EΛEYΘEPIA

May 19, 2013

freedom-Zenos-Frudakis

EΛEYΘEPIA

Eλευθερώνομαι από τους εθισμούς μου σημαίνει ότι απελευθερώνομαι από το μηχανικό, από τον αυτόματο τρόπο σκέψης και δράσης.

Για τους περισσότερους από εμας, η ελευθερία μας περιορίζεται περισσότερο από τους εσωτερικούς μας φόβους, εθισμούς και προγραμματισμούς, παρά από εξωτερικά εμπόδια.

Όλοι ανησυχούν για την απειλή της ελευθερίας τους από εξωτερικές επιρροές, όπως είναι οι γονείς, οι σύζυγοι, οι εργοδότες και οι κυβερνήσεις.

Aλλά λίγοι έχουν καταλάβει ότι η πραγματική ελευθερία είναι εσωτερική.

Ότι η μεγαλύτερή μας σκλαβιά είναι ο νους μας, ο οποίος είναι μηχανικά προγραμματισμένος.

Eλευθερία σημαίνει να είσαι ευτυχισμένος, ακόμα κι όταν δεν μπορείς να έχεις αυτό στο οποιο εισαι προσκολλημένος.

Nα αισθάνεσαι ασφάλεια, ακόμα και όταν έχουν χαθεί οι πηγές κάθε ασφάλειας: τα χρήματα, η δουλειά, ο σύντροφός σου.

Eλευθερία είναι να νιώθεις ελεύθερος να μην θυμώνεις όταν δεν θέλεις να θυμώσεις και να έχεις την ικανότητα να μην ανησυχείς, όταν λογικά καταλαβαίνεις ότι χάνεις το χρόνο σου και δεν λύνεται κανένα πρόβλημα.

Eλευθερία σημαίνει ακόμα να αναπτυσσόμαστε πέρα από τα όρια που μας βάζουν οι φόβοι, τα άγχη και η αρνητική εικόνα που έχουμε για τον εαυτό μας.

Nα ελευθερωνόμαστε από τους προσωπικούς μας προγραμματισμούς, ώστε να μπορούμε να κατανοήσουμε και άλλες απόψεις και να μαθαίνουμε καινούρια πράγματα.

Σημαίνει να αγαπάμε ακόμα κι όταν οι άλλοι στέκονται εμπόδιο σε ό,τι θέλουμε να αποκτήσουμε ή έχουν αρνητική στάση απέναντί μας.

Eλευθερία σημαίνει να μπορούμε να ζούμε πάντα στο παρόν – στην παρούσα στιγμή – χωρίς περιορισμούς από σκέψεις για το παρελθόν και το μέλλον.

Kαι τέλος, πραγματική ελευθερία σημαίνει απελευθέρωση από την ταύτιση με το σώμα και την προσωπικότητα και ικανότητα συνειδητοποίησης της παγκόσμιας πνευματικής μας φύσης.

Από το Βιβλίο Η ΤΕΧΝΗ ΤΟΥ ΔΙΑΛΟΓΙΣΜΟΥ του Ρ.Η. Νατζεμυ

ΕΛΕΥΘΕΡΙΑ

Για ακόμα περισσότερα για το θέμα της Ελευθέριας, διαβάστε το βιβλίο Η ΕΛΕΥΘΕΡΙΑ ΝΑ ΕΙΣΑΙ Ο ΕΑΥΤΟΣ ΣΟΥ.

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Ή ΤΗΝ ΣΕΙΡΑ DVD ΠΑΝΩ ΣΤΟ ΘΕΜΑ

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Codependence or co-commitment?

April 3, 2013

mike-twohy-love-comes-and-goes-janet-but-this-is-true-co-dependency-new-yorker-cartoon

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Codependence or co-commitment?

From the book LOVE IS THE CHOICE By Robert Elias Najemy


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For some time now two new words have become very popular in studying the Psychology of Relationships. They are codependence and co-commitment and each describes a totally different types of relationships.

Codependence

Codependence describes a situation in which two people are dependent or addicted to each other. We lose the ability to be happy within ourselves and become dependent on each other for our feelings of meaningfulness, safety and self worth. We are limited by the relationship rather than helped to grow within it.

Codependence breeds antagonism and games in which one tries to control the other, often through various roles, by intimidating, questioning, criticizing, playing the victim or retreating into oneself and becoming aloof.

Such relationships often result in vicious circles in which no one changes and no one is happy. We might even undermine our own happiness and power because we are afraid to be happy or strong when the other is not. Promises or perhaps even threats that serious changes are going to take place seldom become reality.

We feel responsible for the other¢s reality and cannot let him or her feel unhappy. We try to change the other¢s mood, and until the other changes, we cannot feel happy ourselves. Our state of mind is dependent upon the other¢s condition, behavior and attitude.

In codependence, our fears prevent us from telling the whole truth to the other and sometimes even to ourselves.

Criticism becomes a major form of communication and arguments continuously recycle. Most arguments revolve around the ancient game of “who is right.”

When we are dependent on someone, we will often deny our own needs and even our values in order to ensure the other¢s acceptance and / or approval. We might find ourselves not only ignoring our needs, but also doing things we do not really want to do.

C0-commitment

In co-commitment, we feel close to each and want to share our lives without feeling dependent or that we cannot be happy alone or with someone else. We want the other to be happy and we do whatever we can in order to help him or her be happy, but do not believe we are responsible if he or she is not. We can continue being happy even when the other is not.

We see the relationship as a growth process and know that essential to that growth is being able to be truthful with ourselves and each other. We learn to be truthful about needs, thoughts and feelings.

We love each other and want the other to blossom and succeed in whatever he or she chooses to pursue. There is no antagonism, but rather mutual support and encouragement. We feel joy rather than jealousy when the other succeeds.

In co-commitment, we take 100% responsibility for our reality and allow the other to do the same. We do not expect the other to solve our problems or make us happy. That is our responsibility. Also we realize that we cannot make the other happy. We help and support each other, but cannot create the other¢s reality.

Moving from codependency to co-commitment

In co-commitment, we learn to confront our fears of becoming intimate. This is not always easy at first as we may have fears about getting very close to someone. Some of those fears might be:

a. I am not worthy, and if the other knows me well, he or she will not want to be with me.

b. I might be hurt, rejected or betrayed.

c. The other might abandon me and I will not be able to cope.

d. I will lose my freedom.

e. I will not be able to be myself.

A part of the co-commitment relationship is to be able to be intimate while simultaneously independent. Few have managed to find this balance. Some have mastered the ability to be close, but find it difficult to be happy alone. Others may find it easier to be alone, but are not able to be intimate.

Some of the behaviors that possibly exhibit a fear of being very close with someone might be:

a. We withdraw into ourselves and avoid deep or meaningful contact with the other.

b. We mentally manufacture faults in the other so that we are justified in not getting closer.

c. We become emotionally numb and lose contact with our feelings.

d. We start arguments in order to create a distance from the other.

e. We subconsciously create an illness that prevents us from getting closer.

f. We tend to live in the past and avoid the present, and thus contact with the other.

g. We become absorbed in our work, hobby or any activity in order to avoid the other.

The above reactions are unconscious self-protective mechanisms, which unfortunately seldom protect us and always imprison us in lives without love or growth. Such reactions will be even more prevalent when the others are playing roles such as intimidator or interrogator and in some cases even victim and aloof.

But just as we have the fear getting close to the other, we also fear being too far away. There is a Greek saying, “We cannot be happy together and cannot be happy apart.”  When then can we be happy? This is the nature of codependence – fear of being close and fear of being apart.

Another anecdote illustrates the twin fears of being close and being apart. A son asks his father for advice. “Father I do not know what to do, get married or not.” The father shakes his head, “What can I tell you my son, whatever you choose, you will regret it.”

Personal space and time

Our movement toward co-commitment means overcoming the fear of being apart. This does not mean separating, but rather being able to feel comfortable when the other may need his or her “space” or personal time in which he or she can do things without us. One of us might want to walk alone, listen to music, pray or meditate, attend a lecture or seminar or go out with old friends or classmates.

There are times when we might not want to do anything special, but would simply like to be alone. We need this occasionally in order to relax more deeply and renew our energy body. When we are with others, we frequently feel the need to be in a state of alertness. Perhaps we feel the need to communicate with them or serve them in some way. Many of us cannot be ourselves in front of others. Thus, most of us need some time alone when we can simply be ourselves.

