EΛEYΘEPIA

May 19, 2013

freedom-Zenos-Frudakis

EΛEYΘEPIA

Eλευθερώνομαι από τους εθισμούς μου σημαίνει ότι απελευθερώνομαι από το μηχανικό, από τον αυτόματο τρόπο σκέψης και δράσης.

Για τους περισσότερους από εμας, η ελευθερία μας περιορίζεται περισσότερο από τους εσωτερικούς μας φόβους, εθισμούς και προγραμματισμούς, παρά από εξωτερικά εμπόδια.

Όλοι ανησυχούν για την απειλή της ελευθερίας τους από εξωτερικές επιρροές, όπως είναι οι γονείς, οι σύζυγοι, οι εργοδότες και οι κυβερνήσεις.

Aλλά λίγοι έχουν καταλάβει ότι η πραγματική ελευθερία είναι εσωτερική.

Ότι η μεγαλύτερή μας σκλαβιά είναι ο νους μας, ο οποίος είναι μηχανικά προγραμματισμένος.

Eλευθερία σημαίνει να είσαι ευτυχισμένος, ακόμα κι όταν δεν μπορείς να έχεις αυτό στο οποιο εισαι προσκολλημένος.

Nα αισθάνεσαι ασφάλεια, ακόμα και όταν έχουν χαθεί οι πηγές κάθε ασφάλειας: τα χρήματα, η δουλειά, ο σύντροφός σου.

Eλευθερία είναι να νιώθεις ελεύθερος να μην θυμώνεις όταν δεν θέλεις να θυμώσεις και να έχεις την ικανότητα να μην ανησυχείς, όταν λογικά καταλαβαίνεις ότι χάνεις το χρόνο σου και δεν λύνεται κανένα πρόβλημα.

Eλευθερία σημαίνει ακόμα να αναπτυσσόμαστε πέρα από τα όρια που μας βάζουν οι φόβοι, τα άγχη και η αρνητική εικόνα που έχουμε για τον εαυτό μας.

Nα ελευθερωνόμαστε από τους προσωπικούς μας προγραμματισμούς, ώστε να μπορούμε να κατανοήσουμε και άλλες απόψεις και να μαθαίνουμε καινούρια πράγματα.

Σημαίνει να αγαπάμε ακόμα κι όταν οι άλλοι στέκονται εμπόδιο σε ό,τι θέλουμε να αποκτήσουμε ή έχουν αρνητική στάση απέναντί μας.

Eλευθερία σημαίνει να μπορούμε να ζούμε πάντα στο παρόν – στην παρούσα στιγμή – χωρίς περιορισμούς από σκέψεις για το παρελθόν και το μέλλον.

Kαι τέλος, πραγματική ελευθερία σημαίνει απελευθέρωση από την ταύτιση με το σώμα και την προσωπικότητα και ικανότητα συνειδητοποίησης της παγκόσμιας πνευματικής μας φύσης.

Από το Βιβλίο Η ΤΕΧΝΗ ΤΟΥ ΔΙΑΛΟΓΙΣΜΟΥ του Ρ.Η. Νατζεμυ

ΕΛΕΥΘΕΡΙΑ

Για ακόμα περισσότερα για το θέμα της Ελευθέριας, διαβάστε το βιβλίο Η ΕΛΕΥΘΕΡΙΑ ΝΑ ΕΙΣΑΙ Ο ΕΑΥΤΟΣ ΣΟΥ.

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Ή ΤΗΝ ΣΕΙΡΑ DVD ΠΑΝΩ ΣΤΟ ΘΕΜΑ

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Codependence or co-commitment?

April 3, 2013

mike-twohy-love-comes-and-goes-janet-but-this-is-true-co-dependency-new-yorker-cartoon

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Codependence or co-commitment?

From the book LOVE IS THE CHOICE By Robert Elias Najemy


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For some time now two new words have become very popular in studying the Psychology of Relationships. They are codependence and co-commitment and each describes a totally different types of relationships.

Codependence

Codependence describes a situation in which two people are dependent or addicted to each other. We lose the ability to be happy within ourselves and become dependent on each other for our feelings of meaningfulness, safety and self worth. We are limited by the relationship rather than helped to grow within it.

Codependence breeds antagonism and games in which one tries to control the other, often through various roles, by intimidating, questioning, criticizing, playing the victim or retreating into oneself and becoming aloof.

Such relationships often result in vicious circles in which no one changes and no one is happy. We might even undermine our own happiness and power because we are afraid to be happy or strong when the other is not. Promises or perhaps even threats that serious changes are going to take place seldom become reality.

We feel responsible for the other¢s reality and cannot let him or her feel unhappy. We try to change the other¢s mood, and until the other changes, we cannot feel happy ourselves. Our state of mind is dependent upon the other¢s condition, behavior and attitude.

In codependence, our fears prevent us from telling the whole truth to the other and sometimes even to ourselves.

Criticism becomes a major form of communication and arguments continuously recycle. Most arguments revolve around the ancient game of “who is right.”

When we are dependent on someone, we will often deny our own needs and even our values in order to ensure the other¢s acceptance and / or approval. We might find ourselves not only ignoring our needs, but also doing things we do not really want to do.

C0-commitment

In co-commitment, we feel close to each and want to share our lives without feeling dependent or that we cannot be happy alone or with someone else. We want the other to be happy and we do whatever we can in order to help him or her be happy, but do not believe we are responsible if he or she is not. We can continue being happy even when the other is not.

We see the relationship as a growth process and know that essential to that growth is being able to be truthful with ourselves and each other. We learn to be truthful about needs, thoughts and feelings.

We love each other and want the other to blossom and succeed in whatever he or she chooses to pursue. There is no antagonism, but rather mutual support and encouragement. We feel joy rather than jealousy when the other succeeds.

In co-commitment, we take 100% responsibility for our reality and allow the other to do the same. We do not expect the other to solve our problems or make us happy. That is our responsibility. Also we realize that we cannot make the other happy. We help and support each other, but cannot create the other¢s reality.

Moving from codependency to co-commitment

In co-commitment, we learn to confront our fears of becoming intimate. This is not always easy at first as we may have fears about getting very close to someone. Some of those fears might be:

a. I am not worthy, and if the other knows me well, he or she will not want to be with me.

b. I might be hurt, rejected or betrayed.

c. The other might abandon me and I will not be able to cope.

d. I will lose my freedom.

e. I will not be able to be myself.

A part of the co-commitment relationship is to be able to be intimate while simultaneously independent. Few have managed to find this balance. Some have mastered the ability to be close, but find it difficult to be happy alone. Others may find it easier to be alone, but are not able to be intimate.

Some of the behaviors that possibly exhibit a fear of being very close with someone might be:

a. We withdraw into ourselves and avoid deep or meaningful contact with the other.

b. We mentally manufacture faults in the other so that we are justified in not getting closer.

c. We become emotionally numb and lose contact with our feelings.

d. We start arguments in order to create a distance from the other.

e. We subconsciously create an illness that prevents us from getting closer.

f. We tend to live in the past and avoid the present, and thus contact with the other.

g. We become absorbed in our work, hobby or any activity in order to avoid the other.

The above reactions are unconscious self-protective mechanisms, which unfortunately seldom protect us and always imprison us in lives without love or growth. Such reactions will be even more prevalent when the others are playing roles such as intimidator or interrogator and in some cases even victim and aloof.

But just as we have the fear getting close to the other, we also fear being too far away. There is a Greek saying, “We cannot be happy together and cannot be happy apart.”  When then can we be happy? This is the nature of codependence – fear of being close and fear of being apart.

Another anecdote illustrates the twin fears of being close and being apart. A son asks his father for advice. “Father I do not know what to do, get married or not.” The father shakes his head, “What can I tell you my son, whatever you choose, you will regret it.”

Personal space and time

Our movement toward co-commitment means overcoming the fear of being apart. This does not mean separating, but rather being able to feel comfortable when the other may need his or her “space” or personal time in which he or she can do things without us. One of us might want to walk alone, listen to music, pray or meditate, attend a lecture or seminar or go out with old friends or classmates.

There are times when we might not want to do anything special, but would simply like to be alone. We need this occasionally in order to relax more deeply and renew our energy body. When we are with others, we frequently feel the need to be in a state of alertness. Perhaps we feel the need to communicate with them or serve them in some way. Many of us cannot be ourselves in front of others. Thus, most of us need some time alone when we can simply be ourselves.

Unfortunately, many relationship partners do not feel comfortable taking this time for themselves or giving it to the other. Some reasons for this are:

a. We feel abandoned by the other or fear the other will feel abandoned by us.

b. We are afraid the other cannot take care of himself, or we have not learned to care for ourselves.

c. We think, “If the other really loved me, he or she would always want to be with me. He or she would always prefer me to his or her friends. Couples must be always together.”

d. In some countries, such as the Mediterranean and Arab countries, it is inconceivable to some men that their wives could possibly leave the house and have interests other than the family. Thus, these men feel hurt and even demeaned by the fact that their wives might enjoy a series of lectures or a small excursion only with the ladies. They might fear losing control, something that is important to their sense of security and male self-image. As always, there are exceptions.

e. Some of us are unable to entertain ourselves while alone. We have no interests with which to occupy ourselves. All our energy is locked into others, and when they are not there, we do not know what to do, how to pass the time. We have not learned to be by ourselves or how to occupy ourselves. This is why many people, when they are alone for some period of time, immediately get on the telephone or turn on the TV.

Moving from codependence to co-commitment means facing these fears and being able to be happy and fulfilled even without our loved one, at least for short periods of time.

Sensitive issues

Another problem of codependence is that we tend to function unconsciously or automatically, relative to certain issues, often getting sucked into the roles of the intimidator, interrogator, victim and aloof. Some of those issues that trigger those roles are:

a. Whether we can trust the other or not.  We think, “She might abandon me.” ” He might cheat on me.” “She might hurt me.” “He might try to suppress me.” As a result we get locked into control games, functioning unconsciously without love or real communication.

b. The question of authority, power and control. Who will decide what will happen? Who will get his or her way? Whose will is going to prevail? We unconsciously engage in games for power and control so we can satisfy our needs.

c. Our feelings of self-worth are very fragile and easily shaken by rejection or other¢s behaviors. We then become defensive in our attempt to protect our self-image.

d. We have feelings that have been repressed in us for many years. Some may be from this relationship and others from those much earlier in our lives. These feelings are unpleasant and we often seek to conceal them. All of these unconscious reactions dampen our vitality and obstruct honest communication.

e. Sexual issues are often difficult to deal with because we have an inherent feeling of shame about our sexual needs, and also because much of our self-image as men or women is tied up in being sexually desired by our partner.

These issues are seldom discussed in a mature and honest manner so they can be solved. We often try to get what we want by accusing, threatening, criticizing, avoiding, playing the victim, etc.

We need to be able to discuss these needs and issues openly and maturely so that each can get what he or she needs from this conscious love relationship. We need to communicate about our fears of being hurt, the games we see we are playing for control, our doubts about our self-worth, our deeper suppressed feelings and our sexual needs or lack thereof.

Thus, we have a choice to make. We can allow these and other issues to silently destroy our happiness, our relationship and often our health, or we can begin to face them directly in the following way:

a. Discover what we really feel, need and think.

b. Examine, analyze and seek to understand exactly why we feel, need and think what we have discovered.

c. Take responsibility for our needs, feelings and our life situation. The other is not responsible for what we are feeling or creating in our lives.

d. Share what we have discovered with our loved one without criticism or blame.

d. Work internally on getting free from anything we feel is obstructing our happiness or love.

e. Work with the other on finding solutions that satisfy both of us.

Recreating our childhood

Another aspect of moving from codependence to co-commitment is to free ourselves from our childhood programming. Many of us tend to “recreate or attract” one or both of our parents in our spouse or even in our children. We unconsciously choose persons who are very similar or opposite to our parents. We also tend to embody our parents’ qualities in our selves. In this way, we work through various dramas that were initiated in our childhood years.

If we function unconsciously relative to these issues from our past, they will simply fester and poison our happiness and relationship. So many times, while counseling persons having difficulty with their loved ones, we have come to the very clear conclusion that they are simply recreating what happened with one or both of the parents, and that, if they do not work on transforming what happened in the past, the possibilities for harmony in their present relationship are slim.

Maria and John

Maria and John love and respect each other, but they are plagued with frequent arguments and clashes in which each departs feeling hurt and abused. John feels Maria does not accept him, always tells him what to do, or questions what he has done. He perceives her as his interrogator.

When John feels that Maria doubts his ability or his judgment, he interprets that she is doubting his self-worth, something his mother did continuously by telling him he would never accomplish anything in his life. He then protects himself by shouting angrily so as to intimidate her.

Maria fears his behavior, as this is exactly what her father did when she was a child. She backs off and closes into herself for days, feeling misunderstood, hurt and abused. She now feels that she is the victim.

John also closes up, feeling hurt and unappreciated for all that he does for the family. He cannot accept having his every action and decision doubted. Feeling victimized, he becomes aloof and avoids communication at least for a few days.

