with him.
7. What would you have to believe in order to be able to react in your ideal way?
a. Life gives me exactly what I need at every moment so that I can learn my next lesson in my growth process.
b. I am not responsible for the other’s silence.
c. He loves me and cares for me even if he cannot express it.
d. His closer is a result of his fears and anxieties.
e. Giving him his freedom and space, is the best way to allow his opening.
f. He is not my only source of happiness in life.
g. My self worth is not linked to his ability to open to me or not.
h. I can be fulfilled within myself even without some one to communicate with.
i. I can fulfill my needs by communicating with God daily.
j. I have many good friends and family members with whom to communicate.
k. Being loving, allowing his freedom and accepting him as he is, are the best ways to encourage his opening.
8. What changes do you want to make in your belief system so that you can react in your ideal way and be true to your ideals even when the other reacts in that way?
I want to free myself from all the beliefs listed in question 5 and strengthen all the beliefs in question 7.

YOUR TURN

I would suggest that you now begin to answer these questions for your self concerning the others’ roles and behaviors which bother you. You will get most benefit by not referring again to these samples until you have finished your analysis. You can then check the samples to see if they have something to offer you, which you might have forgotten.

(This book can be read in three ways. The first is to answer all the questionnaires as you read it. The second is to read it through once and then come back to answer the questionnaires. Here of course there is always the danger that, having completed the book, you will never give time to go back and answer them. The third is to read the book without answering them at all. This third possibility of course gives the least results.)

Now that we have analyzed and understood the beliefs which bind us to these mechanical reactions, we can begin to change them. One very good start is to share with the others in a loving and non-critical way, what we have discovered about our selves (Not about them). We can explain to them the changes we are going to try to make, and ask for their support in that effort. We must also be very careful not to use this knowledge egotistically, by telling the people around us what roles they are in and placing them in categories. This analysis is for our own transformation and not for controlling or hurting others. Another important aid is, while in deep relaxation, to imagine of ourselves being able to act in these alternative ways. We can also write twenty times a day the positive beliefs we want to strengthen. We may also need to work on our childhood years in order to get free from some of the beliefs which were programmed into us then. Other methods will be supplied as we go on.

THE ROLES WE PLAY ATTEMPTING TO GET ENERGY, ATTENTION OR CONTROL

In our previous analysis, we searched for our reactions to others. Our next step towards freedom is to analyze the roles which we play (independently of what the others are doing) when we want to get energy or attention from others or want to control them. Answering the questions in Fig 3. will help us clarify this matter.
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ANALYZING OUR OWN GAMES

1. Through which roles or behaviors do you (perhaps unconsciously) seek out people’s attention or try to protect your interests or to verify your self worth?
2. With whom do you play those roles? To whom do you behave in those ways?
3. What do you believe which makes you act in that way? (What might you subconsciously believe?)
4. How do the others react when you do this?
5. Would you like to act in some other way? According to your inner wisdom, what would be the ideal way for you to act?
6. What would you need to believe in order to be free to act in that ideal way?
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Fig. 3

Some examples might again be useful. The following answers are not in anyway absolute. They are one of many possible ways someone might answer these questions. Do not be limited by them.

A. POSSIBLE ANSWERS ON THE PART OF INTIMIDATORS

1. Through which roles or behaviors do you (perhaps unconsciously) seek out people’s attention, try to protect your interests or verify your self worth?
I shout at them, intimidate and threaten them, by raising my voice and speaking in an aggressive way.
2. With whom do you play those roles? To whom do you behave in those ways?
Mainly with the close members of my family. And on a few occasions with strangers who offend me or do me injustice.
3. What do you believe which makes you act in that way? (What might you subconsciously believe?)
a. That I am in danger of not getting what I want.
b. I am in danger of not being in control of everyone, and if that happens something horrible could happen. Something could go wrong.
c. If I am not in control and do not command everyone’s respect even through fear, then I am not worthy.
d. I am in danger if others do not obey me or do not do what I say.
e. The only way to get people to do what I want is by making them fear.
f. I could be easily hurt and this is the only way I can protect myself.
g. The others want to control me and get things from me and this is the only way I can protect myself.
h. I man must be the king of his house and all must obey me. If they do not then he is a failure.
i. I must not let anyone see my weakness or fear.
4. How do the others react when you do this?
They sometimes fear me and do what I say. At others times they become intimidators like me and we shout at each other. At other times they play the victim and I stop. Some people just start avoiding me and become aloof.
5. Would you like to act in some other way? According to your inner wisdom, what would be the ideal way for you to act?
I would like to feel more secure in my self and trust in the divine plan. I would like to be able to flow more and be more democratic and be able to listen to what the other wants without fearing and reacting in this way. I would like to be able to express clearly my needs, feelings and beliefs to the other so that he can understand what I need and cooperate with me without my having to shout and threaten him and thus push him away from me.
I would like to be able to share my fears and weaknesses with the other and express to him my needs in a clear and effective manner.
6. What would you need to believe in order to be free to act in that ideal way?
a. I am safe and secure in every situation.
b. My self worth is not in anyway dependent on how others act towards me.
c. I can get what I need from people, by expressing my needs clearly and effectively.
d. We can find peaceful solutions to our needs or value conflicts.
e. I prefer people to cooperate with me out of love rather than fear.
f. I would not like others to intimidate or threaten me.
g. I trust in God’s plan for me and my loved ones.
h. The others cannot learn through my experience, but through there own.
i. Everyone deserves my respect.
j. Everyone deserves to be listened to.