Unfortunately, many relationship partners do not feel comfortable taking this time for themselves or giving it to the other. Some reasons for this are:

a. We feel abandoned by the other or fear the other will feel abandoned by us.

b. We are afraid the other cannot take care of himself, or we have not learned to care for ourselves.

c. We think, “If the other really loved me, he or she would always want to be with me. He or she would always prefer me to his or her friends. Couples must be always together.”

d. In some countries, such as the Mediterranean and Arab countries, it is inconceivable to some men that their wives could possibly leave the house and have interests other than the family. Thus, these men feel hurt and even demeaned by the fact that their wives might enjoy a series of lectures or a small excursion only with the ladies. They might fear losing control, something that is important to their sense of security and male self-image. As always, there are exceptions.

e. Some of us are unable to entertain ourselves while alone. We have no interests with which to occupy ourselves. All our energy is locked into others, and when they are not there, we do not know what to do, how to pass the time. We have not learned to be by ourselves or how to occupy ourselves. This is why many people, when they are alone for some period of time, immediately get on the telephone or turn on the TV.

Moving from codependence to co-commitment means facing these fears and being able to be happy and fulfilled even without our loved one, at least for short periods of time.

Sensitive issues

Another problem of codependence is that we tend to function unconsciously or automatically, relative to certain issues, often getting sucked into the roles of the intimidator, interrogator, victim and aloof. Some of those issues that trigger those roles are:

a. Whether we can trust the other or not.  We think, “She might abandon me.” ” He might cheat on me.” “She might hurt me.” “He might try to suppress me.” As a result we get locked into control games, functioning unconsciously without love or real communication.

b. The question of authority, power and control. Who will decide what will happen? Who will get his or her way? Whose will is going to prevail? We unconsciously engage in games for power and control so we can satisfy our needs.

c. Our feelings of self-worth are very fragile and easily shaken by rejection or other¢s behaviors. We then become defensive in our attempt to protect our self-image.

d. We have feelings that have been repressed in us for many years. Some may be from this relationship and others from those much earlier in our lives. These feelings are unpleasant and we often seek to conceal them. All of these unconscious reactions dampen our vitality and obstruct honest communication.

e. Sexual issues are often difficult to deal with because we have an inherent feeling of shame about our sexual needs, and also because much of our self-image as men or women is tied up in being sexually desired by our partner.

These issues are seldom discussed in a mature and honest manner so they can be solved. We often try to get what we want by accusing, threatening, criticizing, avoiding, playing the victim, etc.

We need to be able to discuss these needs and issues openly and maturely so that each can get what he or she needs from this conscious love relationship. We need to communicate about our fears of being hurt, the games we see we are playing for control, our doubts about our self-worth, our deeper suppressed feelings and our sexual needs or lack thereof.

Thus, we have a choice to make. We can allow these and other issues to silently destroy our happiness, our relationship and often our health, or we can begin to face them directly in the following way:

a. Discover what we really feel, need and think.

b. Examine, analyze and seek to understand exactly why we feel, need and think what we have discovered.

c. Take responsibility for our needs, feelings and our life situation. The other is not responsible for what we are feeling or creating in our lives.

d. Share what we have discovered with our loved one without criticism or blame.

d. Work internally on getting free from anything we feel is obstructing our happiness or love.

e. Work with the other on finding solutions that satisfy both of us.

Recreating our childhood

Another aspect of moving from codependence to co-commitment is to free ourselves from our childhood programming. Many of us tend to “recreate or attract” one or both of our parents in our spouse or even in our children. We unconsciously choose persons who are very similar or opposite to our parents. We also tend to embody our parents’ qualities in our selves. In this way, we work through various dramas that were initiated in our childhood years.

If we function unconsciously relative to these issues from our past, they will simply fester and poison our happiness and relationship. So many times, while counseling persons having difficulty with their loved ones, we have come to the very clear conclusion that they are simply recreating what happened with one or both of the parents, and that, if they do not work on transforming what happened in the past, the possibilities for harmony in their present relationship are slim.

Maria and John

Maria and John love and respect each other, but they are plagued with frequent arguments and clashes in which each departs feeling hurt and abused. John feels Maria does not accept him, always tells him what to do, or questions what he has done. He perceives her as his interrogator.

When John feels that Maria doubts his ability or his judgment, he interprets that she is doubting his self-worth, something his mother did continuously by telling him he would never accomplish anything in his life. He then protects himself by shouting angrily so as to intimidate her.

Maria fears his behavior, as this is exactly what her father did when she was a child. She backs off and closes into herself for days, feeling misunderstood, hurt and abused. She now feels that she is the victim.

John also closes up, feeling hurt and unappreciated for all that he does for the family. He cannot accept having his every action and decision doubted. Feeling victimized, he becomes aloof and avoids communication at least for a few days.

Maria then feels left out and rejected because John is not communicating. She feels that he does not love her and begins to seek his attention sometimes in negative ways.

This goes on and on because Maria has not yet worked out her fear of her father and John has not confronted the rejection of his mother. Their freedom lies in working with their inner child.

This process is discussed in the book the Psychology of Happiness and on our web site www.HolisticHarmony.com.

Olga and George

Olga and George also love and respect each other very much. Olga, however, is very much annoyed by George¢s smoking. The smoke bothers her physically, but she is emotionally hurt because he continues even though she has explained how much it bothers her. She is hurt more by George¢s ignoring her request than by the smoke itself. She thinks, “If he loved me, he would comply with my request.”

This is a reenactment of her childhood years when she learned that her needs as a child and as a woman were “not important” and that others would not pay attention to them. She became programmed to believe that, as a woman, she was simply there to serve and sacrifice.

George loves and admires his wife. He, however, feels that as the man of the house, he cannot be running out to the balcony every time he wants to smoke. This is his home which he has created through his hard work. He doesn¢t want to bother his wife with his smoke, but he cannot accept being limited in this way. He feels that his self-image as a man is being intimidated by her request.

This too is reflection of his childhood when his parents limited his freedom of expression.  He now wants to be free to do as he pleases. Olga also wants to be able to express her needs and have them respected.

Each will have to work on transforming those childhood experiences. In addition, they would do well to employ techniques for solving problems where their needs conflict. The chapter on conflict resolution guides on how to resolve conflict in needs between couples.

The following checklist helps to summarize the difference between codependence and co-commitment.

SYMPTOMS OF CODEPENDENCY

1. We need the others approval. We fear his or her rejection.

2. We cannot feel well if the other does not feel well.

3. We need to solve the other¢s problems for him.

4. We cannot be happy unless the other is satisfied with us.

5. We need to protect the other or be protected by him or her.

6. We need the other in order to feel secure, worthy or happy.

7. We are afraid to tell the truth because the other might become hurt or angry.

8. We lose contact with our needs and live through the other¢s needs.

9. We cannot imagine living without the other.

10. We compete for power and self-worth.

11. We avoid participating in the other¢s interests.

SYMPTOMS OF CO-COMMITMENT

1. We accept ourselves and the other.

2. We want the other to be well, but can be well when he cannot or chooses not to be.

3. We help the other in any way we can, but do not take responsibility for solving his or her problems.

4. We want the other to be satisfied, but can be happy even when he or she is not.

5. We have faith in our mutual ability to protect ourselves.

6. We feel safe, secure and happy from within.

7. We communicate truthfully in all cases.

8. We try to find a fair balance between our needs and the other¢s.

9. We want to be together and enjoy each other, but can accept sometimes being apart.

10. We empower each other.

11. We participate in each other¢s interests.

 

Life Lessons no 4 – To Communicate or Not?

March 7, 2012

Life Stories and Lessons 
S4 SITUATIONS & LESSONS No. 4 – TO COMMUNICATE OR NOT
 

Melina solves her problems by talking and using her husband as a sounding board.

She is also an interrogator. She has learned to get what she wants in a very subtle ways by using her logic and debating abilities to get her husband to see things the way she does, or do things in the way she would like.

This is essential for her, because she has many fears and is dependent on Kostas for her sense of security. Her father died when she was only two and she has now found both a husband and a father in Kostas. But she also needed things to go according to her beliefs in order to feel secure. Thus she has two basic prerequisites in order to feel secure. The one is for her to be able to control things so that they unfold as she believes they must in order to be safe. Secondly she must have Kostas by her side and convince him that her way is right.

Thus Melina became the perfect “lawyer” who would think out before hand each strategy concerning what she was going to say to Kostas to convince him.