Maria then feels left out and rejected because John is not communicating. She feels that he does not love her and begins to seek his attention sometimes in negative ways.

This goes on and on because Maria has not yet worked out her fear of her father and John has not confronted the rejection of his mother. Their freedom lies in working with their inner child.

This process is discussed in the book the Psychology of Happiness and on our web site www.HolisticHarmony.com.

Olga and George

Olga and George also love and respect each other very much. Olga, however, is very much annoyed by George¢s smoking. The smoke bothers her physically, but she is emotionally hurt because he continues even though she has explained how much it bothers her. She is hurt more by George¢s ignoring her request than by the smoke itself. She thinks, “If he loved me, he would comply with my request.”

This is a reenactment of her childhood years when she learned that her needs as a child and as a woman were “not important” and that others would not pay attention to them. She became programmed to believe that, as a woman, she was simply there to serve and sacrifice.

George loves and admires his wife. He, however, feels that as the man of the house, he cannot be running out to the balcony every time he wants to smoke. This is his home which he has created through his hard work. He doesn¢t want to bother his wife with his smoke, but he cannot accept being limited in this way. He feels that his self-image as a man is being intimidated by her request.

This too is reflection of his childhood when his parents limited his freedom of expression.  He now wants to be free to do as he pleases. Olga also wants to be able to express her needs and have them respected.

Each will have to work on transforming those childhood experiences. In addition, they would do well to employ techniques for solving problems where their needs conflict. The chapter on conflict resolution guides on how to resolve conflict in needs between couples.

The following checklist helps to summarize the difference between codependence and co-commitment.

SYMPTOMS OF CODEPENDENCY

1. We need the others approval. We fear his or her rejection.

2. We cannot feel well if the other does not feel well.

3. We need to solve the other¢s problems for him.

4. We cannot be happy unless the other is satisfied with us.

5. We need to protect the other or be protected by him or her.

6. We need the other in order to feel secure, worthy or happy.

7. We are afraid to tell the truth because the other might become hurt or angry.

8. We lose contact with our needs and live through the other¢s needs.

9. We cannot imagine living without the other.

10. We compete for power and self-worth.

11. We avoid participating in the other¢s interests.

SYMPTOMS OF CO-COMMITMENT

1. We accept ourselves and the other.

2. We want the other to be well, but can be well when he cannot or chooses not to be.

3. We help the other in any way we can, but do not take responsibility for solving his or her problems.

4. We want the other to be satisfied, but can be happy even when he or she is not.

5. We have faith in our mutual ability to protect ourselves.

6. We feel safe, secure and happy from within.

7. We communicate truthfully in all cases.

8. We try to find a fair balance between our needs and the other¢s.

9. We want to be together and enjoy each other, but can accept sometimes being apart.

10. We empower each other.

11. We participate in each other¢s interests.

 

Life Lessons no 4 – To Communicate or Not?

March 7, 2012

Life Stories and Lessons 
S4 SITUATIONS & LESSONS No. 4 – TO COMMUNICATE OR NOT
 

Melina solves her problems by talking and using her husband as a sounding board.

She is also an interrogator. She has learned to get what she wants in a very subtle ways by using her logic and debating abilities to get her husband to see things the way she does, or do things in the way she would like.

This is essential for her, because she has many fears and is dependent on Kostas for her sense of security. Her father died when she was only two and she has now found both a husband and a father in Kostas. But she also needed things to go according to her beliefs in order to feel secure. Thus she has two basic prerequisites in order to feel secure. The one is for her to be able to control things so that they unfold as she believes they must in order to be safe. Secondly she must have Kostas by her side and convince him that her way is right.

Thus Melina became the perfect “lawyer” who would think out before hand each strategy concerning what she was going to say to Kostas to convince him.

Kostas had an overbearing mother who suppressed him and did not allow him any freedom of expression. He was suffocated under her strong personality. He moved into two roles to protect himself. First he would try the role of the “Aloof” ignoring her when she came asking something. When that did not work, he would resort to the “intimidator”, raising his voice and creating fear so that she would retreat and leave him alone. Otherwise he felt he was being controlled through all this talking.

Melina would then move into the role of the victim, feeling hurt that Kostas had raised his voice and spoken aggressively.

Each, controlled by needs carrying over from the childhood years, was now dead locked into a reoccurring game. Melina played the interrogator and then the victim in order to get what she wanted from Kostas so she could feel safe. Kostas played the Aloof and then the Intimidator in order to establish his freedom from control and pressure to do something he didn”t want to.

Another factor which aggravated the problem, was that both were also playing the “who is right” game. Each needed to be right and have the other accept that he or she was right.This caused them get locked for hours into endless rebuttals and counter rebuttals as each tried to prove his point. This usually ended up with Kostas shouting and leaving to play the Aloof and Melina’s going off to cry in the role of the victim.

What might they have to learn?

Melina: Does she need to learn to feel safe even when she cannot control people and events? Or to feel safe without Kostas? Or that she can feel her self worth without proving to the other that he is right? Does she need to find a better timing for when to approach Kostas? Perhaps she needs to work on her fear of abandonment created by her loss of her father as a child? Does she need to see how her need to control is pushing Kostas into the roles of intimidator and Aloof? Perhaps she needs to feel secure within herself? Or perhaps to try to discover what it is she might be doing which causes the other to not want to communicate ( not feel safe in communicating)? Or to learn to feel unity with the other even without verbal communication? Perhaps she needs to talk less or only about essential subjects? Or to have more self-confidence and not need so much the other’s approval?Or to be able to let some things pass and develop on their own without feeling the need to plan and control absolutely everything? Or to accept and love herself even when the he cannot respond? Perhaps to be able to express her needs and feelings clearly, lovingly and assertively? Or to become more interested in the others needs and not only in her need to talk? Or even to find new ways to create feelings of unity between them? Perhaps she needs to learn to leave him alone for a period of time and let him open up at his own rate?

Kostas: Does he need to learn to listen to Melina without fearing being controlled? Does he need to understand her needs and fears? Perhaps he needs to work with his own fears of being controlled especially by a woman? Perhaps if he gave more attention to Melina voluntarily, she would not need to approach him in the role of the interrogator for his attention? Does he too need to get free from the need to have the her accept that he is right?

How can they come together? Only through deep analysis of themselves can each find his lesson. Only when each finds his lesson and learns it can he get free. Chapters 2,3, 9,13,18 and 19 will be especially helpful.

 



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You can download an ebook with 52 life situations and possible lessons that each might have in those situations at

 

http://www.armonikizoi.com/store/products/life-coach-2-situations-and-lessons

The situations included in that ebook are the following.

 

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 LIFE STORIES AND LESSONS

 

These contain possible lessons to be learned. The stories involve real-life scenarios and offer us a clearer and deeper understanding deeply our own life situations.

 

We are educators and believe in the information we are sharing with you. But we are not doctors and cannot take any responsibility for you health. Ultimately in all cases, even with your doctors, you are responsible for your health and must follow your inner voice concerning how to maintain your health or heal your self. If you have any doubt about any suggestions you find here, consult your doctor or simply do not employ them.

 

 

S01 Self Suppression  – Anna does whatever she is asked to do despite the fact that she doesn’t want to and then feels that she has been done injustice to.

 

S02  Super Woman – Katerina is very conscientious, a hard worker and reliable in all cases. No one knows she has needs and feels hurt.

 

S03  They Have Nothing In Common – They are married and have nothing in common.

 

S04  To Communicate Or Not – Melina solves her problems by talking and using her husband as a sounding board. He is aloof and prefers not to talk.

 

S05  Jealousy – Vasilis is very jealous of Efi and does not want her out of the house at all without him.

 

S06  Different Sexual Needs – She lost her desire for sexual contact very early in her marriage. He feels rejected and suppressed.

 

S07  He Doesn’t Love Me –  She is unhappy because her husband does not love her.

 

S08  Illness – Gina’s long standing illness has become a source of tension for all her family.

 

S09  Fear And Jealousy, Suppression And Reaction – She is not very sure of herself as woman. She doubts whether a man can stay interested in her.

 

S10  Social Life – He does not feel comfortable with people. She needs frequent social contact.

 

S11   Anger – Vicky never expresses her anger, but receives everyone else’s.

 

S12  Anxiety – She has continual anxiety about her children.

 

S13  Our Happiness Is Dependent On How The Other Is – Anastasia cannot feel well when her husband Antonis is one is not well.

 

S14  Shame – She often feels ashamed of her husband’s behavior.

 

S15  Does Not Keep Agreements – He says “YES” to what he is requested, but then does not do it.

 

S16  If They Loved Me, They Would Respond To My Needs. – Aliki is hurt and angry because no one in her family love her enough to respond to her needs.

 

S17  Perfectionism – Marina is a perfectionist and this annoys her husband, Dionisis.

 

S18  Mother In Law – Elias is caught between two women he loves, his wife and his mother.

 

S19  What To Do? – Argyro loves Stellios but she is not “in love” with him. He has proposed marriage. What she should do?

 

S20  Losing Weight And Smoking Cigarettes – He rejects her for being overweight and she retaliates about his smoking.

 

S21  Strength And Fear – Emotion And Logic – A few years ago she had an experience in which she almost fainted in the center of the City.

 

S22  Mirroring Negativity – Nikos had the need to share his problems with his wife when he arrived home from work.

 

S23  His Wife Is Missing From The House Continually – He feels rejected and demeaned by the fact that his wife is out of the house so much.

 

S24  A 30 Year Old Child – Both Froso and her husband experience inner and outer conflict because their thirty year old son has not yet become economically independent.

 

S25  Meaningful Work – He is dissatisfied with his work, and wants to stop. His wife is afraid he might leave it.

 

S26  Fear Of Death – Giorgos, now fifty two, had always been a strong a capable man. Now he fears death.

 

S27  Addiction – He is an alcoholic. Both he and his family suffer.

 

S28  Just Divorced – Margarita was just left by her husband who went off with another woman.

 

S29  Death Of Loved One – Sophia who is only 45, with three children, lost her husband three months ago.

 

 

THE LIFE SITUATIONS FROM NO. 30 AND ON ARE FROM THE BOOK

 The Psychology of Happiness

 

 

S30  Communication Problems – Anna enjoys sharing her feelings with her husband Paul. She also needs to know what he is feeling and thinking. When she is unable to communicate with him, she feels neglected and unloved.

 

S31 Anxiety About Grades – John and Barbara have three children in junior and senior school. Their house witnesses frequent battles concerning how much the children need to study and what grades are acceptable.

 

S32  Fear That He Is Having An Affair – Wendy is sure that her husband Mark is having an affair. She doesn’t have absolute proof but she just knows it in her heart. She is afraid and deeply hurt and disappointed. She feels rejected, demeaned, betrayed, quite insecure, not to mention angry.

 

S33  Alcoholic Father And Husband – Mary’s father was an abusive alcoholic. Her husband Tony is following in his footsteps. As is quite common, Mary has selected a husband who is simply a continuation of her father.

 

S34  Mother-In-Law – Phillip’s mother- in- law Olga has moved in. She tends to intrude into their lives, telling them what they are doing wrong and criticizing their behavior; especially concerning how they bring up their children.

 

S35  The Absent Spouse – Janice’s Husband Ted is seldom home. He prefers the office, the club and the bar. On the weekends he goes hunting with his male friends.

 

S36  Self Evaluation – Today Charles has discovered that his coworker Andy had a more successful professional year than he did. Andy sold more accounts and was commended and promoted by the company.

 

S37  Self Suppression – Susan suppresses herself in order to be accepted and loved. However, those around her don’t do the same. She feels mistreated. She feels hurt and mentally complains and criticizes. She feels that she is being done an injustice to, but he never shares this with others. For her, the others are not correct, because they treat her unjustly.

 

S38  The Intimidator – Elias is an Intimidator. He seeks to control others by making them fear him. He obstructs them from asking anything of him or from controlling him, by making them afraid to approach. He does this by shouting, intimidating, accusing, threatening and occasionally even resorting to physical violence. He uses other people’s fear and self doubt to control them.

 

S39  The Interrogator – Katherine plays the role of the interrogator.  She would have made a good lawyer. She controls others by playing with their need for her approval. She does this by criticizing, doubting, giving advice and, in general, creating doubt about the others’ ability or correctness in what they are doing.

 

S40  The Aloof – Manfred tends to withdraw into himself and seldom communicates his feelings, thoughts or needs. His wife and children find him to be aloof.  He distances himself from others, avoiding meaningful or honest emotional contact.

 

S41  The Victim – Martha, 75 years old, has identified with the role of the victim since she got married fifty years ago.  She plays on the others’ pity and guilt. When they are angry with her, she protects herself from their rage and aggression by playing the weak abused person, usually crying.

 

S42  Cannot Be Happy When Others Are Not – Tatiana is very sensitive and identifies emotionally with those close to her. She finds it very difficult to be happy when anyone near her is not well, either physically or emotionally. She feels responsible. She also believes that it is not proper to be happy when someone she loves is not well.