B. POSSIBLE ANSWERS ON THE PART OF INTERROGATORS

1. Through which roles or behaviors do you (perhaps unconsciously) seek out people’s attention, try to protect your interests or verify your self worth?
I ask questions in a way which creates doubt. I criticize people. I give advice even when it is not asked for. I speak about what is right and how things should be done.
2. With whom do you play those roles? To whom do you behave in those ways?
Mainly with family and friends. Seldom with people who are more intelligent than I, or who have greater ability to discourse.
3. What do you believe which makes you act in that way? (What might you subconsciously believe?)
a. Whoever knows more has more self worth.
b. Whoever is right is more worthy than the other.
c. As long as I know more, I am worth more.
d. I know better than the others.
e. I am not sure about my self worth and need to prove it in relationship to the others.
f. The only way in which I protect myself and my self worth is in this way.
g. Everyone is required to function according to my beliefs.
h. There can be only one right answer to a question and only one right way to do something.
i. Either I am right or they are. I must prove that I am.
j. I am the judge of all persons.

4. How do the others react when you do this?
They sometimes get upset and become intimidators. At other times they start giving me back the same criticism. Most simply start avoiding me. Some play the victim and make me feel guilty.
5. Would you like to act in some other way? According to your inner wisdom, what would be the ideal way for you to act?
I would like to feel more sure about my self worth. I would like to get free from my need to prove to the others how smart I am by telling what they are doing right or wrong. I would like to be able to accept people just as they are.
I will accept that each has his own way of thinking and learning. I will make suggestions when asked to. Having established within me my sense of self worth, I have no more need to criticize or test people. When I need attention or love, I will simply express it clearly. When things are not being done as I would like them to be, I will make an I message explaining why I believe that my way is preferable. I will not claim that I have the only true answer, but that in all my subjectivity, I prefer it to be done in that particular way.
I would like to accept myself and others exactly as we are.
6. What would you need to believe in order to be free to act in that ideal way?
a. I accept and love myself exactly as I am.
b. I accept and love others exactly as they are.
c. Our self worth is not a matter of who knows more, or who is right.
d. I respect other peoples’ need to grow and function in their own unique ways.
e. I respect the inner wisdom of each being I meet.
f. I would rather be loved than right.
g. I would not like an other to criticize and correct me continuously.

C. POSSIBLE ANSWERS ON THE PART OF THE VICTIM

1. Through which roles or behaviors do you (perhaps unconsciously) seek out people’s attention, try to protect your interests or verify your self worth?
I complain, feel sorry for my self, talk about my problems and present my self as weak and as the victim of other people’s unjust acts or negligence. Sometimes I do not say anything but just sacrifice my needs continually so that the others can have what they want. I make others feel indebted to me or responsible for my problems.
2. With whom do you play those roles? To whom do you behave in those ways?
Mainly with family and friends.
3. What do you believe which makes you act in that way? (What might you subconsciously believe?)
Beliefs which cause me to play the role of Victim:
a. I am the victim. I am weak.
b. Others create my reality. Others are to blame for my situation.
c. I cannot create the reality I want. I need others to help me.
d. If I am the victim, then I am a good person and the others are bad.
e. No one knows how much I suffer.
f. People will pay attention to me only if I have problems.
g. If I am fine, no one will care about me.
h. Since I am the victim and weak they must not pressure me, shout at me, ask much of me.
i. Since I am the victim, the others must change.
j. Since I am weak, the others must serve me.
k. The others are required to satisfy my needs.
l. If the others do not satisfy my needs, that means that they do not love me and do not care for me.
m. I am the center of the universe and all must address themselves to my needs.
n. I do not have the right to express my needs. They will never be paid attention to. Better not to express them and then complain later.
4. How do the others react when you do this?
They sometimes pay attention to me and try to help me. At others times, they get angry with me and play the intimidator or interrogator. A few just ignore or avoid me. And some play the same role back to me, telling me that I am responsible for their unhappiness.
5. Would you like to act in some other way? According to your inner wisdom, what would be the ideal way for you to act?
I would like to feel more self confidence and feel able to create the reality I desire. When I need someone’s attention or love, I will simply express that need to them, without having to present my self as weak or unhappy or use my problems as way to get others to pay attention to me, love me or help me.
I will take full responsibility for my reality and cease depending on others, waiting for others to solve my problems or blaming others for my situation. I will become more dynamic in creating what I want.
I will stop fearing others and feel my own self worth and inner security in relationship with every person, especially intimidators and interrogators.
6. What would you need to believe in order to be free to act in that ideal way?
a. I accept and love myself exactly as I am.
b. I accept and love others exactly as they are.
c. Life gives me exactly what I need at each moment in order to keep learning and growing.
d. I am 100% responsible for my reality.
e. I am 100% responsible for solving my problems.
f. I am 100% responsible for my health, happiness, economic situation and satisfaction in life.
g. I am interesting to others as I am, without my problems.
h. I would prefer having people’s pure love rather than force them to pay attention to me or do what I want by blackmailing them, by playing with their guilt.
i. I would not like anyone to play with my guilt or blame me for their unhappiness.
j. I express my needs in a clear way and expect that they will recognized and respected.
k. My needs and beliefs deserve to be respected.
l. I deserve happiness, health and success.