Kostas had an overbearing mother who suppressed him and did not allow him any freedom of expression. He was suffocated under her strong personality. He moved into two roles to protect himself. First he would try the role of the “Aloof” ignoring her when she came asking something. When that did not work, he would resort to the “intimidator”, raising his voice and creating fear so that she would retreat and leave him alone. Otherwise he felt he was being controlled through all this talking.

Melina would then move into the role of the victim, feeling hurt that Kostas had raised his voice and spoken aggressively.

Each, controlled by needs carrying over from the childhood years, was now dead locked into a reoccurring game. Melina played the interrogator and then the victim in order to get what she wanted from Kostas so she could feel safe. Kostas played the Aloof and then the Intimidator in order to establish his freedom from control and pressure to do something he didn”t want to.

Another factor which aggravated the problem, was that both were also playing the “who is right” game. Each needed to be right and have the other accept that he or she was right.This caused them get locked for hours into endless rebuttals and counter rebuttals as each tried to prove his point. This usually ended up with Kostas shouting and leaving to play the Aloof and Melina’s going off to cry in the role of the victim.

What might they have to learn?

Melina: Does she need to learn to feel safe even when she cannot control people and events? Or to feel safe without Kostas? Or that she can feel her self worth without proving to the other that he is right? Does she need to find a better timing for when to approach Kostas? Perhaps she needs to work on her fear of abandonment created by her loss of her father as a child? Does she need to see how her need to control is pushing Kostas into the roles of intimidator and Aloof? Perhaps she needs to feel secure within herself? Or perhaps to try to discover what it is she might be doing which causes the other to not want to communicate ( not feel safe in communicating)? Or to learn to feel unity with the other even without verbal communication? Perhaps she needs to talk less or only about essential subjects? Or to have more self-confidence and not need so much the other’s approval?Or to be able to let some things pass and develop on their own without feeling the need to plan and control absolutely everything? Or to accept and love herself even when the he cannot respond? Perhaps to be able to express her needs and feelings clearly, lovingly and assertively? Or to become more interested in the others needs and not only in her need to talk? Or even to find new ways to create feelings of unity between them? Perhaps she needs to learn to leave him alone for a period of time and let him open up at his own rate?

Kostas: Does he need to learn to listen to Melina without fearing being controlled? Does he need to understand her needs and fears? Perhaps he needs to work with his own fears of being controlled especially by a woman? Perhaps if he gave more attention to Melina voluntarily, she would not need to approach him in the role of the interrogator for his attention? Does he too need to get free from the need to have the her accept that he is right?

How can they come together? Only through deep analysis of themselves can each find his lesson. Only when each finds his lesson and learns it can he get free. Chapters 2,3, 9,13,18 and 19 will be especially helpful.

 



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You can download an ebook with 52 life situations and possible lessons that each might have in those situations at

 

http://www.armonikizoi.com/store/products/life-coach-2-situations-and-lessons

The situations included in that ebook are the following.

 

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 LIFE STORIES AND LESSONS

 

These contain possible lessons to be learned. The stories involve real-life scenarios and offer us a clearer and deeper understanding deeply our own life situations.

 

We are educators and believe in the information we are sharing with you. But we are not doctors and cannot take any responsibility for you health. Ultimately in all cases, even with your doctors, you are responsible for your health and must follow your inner voice concerning how to maintain your health or heal your self. If you have any doubt about any suggestions you find here, consult your doctor or simply do not employ them.

 

 

S01 Self Suppression  – Anna does whatever she is asked to do despite the fact that she doesn’t want to and then feels that she has been done injustice to.

 

S02  Super Woman – Katerina is very conscientious, a hard worker and reliable in all cases. No one knows she has needs and feels hurt.

 

S03  They Have Nothing In Common – They are married and have nothing in common.

 

S04  To Communicate Or Not – Melina solves her problems by talking and using her husband as a sounding board. He is aloof and prefers not to talk.

 

S05  Jealousy – Vasilis is very jealous of Efi and does not want her out of the house at all without him.

 

S06  Different Sexual Needs – She lost her desire for sexual contact very early in her marriage. He feels rejected and suppressed.

 

S07  He Doesn’t Love Me –  She is unhappy because her husband does not love her.

 

S08  Illness – Gina’s long standing illness has become a source of tension for all her family.

 

S09  Fear And Jealousy, Suppression And Reaction – She is not very sure of herself as woman. She doubts whether a man can stay interested in her.

 

S10  Social Life – He does not feel comfortable with people. She needs frequent social contact.

 

S11   Anger – Vicky never expresses her anger, but receives everyone else’s.

 

S12  Anxiety – She has continual anxiety about her children.

 

S13  Our Happiness Is Dependent On How The Other Is – Anastasia cannot feel well when her husband Antonis is one is not well.

 

S14  Shame – She often feels ashamed of her husband’s behavior.

 

S15  Does Not Keep Agreements – He says “YES” to what he is requested, but then does not do it.

 

S16  If They Loved Me, They Would Respond To My Needs. – Aliki is hurt and angry because no one in her family love her enough to respond to her needs.

 

S17  Perfectionism – Marina is a perfectionist and this annoys her husband, Dionisis.

 

S18  Mother In Law – Elias is caught between two women he loves, his wife and his mother.

 

S19  What To Do? – Argyro loves Stellios but she is not “in love” with him. He has proposed marriage. What she should do?

 

S20  Losing Weight And Smoking Cigarettes – He rejects her for being overweight and she retaliates about his smoking.

 

S21  Strength And Fear – Emotion And Logic – A few years ago she had an experience in which she almost fainted in the center of the City.

 

S22  Mirroring Negativity – Nikos had the need to share his problems with his wife when he arrived home from work.

 

S23  His Wife Is Missing From The House Continually – He feels rejected and demeaned by the fact that his wife is out of the house so much.

 

S24  A 30 Year Old Child – Both Froso and her husband experience inner and outer conflict because their thirty year old son has not yet become economically independent.

 

S25  Meaningful Work – He is dissatisfied with his work, and wants to stop. His wife is afraid he might leave it.

 

S26  Fear Of Death – Giorgos, now fifty two, had always been a strong a capable man. Now he fears death.

 

S27  Addiction – He is an alcoholic. Both he and his family suffer.

 

S28  Just Divorced – Margarita was just left by her husband who went off with another woman.

 

S29  Death Of Loved One – Sophia who is only 45, with three children, lost her husband three months ago.

 

 

THE LIFE SITUATIONS FROM NO. 30 AND ON ARE FROM THE BOOK

 The Psychology of Happiness

 

 

S30  Communication Problems – Anna enjoys sharing her feelings with her husband Paul. She also needs to know what he is feeling and thinking. When she is unable to communicate with him, she feels neglected and unloved.

 

S31 Anxiety About Grades – John and Barbara have three children in junior and senior school. Their house witnesses frequent battles concerning how much the children need to study and what grades are acceptable.

 

S32  Fear That He Is Having An Affair – Wendy is sure that her husband Mark is having an affair. She doesn’t have absolute proof but she just knows it in her heart. She is afraid and deeply hurt and disappointed. She feels rejected, demeaned, betrayed, quite insecure, not to mention angry.

 

S33  Alcoholic Father And Husband – Mary’s father was an abusive alcoholic. Her husband Tony is following in his footsteps. As is quite common, Mary has selected a husband who is simply a continuation of her father.

 

S34  Mother-In-Law – Phillip’s mother- in- law Olga has moved in. She tends to intrude into their lives, telling them what they are doing wrong and criticizing their behavior; especially concerning how they bring up their children.

 

S35  The Absent Spouse – Janice’s Husband Ted is seldom home. He prefers the office, the club and the bar. On the weekends he goes hunting with his male friends.

 

S36  Self Evaluation – Today Charles has discovered that his coworker Andy had a more successful professional year than he did. Andy sold more accounts and was commended and promoted by the company.

 

S37  Self Suppression – Susan suppresses herself in order to be accepted and loved. However, those around her don’t do the same. She feels mistreated. She feels hurt and mentally complains and criticizes. She feels that she is being done an injustice to, but he never shares this with others. For her, the others are not correct, because they treat her unjustly.

 

S38  The Intimidator – Elias is an Intimidator. He seeks to control others by making them fear him. He obstructs them from asking anything of him or from controlling him, by making them afraid to approach. He does this by shouting, intimidating, accusing, threatening and occasionally even resorting to physical violence. He uses other people’s fear and self doubt to control them.