 

S43  Do Not Change My Program – Albert is a very organized person. He likes everything to be in its place and to be in control in all situations. In order to feel safe, he needs to be functioning within a program. He needs for this program to be airtight and not change.  If for some reason beyond his control what he has programmed should change, he loses his serenity and can become very negative and even threatening.

 

S44  Perfect, Strong And Conscientious – Janet is a superwoman. She is extremely capable, efficient and conscientious. When she has something to do, she will not rest until it is accomplished. She can not live with “matters pending”. She can rest only when they have been completed.

 

S45  Fear Concerning The Children – Nora has intense fears concerning her children’s welfare. She is afraid of their becoming ill and has nightmares about the possibility of their departing from their bodies. She also fears that they might become involved in drugs, be kidnapped, have an accident or in some way be harmed. She simply cannot handle the possibility of her children being harmed in any way.

 

S46  Parental Pressure – Steven is a student at a well-known university. He is not happy. He has lost interest in his major and does not want to continue. His parents will not even discuss the possibility of his not completing his degree. He is fast approaching a depressive state, as he sees no solution.

 

S47  Loud Neighbors – Beverly lives with her husband and children in an apartment building. The tenants upstairs seem have little awareness of or respect for others. They play their television and stereo quite loud until early hours of the morning and walk in such a way so as to create a loud tapping noises with their ever step.

 

S48  Good, Righteous And Spiritual – Paul is very much identified with the role of the “good, righteous and spiritual person”. That is not to say that he is not a good person, but that he bases his self worth on this fact and wants to appear even more “spiritual” than he is.

 

S49  Weak,   Incapable And Dependent – Hubert feels weak and incapable. He has been programmed in this way by a weak mother and a domineering and demeaning father. He has come to perceive himself as unable to face the difficulties of life.

 

S50  The Rebel The Revolutionary, The Negative, The Antagonist. – Jake is a rebel. He easily feels suppressed and reacts in ways to protect his freedom often from imaginary dangers. He believes that others cant to control him and prevent him from doing what he would like to do.

 

S51 <a href=”/archives/lessons/s_51.asp”>The Parent The Savior, The Teacher, The Responsible – Anthony is a “savior”. He feels responsible for all around him. He believes that he must save them and keep them well and happy. He cannot rest when someone he feels responsible for is not well or happy. He feels that he has failed in his “role”. Others can easily use or control him, by making him feel that he is responsible for their reality.

 

S52  The Guilty, The Sinner, The Bad, The Evil One – Susan has a tendency to feel guilty. She has been programmed to believe that she is unworthy, evil a sinner. This causes her to incessantly seek her self worth through others. She spends tremendous amounts of energy attempting to prove her self worth through her professional endeavors, her service to others.

 

 

 

 

Life Lessons no 3 – They Have Nothing in Common

Life Stories and Lessons 
S3 SITUATIONS AND LESSONS NO. 3 – THEY HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON
Voula and Makis have nothing in common.

They cannot communicate. Both feel lonely, disappointment and injustice. As they have completely different interests and opinions on just about everything, one would wonder why they got married in the first place.

That is the power of Erotas. His job is to get people together who have something to teach each other and something to learn from each other. He does this by making them blind to the fact that the other has many things which annoys us. When the effect of Erotas’ arrows pass and we wake up from our dream, we find our that we are married to a person who embodies many behaviors which annoy us and that often they have a completely different value system.

This is also augmented by the fact that Voula has begun to search for something deeper through self analysis and self knowledge seminars. She has begun to move in directions which Makis rejects. And thus the gap between them is widening.

Both feel cheated because they both want to be with someone who thinks like them and fits their mold of what a man or woman should be.

He wants her to be at home more, to attend to himself and the children exclusively. He wants her to pay more attention to her appearance and to agree with him on everything.

She wants him more sensitive, more expressive of what he is feeling. She would like to share her psychological and philosophical discoveries with him. He is not only not interested, but also intimidated by the fact that she has something else in her life besides him, and that she may even be able to be better at something than he is. This is unbearable for him as a man and thus he tries through the role of the “intimidator” to stop her.

Voula, after playing the victim for a number of years, has now with her psychological skills become the perfect interrogator, attacking back with her analysis of his fears and complexes, something which makes Makis even more outraged, and then he really gets into the intimidator role, even threatening her with physical violence, if she doesn’t stop that psychological stuff.

Where will this end if each does not learn his and her own lessons? What do they need to learn?

Voula: Is her lesson to try to help her husband feel secure with her? Perhaps show more interest is his interests? Are they both playing the game of who is right? Does she need to stop playing this game? Does she need to learn to use her analysis on her self only and not as weapon against her husband? Does she need to learn to sacrifice what she wants occasionally so that she can help him feel more secure and loved? Or does she need to follow what really interests her and let him be responsible for his reality? Or both? Does she need to remember that he is exactly the husband she needs for her growth process and that she is not the victim and that no mistake has been made, and that she couldn’t evolve better with someone else?

Makis: Does he need to become more secure in himself? More understanding and less fearful of his wife’s needs and activities? Does he too need to try out approaching his wife by partaking in her interests? Does he need to show her more affection and love? Does he need to reevaluate his prototypes for what a wife must be like so that he can accept his wife for what she is, rather than try to make her be what he would like her to be?

Both: Perhaps both need to remember that the other is their teacher. And to approach the other with love and an open mind and open heart. Both might need to let go of the game who is right, and put listening and loving above being right. Perhaps both need to be able to feel close to the other even when the other does not agree. This will take a high degree of inner security and self acceptance on both parts.

Both need to work with the exercises in this book very much.


*************************

 

You can download an ebook with 52 life situations and possible lessons that each might have in those situations at

 

http://www.armonikizoi.com/store/products/life-coach-2-situations-and-lessons

The situations included in that ebook are the following.

 

******************

 

 LIFE STORIES AND LESSONS

 

These contain possible lessons to be learned. The stories involve real-life scenarios and offer us a clearer and deeper understanding deeply our own life situations.

 

We are educators and believe in the information we are sharing with you. But we are not doctors and cannot take any responsibility for you health. Ultimately in all cases, even with your doctors, you are responsible for your health and must follow your inner voice concerning how to maintain your health or heal your self. If you have any doubt about any suggestions you find here, consult your doctor or simply do not employ them.

 

 

S01 Self Suppression  – Anna does whatever she is asked to do despite the fact that she doesn’t want to and then feels that she has been done injustice to.

 

S02  Super Woman – Katerina is very conscientious, a hard worker and reliable in all cases. No one knows she has needs and feels hurt.

 

S03  They Have Nothing In Common – They are married and have nothing in common.

 

S04  To Communicate Or Not – Melina solves her problems by talking and using her husband as a sounding board. He is aloof and prefers not to talk.

 

S05  Jealousy – Vasilis is very jealous of Efi and does not want her out of the house at all without him.

 

S06  Different Sexual Needs – She lost her desire for sexual contact very early in her marriage. He feels rejected and suppressed.

 

S07  He Doesn’t Love Me –  She is unhappy because her husband does not love her.

 

S08  Illness – Gina’s long standing illness has become a source of tension for all her family.

 

S09  Fear And Jealousy, Suppression And Reaction – She is not very sure of herself as woman. She doubts whether a man can stay interested in her.

 

S10  Social Life – He does not feel comfortable with people. She needs frequent social contact.

 

S11   Anger – Vicky never expresses her anger, but receives everyone else’s.

 

S12  Anxiety – She has continual anxiety about her children.

 

S13  Our Happiness Is Dependent On How The Other Is – Anastasia cannot feel well when her husband Antonis is one is not well.

 

S14  Shame – She often feels ashamed of her husband’s behavior.

 

S15  Does Not Keep Agreements – He says “YES” to what he is requested, but then does not do it.

 

S16  If They Loved Me, They Would Respond To My Needs. – Aliki is hurt and angry because no one in her family love her enough to respond to her needs.

 

S17  Perfectionism – Marina is a perfectionist and this annoys her husband, Dionisis.

 

S18  Mother In Law – Elias is caught between two women he loves, his wife and his mother.

 

S19  What To Do? – Argyro loves Stellios but she is not “in love” with him. He has proposed marriage. What she should do?

 

S20  Losing Weight And Smoking Cigarettes – He rejects her for being overweight and she retaliates about his smoking.

 

S21  Strength And Fear – Emotion And Logic – A few years ago she had an experience in which she almost fainted in the center of the City.

 

S22  Mirroring Negativity – Nikos had the need to share his problems with his wife when he arrived home from work.

 

S23  His Wife Is Missing From The House Continually – He feels rejected and demeaned by the fact that his wife is out of the house so much.

 

S24  A 30 Year Old Child – Both Froso and her husband experience inner and outer conflict because their thirty year old son has not yet become economically independent.

 

S25  Meaningful Work – He is dissatisfied with his work, and wants to stop. His wife is afraid he might leave it.

 

S26  Fear Of Death – Giorgos, now fifty two, had always been a strong a capable man. Now he fears death.

 

S27  Addiction – He is an alcoholic. Both he and his family suffer.

 

S28  Just Divorced – Margarita was just left by her husband who went off with another woman.

 

S29  Death Of Loved One – Sophia who is only 45, with three children, lost her husband three months ago.

 

 

THE LIFE SITUATIONS FROM NO. 30 AND ON ARE FROM THE BOOK

 The Psychology of Happiness

 

 

S30  Communication Problems – Anna enjoys sharing her feelings with her husband Paul. She also needs to know what he is feeling and thinking. When she is unable to communicate with him, she feels neglected and unloved.

 

S31 Anxiety About Grades – John and Barbara have three children in junior and senior school. Their house witnesses frequent battles concerning how much the children need to study and what grades are acceptable.

 

S32  Fear That He Is Having An Affair – Wendy is sure that her husband Mark is having an affair. She doesn’t have absolute proof but she just knows it in her heart. She is afraid and deeply hurt and disappointed. She feels rejected, demeaned, betrayed, quite insecure, not to mention angry.

 

S33  Alcoholic Father And Husband – Mary’s father was an abusive alcoholic. Her husband Tony is following in his footsteps. As is quite common, Mary has selected a husband who is simply a continuation of her father.

 

S34  Mother-In-Law – Phillip’s mother- in- law Olga has moved in. She tends to intrude into their lives, telling them what they are doing wrong and criticizing their behavior; especially concerning how they bring up their children.

 

S35  The Absent Spouse – Janice’s Husband Ted is seldom home. He prefers the office, the club and the bar. On the weekends he goes hunting with his male friends.

 

S36  Self Evaluation – Today Charles has discovered that his coworker Andy had a more successful professional year than he did. Andy sold more accounts and was commended and promoted by the company.

 

S37  Self Suppression – Susan suppresses herself in order to be accepted and loved. However, those around her don’t do the same. She feels mistreated. She feels hurt and mentally complains and criticizes. She feels that she is being done an injustice to, but he never shares this with others. For her, the others are not correct, because they treat her unjustly.

 

S38  The Intimidator – Elias is an Intimidator. He seeks to control others by making them fear him. He obstructs them from asking anything of him or from controlling him, by making them afraid to approach. He does this by shouting, intimidating, accusing, threatening and occasionally even resorting to physical violence. He uses other people’s fear and self doubt to control them.

 

S39  The Interrogator – Katherine plays the role of the interrogator.  She would have made a good lawyer. She controls others by playing with their need for her approval. She does this by criticizing, doubting, giving advice and, in general, creating doubt about the others’ ability or correctness in what they are doing.

 

S40  The Aloof – Manfred tends to withdraw into himself and seldom communicates his feelings, thoughts or needs. His wife and children find him to be aloof.  He distances himself from others, avoiding meaningful or honest emotional contact.

 

S41  The Victim – Martha, 75 years old, has identified with the role of the victim since she got married fifty years ago.  She plays on the others’ pity and guilt. When they are angry with her, she protects herself from their rage and aggression by playing the weak abused person, usually crying.

 

S42  Cannot Be Happy When Others Are Not – Tatiana is very sensitive and identifies emotionally with those close to her. She finds it very difficult to be happy when anyone near her is not well, either physically or emotionally. She feels responsible. She also believes that it is not proper to be happy when someone she loves is not well.

 

S43  Do Not Change My Program – Albert is a very organized person. He likes everything to be in its place and to be in control in all situations. In order to feel safe, he needs to be functioning within a program. He needs for this program to be airtight and not change.  If for some reason beyond his control what he has programmed should change, he loses his serenity and can become very negative and even threatening.

 

S44  Perfect, Strong And Conscientious – Janet is a superwoman. She is extremely capable, efficient and conscientious. When she has something to do, she will not rest until it is accomplished. She can not live with “matters pending”. She can rest only when they have been completed.

 

S45  Fear Concerning The Children – Nora has intense fears concerning her children’s welfare. She is afraid of their becoming ill and has nightmares about the possibility of their departing from their bodies. She also fears that they might become involved in drugs, be kidnapped, have an accident or in some way be harmed. She simply cannot handle the possibility of her children being harmed in any way.

