The self-deprogamming method for Love
From the book Love is the Choice by Robert Najemy
(Inspired by and adapted from the Sedona Method. See www.Sedona.com or the book The Sedona Method by Hale Dwoskin)
This simple method can effectively free us from fears and other obstacles to loving others and ourselves.
We have already established that we lose our love when we fear that our needs are in danger. We have mentioned specifically our doubts concerning our self-worth, security, freedom, pleasure, and control as the main causes of our fears and loss of love.
This method is based on some specific simple experiential steps. Although it can be used for a vast variety of emotions and purposes, we are describing here an application for the purpose of opening our hearts to love. (You can find audio guidance for this at www.HolisticHarmony.com)
We have also mentioned another very important point – that we are neither our mind nor our emotions. We are witnessing our emotions and thoughts. We cannot be what we are witnessing. In order to be aware of an emotion, we need to be something separate from that emotion. We are an ocean of consciousness and our emotions are waves temporarily comprised of that consciousness and as waves, their natural flow is to form and dissipate.
Our problem is that we do not allow emotions and energy do what is natural for them – grow, flow, change and dissipate. We tend to stop that flow by:
1. Fearing the emotion and not wanting to feel it, perhaps fearing to be overcome by it.
2. Not wanting to feel the pain associated with an emotion.
3. Fearing we might do something “bad” or out of control if we allow ourselves to feel an emotion.
4. Being ashamed of the emotion.
5. Feeling it is not appropriate for a man or a woman to feel that specific emotion.
6. Fearing being rejected by others when we have felt that emotion.
7. Fearing that we might not have the response or reciprocation we need if we express that need or emotion.
8. We feel worthy and safe with that emotion – such as pain, injustice, bitterness or anger.
9. We have felt this way for a long time and are afraid of change.
In a future chapter we will discuss in detail our fear of change and letting go of negative emotions.
For now we simply need to understand that we are not our emotions and we are not controlled by our emotions, but rather we are choosing subconsciously to hold on to our emotions and we can choose to let them go. This is a conscious choice we have the right to make.
Letting go of an emotion has nothing to do with rejecting it, conquering it, exiling it, fighting it or pushing it away. It is a passive process not an active one. We passively let that emotional energy flow, spread out and move on. We allow it to do what comes natural for any temporary wave of energy – flow and dissipate.
As children we more easily easily let emotions flow and dissipate naturally. We felt angry or hurt and within minutes we were playing again with the children who were supposedly responsible for how we felt. We quickly let go and allowed ourselves to be happy and friendly again. We seem to have lost that gift. This method will help us.
How do with do this self-deprogramming technique?
1. As in the previous two techniques (written affirmations and EFT), we choose a specific person to love freely even when he / she behaves in a specific way.
2. We bring that person to mind and remember the times he/she has behaved in that way. We pick a specific event or situation.
3. We allow ourselves to feel whatever we feel when we imagine that situation, behavior or event. We do not suppress or try to hide or control our feelings. We allow ourselves to feel them.
4. We accept the feelings – letting go of any fear or shame about the fact that we feel them. We welcome the feelings as if they were our inner children. We accept that part of ourselves is feeling that way.
5. We allow the emotional energy to flow through our body and mind like a wave of energy or vibration.
6. We allow ourselves to sink into that energy experiencing its source. At its source, we might come into contact with other feelings or past experiences. We simply observe, accept and let flow. As we sink deeper, we will discover that at the core of the emotion we feel when the other behaves in certain way is our fear that some basic need is being threatened, that we are in danger of losing our security, self-worth, freedom, control or pleasure.
7. We allow ourselves to experience and accept that need, that we have been programmed with that need. Or more accurately we have been programmed to doubt and fear for our self-worth, security, and freedom, and that we need very specific behavior from the others in order to feel safe regarding those needs. We accept that we have been programmed in this way.
8. Now having accepted and become reconciled with our emotion and need, we are ready to let it go. There are three basic ways for doing this.
a. We simply let go of the need to have security or self-worth in the way we were needing until now. We simply let go. For example, we cease to need the others approval or attention or agreement in order to feel our self-worth. We allow ourselves to cease needing that.
b. We accept a divine light or energy that flows throughout our body and mind dissolving that need and emotion.
c. We allow ourselves to feel within ourselves the quality or state we were seeking until now to feel through the others behavior. Rather than need approval to feel our self-worth, we experience our self-worth, security and freedom within our being. It is not something we need anymore, because we already have it. We already feel worthy and secure and thus need nothing from the others in order to feel so.
This last choice is an important step towards experiencing our true self which is not in a state of needing but is already in a state of fulfillment. We make a jump from identifying with the mind and personality to experiencing our higher self.
We do not let go of self-worth, security, freedom or control, we simply let go of the need for them and the doubt that we already have them. We cannot need what we already have and we can have what we need. As long as we need something, we do not have it. When we have it, we do not need it. When we experience inner self-worth, security, freedom and fulfillment, we are more able to love others unconditionally.
9. Now we repeat steps 2 to 8, over and over, bringing to mind the specific behavior, event or situation, observing how we feel and allowing ourselves to welcome and feel it. Then we allow it to expand throughout our body and mind and delve into its source, experiencing the need creating the emotion. We accept it and then let go of it in one or more of the mentioned ways or any ways that suit you personally.
We may at some point feel positive feelings when we bring the other’s behavior to mind. This is great. But even then we can continue with the exercise, feeling, allowing the positive feeling to fill us, accept it, experience its source and letting go again – even the positive feeling or need.
Some might balk at the idea of leaving the positive emotion. You have every right not to let it go. This is a choice. You can just hold on to it as long as you can. But if you choose this, you will be following the same pattern of holding, a choice that will soon bring the opposite negative feelings. The truth is that most of our positive emotions are actually also caused by needs, in this case, the fulfillment of needs. When we let go of the positive emotion, we are often taken into an even more beautiful state of consciousness beyond the dichotomy of fulfilled and unfilled needs. We are likely to experience unity with ourselves, others and life – even more subtle and positive than the love we usually experience. It is your choice what to do with positive feelings.
10. Once we have worked for some time with the various emotions we have when we remember the other behaving in this way, we can move on to the next stage. Here we imagine ourselves having only loving feelings towards the others while he or she is behaving in this way. We imagine that we love and accept this person and feel fine within ourselves even when he/she behaves in this way.
We then observe how we feel about this idea.
The we employ stages 2 to 8 with the feelings we have about idea of loving this person even when she/he behaves in this way.
We do this until we can actually accept and feel safe with that idea.
11. Then we can move forward and imagine ourselves embracing this person with love even when he/she behaves in this way
We observe how we feel and employ stages 2 to 8 until we can lovingly embrace that person even when they behave in this way.
12. Regardless as to how successful we have been, we can complete our inner work with positive projection in which we imagine that person in light, wishing for his/her health, happiness and success in life.
This process might take from 15 to 30 minutes and I would suggest that you do with your eyes closed sitting with the spine straight or lying flat on your back.
Whenever you like, you can then employ it for other persons and for other behaviors as you become more and more able to love unconditionally.
You can find guided mp3 files for this at: www.HolisticHarmony.com.