 

S39  The Interrogator – Katherine plays the role of the interrogator.  She would have made a good lawyer. She controls others by playing with their need for her approval. She does this by criticizing, doubting, giving advice and, in general, creating doubt about the others’ ability or correctness in what they are doing.

 

S40  The Aloof – Manfred tends to withdraw into himself and seldom communicates his feelings, thoughts or needs. His wife and children find him to be aloof.  He distances himself from others, avoiding meaningful or honest emotional contact.

 

S41  The Victim – Martha, 75 years old, has identified with the role of the victim since she got married fifty years ago.  She plays on the others’ pity and guilt. When they are angry with her, she protects herself from their rage and aggression by playing the weak abused person, usually crying.

 

S42  Cannot Be Happy When Others Are Not – Tatiana is very sensitive and identifies emotionally with those close to her. She finds it very difficult to be happy when anyone near her is not well, either physically or emotionally. She feels responsible. She also believes that it is not proper to be happy when someone she loves is not well.

 

S43  Do Not Change My Program – Albert is a very organized person. He likes everything to be in its place and to be in control in all situations. In order to feel safe, he needs to be functioning within a program. He needs for this program to be airtight and not change.  If for some reason beyond his control what he has programmed should change, he loses his serenity and can become very negative and even threatening.

 

S44  Perfect, Strong And Conscientious – Janet is a superwoman. She is extremely capable, efficient and conscientious. When she has something to do, she will not rest until it is accomplished. She can not live with “matters pending”. She can rest only when they have been completed.

 

S45  Fear Concerning The Children – Nora has intense fears concerning her children’s welfare. She is afraid of their becoming ill and has nightmares about the possibility of their departing from their bodies. She also fears that they might become involved in drugs, be kidnapped, have an accident or in some way be harmed. She simply cannot handle the possibility of her children being harmed in any way.

 

S46  Parental Pressure – Steven is a student at a well-known university. He is not happy. He has lost interest in his major and does not want to continue. His parents will not even discuss the possibility of his not completing his degree. He is fast approaching a depressive state, as he sees no solution.

 

S47  Loud Neighbors – Beverly lives with her husband and children in an apartment building. The tenants upstairs seem have little awareness of or respect for others. They play their television and stereo quite loud until early hours of the morning and walk in such a way so as to create a loud tapping noises with their ever step.

 

S48  Good, Righteous And Spiritual – Paul is very much identified with the role of the “good, righteous and spiritual person”. That is not to say that he is not a good person, but that he bases his self worth on this fact and wants to appear even more “spiritual” than he is.

 

S49  Weak,   Incapable And Dependent – Hubert feels weak and incapable. He has been programmed in this way by a weak mother and a domineering and demeaning father. He has come to perceive himself as unable to face the difficulties of life.

 

S50  The Rebel The Revolutionary, The Negative, The Antagonist. – Jake is a rebel. He easily feels suppressed and reacts in ways to protect his freedom often from imaginary dangers. He believes that others cant to control him and prevent him from doing what he would like to do.

 

S51 <a href=”/archives/lessons/s_51.asp”>The Parent The Savior, The Teacher, The Responsible – Anthony is a “savior”. He feels responsible for all around him. He believes that he must save them and keep them well and happy. He cannot rest when someone he feels responsible for is not well or happy. He feels that he has failed in his “role”. Others can easily use or control him, by making him feel that he is responsible for their reality.

 

S52  The Guilty, The Sinner, The Bad, The Evil One – Susan has a tendency to feel guilty. She has been programmed to believe that she is unworthy, evil a sinner. This causes her to incessantly seek her self worth through others. She spends tremendous amounts of energy attempting to prove her self worth through her professional endeavors, her service to others.

 

 

 

 

Life Lessons no 3 – They Have Nothing in Common

Life Stories and Lessons 
S3 SITUATIONS AND LESSONS NO. 3 – THEY HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON
Voula and Makis have nothing in common.

They cannot communicate. Both feel lonely, disappointment and injustice. As they have completely different interests and opinions on just about everything, one would wonder why they got married in the first place.

That is the power of Erotas. His job is to get people together who have something to teach each other and something to learn from each other. He does this by making them blind to the fact that the other has many things which annoys us. When the effect of Erotas’ arrows pass and we wake up from our dream, we find our that we are married to a person who embodies many behaviors which annoy us and that often they have a completely different value system.

This is also augmented by the fact that Voula has begun to search for something deeper through self analysis and self knowledge seminars. She has begun to move in directions which Makis rejects. And thus the gap between them is widening.

Both feel cheated because they both want to be with someone who thinks like them and fits their mold of what a man or woman should be.

He wants her to be at home more, to attend to himself and the children exclusively. He wants her to pay more attention to her appearance and to agree with him on everything.

She wants him more sensitive, more expressive of what he is feeling. She would like to share her psychological and philosophical discoveries with him. He is not only not interested, but also intimidated by the fact that she has something else in her life besides him, and that she may even be able to be better at something than he is. This is unbearable for him as a man and thus he tries through the role of the “intimidator” to stop her.

Voula, after playing the victim for a number of years, has now with her psychological skills become the perfect interrogator, attacking back with her analysis of his fears and complexes, something which makes Makis even more outraged, and then he really gets into the intimidator role, even threatening her with physical violence, if she doesn’t stop that psychological stuff.

Where will this end if each does not learn his and her own lessons? What do they need to learn?

Voula: Is her lesson to try to help her husband feel secure with her? Perhaps show more interest is his interests? Are they both playing the game of who is right? Does she need to stop playing this game? Does she need to learn to use her analysis on her self only and not as weapon against her husband? Does she need to learn to sacrifice what she wants occasionally so that she can help him feel more secure and loved? Or does she need to follow what really interests her and let him be responsible for his reality? Or both? Does she need to remember that he is exactly the husband she needs for her growth process and that she is not the victim and that no mistake has been made, and that she couldn’t evolve better with someone else?

Makis: Does he need to become more secure in himself? More understanding and less fearful of his wife’s needs and activities? Does he too need to try out approaching his wife by partaking in her interests? Does he need to show her more affection and love? Does he need to reevaluate his prototypes for what a wife must be like so that he can accept his wife for what she is, rather than try to make her be what he would like her to be?

Both: Perhaps both need to remember that the other is their teacher. And to approach the other with love and an open mind and open heart. Both might need to let go of the game who is right, and put listening and loving above being right. Perhaps both need to be able to feel close to the other even when the other does not agree. This will take a high degree of inner security and self acceptance on both parts.

Both need to work with the exercises in this book very much.


*************************

 

You can download an ebook with 52 life situations and possible lessons that each might have in those situations at

 

http://www.armonikizoi.com/store/products/life-coach-2-situations-and-lessons

The situations included in that ebook are the following.

 

******************

 

 LIFE STORIES AND LESSONS

 

These contain possible lessons to be learned. The stories involve real-life scenarios and offer us a clearer and deeper understanding deeply our own life situations.

 

We are educators and believe in the information we are sharing with you. But we are not doctors and cannot take any responsibility for you health. Ultimately in all cases, even with your doctors, you are responsible for your health and must follow your inner voice concerning how to maintain your health or heal your self. If you have any doubt about any suggestions you find here, consult your doctor or simply do not employ them.

 

 

S01 Self Suppression  – Anna does whatever she is asked to do despite the fact that she doesn’t want to and then feels that she has been done injustice to.

 

S02  Super Woman – Katerina is very conscientious, a hard worker and reliable in all cases. No one knows she has needs and feels hurt.

 

S03  They Have Nothing In Common – They are married and have nothing in common.

 

S04  To Communicate Or Not – Melina solves her problems by talking and using her husband as a sounding board. He is aloof and prefers not to talk.

 

S05  Jealousy – Vasilis is very jealous of Efi and does not want her out of the house at all without him.

 

S06  Different Sexual Needs – She lost her desire for sexual contact very early in her marriage. He feels rejected and suppressed.

 

S07  He Doesn’t Love Me –  She is unhappy because her husband does not love her.

 

S08  Illness – Gina’s long standing illness has become a source of tension for all her family.

 

S09  Fear And Jealousy, Suppression And Reaction – She is not very sure of herself as woman. She doubts whether a man can stay interested in her.

 

S10  Social Life – He does not feel comfortable with people. She needs frequent social contact.

 

S11   Anger – Vicky never expresses her anger, but receives everyone else’s.