 

S46  Parental Pressure – Steven is a student at a well-known university. He is not happy. He has lost interest in his major and does not want to continue. His parents will not even discuss the possibility of his not completing his degree. He is fast approaching a depressive state, as he sees no solution.

 

S47  Loud Neighbors – Beverly lives with her husband and children in an apartment building. The tenants upstairs seem have little awareness of or respect for others. They play their television and stereo quite loud until early hours of the morning and walk in such a way so as to create a loud tapping noises with their ever step.

 

S48  Good, Righteous And Spiritual – Paul is very much identified with the role of the “good, righteous and spiritual person”. That is not to say that he is not a good person, but that he bases his self worth on this fact and wants to appear even more “spiritual” than he is.

 

S49  Weak,   Incapable And Dependent – Hubert feels weak and incapable. He has been programmed in this way by a weak mother and a domineering and demeaning father. He has come to perceive himself as unable to face the difficulties of life.

 

S50  The Rebel The Revolutionary, The Negative, The Antagonist. – Jake is a rebel. He easily feels suppressed and reacts in ways to protect his freedom often from imaginary dangers. He believes that others cant to control him and prevent him from doing what he would like to do.

 

S51 <a href=”/archives/lessons/s_51.asp”>The Parent The Savior, The Teacher, The Responsible – Anthony is a “savior”. He feels responsible for all around him. He believes that he must save them and keep them well and happy. He cannot rest when someone he feels responsible for is not well or happy. He feels that he has failed in his “role”. Others can easily use or control him, by making him feel that he is responsible for their reality.

 

S52  The Guilty, The Sinner, The Bad, The Evil One – Susan has a tendency to feel guilty. She has been programmed to believe that she is unworthy, evil a sinner. This causes her to incessantly seek her self worth through others. She spends tremendous amounts of energy attempting to prove her self worth through her professional endeavors, her service to others.

 

 

 

 

Life Lessons no 2 – Super Woman

Life Stories and Lessons
S2 Situation & Lessons No.2 – SUPER WOMAN

Katerina is very conscientious, a hard worker and reliable in all cases.

At work and at home she can be depended on to get things done. She often stays hours after work in order to get her work done, something which no one else in her office does.

When she gets home, she immediately starts out with the cooking, cleaning, dishes etc. Although the others are home even before she is, no one even thinks of helping out. Katerina will do all this. She is a perfectionist and although sometimes complains that no one helps, she in fact cannot relax when they do something. First of all they may not do it right. Secondly, she depends on the role of the super responsible and super capable person who can do everything to establish her self worth. This is how she has been programmed that she can ensure respect and love from the others. (The truth, however, is that only her boss is happy about it, because his work gets done correctly and quickly. Most of her coworkers and family members are annoyed by the tension which she creates in her super woman role.)

Even when she does allocate some responsibility to someone else, her anxiety for it to get done and be right forces her to do it before the other gets a chance. She is attached to both speed and perfection. She cannot relax when something is not completed or when something is not cleaned and in its place.

Except for putting up with her regular complaining that no one helps and an occasional outburst of anger, the others in the family and even at work have it easy. They have very little work to do, and depend on Katerina to get it done. Her occasional anger is a small price to pay for not having to do much work.

They sometimes feel sorry for her and want to help her, but do not know how. They cannot share her standards for order, cleanliness and speed of execution. These are not as important to them as they are to Katerina. And they have never had the opportunity to feel those needs, because everything has always been taken care by her before they could feel any lack.

Katerina’s husband Petro, is gradually losing his self respect, and depending more and more on Katerina for things to be done. She even has to take the car to get fixed because he leaves it for months. Her super woman role was gradually sapping him of all his self worth and he was becoming ever more lazy and irresponsible. He agrees to do things, but literally takes months to do them.

He eventually found himself spending more and more time with the men at the coffee house, playing cards and killing time. He was now avoiding contact with Katerina, who was a continuous reminder of his inadequacy. She was even making more money than him, and this was a blow to his manhood.

All this could have been predicted by anyone who was aware of the messages they received as children. Petro, the son of two very active and successful parents, was put off by their hyperactivity and simultaneously very doubtful that he could ever succeed in their eyes and by their measure. He was very fearful of failing. This fear of failure caused him to become blocked to learning or doing, and he spent most of his time playing games, something he could succeed at.

He heard from his parents on daily basis that he was lazy, incapable and would do nothing with his life. He now sought to make their words come true.

Katerina understood at a young age that her father wanted a son and not a daughter, and although she was much more intelligent and industrious than her younger brother, he got all the attention. Katerina, then decided to prove her worth to her father in men’s terms. She decided that she must succeed professionally and economically so as to be a “man” in her father’s eyes and have his attention and love. Thus she became super woman.

Gradually the Petro and the children become even more lazy and rebellious. They subconsciously felt the need to do even less. Many times although agreements were made and they wanted to keep those agreements, they subconsciously undermined them, never keeping them. This was a reaction to the pressure and rejection they were feeling from Katerina.

Now everyone was feeling the victim. Katerina was the victim of their laziness and irresponsibility, and they were victims of her bitterness, rejection and anger.

Then one day Katerina got ill. She was exhausted and seriously ill and needed support from her family both in her illness and also in getting things done around the home. She asked for help, but no one could hear her. There was no space in their minds for an ill super woman. They loved her and cared for her, but they could not hear her needs. She had never expressed weakness, fear, inability before, and this was just so foreign, that they felt so uncomfortable, that could not respond.

Now Katerina felt doubly hurt and abused. For so many years, she had taken care of all their needs, and now that she needed them, no one could respond. She felt bitterly hurt at the indifference she was facing.

What could they have all done to avoid this situation? What lessons do they need to learn?

Katerina: Does she need to learn that she is worthy of love and respect even if she is not a super woman? Or that she does not help others, when she does their work for them or does not let them take on their responsibilities? Perhaps she needs to learn to have faith in the others abilities or to allow others to grow through their mistakes? Does she need to learn express her needs, without complaining or accusing, and believe that it is natural that the others will want to support her in fulfilling her needs? Or perhaps to be able to rest when tired even when everything in not perfect around her?

Petro: Is his lesson to believe in himself and his intelligence and abilities? Or could it be that his self worth is not measured by his achievements but rather by his heart and his character? Does he need to learn to activate himself and offer more? Does he need to work on his childhood years and free himself from that false programming?

How about the others: Perhaps they need to learn to be more responsible and energetic in their responsibilities and work? Perhaps also to hear Katerina’s needs behind her complaints and accusations and help her out even when she does not have faith in how they will do it? Or even to hear and respond to her needs even when she cannot express them?

*************************

You can download an ebook with 52 life situations and possible lessons that each might have in those situations at

http://www.armonikizoi.com/store/products/life-coach-2-situations-and-lessons

The situations included in that ebook are the following.

 

 LIFE STORIES AND LESSONS

 

These contain possible lessons to be learned. The stories involve real-life scenarios and offer us a clearer and deeper understanding deeply our own life situations.

 

We are educators and believe in the information we are sharing with you. But we are not doctors and cannot take any responsibility for you health. Ultimately in all cases, even with your doctors, you are responsible for your health and must follow your inner voice concerning how to maintain your health or heal your self. If you have any doubt about any suggestions you find here, consult your doctor or simply do not employ them.

 

 

S01 Self Suppression  – Anna does whatever she is asked to do despite the fact that she doesn’t want to and then feels that she has been done injustice to.

 

S02  Super Woman – Katerina is very conscientious, a hard worker and reliable in all cases. No one knows she has needs and feels hurt.

 

S03  They Have Nothing In Common – They are married and have nothing in common.

 

S04  To Communicate Or Not – Melina solves her problems by talking and using her husband as a sounding board. He is aloof and prefers not to talk.

 

S05  Jealousy – Vasilis is very jealous of Efi and does not want her out of the house at all without him.

 

S06  Different Sexual Needs – She lost her desire for sexual contact very early in her marriage. He feels rejected and suppressed.

 

S07  He Doesn’t Love Me –  She is unhappy because her husband does not love her.

 

S08  Illness – Gina’s long standing illness has become a source of tension for all her family.

 

S09  Fear And Jealousy, Suppression And Reaction – She is not very sure of herself as woman. She doubts whether a man can stay interested in her.

 

S10  Social Life – He does not feel comfortable with people. She needs frequent social contact.

 

S11   Anger – Vicky never expresses her anger, but receives everyone else’s.

 

S12  Anxiety – She has continual anxiety about her children.

 

S13  Our Happiness Is Dependent On How The Other Is – Anastasia cannot feel well when her husband Antonis is one is not well.

 

S14  Shame – She often feels ashamed of her husband’s behavior.

 

S15  Does Not Keep Agreements – He says “YES” to what he is requested, but then does not do it.

 

S16  If They Loved Me, They Would Respond To My Needs. – Aliki is hurt and angry because no one in her family love her enough to respond to her needs.

 

S17  Perfectionism – Marina is a perfectionist and this annoys her husband, Dionisis.

 

S18  Mother In Law – Elias is caught between two women he loves, his wife and his mother.

 

S19  What To Do? – Argyro loves Stellios but she is not “in love” with him. He has proposed marriage. What she should do?

 

S20  Losing Weight And Smoking Cigarettes – He rejects her for being overweight and she retaliates about his smoking.

 

S21  Strength And Fear – Emotion And Logic – A few years ago she had an experience in which she almost fainted in the center of the City.

 

S22  Mirroring Negativity – Nikos had the need to share his problems with his wife when he arrived home from work.

 

S23  His Wife Is Missing From The House Continually – He feels rejected and demeaned by the fact that his wife is out of the house so much.

 

S24  A 30 Year Old Child – Both Froso and her husband experience inner and outer conflict because their thirty year old son has not yet become economically independent.

 

S25  Meaningful Work – He is dissatisfied with his work, and wants to stop. His wife is afraid he might leave it.

 

S26  Fear Of Death – Giorgos, now fifty two, had always been a strong a capable man. Now he fears death.

 

S27  Addiction – He is an alcoholic. Both he and his family suffer.

 

S28  Just Divorced – Margarita was just left by her husband who went off with another woman.

 

S29  Death Of Loved One – Sophia who is only 45, with three children, lost her husband three months ago.

 

 

THE LIFE SITUATIONS FROM NO. 30 AND ON ARE FROM THE BOOK

 The Psychology of Happiness

 

 

S30  Communication Problems – Anna enjoys sharing her feelings with her husband Paul. She also needs to know what he is feeling and thinking. When she is unable to communicate with him, she feels neglected and unloved.

 

S31 Anxiety About Grades – John and Barbara have three children in junior and senior school. Their house witnesses frequent battles concerning how much the children need to study and what grades are acceptable.

 

S32  Fear That He Is Having An Affair – Wendy is sure that her husband Mark is having an affair. She doesn’t have absolute proof but she just knows it in her heart. She is afraid and deeply hurt and disappointed. She feels rejected, demeaned, betrayed, quite insecure, not to mention angry.

 

S33  Alcoholic Father And Husband – Mary’s father was an abusive alcoholic. Her husband Tony is following in his footsteps. As is quite common, Mary has selected a husband who is simply a continuation of her father.

 

S34  Mother-In-Law – Phillip’s mother- in- law Olga has moved in. She tends to intrude into their lives, telling them what they are doing wrong and criticizing their behavior; especially concerning how they bring up their children.

 

S35  The Absent Spouse – Janice’s Husband Ted is seldom home. He prefers the office, the club and the bar. On the weekends he goes hunting with his male friends.

 

S36  Self Evaluation – Today Charles has discovered that his coworker Andy had a more successful professional year than he did. Andy sold more accounts and was commended and promoted by the company.

 

S37  Self Suppression – Susan suppresses herself in order to be accepted and loved. However, those around her don’t do the same. She feels mistreated. She feels hurt and mentally complains and criticizes. She feels that she is being done an injustice to, but he never shares this with others. For her, the others are not correct, because they treat her unjustly.

 

S38  The Intimidator – Elias is an Intimidator. He seeks to control others by making them fear him. He obstructs them from asking anything of him or from controlling him, by making them afraid to approach. He does this by shouting, intimidating, accusing, threatening and occasionally even resorting to physical violence. He uses other people’s fear and self doubt to control them.

 

S39  The Interrogator – Katherine plays the role of the interrogator.  She would have made a good lawyer. She controls others by playing with their need for her approval. She does this by criticizing, doubting, giving advice and, in general, creating doubt about the others’ ability or correctness in what they are doing.

 

S40  The Aloof – Manfred tends to withdraw into himself and seldom communicates his feelings, thoughts or needs. His wife and children find him to be aloof.  He distances himself from others, avoiding meaningful or honest emotional contact.

 

S41  The Victim – Martha, 75 years old, has identified with the role of the victim since she got married fifty years ago.  She plays on the others’ pity and guilt. When they are angry with her, she protects herself from their rage and aggression by playing the weak abused person, usually crying.