D. POSSIBLE ANSWERS ON THE PART OF THE ALOOF PERSON

1. Through which roles or behaviors do you (perhaps unconsciously) seek out people’s attention, try to protect your interests or verify your self worth?
I avoid contact, close into myself and do not express my needs, feelings. I seldom express any type of enthusiasm and usually wear a mask, which might appear happy or sad, but seldom express what is really going on inside me. I engage in activities which can occupy my attention which allow me to avoid contact with others.
2. With whom do you play those roles? To whom do you behave in those ways?
With almost everyone except for one or two persons with whom I feel accepted and safe.
3. What do you believe which makes you act in that way? (What might you subconsciously believe?)
Beliefs which cause me to play the role of Aloof:
a. I am in danger from other people.
b. Others do not accept me as I am.
c. If they knew how I feel inside they would loose their respect for me, reject me or use that to hurt me.
d. The others want to control me, use me or hurt me.
e. If I show interest in someone and they do not respond, I will be rejected and lose my self worth.
f. Better to be a loner than be hurt.
g. In this way I protect myself from losing time and energy with other people.
h. People may think I am silly if I express myself freely.
i. By being mysterious, people will pay attention to me and try to get my attention.
4. How do the others react when you do this?
Some just ignore me and let me be as I am. Others get angry and through the roles of the intimidator or interrogator, try to get my attention or get what they want from me. Some play the victim and try to get my attention in that way.
5. Would you like to act in some other way? According to your inner wisdom, what would be the ideal way for you to act?
I would like to be more open and express my feelings, needs or beliefs more freely. I would like to create deep communicative relationships in which I can express whatever is going on within me to the other. I would like to be free from the importance I give to what others think of me or how they will respond to me, and just be myself, without hiding. I would like to be more spontaneous and creative in my communication with others.
I want to believe in people again. I want to be free of fear towards the intimidators, free from the need to be accepted by the interrogators and free from the feel of responsibility for the victims and, thus, will have no need to close into myself.
6. What would you need to believe in order to be free to act in that ideal way?
a. I accept and love myself exactly as I am.
b. I feel safe and secure in expressing my needs, feelings, beliefs and interests in every situation.
c. Only by communicating can I create the loving reality that I desire.
d. I can be really happy only by expressing my real self.
e. I enjoy the process of self discovery which comes from open honest commutation.
f. When I do not communicate, I cut myself and others off from the flow of energy and love which nurtures and heals us.

YOUR TURN AGAIN

Now it is your turn to answer the above questions in Fig. 3. I suggest you do not refer to samples so as not to be affected by them.

Once having done the previous two analyses, the next stage is to make a list of the truths (fig 4.) we would like to remember in order to be able to:
1. React more positive and effectively towards those loved ones who are playing some of these roles and ,
2. Avoid playing these roles ourselves.

I will not give sample answers to these questions as they are already contained in answers to the last questions of above examples in fig. 2 and fig 3.
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POSITIVE BELIEFS WHICH I WOULD LIKE TO STRENGTHEN

A. In order to be positive, clear, loving and peaceful when coping with a:

1. Intimidator
_________________________________________________________________________________
2. Interrogator
_________________________________________________________________________________
3. Victim
_________________________________________________________________________________
4. Aloof
_________________________________________________________________________________

B. In order to avoid getting into those roles and playing them with others:

1. Intimidator
________________________________________
________________________________________

2. Interrogator
_________________________________________________________________________________

3. Victim
________________________________________________________________________________

4.Aloof
________________________________________

——————————————————————————–
_______________________________________
Fig. 4

HOW TO STRENGTHEN THESE POSITIVE BELIEFS.

What remains now is to be able to remember the truths which we have answered the above questions. Ways to do this will be discussed throughout this book, but briefly and few are:

1. Daily write some of them ten to twenty times. (Chapter 17)
2. Make a cassette, with a deep relaxation procedure in the beginning, and then speak these positive phrases into the cassette so that when we do the relaxation, these phrases will pass into our subconscious mind.
3. Discuss our desire to change the way we act with:
a. A person who understand such matters.
b. With a group of persons who is doing such work.
c. With the person with whom we want to stop playing these games.
4. Find an experienced person who can help us work on our childhood experiences which have created the beliefs which we now want to change. (Chapters 20 & 21)

5. Act as if you have already changed your beliefs.
a. What would you do if you already believed the positive beliefs – thoughtforms you want to develop, which you avoid doing until now because these positive beliefs are still weak in you. DO IT NOW.
b. What would you stop doing if these beliefs were stronger in you because you do these things now simply because these positive beliefs are not strong enough in you yet. STOP DOING IT NOW.

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