 

S12  Anxiety – She has continual anxiety about her children.

 

S13  Our Happiness Is Dependent On How The Other Is – Anastasia cannot feel well when her husband Antonis is one is not well.

 

S14  Shame – She often feels ashamed of her husband’s behavior.

 

S15  Does Not Keep Agreements – He says “YES” to what he is requested, but then does not do it.

 

S16  If They Loved Me, They Would Respond To My Needs. – Aliki is hurt and angry because no one in her family love her enough to respond to her needs.

 

S17  Perfectionism – Marina is a perfectionist and this annoys her husband, Dionisis.

 

S18  Mother In Law – Elias is caught between two women he loves, his wife and his mother.

 

S19  What To Do? – Argyro loves Stellios but she is not “in love” with him. He has proposed marriage. What she should do?

 

S20  Losing Weight And Smoking Cigarettes – He rejects her for being overweight and she retaliates about his smoking.

 

S21  Strength And Fear – Emotion And Logic – A few years ago she had an experience in which she almost fainted in the center of the City.

 

S22  Mirroring Negativity – Nikos had the need to share his problems with his wife when he arrived home from work.

 

S23  His Wife Is Missing From The House Continually – He feels rejected and demeaned by the fact that his wife is out of the house so much.

 

S24  A 30 Year Old Child – Both Froso and her husband experience inner and outer conflict because their thirty year old son has not yet become economically independent.

 

S25  Meaningful Work – He is dissatisfied with his work, and wants to stop. His wife is afraid he might leave it.

 

S26  Fear Of Death – Giorgos, now fifty two, had always been a strong a capable man. Now he fears death.

 

S27  Addiction – He is an alcoholic. Both he and his family suffer.

 

S28  Just Divorced – Margarita was just left by her husband who went off with another woman.

 

S29  Death Of Loved One – Sophia who is only 45, with three children, lost her husband three months ago.

 

 

THE LIFE SITUATIONS FROM NO. 30 AND ON ARE FROM THE BOOK

 The Psychology of Happiness

 

 

S30  Communication Problems – Anna enjoys sharing her feelings with her husband Paul. She also needs to know what he is feeling and thinking. When she is unable to communicate with him, she feels neglected and unloved.

 

S31 Anxiety About Grades – John and Barbara have three children in junior and senior school. Their house witnesses frequent battles concerning how much the children need to study and what grades are acceptable.

 

S32  Fear That He Is Having An Affair – Wendy is sure that her husband Mark is having an affair. She doesn’t have absolute proof but she just knows it in her heart. She is afraid and deeply hurt and disappointed. She feels rejected, demeaned, betrayed, quite insecure, not to mention angry.

 

S33  Alcoholic Father And Husband – Mary’s father was an abusive alcoholic. Her husband Tony is following in his footsteps. As is quite common, Mary has selected a husband who is simply a continuation of her father.

 

S34  Mother-In-Law – Phillip’s mother- in- law Olga has moved in. She tends to intrude into their lives, telling them what they are doing wrong and criticizing their behavior; especially concerning how they bring up their children.

 

S35  The Absent Spouse – Janice’s Husband Ted is seldom home. He prefers the office, the club and the bar. On the weekends he goes hunting with his male friends.

 

S36  Self Evaluation – Today Charles has discovered that his coworker Andy had a more successful professional year than he did. Andy sold more accounts and was commended and promoted by the company.

 

S37  Self Suppression – Susan suppresses herself in order to be accepted and loved. However, those around her don’t do the same. She feels mistreated. She feels hurt and mentally complains and criticizes. She feels that she is being done an injustice to, but he never shares this with others. For her, the others are not correct, because they treat her unjustly.

 

S38  The Intimidator – Elias is an Intimidator. He seeks to control others by making them fear him. He obstructs them from asking anything of him or from controlling him, by making them afraid to approach. He does this by shouting, intimidating, accusing, threatening and occasionally even resorting to physical violence. He uses other people’s fear and self doubt to control them.

 

S39  The Interrogator – Katherine plays the role of the interrogator.  She would have made a good lawyer. She controls others by playing with their need for her approval. She does this by criticizing, doubting, giving advice and, in general, creating doubt about the others’ ability or correctness in what they are doing.

 

S40  The Aloof – Manfred tends to withdraw into himself and seldom communicates his feelings, thoughts or needs. His wife and children find him to be aloof.  He distances himself from others, avoiding meaningful or honest emotional contact.

 

S41  The Victim – Martha, 75 years old, has identified with the role of the victim since she got married fifty years ago.  She plays on the others’ pity and guilt. When they are angry with her, she protects herself from their rage and aggression by playing the weak abused person, usually crying.

 

S42  Cannot Be Happy When Others Are Not – Tatiana is very sensitive and identifies emotionally with those close to her. She finds it very difficult to be happy when anyone near her is not well, either physically or emotionally. She feels responsible. She also believes that it is not proper to be happy when someone she loves is not well.

 

S43  Do Not Change My Program – Albert is a very organized person. He likes everything to be in its place and to be in control in all situations. In order to feel safe, he needs to be functioning within a program. He needs for this program to be airtight and not change.  If for some reason beyond his control what he has programmed should change, he loses his serenity and can become very negative and even threatening.

 

S44  Perfect, Strong And Conscientious – Janet is a superwoman. She is extremely capable, efficient and conscientious. When she has something to do, she will not rest until it is accomplished. She can not live with “matters pending”. She can rest only when they have been completed.

 

S45  Fear Concerning The Children – Nora has intense fears concerning her children’s welfare. She is afraid of their becoming ill and has nightmares about the possibility of their departing from their bodies. She also fears that they might become involved in drugs, be kidnapped, have an accident or in some way be harmed. She simply cannot handle the possibility of her children being harmed in any way.

 

S46  Parental Pressure – Steven is a student at a well-known university. He is not happy. He has lost interest in his major and does not want to continue. His parents will not even discuss the possibility of his not completing his degree. He is fast approaching a depressive state, as he sees no solution.

 

S47  Loud Neighbors – Beverly lives with her husband and children in an apartment building. The tenants upstairs seem have little awareness of or respect for others. They play their television and stereo quite loud until early hours of the morning and walk in such a way so as to create a loud tapping noises with their ever step.

 

S48  Good, Righteous And Spiritual – Paul is very much identified with the role of the “good, righteous and spiritual person”. That is not to say that he is not a good person, but that he bases his self worth on this fact and wants to appear even more “spiritual” than he is.

 

S49  Weak,   Incapable And Dependent – Hubert feels weak and incapable. He has been programmed in this way by a weak mother and a domineering and demeaning father. He has come to perceive himself as unable to face the difficulties of life.

 

S50  The Rebel The Revolutionary, The Negative, The Antagonist. – Jake is a rebel. He easily feels suppressed and reacts in ways to protect his freedom often from imaginary dangers. He believes that others cant to control him and prevent him from doing what he would like to do.

 

S51 <a href=”/archives/lessons/s_51.asp”>The Parent The Savior, The Teacher, The Responsible – Anthony is a “savior”. He feels responsible for all around him. He believes that he must save them and keep them well and happy. He cannot rest when someone he feels responsible for is not well or happy. He feels that he has failed in his “role”. Others can easily use or control him, by making him feel that he is responsible for their reality.

 

S52  The Guilty, The Sinner, The Bad, The Evil One – Susan has a tendency to feel guilty. She has been programmed to believe that she is unworthy, evil a sinner. This causes her to incessantly seek her self worth through others. She spends tremendous amounts of energy attempting to prove her self worth through her professional endeavors, her service to others.

 

 

 

 

Life Lessons no 2 – Super Woman

Life Stories and Lessons
S2 Situation & Lessons No.2 – SUPER WOMAN

Katerina is very conscientious, a hard worker and reliable in all cases.

At work and at home she can be depended on to get things done. She often stays hours after work in order to get her work done, something which no one else in her office does.

When she gets home, she immediately starts out with the cooking, cleaning, dishes etc. Although the others are home even before she is, no one even thinks of helping out. Katerina will do all this. She is a perfectionist and although sometimes complains that no one helps, she in fact cannot relax when they do something. First of all they may not do it right. Secondly, she depends on the role of the super responsible and super capable person who can do everything to establish her self worth. This is how she has been programmed that she can ensure respect and love from the others. (The truth, however, is that only her boss is happy about it, because his work gets done correctly and quickly. Most of her coworkers and family members are annoyed by the tension which she creates in her super woman role.)