 

S42  Cannot Be Happy When Others Are Not – Tatiana is very sensitive and identifies emotionally with those close to her. She finds it very difficult to be happy when anyone near her is not well, either physically or emotionally. She feels responsible. She also believes that it is not proper to be happy when someone she loves is not well.

 

S43  Do Not Change My Program – Albert is a very organized person. He likes everything to be in its place and to be in control in all situations. In order to feel safe, he needs to be functioning within a program. He needs for this program to be airtight and not change.  If for some reason beyond his control what he has programmed should change, he loses his serenity and can become very negative and even threatening.

 

S44  Perfect, Strong And Conscientious – Janet is a superwoman. She is extremely capable, efficient and conscientious. When she has something to do, she will not rest until it is accomplished. She can not live with “matters pending”. She can rest only when they have been completed.

 

S45  Fear Concerning The Children – Nora has intense fears concerning her children’s welfare. She is afraid of their becoming ill and has nightmares about the possibility of their departing from their bodies. She also fears that they might become involved in drugs, be kidnapped, have an accident or in some way be harmed. She simply cannot handle the possibility of her children being harmed in any way.

 

S46  Parental Pressure – Steven is a student at a well-known university. He is not happy. He has lost interest in his major and does not want to continue. His parents will not even discuss the possibility of his not completing his degree. He is fast approaching a depressive state, as he sees no solution.

 

S47  Loud Neighbors – Beverly lives with her husband and children in an apartment building. The tenants upstairs seem have little awareness of or respect for others. They play their television and stereo quite loud until early hours of the morning and walk in such a way so as to create a loud tapping noises with their ever step.

 

S48  Good, Righteous And Spiritual – Paul is very much identified with the role of the “good, righteous and spiritual person”. That is not to say that he is not a good person, but that he bases his self worth on this fact and wants to appear even more “spiritual” than he is.

 

S49  Weak,   Incapable And Dependent – Hubert feels weak and incapable. He has been programmed in this way by a weak mother and a domineering and demeaning father. He has come to perceive himself as unable to face the difficulties of life.

 

S50  The Rebel The Revolutionary, The Negative, The Antagonist. – Jake is a rebel. He easily feels suppressed and reacts in ways to protect his freedom often from imaginary dangers. He believes that others cant to control him and prevent him from doing what he would like to do.

 

S51 <a href=”/archives/lessons/s_51.asp”>The Parent The Savior, The Teacher, The Responsible – Anthony is a “savior”. He feels responsible for all around him. He believes that he must save them and keep them well and happy. He cannot rest when someone he feels responsible for is not well or happy. He feels that he has failed in his “role”. Others can easily use or control him, by making him feel that he is responsible for their reality.

 

S52  The Guilty, The Sinner, The Bad, The Evil One – Susan has a tendency to feel guilty. She has been programmed to believe that she is unworthy, evil a sinner. This causes her to incessantly seek her self worth through others. She spends tremendous amounts of energy attempting to prove her self worth through her professional endeavors, her service to others.

Life Lessons no 1- Self Suppression

Life Stories and Lessons 
S1 Situation & Lessons No. 1 – SELF SUPPRESSION

Anna does whatever she is asked to do despite the fact that she doesn’t want to.

Feeling mistreated, she grumbles, complains and bursts out in anger every so often, because of the resentment which accumulates within her. Although she feels suppressed, she finds it impossible to say “No”. She is afraid that they will not love her any more, that they will reject her if she refuses what they request of her.

She believes that their “love” for her is based solely in the prerequisite that she comply with their every wish.

Her family members have gotten used to Anna in this role, and now take it for granted that she will do to anything they ask of her. Even though she complains, plays the role of the victim, and frequently declares she will do no more, they do not hear this, because her actions never follow her words. She has threatened often to stop doing whatever they ask, but has never once stopped. She does not know how to. She is afraid that she will loose their love. Also she receives her feelings of self worth from being the victim the martyr, the good person who is done injustice to, who has no time for personal needs.

Her husband and children could easily love her even if she didn’t do all these things, but they have simply gotten used to this situations and have found the easy solution to let Anna do everything, especially in the home. The truth is that in spite of all her complaining and threats, she has never asked them to all sit down to discuss the matter in a clear and effective manner.

And thus each stayed in his and her role until one day…



Then one day she thinks. “what kind of love is this which depends on whether I suppress myself, have no needs and do whatever they ask me. This is not love but bartering. I barter my freedom and needs and self respect for their acceptance and “love”. I will start expressing my needs and will say “Yes” only when I really feel it. Whoever really loves me will continue to do so.

But Anna at first was not comfortable at saying “no” and found her self saying it rather roughly and aggressively. Also she had suppressed herself for so many years, that she now wanted to do very few things that were asked of her. She felt each request an infringement on her freedom.

She had now come to the other extreme of behavior. She was uncooperative and aggressive.

Gradually Anna will realize that real freedom is giving out of love and not out fear. When we give out of fear of rejection, then we are not really giving but bartering whatever we are giving for the others’ acceptance.

Real giving is giving when we know we are free not to give, but chose to give out of love for the others.

She will then say “Yes”, about the same number of times she did in the past, but now she will be saying “yes” out of freedom and not out of fear, and she will feel no pressure and will be happy.

How can she manage that? What could her lesson be? Does she need to realize that she is lovable just as she is, even when she cannot respond to what others ask of her? Or does she need to learn to give as she is now, but out of love and not out of fear of rejection? Does she need to learn to let others be responsible for their reality? Or perhaps she needs to realize that she is worthy and lovable and good even when she in not a victim and even when she attends to her own needs?

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You can download an ebook with 52 life situations and possible lessons that each might have in those situations at

 

http://www.armonikizoi.com/store/products/life-coach-2-situations-and-lessons

The situations included in that ebook are the following.

 

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 LIFE STORIES AND LESSONS

 

These contain possible lessons to be learned. The stories involve real-life scenarios and offer us a clearer and deeper understanding deeply our own life situations.

 

We are educators and believe in the information we are sharing with you. But we are not doctors and cannot take any responsibility for you health. Ultimately in all cases, even with your doctors, you are responsible for your health and must follow your inner voice concerning how to maintain your health or heal your self. If you have any doubt about any suggestions you find here, consult your doctor or simply do not employ them.

 

 

S01 Self Suppression  – Anna does whatever she is asked to do despite the fact that she doesn’t want to and then feels that she has been done injustice to.

 

S02  Super Woman – Katerina is very conscientious, a hard worker and reliable in all cases. No one knows she has needs and feels hurt.

 

S03  They Have Nothing In Common – They are married and have nothing in common.

 

S04  To Communicate Or Not – Melina solves her problems by talking and using her husband as a sounding board. He is aloof and prefers not to talk.

 

S05  Jealousy – Vasilis is very jealous of Efi and does not want her out of the house at all without him.

 

S06  Different Sexual Needs – She lost her desire for sexual contact very early in her marriage. He feels rejected and suppressed.

 

S07  He Doesn’t Love Me –  She is unhappy because her husband does not love her.

 

S08  Illness – Gina’s long standing illness has become a source of tension for all her family.

 

S09  Fear And Jealousy, Suppression And Reaction – She is not very sure of herself as woman. She doubts whether a man can stay interested in her.

 

S10  Social Life – He does not feel comfortable with people. She needs frequent social contact.

 

S11   Anger – Vicky never expresses her anger, but receives everyone else’s.

 

S12  Anxiety – She has continual anxiety about her children.

 

S13  Our Happiness Is Dependent On How The Other Is – Anastasia cannot feel well when her husband Antonis is one is not well.

 

S14  Shame – She often feels ashamed of her husband’s behavior.

 

S15  Does Not Keep Agreements – He says “YES” to what he is requested, but then does not do it.

 

S16  If They Loved Me, They Would Respond To My Needs. – Aliki is hurt and angry because no one in her family love her enough to respond to her needs.

 

S17  Perfectionism – Marina is a perfectionist and this annoys her husband, Dionisis.

 

S18  Mother In Law – Elias is caught between two women he loves, his wife and his mother.

 

S19  What To Do? – Argyro loves Stellios but she is not “in love” with him. He has proposed marriage. What she should do?

 

S20  Losing Weight And Smoking Cigarettes – He rejects her for being overweight and she retaliates about his smoking.

 

S21  Strength And Fear – Emotion And Logic – A few years ago she had an experience in which she almost fainted in the center of the City.

 

S22  Mirroring Negativity – Nikos had the need to share his problems with his wife when he arrived home from work.

 

S23  His Wife Is Missing From The House Continually – He feels rejected and demeaned by the fact that his wife is out of the house so much.

 

S24  A 30 Year Old Child – Both Froso and her husband experience inner and outer conflict because their thirty year old son has not yet become economically independent.

 

S25  Meaningful Work – He is dissatisfied with his work, and wants to stop. His wife is afraid he might leave it.

 

S26  Fear Of Death – Giorgos, now fifty two, had always been a strong a capable man. Now he fears death.

 

S27  Addiction – He is an alcoholic. Both he and his family suffer.

 

S28  Just Divorced – Margarita was just left by her husband who went off with another woman.

 

S29  Death Of Loved One – Sophia who is only 45, with three children, lost her husband three months ago.

 

 

THE LIFE SITUATIONS FROM NO. 30 AND ON ARE FROM THE BOOK

 The Psychology of Happiness

 

 

S30  Communication Problems – Anna enjoys sharing her feelings with her husband Paul. She also needs to know what he is feeling and thinking. When she is unable to communicate with him, she feels neglected and unloved.

 

S31 Anxiety About Grades – John and Barbara have three children in junior and senior school. Their house witnesses frequent battles concerning how much the children need to study and what grades are acceptable.

 

S32  Fear That He Is Having An Affair – Wendy is sure that her husband Mark is having an affair. She doesn’t have absolute proof but she just knows it in her heart. She is afraid and deeply hurt and disappointed. She feels rejected, demeaned, betrayed, quite insecure, not to mention angry.

 

S33  Alcoholic Father And Husband – Mary’s father was an abusive alcoholic. Her husband Tony is following in his footsteps. As is quite common, Mary has selected a husband who is simply a continuation of her father.

 

S34  Mother-In-Law – Phillip’s mother- in- law Olga has moved in. She tends to intrude into their lives, telling them what they are doing wrong and criticizing their behavior; especially concerning how they bring up their children.

 

S35  The Absent Spouse – Janice’s Husband Ted is seldom home. He prefers the office, the club and the bar. On the weekends he goes hunting with his male friends.

 

S36  Self Evaluation – Today Charles has discovered that his coworker Andy had a more successful professional year than he did. Andy sold more accounts and was commended and promoted by the company.

 

S37  Self Suppression – Susan suppresses herself in order to be accepted and loved. However, those around her don’t do the same. She feels mistreated. She feels hurt and mentally complains and criticizes. She feels that she is being done an injustice to, but he never shares this with others. For her, the others are not correct, because they treat her unjustly.

 

S38  The Intimidator – Elias is an Intimidator. He seeks to control others by making them fear him. He obstructs them from asking anything of him or from controlling him, by making them afraid to approach. He does this by shouting, intimidating, accusing, threatening and occasionally even resorting to physical violence. He uses other people’s fear and self doubt to control them.

 

S39  The Interrogator – Katherine plays the role of the interrogator.  She would have made a good lawyer. She controls others by playing with their need for her approval. She does this by criticizing, doubting, giving advice and, in general, creating doubt about the others’ ability or correctness in what they are doing.

 

S40  The Aloof – Manfred tends to withdraw into himself and seldom communicates his feelings, thoughts or needs. His wife and children find him to be aloof.  He distances himself from others, avoiding meaningful or honest emotional contact.

 

S41  The Victim – Martha, 75 years old, has identified with the role of the victim since she got married fifty years ago.  She plays on the others’ pity and guilt. When they are angry with her, she protects herself from their rage and aggression by playing the weak abused person, usually crying.

 

S42  Cannot Be Happy When Others Are Not – Tatiana is very sensitive and identifies emotionally with those close to her. She finds it very difficult to be happy when anyone near her is not well, either physically or emotionally. She feels responsible. She also believes that it is not proper to be happy when someone she loves is not well.

 

S43  Do Not Change My Program – Albert is a very organized person. He likes everything to be in its place and to be in control in all situations. In order to feel safe, he needs to be functioning within a program. He needs for this program to be airtight and not change.  If for some reason beyond his control what he has programmed should change, he loses his serenity and can become very negative and even threatening.

 

S44  Perfect, Strong And Conscientious – Janet is a superwoman. She is extremely capable, efficient and conscientious. When she has something to do, she will not rest until it is accomplished. She can not live with “matters pending”. She can rest only when they have been completed.

 

S45  Fear Concerning The Children – Nora has intense fears concerning her children’s welfare. She is afraid of their becoming ill and has nightmares about the possibility of their departing from their bodies. She also fears that they might become involved in drugs, be kidnapped, have an accident or in some way be harmed. She simply cannot handle the possibility of her children being harmed in any way.