Even when she does allocate some responsibility to someone else, her anxiety for it to get done and be right forces her to do it before the other gets a chance. She is attached to both speed and perfection. She cannot relax when something is not completed or when something is not cleaned and in its place.

Except for putting up with her regular complaining that no one helps and an occasional outburst of anger, the others in the family and even at work have it easy. They have very little work to do, and depend on Katerina to get it done. Her occasional anger is a small price to pay for not having to do much work.

They sometimes feel sorry for her and want to help her, but do not know how. They cannot share her standards for order, cleanliness and speed of execution. These are not as important to them as they are to Katerina. And they have never had the opportunity to feel those needs, because everything has always been taken care by her before they could feel any lack.

Katerina’s husband Petro, is gradually losing his self respect, and depending more and more on Katerina for things to be done. She even has to take the car to get fixed because he leaves it for months. Her super woman role was gradually sapping him of all his self worth and he was becoming ever more lazy and irresponsible. He agrees to do things, but literally takes months to do them.

He eventually found himself spending more and more time with the men at the coffee house, playing cards and killing time. He was now avoiding contact with Katerina, who was a continuous reminder of his inadequacy. She was even making more money than him, and this was a blow to his manhood.

All this could have been predicted by anyone who was aware of the messages they received as children. Petro, the son of two very active and successful parents, was put off by their hyperactivity and simultaneously very doubtful that he could ever succeed in their eyes and by their measure. He was very fearful of failing. This fear of failure caused him to become blocked to learning or doing, and he spent most of his time playing games, something he could succeed at.

He heard from his parents on daily basis that he was lazy, incapable and would do nothing with his life. He now sought to make their words come true.

Katerina understood at a young age that her father wanted a son and not a daughter, and although she was much more intelligent and industrious than her younger brother, he got all the attention. Katerina, then decided to prove her worth to her father in men’s terms. She decided that she must succeed professionally and economically so as to be a “man” in her father’s eyes and have his attention and love. Thus she became super woman.

Gradually the Petro and the children become even more lazy and rebellious. They subconsciously felt the need to do even less. Many times although agreements were made and they wanted to keep those agreements, they subconsciously undermined them, never keeping them. This was a reaction to the pressure and rejection they were feeling from Katerina.

Now everyone was feeling the victim. Katerina was the victim of their laziness and irresponsibility, and they were victims of her bitterness, rejection and anger.

Then one day Katerina got ill. She was exhausted and seriously ill and needed support from her family both in her illness and also in getting things done around the home. She asked for help, but no one could hear her. There was no space in their minds for an ill super woman. They loved her and cared for her, but they could not hear her needs. She had never expressed weakness, fear, inability before, and this was just so foreign, that they felt so uncomfortable, that could not respond.

Now Katerina felt doubly hurt and abused. For so many years, she had taken care of all their needs, and now that she needed them, no one could respond. She felt bitterly hurt at the indifference she was facing.

What could they have all done to avoid this situation? What lessons do they need to learn?

Katerina: Does she need to learn that she is worthy of love and respect even if she is not a super woman? Or that she does not help others, when she does their work for them or does not let them take on their responsibilities? Perhaps she needs to learn to have faith in the others abilities or to allow others to grow through their mistakes? Does she need to learn express her needs, without complaining or accusing, and believe that it is natural that the others will want to support her in fulfilling her needs? Or perhaps to be able to rest when tired even when everything in not perfect around her?

Petro: Is his lesson to believe in himself and his intelligence and abilities? Or could it be that his self worth is not measured by his achievements but rather by his heart and his character? Does he need to learn to activate himself and offer more? Does he need to work on his childhood years and free himself from that false programming?

How about the others: Perhaps they need to learn to be more responsible and energetic in their responsibilities and work? Perhaps also to hear Katerina’s needs behind her complaints and accusations and help her out even when she does not have faith in how they will do it? Or even to hear and respond to her needs even when she cannot express them?

*************************

You can download an ebook with 52 life situations and possible lessons that each might have in those situations at

http://www.armonikizoi.com/store/products/life-coach-2-situations-and-lessons

The situations included in that ebook are the following.

 

 LIFE STORIES AND LESSONS

 

These contain possible lessons to be learned. The stories involve real-life scenarios and offer us a clearer and deeper understanding deeply our own life situations.

 

We are educators and believe in the information we are sharing with you. But we are not doctors and cannot take any responsibility for you health. Ultimately in all cases, even with your doctors, you are responsible for your health and must follow your inner voice concerning how to maintain your health or heal your self. If you have any doubt about any suggestions you find here, consult your doctor or simply do not employ them.

 

 

S01 Self Suppression  – Anna does whatever she is asked to do despite the fact that she doesn’t want to and then feels that she has been done injustice to.

 

S02  Super Woman – Katerina is very conscientious, a hard worker and reliable in all cases. No one knows she has needs and feels hurt.

 

S03  They Have Nothing In Common – They are married and have nothing in common.

 

S04  To Communicate Or Not – Melina solves her problems by talking and using her husband as a sounding board. He is aloof and prefers not to talk.

 

S05  Jealousy – Vasilis is very jealous of Efi and does not want her out of the house at all without him.

 

S06  Different Sexual Needs – She lost her desire for sexual contact very early in her marriage. He feels rejected and suppressed.

 

S07  He Doesn’t Love Me –  She is unhappy because her husband does not love her.

 

S08  Illness – Gina’s long standing illness has become a source of tension for all her family.

 

S09  Fear And Jealousy, Suppression And Reaction – She is not very sure of herself as woman. She doubts whether a man can stay interested in her.

 

S10  Social Life – He does not feel comfortable with people. She needs frequent social contact.

 

S11   Anger – Vicky never expresses her anger, but receives everyone else’s.

 

S12  Anxiety – She has continual anxiety about her children.

 

S13  Our Happiness Is Dependent On How The Other Is – Anastasia cannot feel well when her husband Antonis is one is not well.

 

S14  Shame – She often feels ashamed of her husband’s behavior.

 

S15  Does Not Keep Agreements – He says “YES” to what he is requested, but then does not do it.

 

S16  If They Loved Me, They Would Respond To My Needs. – Aliki is hurt and angry because no one in her family love her enough to respond to her needs.

 

S17  Perfectionism – Marina is a perfectionist and this annoys her husband, Dionisis.

 

S18  Mother In Law – Elias is caught between two women he loves, his wife and his mother.

 

S19  What To Do? – Argyro loves Stellios but she is not “in love” with him. He has proposed marriage. What she should do?

 

S20  Losing Weight And Smoking Cigarettes – He rejects her for being overweight and she retaliates about his smoking.

 

S21  Strength And Fear – Emotion And Logic – A few years ago she had an experience in which she almost fainted in the center of the City.

 

S22  Mirroring Negativity – Nikos had the need to share his problems with his wife when he arrived home from work.

 

S23  His Wife Is Missing From The House Continually – He feels rejected and demeaned by the fact that his wife is out of the house so much.

 

S24  A 30 Year Old Child – Both Froso and her husband experience inner and outer conflict because their thirty year old son has not yet become economically independent.

 

S25  Meaningful Work – He is dissatisfied with his work, and wants to stop. His wife is afraid he might leave it.

 

S26  Fear Of Death – Giorgos, now fifty two, had always been a strong a capable man. Now he fears death.

 

S27  Addiction – He is an alcoholic. Both he and his family suffer.

 

S28  Just Divorced – Margarita was just left by her husband who went off with another woman.

 

S29  Death Of Loved One – Sophia who is only 45, with three children, lost her husband three months ago.

 

 

THE LIFE SITUATIONS FROM NO. 30 AND ON ARE FROM THE BOOK

 The Psychology of Happiness

 

 

S30  Communication Problems – Anna enjoys sharing her feelings with her husband Paul. She also needs to know what he is feeling and thinking. When she is unable to communicate with him, she feels neglected and unloved.

 

S31 Anxiety About Grades – John and Barbara have three children in junior and senior school. Their house witnesses frequent battles concerning how much the children need to study and what grades are acceptable.

 

S32  Fear That He Is Having An Affair – Wendy is sure that her husband Mark is having an affair. She doesn’t have absolute proof but she just knows it in her heart. She is afraid and deeply hurt and disappointed. She feels rejected, demeaned, betrayed, quite insecure, not to mention angry.