 

S46  Parental Pressure – Steven is a student at a well-known university. He is not happy. He has lost interest in his major and does not want to continue. His parents will not even discuss the possibility of his not completing his degree. He is fast approaching a depressive state, as he sees no solution.

 

S47  Loud Neighbors – Beverly lives with her husband and children in an apartment building. The tenants upstairs seem have little awareness of or respect for others. They play their television and stereo quite loud until early hours of the morning and walk in such a way so as to create a loud tapping noises with their ever step.

 

S48  Good, Righteous And Spiritual – Paul is very much identified with the role of the “good, righteous and spiritual person”. That is not to say that he is not a good person, but that he bases his self worth on this fact and wants to appear even more “spiritual” than he is.

 

S49  Weak,   Incapable And Dependent – Hubert feels weak and incapable. He has been programmed in this way by a weak mother and a domineering and demeaning father. He has come to perceive himself as unable to face the difficulties of life.

 

S50  The Rebel The Revolutionary, The Negative, The Antagonist. – Jake is a rebel. He easily feels suppressed and reacts in ways to protect his freedom often from imaginary dangers. He believes that others cant to control him and prevent him from doing what he would like to do.

 

S51 <a href=”/archives/lessons/s_51.asp”>The Parent The Savior, The Teacher, The Responsible – Anthony is a “savior”. He feels responsible for all around him. He believes that he must save them and keep them well and happy. He cannot rest when someone he feels responsible for is not well or happy. He feels that he has failed in his “role”. Others can easily use or control him, by making him feel that he is responsible for their reality.

 

S52  The Guilty, The Sinner, The Bad, The Evil One – Susan has a tendency to feel guilty. She has been programmed to believe that she is unworthy, evil a sinner. This causes her to incessantly seek her self worth through others. She spends tremendous amounts of energy attempting to prove her self worth through her professional endeavors, her service to others.

 

 

 

 

I – Messages for Effective Communication

 SAMPLE I MESSAGES TO   LOVED ONES IN VARIOUS SITUATIONS

We believe that these sample messages will aid you in your communication with the important people in your lives.

List of messages:

N1 What Is An I ? Message?

N2 Sharing Your Inner World

N3 Some Useful Thoughts And Suggestions For when We Are Having Need Conflicts

N4 Suggestions For Creating Harmonious Communication

N5 I-Message To An Aloof Spouse

N6 I-Message To An Interrogator, Critic

N7 I-Message To An Intimidator

N8 I-Message To A Victim

N9 An Example «I Message» To A Spouse Who Doesn?t Listen Or Speaks Aggressively

N10 To A Child Wants To Go To The Movies

N11 The Blaring Stereo

N12 To A Child After A Note From The Teacher

N13 To A Child About A The Messy House

N14 To The Child Who Arrives Home Late

N15 To Children Who Are Fighting Over A Game

N16 More About Communication With Children

N17 Active Listening

N18 Putting Our Selves In The Other’s Position

N19 Examples Of I-Messages For Students

N1 WHAT IS AN I ? MESSAGE?

An «I message» is a form of communication in which we effectively express to someone what is happening inside of us. In this way we help the other to understand us and our feelings, needs, thoughts and actions. In our communication with others we often make «you messages» in which we accuse the other of being wrong, evil or unacceptable. When we do this, he feels hurt, rejected, endangered and angry. This puts him on the defensive. He stops hearing what we are saying, because this hurts him. He feels the need to protect himself in various ways.

Some may protect themselves by closing in on themselves and shutting us out emotionally. Others may become defensive, and even aggressive, in their attempt to protect themselves. When we communicate with someone in this way, it is very unlikely that we will be able to create an open, loving, supporting relationship with this person.

The «I message» takes the emphasis off what the other is doing wrong, or what we think about the other, and puts the emphasis on:

1.how we feel,

2.what we need,

3.how we think, and

4.what help we need from the other in order to feel happy and more satisfied in this relationship.

We avoid dwelling on who has done what to whom, and focus on what kind of relationship we would like now, and how we feel and what we need now from the other person.

The «I message» is more honest. When we make «you messages» we simply express our anger and negative feelings towards the other. We do not explain the beliefs, programmings, fears, expectations, needs, desires, attachments and aversions which are at the root of these negative feelings. We do not take responsibility for our reality, but rather blame our reality on the other. We do not explain to the other that we have various needs, fears and weaknesses, which make us vulnerable to his behavior or beliefs, and that this is the actual cause of our problem and not simply his behavior. The cause of our reality is our beliefs and not the other?s behavior which may or may not be in harmony with our expectations.

The «I message» has four basic parts. The first part is the introduction. It is important to start our communication with two important messages which will help the other to relax and be able to listen more openly to our communication. The first important message is that we are approaching the other because we ourselves have a problem and we would like to ask his help, or at least his understanding. We are not approaching him because we want to reject him, or change him, or blame him, but because we are unhappy and need his help in solving this problem. This is called retaining the ownership of the problem. Now the other also may have a serious problem, but it might not be the same problem that we have. For example we may be unhappy because our child, or spouse, is behaving in a certain way. Since we are unhappy, this is our problem. But that child or spouse may have some other problem which is making him or her act in that way. In some cases, they might have a problem with our behavior. In such cases, it is essential that each expresses what exactly his problem or needs are, rather than accuse or blame the other.

The second message which we need to give in the introduction is that we are approaching the other because this relationship is important to us and because our happiness depends on its being harmonious. The other needs to hear that he or she is important to us and that we are interested in keeping this relationship as harmonious as possible.

N2 SHARING YOUR INNER WORLD

The second part of the «I message» is the process of sharing our inner world of thoughts, feelings, needs, fears and attachments and expectations. Here we explain to the other what feelings are created within us when we are faced with the situation or behavior which is troubling us. We also explain how our beliefs, needs, expectations and fears create those feelings within us. We may even go on to analyze how we then react towards him and others when we feel that way. It is important for the other to hear that, so that he can realize in the future, that our negative reactions towards him are not so much an expression of our hate, but rather or our fear, hurt, insecurity and self doubt. We tend to avoid exposing these vulnerable and weak parts of ourselves for we consider them unacceptable to others and even to ourselves. We fear that, if we show our needs or weaknesses, others will reject us, use us, manipulate us, or take us for granted. This, however, is not my experience. I believe that people are basically good and that, if we see the good within them, and address our selves to that goodness, and help them feel safe and accepted by us, then their inherent goodness will manifest in their relationship with us. Herein lies our real protection, and our real happiness.

Obviously, if we have for many years communicated in a different way, it may take some time for the other to relax, feel secure and respond to our new behavior. It is also extremely important to realize that no «I message» will ever work if we still internally believe that the other is to blame for our reality or that we are the victims of some injustice. Playing the victim will always put the other in the role of the abuser. It will be extremely useful to do positive visualization exercises concerning your communication in your difficult relationships.

When describing the behavior or situations which stimulate our inner programmings and create our negative inner world, it is important to do so in an non accusative way. We can first express our problem generally and then personally. Here is an example.

We do not however, suppress only our negative feelings. We also withhold our love, affection, admiration, gratitude and well wishes. We might do so because:

we fear how the other will respond,

or because we have learned that this is sign of weakness

or believe that the other will use this against us later,

or because we are in competition with the other,

or simply because we have not yet learned to express positive feelings. In most cases, we feel vulnerable.

Learning to express our positive feelings to others is a basic part of creating a happy relationship. We all need to hear positive feedback. We can make a separate list of the following for each of our important persons:

1. What are his / her positive traits which we admire?

2. What are her / his abilities or talents which we admire?

3. Why do we feel gratitude for that person?

4. What do we wish for that person (Health, success, happiness, growth etc.)?

5. Why do we love that person?

Then we can share our answers with them.

N3 SOME USEFUL THOUGHTS AND SUGGESTIONS FOR

WHEN WE ARE HAVING NEED CONFLICTS

1. It is not by chance that I am with this particular partner.

2. My partner is my teacher on my evolutionary path.

3. He or she gives me in each moment exactly what I need (pleasant or unpleasant) in order mature emotionally and spiritually and develop my inner feelings of security and self worth.

4. My partner needs and deserves my love and respect just as I need and deserve the same from him or her.

5. I really do love my partner and do wish for him or her to be well and happy.

6. Sincere and truthful communication is the only real solution.

7. Love understands and forgives.

8. We both deserve a happy live. only our egos and fears obstruct us.

N4 SUGGESTIONS FOR CREATING HARMONIOUS COMMUNICATION

1. You can perform daily a deep relaxation or positive projection technique in which you imagine that you are able to express your needs, feelings and thoughts to the other in an harmonious way with love and respect both for your self and the other. See the guidelines for such a positive projection.

2. Work on your own feelings of inner security and self-acceptance.

3. Agree to meet once a week to discuss your needs and feelings and share more deeply. It is best for the meeting be the same day and hour each week so that you each keep this hour free for that purpose.

4. You might want to discuss the answers to the various questionnaires in this site with each other at those meetings.

5. Learn to translate your complaints and anger into needs and express them with I- messages without criticism or threats. Simply explain to the other what you need and how important it for you that he or she respond to those needs and ask how they feel about that.

6. Learn to listen actively and clearly to what the other is trying to say seeking to understand what their real feelings are and what they really need.

7. Bring to mind daily at least three of your loved one?s positive qualities and share them with him or her when its feels natural.

8. Do things which you enjoy together.

9. Allow each other space and time to be alone and recharge emotionally and physically so that each rejuvenates himself and the relationship.

10. Express your love in ways that the other can feel it perhaps with a massage or flowers, cards with messages, gifts, or acts of service to each other.

N5 I-message TO AN ALOOF SPOUSE

“Dear, I have something important which I would like to express to you and if you want to answer me that would be fine. There are times when you are silent, inexpressive or even seem sad or angry. At those times, when I do not know what you are feeling or thinking, I sometimes think that perhaps I have done something which has offended or hurt you, or that perhaps you do not love me any more. I sometimes also believe that you do not have enough trust in me, or do not feel close enough to me to share with me what you are feeling. Then I begin to doubt my self worth as a spouse.

“When I see you like this and make those interpretations, then I sometimes approach you trying to find out what is happening. Sometimes you respond and sometimes you do not. That bothers me even more. I feel hurt and believe that you do not care about me and our relationship.

“I now realize that it doesn?t help to pressure you to communicate with me. I am going to try to leave that to you. I just want you to know that I love you and I want and need to know more about what you are feeling and thinking, but that I am going to leave that up to you. And if, in fact, I have done or do something, which has offended or hurt you, I very much want to hear about it. Do not protect me by not telling me, if something I do bothers you.

“I will try to leave you all the space you need to feel from within if you want to communicate with me more deeply. Do not interpret this as a lack of interest or love. I am simply giving you the space you seem to need.

“I will be happy to hear how you feel about what I have expressed whenever you feel ready.”

N6 I-message TO AN INTERROGATOR, CRITIC

“Dear, I would like to discuss with you a problem which I have with our communication. I feel myself continuously to be in the position of answering your questions and doubts about what I am doing. I feel that you are frequently correcting and accusing me. This puts me on the defensive and sometimes I get into the role of the victim and at others I become an intimidator, or do the same to you and become your interrogator.

“This way of communicating saddens me. I believe that we can communicate much more honestly and harmoniously. For this reason, I am going to try to accept myself even when you have doubts and criticize. I am going to stop answering your questions and apologizing to your accusations. I am going to try to be happy even when you are not satisfied with me and when you criticize or accuse me.

“Please do not misunderstand this. I love you and want you to be happy and want us to be happy together, but we cannot be happy this way, with your playing the lawyer and my playing the guilty one. I cannot lose my self-respect any more in this game.

“I want you to know that I love you even when I do not try to get you to agree with what I do.

“I am very interested in knowing how do you feel about this?”

N7 I-message TO AN INTIMIDATOR

“I need to discuss something with you. You know, there are times when I am afraid of you. When you raise your voice and threaten me, you stimulate old fears from my childhood years. When that happens I retreat from confrontation with you, suppressing my needs and sometimes my values. When this happens I lose my self-respect, and feel injustice and anger towards you. My heart closes and my love for you diminishes. There are even times when I think of revenge.

“With the way you act, you may get what you want from me at that moment, but you lose my love and respect. I have decided to try to overcome my fears and be more honest with you. I am going to try to express my needs and values even when you shout or intimidate me. I would like to ask for your help with this effort.

“I am very interested in helping you fulfill your needs. I believe that we can both get what we want together. I would like to ask you to express your needs without threatening me. Simply tell me what you need from me. I, in response, will also express my needs to you. I believe we can find solutions without my fearing you and retreating when you threaten me.

“How do you feel about this idea?”

N8 I-message TO A VICTIM

” Dear, I want you to know that I love and care for you and want very much for you to be happy and healthy and satisfied in your life. I want that very much but I am beginning to realize that I cannot create that for you. I realize now that I have been feeling responsible for your reality and some times guilty because you are not as happy and satisfied as we would both like you to be.

“I now realize that I do not help you be feeling responsible or guilty. These feelings just make me angry with you because you do not do what you could be doing to create a happier life for your self, or do not see how wonderful your life really is, when you focus on what you do not have, rather than all the wonderful things you do have.

“Thus I am no longer going to try to create your happiness or get your approval through your expression of satisfaction. I am going to love you and offer you whatever I can, without doing more than I believe I should or getting angry with you because you are not satisfied.

“Is there something you would like to share with me concerning this?”

N9 AN EXAMPLE «I MESSAGE» to a spouse who doesn?t listen or speaks aggressively

«Dear, I need to speak to you. I have a problem that I hope that you will be able to help me with. I have realized that I have a poor self-image and very easily doubt my self worth and whether I am loved or not by the people around me. This happens especially when they ignore me or when they speak to me aggressively or abruptly. It seems that I have this sensitivity from my childhood years. This happens sometimes between us. When you speak to me sometimes in an aggressive manner when you are upset about something, I feel hurt, rejected, unworthy and even fearful. This then develops into feelings of anger, and sometimes I even end up wanting to hurt you in some way. I do not want to feel this way. I love you and want to have a harmonious relationship with you. You are important to me and this relationship is important to me.

” I realize that this is my problem, but I do not feel that I can solve it by myself at this time. I need more affirmation of your love, respect and interest in me. I would like to express to you how you can show me your interest so that I can feel more fulfilled in this relationship. I would also like to discuss alternative ways in which we can communicate concerning differences of opinion, or needs, or values. I need to be able to tell you what I think, or feel even, if that does not coincide with what you feel or think, without ending up in conflict. If I suppress my thoughts and feelings, I loose my self-respect and feel rejected by you. On the other hand, I am afraid of expressing my differing views because I am afraid of having conflict with you.

“I would like your cooperation in finding a way in which we can communicate our differences in a way in which neither of us feels hurt, rejected or angry. Because my opinions may differ from yours, it does not mean that I do not love and accept you. I would very much like to know how you feel about our relationship and especially how you feel when we have these conflicts. You could help me a lot by helping me to understand what exactly it is that I do which upsets you. I would also like to know what needs or expectations you have from me, which I am perhaps not fulfilling. Do you feel like discussing this now, or would you like some time to think about what I have said, and discuss it in a few days?»

N10 TO A CHILD WANTS TO GO TO THE MOVIES

A child keeps pleading to be taken to a movie, but he has not cleaned up his room for several days, a job which he agreed to do.

What might be an average type of communication? An average parent may call the child lazy, irresponsible and inconsiderate. These are serious accusations which will undermine the child?s self-image.

The parent would do better to communicate with an I- message. But in order to do that, he will have to carry out some self-analysis to see what his deeper feelings are. What might a parent feel in this situation? He may feel disappointment, disrespect, hurt, taken advantage of, failure to control his child, anger, the need for revenge or other emotions, depending on his programming.

Thus, an I-message in this case might be something like this:

«My child, sit down. I would like to express to you how I feel at this moment. There is conflict within me: on the one hand, I love you and want you to be happy. I want you to be able to enjoy that which makes you happy. I would like to take you to the movies, so that you might enjoy yourself. On the other hand, I feel cheated and that an injustice has been done, because we have made an agreement that you would clean your room, and you have not kept it. That makes me feel that you are not respecting our agreement and my need for your room to be clean. I also have another need, which is to feel that I am bringing you up in the proper way. When I see that you are not taking your word and your responsibilities seriously, I have doubts as to whether I am doing a good job and whether you will be able to function well in society, if you are not keeping your word. So I cannot bring myself to take you to the movies until you keep your word and clean up your room».

The parent may then lead into active listening with something like, «How do you feel what I have just said to you? Does it seem fair? Do you feel hurt? Would you like to talk about it?»

Also, the parent may take this opportunity to discuss with the child the factors which have prevented him from cleaning up his room. «From the fact that you have not cleaned up your room, I get the idea that you do not like to do that job. Is there some special reason for that? Do you feel that it is unfair that I ask you to do that? What do you think would be a fair way to handle this situation? Have you some suggestions as to how we can overcome this source of tension between us?»

I can hear some parents who are reading this saying to themselves, «My child will never understand these explanations». My personal experience is that any child over two years old can understand the intent behind this communication and will feel the parent?s respect, love and concern through it, and will feel the same for the parent.

N11 THE BLARING STEREO

A child is playing his records so loud that the parents in the next room cannot communicate with one another.

An angry parent may likely say, «Can?t you be more considerate of others? Are you deaf? Why do you play that so loud?»

Would we talk that way to our next door neighbor if he were playing the music that loud? Would we talk that way to our colleague, our boss, our friends? Do we have the right to speak demeaningly to our children just because we think they belong to us? Imagine how you would politely communicate with a neighbor who was playing music loudly (especially if he is bigger than you).

Remember that the key to effective communication is that we neither suppress ourselves nor the others. We respect both our needs and those of the others. So, we are not going to put up with the music, but neither are we going to hurt the other?s feelings.

An example in this case might be as follows:

«Maria, could you please turn down the music for a moment? I would like to tell you something which is very important to me. I have conflicting needs. My need for you is to be happy and not to feel suppressed. I also do not want to be in a state of conflict with you because when I am, I do not feel at all well; and neither do you. On the other hand, I cannot tolerate the high volume which you were just playing the music at. Your father and I are trying to talk in the next room and we cannot hear each other because of the music. I also have the need not to bother the neighbors, just as I would not like them to bother us. I would like to keep up good relationships with them. I ?m afraid that the loud music may be bothering them. For that reason I ask you to please cooperate on this matter and play the music at a lower volume or perhaps you could wear headphones and enjoy the music at the volume you prefer, while we have peace».

Then the parent might want to lead into active listening as to how the child feels about that message. «How do you feel about what I ?m asking you to do? Do you feel pressured or unhappy? I hope we can find a way for both of us to be happy. Tell me your feelings».

This method of communication is much more likely to encourage willful cooperation from the child, while respect between parent and child is mutually maintained.

Although most parents feel great love for their children, they are unable to communicate that love, because of a lack in communication skills. We mean well; but our own problems and fears get in our way and disrupt our communication with our children.

Let us look at a few more examples of communication with children.

N12 TO A CHILD AFTER A NOTE FROM THE TEACHER

A twelve-year-old is sent home by a teacher with a note stating that he was speaking loudly, using «filthy» language. What might be the parents? reaction?

One might be, «Come here and explain to me why you want to embarrass your parents with your dirty mouth». Another would be to simply punish the child with no discussion. Another might be to degrade the child?s image of himself by criticising him for his various mistakes and faults in general.

All of these express to some extent the feelings which the parents may have. But they are not effective communication, because they do not express all the parents? feelings and serve only to make the child feel badly, without offering any opportunity for understanding what the child?s problem is in reality.

Obviously, the child has some need to speak in that way. He may have some problem or a need for attention or recognition. When the parent focuses only on his own embarrassment and fear, and ignores what might be going on in the child at this time, he loses contact with the child and a communication breakdown begins to take place between them. The child knows he has made a mistake, but he is unable to deal with the forces which cause him to act in this way. His way of speaking at school was either an outlet for some inner tension, or resentment, or an attempt for attention or recognition. The parent would do better to discuss his feelings about the situation with the child and try to help the child to open up so that he may discover what is going on in the child?s mind.

A possible communication might be something like this:

«John, I have a strong need to talk about this note with you. I am very concerned both for you and me. I am shocked and surprised, and I must admit a bit embarrassed in the eyes of others. But these are my problems. What concerns me most is that I also feel that maybe I have made some mistake in my attitude towards you. I feel somehow responsible for your behavior since I am your parent, and I wonder if I am doing a good job or not in bringing you up the way I do. I would like to try to understand.Please explain to me the events which happened at school and what was that made you feel the need to speak loudly and in that way. I would also like to know if there is something that I do which has contributed towards your feeling that you must express yourself in that way. I would also like you to tell me if there is anything that I can do to help you to feel more comfortable and happier».

The child may or may not open up. He may or may not be able to understand consciously what his problem is. In most cases, with the help of active listening the child will come to an understanding of what is going on within him.

N13 TO A CHILD ABOUT A THE MESSY HOUSE

A mother arrives home tired and upset after a variety of activities out of the house. Upon entering the house she finds everything to be in a mess. She had asked the children to keep the house clean because there would be visitors coming home that evening. What kind of message might she give?

Of course she will feel disappointed, let down, ignored, rejected, the victim, and, most likely, upset and angry. She might blame the children for being so inconsiderate, irresponsible, for not loving her, for not respecting her. This type of blaming will simply reinforce in the children?s minds the idea that they are as she has described them – not okay, not responsible and not to be trusted. They will then continue to be just that way.

A possible communication might be something like this:

«Children, come and sit down. I want to explain to you some things which are very important to me. I feel very disillusioned this moment. On the one hand, I feel let down. I was counting on your remembering my request that you be careful and keep the house clean and tidy. I am tired and I am worried about receiving these guests this evening. It is important for me that the house be clean when they arrive but I am too tired to do it at this moment. I also doubt whether I am bringing you up the right way when I see, at times like this, that you do not consider my requests for help and cooperation. I understand that when you play it is easy to forget such requests, but I ask you to try harder in the future, because I need your help. Now, I would be interested in your suggesting some way by which we can avoid this happening in the future».

After a discussion takes place as to how such situations could be avoided in the future, the mother can ask the children to now please help her by putting the place in order and cleaning up so that she can relax and get ready for the guests who are coming.

The key to effective communication is to look into ourselves and think about what we are really feeling and express that clearly and openly to the other, without hiding anything and without blaming or hurting the feelings of the others. After expressing how we feel, we always give the other person a chance to express his or her feelings on the subject.

N14 TO THE CHILD WHO ARRIVES HOME LATE

Although their daughter agreed to be home by 12 midnight, she arrives at 1.30 in the morning. The parents are extremely worried that something may have happened to her and are quite relieved when she finally gets home. What kind of message might they give to the child? They might express their anger at her disobedience and reject her for being inconsiderate and irresponsible. They might threaten her and punish her with the hope that she will obey out of fear in the future. Such methods of communication, however, may simply hurt the daughter?s feelings and create a sense of separation from the parents, along with a feeling of injustice and of being misunderstood by her parents.

Obviously in this case both parents and daughter have the right to feel what they feel. The question is not who is right but how they can communicate harmoniously and each fulfil their needs without harming the other.

A possible communication might be something like this:

«Maria, please sit down. We have a great need to discuss with you how we feel about you coming home at 1.30 in the morning, when we had agreed that you be here by midnight. We have been extremely worried during the last hour and a half. All kinds of possible dangers have passed through our minds as we were waiting for you. We love you very much and would not like any harm to come to you. We still feel responsible for your health and well-being, and would find it difficult to forgive ourselves if anything happened to you. We would feel that we had been irresponsible in our roles as parents. It is extremely important for us that we come up with a formula with regard to your evenings out, which would be agreeable to both you and us. We want you to be happy in your life but also have a need to feel that we are performing our role as parents correctly and that we are protecting you as well as we can. We also need to feel that we are bringing you up in the right way. When you do not respect your word, we worry about whether we have failed, as parents, to teach you to honour your word. We are interested in hearing from you what happened and why it is that you did not come back by midnight; also, how you believe we should act in this situation. We would like to hear your suggestions as to how we can find a formula for future times when you go out. It is very important for us that we know when you will be arriving and can be sure that you will be here at that time»»

The discussion can then go back and forth as the parents alternate between I-statements concerning our feelings and needs and active listening, in which they listen to the needs of the daughter, until they find some suitable solution.

N15 TO CHILDREN WHO ARE FIGHTING OVER A GAME

The following example could be one in which children are fighting over any subject or situation. When a parent sees his children fighting over a toy, a game, TV program, or any other object, he feels great inner conflict. He feels that both of his children are a part of himself, so when they are fighting, it is as if two parts of his own being are fighting. He may feel that he is failing as a parent to create harmony in his home. He may feel guilt for that. He may feel angry towards one of the children who is acting more egotistically. He may play the role of the judge and persecutor. He may punish one or both children, without discussion concerning his deeper feelings or his conflict in general.

A possible example of communication might be:

«Children, please come and sit down. I want to express to you how I am feeling at this moment, as I am watching you fight. Each of you is equally a part of me. I feel so connected with you that whatever happens to you is like it is happening to me. When you fight with one another, I feel great inner conflict. I feel confused. I do not know what to do. I do not want to take sides. I want you both to be happy. I do not know what is the way to make you stop. Maybe you could help me so we may together discover what I could do to help you, so that I do not get into conflict about this. This will be useful for all of us. There will certainly be times in your life, in which you will come into conflict with others around you; this will help us all to see how we can handle such conflicts in a different way. I would like each of you to think about what it is that you wanted and could not get from the other, which caused you to get angry and to fight in that way. Each will take turns to express what his problem was and we will keep going around until all of us have said whatever we need to say. I ask that only one rule be kept: when someone is talking, that we do not interrupt him but let him conclude that which he is trying to say. If we disagree with him, we can have a chance later to express it. Now, let us begin».