 

S33  Alcoholic Father And Husband – Mary’s father was an abusive alcoholic. Her husband Tony is following in his footsteps. As is quite common, Mary has selected a husband who is simply a continuation of her father.

 

S34  Mother-In-Law – Phillip’s mother- in- law Olga has moved in. She tends to intrude into their lives, telling them what they are doing wrong and criticizing their behavior; especially concerning how they bring up their children.

 

S35  The Absent Spouse – Janice’s Husband Ted is seldom home. He prefers the office, the club and the bar. On the weekends he goes hunting with his male friends.

 

S36  Self Evaluation – Today Charles has discovered that his coworker Andy had a more successful professional year than he did. Andy sold more accounts and was commended and promoted by the company.

 

S37  Self Suppression – Susan suppresses herself in order to be accepted and loved. However, those around her don’t do the same. She feels mistreated. She feels hurt and mentally complains and criticizes. She feels that she is being done an injustice to, but he never shares this with others. For her, the others are not correct, because they treat her unjustly.

 

S38  The Intimidator – Elias is an Intimidator. He seeks to control others by making them fear him. He obstructs them from asking anything of him or from controlling him, by making them afraid to approach. He does this by shouting, intimidating, accusing, threatening and occasionally even resorting to physical violence. He uses other people’s fear and self doubt to control them.

 

S39  The Interrogator – Katherine plays the role of the interrogator.  She would have made a good lawyer. She controls others by playing with their need for her approval. She does this by criticizing, doubting, giving advice and, in general, creating doubt about the others’ ability or correctness in what they are doing.

 

S40  The Aloof – Manfred tends to withdraw into himself and seldom communicates his feelings, thoughts or needs. His wife and children find him to be aloof.  He distances himself from others, avoiding meaningful or honest emotional contact.

 

S41  The Victim – Martha, 75 years old, has identified with the role of the victim since she got married fifty years ago.  She plays on the others’ pity and guilt. When they are angry with her, she protects herself from their rage and aggression by playing the weak abused person, usually crying.

 

S42  Cannot Be Happy When Others Are Not – Tatiana is very sensitive and identifies emotionally with those close to her. She finds it very difficult to be happy when anyone near her is not well, either physically or emotionally. She feels responsible. She also believes that it is not proper to be happy when someone she loves is not well.

 

S43  Do Not Change My Program – Albert is a very organized person. He likes everything to be in its place and to be in control in all situations. In order to feel safe, he needs to be functioning within a program. He needs for this program to be airtight and not change.  If for some reason beyond his control what he has programmed should change, he loses his serenity and can become very negative and even threatening.

 

S44  Perfect, Strong And Conscientious – Janet is a superwoman. She is extremely capable, efficient and conscientious. When she has something to do, she will not rest until it is accomplished. She can not live with “matters pending”. She can rest only when they have been completed.

 

S45  Fear Concerning The Children – Nora has intense fears concerning her children’s welfare. She is afraid of their becoming ill and has nightmares about the possibility of their departing from their bodies. She also fears that they might become involved in drugs, be kidnapped, have an accident or in some way be harmed. She simply cannot handle the possibility of her children being harmed in any way.

 

S46  Parental Pressure – Steven is a student at a well-known university. He is not happy. He has lost interest in his major and does not want to continue. His parents will not even discuss the possibility of his not completing his degree. He is fast approaching a depressive state, as he sees no solution.

 

S47  Loud Neighbors – Beverly lives with her husband and children in an apartment building. The tenants upstairs seem have little awareness of or respect for others. They play their television and stereo quite loud until early hours of the morning and walk in such a way so as to create a loud tapping noises with their ever step.

 

S48  Good, Righteous And Spiritual – Paul is very much identified with the role of the “good, righteous and spiritual person”. That is not to say that he is not a good person, but that he bases his self worth on this fact and wants to appear even more “spiritual” than he is.

 

S49  Weak,   Incapable And Dependent – Hubert feels weak and incapable. He has been programmed in this way by a weak mother and a domineering and demeaning father. He has come to perceive himself as unable to face the difficulties of life.

 

S50  The Rebel The Revolutionary, The Negative, The Antagonist. – Jake is a rebel. He easily feels suppressed and reacts in ways to protect his freedom often from imaginary dangers. He believes that others cant to control him and prevent him from doing what he would like to do.

 

S51 <a href=”/archives/lessons/s_51.asp”>The Parent The Savior, The Teacher, The Responsible – Anthony is a “savior”. He feels responsible for all around him. He believes that he must save them and keep them well and happy. He cannot rest when someone he feels responsible for is not well or happy. He feels that he has failed in his “role”. Others can easily use or control him, by making him feel that he is responsible for their reality.

 

S52  The Guilty, The Sinner, The Bad, The Evil One – Susan has a tendency to feel guilty. She has been programmed to believe that she is unworthy, evil a sinner. This causes her to incessantly seek her self worth through others. She spends tremendous amounts of energy attempting to prove her self worth through her professional endeavors, her service to others.

Life Lessons no 1- Self Suppression

Life Stories and Lessons 
S1 Situation & Lessons No. 1 – SELF SUPPRESSION

Anna does whatever she is asked to do despite the fact that she doesn’t want to.

Feeling mistreated, she grumbles, complains and bursts out in anger every so often, because of the resentment which accumulates within her. Although she feels suppressed, she finds it impossible to say “No”. She is afraid that they will not love her any more, that they will reject her if she refuses what they request of her.

She believes that their “love” for her is based solely in the prerequisite that she comply with their every wish.

Her family members have gotten used to Anna in this role, and now take it for granted that she will do to anything they ask of her. Even though she complains, plays the role of the victim, and frequently declares she will do no more, they do not hear this, because her actions never follow her words. She has threatened often to stop doing whatever they ask, but has never once stopped. She does not know how to. She is afraid that she will loose their love. Also she receives her feelings of self worth from being the victim the martyr, the good person who is done injustice to, who has no time for personal needs.

Her husband and children could easily love her even if she didn’t do all these things, but they have simply gotten used to this situations and have found the easy solution to let Anna do everything, especially in the home. The truth is that in spite of all her complaining and threats, she has never asked them to all sit down to discuss the matter in a clear and effective manner.

And thus each stayed in his and her role until one day…



Then one day she thinks. “what kind of love is this which depends on whether I suppress myself, have no needs and do whatever they ask me. This is not love but bartering. I barter my freedom and needs and self respect for their acceptance and “love”. I will start expressing my needs and will say “Yes” only when I really feel it. Whoever really loves me will continue to do so.

But Anna at first was not comfortable at saying “no” and found her self saying it rather roughly and aggressively. Also she had suppressed herself for so many years, that she now wanted to do very few things that were asked of her. She felt each request an infringement on her freedom.

She had now come to the other extreme of behavior. She was uncooperative and aggressive.

Gradually Anna will realize that real freedom is giving out of love and not out fear. When we give out of fear of rejection, then we are not really giving but bartering whatever we are giving for the others’ acceptance.

Real giving is giving when we know we are free not to give, but chose to give out of love for the others.

She will then say “Yes”, about the same number of times she did in the past, but now she will be saying “yes” out of freedom and not out of fear, and she will feel no pressure and will be happy.

How can she manage that? What could her lesson be? Does she need to realize that she is lovable just as she is, even when she cannot respond to what others ask of her? Or does she need to learn to give as she is now, but out of love and not out of fear of rejection? Does she need to learn to let others be responsible for their reality? Or perhaps she needs to realize that she is worthy and lovable and good even when she in not a victim and even when she attends to her own needs?

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You can download an ebook with 52 life situations and possible lessons that each might have in those situations at

 

http://www.armonikizoi.com/store/products/life-coach-2-situations-and-lessons

The situations included in that ebook are the following.

 

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 LIFE STORIES AND LESSONS

 

These contain possible lessons to be learned. The stories involve real-life scenarios and offer us a clearer and deeper understanding deeply our own life situations.

 

We are educators and believe in the information we are sharing with you. But we are not doctors and cannot take any responsibility for you health. Ultimately in all cases, even with your doctors, you are responsible for your health and must follow your inner voice concerning how to maintain your health or heal your self. If you have any doubt about any suggestions you find here, consult your doctor or simply do not employ them.

 

 

S01 Self Suppression  – Anna does whatever she is asked to do despite the fact that she doesn’t want to and then feels that she has been done injustice to.

 

S02  Super Woman – Katerina is very conscientious, a hard worker and reliable in all cases. No one knows she has needs and feels hurt.

 

S03  They Have Nothing In Common – They are married and have nothing in common.

 

S04  To Communicate Or Not – Melina solves her problems by talking and using her husband as a sounding board. He is aloof and prefers not to talk.

 

S05  Jealousy – Vasilis is very jealous of Efi and does not want her out of the house at all without him.

 

S06  Different Sexual Needs – She lost her desire for sexual contact very early in her marriage. He feels rejected and suppressed.

 

S07  He Doesn’t Love Me –  She is unhappy because her husband does not love her.

 

S08  Illness – Gina’s long standing illness has become a source of tension for all her family.

 

S09  Fear And Jealousy, Suppression And Reaction – She is not very sure of herself as woman. She doubts whether a man can stay interested in her.

 

S10  Social Life – He does not feel comfortable with people. She needs frequent social contact.

 

S11   Anger – Vicky never expresses her anger, but receives everyone else’s.

 

S12  Anxiety – She has continual anxiety about her children.

 

S13  Our Happiness Is Dependent On How The Other Is – Anastasia cannot feel well when her husband Antonis is one is not well.

 

S14  Shame – She often feels ashamed of her husband’s behavior.

 

S15  Does Not Keep Agreements – He says “YES” to what he is requested, but then does not do it.

 

S16  If They Loved Me, They Would Respond To My Needs. – Aliki is hurt and angry because no one in her family love her enough to respond to her needs.

 

S17  Perfectionism – Marina is a perfectionist and this annoys her husband, Dionisis.

 

S18  Mother In Law – Elias is caught between two women he loves, his wife and his mother.

 

S19  What To Do? – Argyro loves Stellios but she is not “in love” with him. He has proposed marriage. What she should do?

 

S20  Losing Weight And Smoking Cigarettes – He rejects her for being overweight and she retaliates about his smoking.

 

S21  Strength And Fear – Emotion And Logic – A few years ago she had an experience in which she almost fainted in the center of the City.

 

S22  Mirroring Negativity – Nikos had the need to share his problems with his wife when he arrived home from work.

 

S23  His Wife Is Missing From The House Continually – He feels rejected and demeaned by the fact that his wife is out of the house so much.

 

S24  A 30 Year Old Child – Both Froso and her husband experience inner and outer conflict because their thirty year old son has not yet become economically independent.

 

S25  Meaningful Work – He is dissatisfied with his work, and wants to stop. His wife is afraid he might leave it.

 

S26  Fear Of Death – Giorgos, now fifty two, had always been a strong a capable man. Now he fears death.

 

S27  Addiction – He is an alcoholic. Both he and his family suffer.

 

S28  Just Divorced – Margarita was just left by her husband who went off with another woman.

 

S29  Death Of Loved One – Sophia who is only 45, with three children, lost her husband three months ago.

 

 

THE LIFE SITUATIONS FROM NO. 30 AND ON ARE FROM THE BOOK

 The Psychology of Happiness

 

 

S30  Communication Problems – Anna enjoys sharing her feelings with her husband Paul. She also needs to know what he is feeling and thinking. When she is unable to communicate with him, she feels neglected and unloved.

 

S31 Anxiety About Grades – John and Barbara have three children in junior and senior school. Their house witnesses frequent battles concerning how much the children need to study and what grades are acceptable.

 

S32  Fear That He Is Having An Affair – Wendy is sure that her husband Mark is having an affair. She doesn’t have absolute proof but she just knows it in her heart. She is afraid and deeply hurt and disappointed. She feels rejected, demeaned, betrayed, quite insecure, not to mention angry.

 

S33  Alcoholic Father And Husband – Mary’s father was an abusive alcoholic. Her husband Tony is following in his footsteps. As is quite common, Mary has selected a husband who is simply a continuation of her father.

 

S34  Mother-In-Law – Phillip’s mother- in- law Olga has moved in. She tends to intrude into their lives, telling them what they are doing wrong and criticizing their behavior; especially concerning how they bring up their children.

 

S35  The Absent Spouse – Janice’s Husband Ted is seldom home. He prefers the office, the club and the bar. On the weekends he goes hunting with his male friends.

 

S36  Self Evaluation – Today Charles has discovered that his coworker Andy had a more successful professional year than he did. Andy sold more accounts and was commended and promoted by the company.

 

S37  Self Suppression – Susan suppresses herself in order to be accepted and loved. However, those around her don’t do the same. She feels mistreated. She feels hurt and mentally complains and criticizes. She feels that she is being done an injustice to, but he never shares this with others. For her, the others are not correct, because they treat her unjustly.

 

S38  The Intimidator – Elias is an Intimidator. He seeks to control others by making them fear him. He obstructs them from asking anything of him or from controlling him, by making them afraid to approach. He does this by shouting, intimidating, accusing, threatening and occasionally even resorting to physical violence. He uses other people’s fear and self doubt to control them.

 

S39  The Interrogator – Katherine plays the role of the interrogator.  She would have made a good lawyer. She controls others by playing with their need for her approval. She does this by criticizing, doubting, giving advice and, in general, creating doubt about the others’ ability or correctness in what they are doing.

 

S40  The Aloof – Manfred tends to withdraw into himself and seldom communicates his feelings, thoughts or needs. His wife and children find him to be aloof.  He distances himself from others, avoiding meaningful or honest emotional contact.

 

S41  The Victim – Martha, 75 years old, has identified with the role of the victim since she got married fifty years ago.  She plays on the others’ pity and guilt. When they are angry with her, she protects herself from their rage and aggression by playing the weak abused person, usually crying.

 

S42  Cannot Be Happy When Others Are Not – Tatiana is very sensitive and identifies emotionally with those close to her. She finds it very difficult to be happy when anyone near her is not well, either physically or emotionally. She feels responsible. She also believes that it is not proper to be happy when someone she loves is not well.

 

S43  Do Not Change My Program – Albert is a very organized person. He likes everything to be in its place and to be in control in all situations. In order to feel safe, he needs to be functioning within a program. He needs for this program to be airtight and not change.  If for some reason beyond his control what he has programmed should change, he loses his serenity and can become very negative and even threatening.

 

S44  Perfect, Strong And Conscientious – Janet is a superwoman. She is extremely capable, efficient and conscientious. When she has something to do, she will not rest until it is accomplished. She can not live with “matters pending”. She can rest only when they have been completed.

 

S45  Fear Concerning The Children – Nora has intense fears concerning her children’s welfare. She is afraid of their becoming ill and has nightmares about the possibility of their departing from their bodies. She also fears that they might become involved in drugs, be kidnapped, have an accident or in some way be harmed. She simply cannot handle the possibility of her children being harmed in any way.

 

S46  Parental Pressure – Steven is a student at a well-known university. He is not happy. He has lost interest in his major and does not want to continue. His parents will not even discuss the possibility of his not completing his degree. He is fast approaching a depressive state, as he sees no solution.

 

S47  Loud Neighbors – Beverly lives with her husband and children in an apartment building. The tenants upstairs seem have little awareness of or respect for others. They play their television and stereo quite loud until early hours of the morning and walk in such a way so as to create a loud tapping noises with their ever step.

 

S48  Good, Righteous And Spiritual – Paul is very much identified with the role of the “good, righteous and spiritual person”. That is not to say that he is not a good person, but that he bases his self worth on this fact and wants to appear even more “spiritual” than he is.

 

S49  Weak,   Incapable And Dependent – Hubert feels weak and incapable. He has been programmed in this way by a weak mother and a domineering and demeaning father. He has come to perceive himself as unable to face the difficulties of life.

 

S50  The Rebel The Revolutionary, The Negative, The Antagonist. – Jake is a rebel. He easily feels suppressed and reacts in ways to protect his freedom often from imaginary dangers. He believes that others cant to control him and prevent him from doing what he would like to do.

 

S51 <a href=”/archives/lessons/s_51.asp”>The Parent The Savior, The Teacher, The Responsible – Anthony is a “savior”. He feels responsible for all around him. He believes that he must save them and keep them well and happy. He cannot rest when someone he feels responsible for is not well or happy. He feels that he has failed in his “role”. Others can easily use or control him, by making him feel that he is responsible for their reality.

 

S52  The Guilty, The Sinner, The Bad, The Evil One – Susan has a tendency to feel guilty. She has been programmed to believe that she is unworthy, evil a sinner. This causes her to incessantly seek her self worth through others. She spends tremendous amounts of energy attempting to prove her self worth through her professional endeavors, her service to others.