N16 MORE ABOUT COMMUNICATION WITH CHILDREN

«I – MESSAGES»

As with the «I-message» we learned in previous chapters, we explain to the child what we are really feeling and the thoughts, beliefs, expectations, fears and attachments which create those feelings within us. We communicate:

1. The various emotions which we are having.

2. The beliefs and programmings which are creating these emotions.

3. What stimulus or behavior on the part of the child triggers this mechanism.

4. How we usually act towards the child when we feel that way.

5. And wherever it is appropriate, we may ask the child to cooperate with us by avoiding that behavior in the future.

6. Then we ask the child to explain how he feels and we exercise active listening.

Let us take an example. A child brings home low grades. This is the stimulus, the event which is perceived by the parents? senses. Let us examine some of the emotions which the parents might feel with this event. Parents will feel differently depending on their programmings and expectations. One may feel disappointment, insecurity, shame, doubt about oneself as parent, anger towards the child, anger towards the teachers, inferiority towards other parents whose children are doing better, concern for the child or even guilt. Some parents may be strongly affected. Others may approach the problem more rationally and effectively without panic and family crisis.

Now what are some of the programmings or beliefs which a parent may have which may create some of these emotions. It is important to examine these, because, we may be being controlled by false programmings which may cause us to express anger or rejection towards the child, which, in this case, is probably the last thing he needs. The child too is obviously having a problem. This is a time when he needs to feel support and help in understanding what is preventing him from using his abilities to the extent that he could. Rejection or harsh words will only make him react more negatively or hide, closed into himself.

So, why is the parent feeling what he feels? What are some of the programmings or beliefs which control his mind?

1. A child must have high grades in order to succeed in the world.

A parent who is programmed in this way will feel fear about the child?s future and failure in his role as parent to prepare his child for the world.

Thus his «I-message» would be something like this, «John, I would like to talk with you. I have a problem. I feel responsible for your future. I believe that it is my responsibility to do whatever I can to help you be successful and happy in your life. I also believe that high grades are essential for your survival and success and happiness in the future. Perhaps I am not giving you something which you need. I would really like to talk about this in detail. How do you feel? Is there anything which is bothering you or preventing you from concentrating?

With this kind of «I-message» which leads into active listening in which we help the child to open up to us, the child is less likely to feel accused or hurt. Thus he will not need to react negatively or close up into himself. There will be a greater possibility of open, honest, effective communication.

At the same time, the parent would do well to examine those programmings which he has. It is true that success and happiness depend on high grades at school? Take a look around you. Does this theory hold up? Are the highly educated and very rich really happy? Perhaps some are. Did those who are successful, dynamic, happy, productive members of society have high grades or are there other factors involved? Perhaps higher grades can be had by one who knows how to memorize and be a robot at school. Does that mean that he can think, analyze and communicate with people? Does that mean that he is ethical or able to function in our society? Perhaps too much importance is being given to one of the many factors which may help our children survive and succeed in life. There are many others which may be much important in our child?s life such as morality, character, love for others, self-respect, self-confidence, enthusiasm, creativity, concern for others, and various other talents which the child may have.

When we worry and pressure the child on the basis of this one factor, we risk destroying all the others in the conflict which takes place. In general, the most creative and analytical minds cannot thrive in the mechanized uncreative school system.

2. A second belief a parent may have is that he is successful if his child is successful and unsuccessful if his child fails.

In this case the parent may explain this programming to the child. But does he have the right to ask the child to conform to some sort of behavior which simply fulfils the subjective programmings and expectations of the parent? Why should a child be forced to fulfil some specific expectation of the parents so that the parents can feel successful? That child may have been born to take a completely different road, to have other experiences which have nothing to do with the expectations of the parents or their definition of success.

The parent may have defined success with conditions like plenty of money, high professional position, or high social status. But will that particular personality who is now their child be happy in that role? Does money really bring happiness? Do people in high positions seem happier than others? Are they enjoying life? Are they healthy? Do they have harmony with those around them? What do we want for our children, success in the eyes of society or health, happiness and harmony? In some cases they may be able to have all that. In other cases, they may conflict. We cannot know. There is a small voice in the child which does know.

It is better for the child to decide what he wants to do with his life. That inner voice will guide him sooner or later to the role which that soul came to play on earth.

The parent, with this belief, that he is successful if his child is successful, must also examine the difference between efforts and results. The parent is responsible for his efforts. Not for the results. Parents with many children can verify that although they treat the different children much in the same way, the children react completely differently. It seems that each child brings with him some already developed traits, which are independent of the childhood programming which we give them.

How we behave towards the child and how we live our lives are extremely important factors in the child?s character development. But they are not the only factors. So we cannot judge ourselves based on the results of what happens with the child. We can judge ourselves based on our motives and our efforts. Have our motives been pure? Have we always done what we have thought was best for the child (regardless of whether todaywe see that we have made mistakes), have we always tried to do the best of our ability with the energy and consciousness which we had in the past? Realising this will help us be at ease with our conscience, and do not need to force our children to succeed in our terms,so that we can feel that we are successful parents. This is a great weight for the child to carry. We would not like to carry this weight and we have no right to place it on our children.

3. Another belief, which the parent may have which may cause him to get upset with the news of the low grades is, «I must have the acceptance, recognition and respect of others in order to feel self-acceptance and self-love». If a parent has need for recognition from friends and society through his child?s performance at school, then he will feel shame, inferiority, failure and then anger at the child for putting him in that position.

If the parents express only the anger to the child and accuse him of being a failure and useless, then they are on the one hand destroying even further the child?s self-confidence and ability to succeed, and on the other hand not being truthful. He is not expressing his real feelings which came before the anger.

Something which all parents, teachers and people in general must understand is that anger is always a second or third emotion. We feel anger when we first feel fear or insecurity. Most animals attack only when they are cornered and feel fear for their lives, or the lives of their children. The same is true of humans. When someone is angry you can be sure that somewhere behind that anger there is fear about something. It may be difficult to find but it is without doubt, there.

Take the present example. There may be the fear of rejection or ridicule by friends and relatives whose children may be doing better than ours. There might be the fear of failing in the role of the parent. There may be fear about the future of the child. There may be fear of losing control over the child. There may be fear of the rejection of the parents? belief system and expectations.

In this case the fear of what others will say causes the parent to become angry with the child. Thus the «you – message» to the child that he is no good, is not the complete truth. The parent must analyze his own needs for affirmation and see his need for approval from others, his doubt about his abilities as a parent and various other emotions which he may have had before he felt anger.

The problem is that these emotions work so quickly and usually subconsciously that the parent, who has not worked on self-analysis, will find it difficult to become conscious of the emotions which hide behind, and create his anger. In such cases keeping a diary is essential. The parent or teacher could take ten to twenty minutes every evening before sleeping and write down the major emotional experiences of the day. Then he can analyze the programmings or beliefs which are causing these emotions. In this way he will gradually gain clarity. (Details about self-analysis are given in Volume one: Discovering Our Selves)

We can see that a great part of effective communication is analysing our selves. Without this we cannot communicate honestly.

In the case of the parent who is controlled by the belief that he is successful if his child is, or that he must have the recognition of the people around him, most of the work depends on the parent?s changing these false programmings. He has no right to pressure the child for these selfish reasons. On the other hand, until he is able to free himself from these programmings, he can explain them to his child in an «I-message».

N17 ACTIVE LISTENING

Now the child himself obviously has a problem which is not allowing him to use his mental abilities to their full potential. His problem could have to do with conflicts within the family, conflicts with other children or with teachers at school, disappointments in love, lack of self-confidence, lack of proper nutrition, a disillusionment with society and the school system, as well as many other possibilities.

In such a case, the most effective method of communication is active listening. Let us look at some brief guidelines for active listening.

1) Let the other talk without interruption. Do not break his or her flow with your need to project your own ideas. When we interrupt others, we cut off their flow. This flow may bring to the surface the cause of the problem, which they themselves have not yet discovered.

2) Look into the other?s eyes and not away. Let your body be facing the person and not sideways. Show interest in what the other is saying, and in this way let him know that you are listening actively and carefully, and care about what he is saying.

3) Do not, in any case, criticize or start giving advice. This technique is like the «questioning» which Socrates used in order to bring out of the other the truth which was lying within him. It is extremely important not to criticise or disagree or reject during the active listening. At the end of the discussion we may state how we feel. After the discussion is completed, if we do not agree, we, of course, have the right to state so. But during the active listening do not stop the other?s flow with criticism or rejection.

4) Ask questions which help you to understand more clearly what the other is feeling. These question will help both you and the other (in this case, the child) to understand what the problem is. You can imagine that you are the other. Imagine how he feels, and what is going on in his life and you will be guided to the right questions to ask. Asking questions rather than giving advice may be difficult for some parents in the beginning. It is not easy, but most parents who have tried it have found it very effective and have been surprised by the results.

In some cases where the parent is performing this technique mechanically, the child may be surprised and react negatively, especially if he has learned to receive continual criticism from the parent, in which case the child will be on guard. But if the parent persists to show interest, and stops criticizing, at some point the child will open up. One must also be sensitive about the correct time and place to approach the child. Also a child must never be pushed against his will into discussing something which he does not want to. Eventually his need to come close to us will help him to open to us, if we accept the child as he is.

5) We may also affirm whether or not what we have understood from the child?s communication is correct. This technique is used by a whole school of psychologists to help a person open up and get clarity about what he is feeling. We simply repeat back to the child what he is telling us in our own words. This helps us to verify that we have understood what he is saying, and helps him to feel that we are accepting what he is saying. If he feels that we have not understood, he will try to explain to us in a different way. This will help both the parent and the child become more clear about what is bothering the child, or about what he thinks or feels.

These techniques for effective communication can do much to bring harmony and love to our relationships with our children. It is important that parents get started with this system immediately. No child is too young to understand this type of communication.

Because these techniques require a whole new way of thinking and communicating, we suggest that parents and teachers or any individuals who want to master them, seek out seminars which teach these methods with practical workshops.

Remember that the basis for all successful communication is love. Below you will find various examples of effective communication for various situations with children.

After each child has had a chance to express his feelings and opinions, and the opportunity to speak has gone around the circle a number of times and everything has been said, then the parent can ask for possible solutions as to how they can structure their lives and routine of living so as to avoid similar conflicts in the future. All of these solutions can be written down and then discussed. Eventually a combination of the various ideas can be adopted for a trial run to see how it works.

This group method of «brainstorming» for solutions to group problems had the advantage that each person feels that his ideas and needs have been respected in the creation of the solution. Even if his needs are not 100% met, he feels that at least he has been heard and considered and respected and allowed to participate. Thus his cooperation will be much greater and from the heart. Eventually the parent can close by asking the children how they would like the parent to act in such situations, if the children, in spite of their efforts, come into conflict again for some reason or other.

The basic obstacle towards such a way of handling conflicts between children is, on the one hand, the lack of time on the part of the parent and, on the other, the lack of ease the parent feels in handling such conflicts. We must learn that conflicts are natural in a world in which we all have different needs and different ways of seeing things. We tend to avoid talking openly about conflicts, which just makes them recur more and more often, because they are never brought out into the open and be solved. Many times conflicts occur about superficial or unimportant matters, when the real problem is about something else which has never been discussed. Handling conflicts in this open and honest way gives us a chance to deal with the real personality problems which are behind these superficial conflicts.

Communication is a lost art, one which must be regained through practice and by breaking free from the ineffective patterns which we have learned from our parents and from society.

Effective communication is a process of being constantly aware of what we are really feeling, and expressing it openly and honestly without blaming the others for what we feel. The other aspect of communication is to understand what the other person is feeling and thinking. Without mutual love, respect, understanding and atmosphere of equality, there can be no effective communication.

I again encourage parents, wishing to become more efficient in their communication skills, to take seminars on communication, in which they can practice those techniques under guidance. It is never too late to make the change. A parent might be 70 and the child 50 and they may still be caught up in the same old ego games they were 40 years ago. They would do well to free themselves of these obstacles to love and unity, and thus happiness.

N18 PUTTING OUR SELVES IN THE OTHER’S POSITION

Why this is so beneficial

When we are in conflict with others, or are feeling hurt or angry, we can often gain insight and peace of mind by putting ourselves in the their position. When we can imagine how the others must be feeling in order to act in the ways they do, we gain understanding, which simultaneously reduces our feelings of hurt and our anger and rejection towards them.
Both our pain and anger are diminished through understanding.

Our understanding allows us to help others move through their negativity.

The virtue of understanding is a basic prerequisite for love and conscious love relationships.

A simple technique for gaining understanding is to:

We bring the other to mind and ask:

1. What must he or she be feeling in order to act in this way?

2. What must she or he not be getting from me which is causing this behavior?

3. What does he or she need from life which is causing this behavior?

4. What is she or he trying to protect with this behavior? (Perhaps security, self worth, freedom, certain pleasures?)

5.What would I have to feel in order to act this way?

6. If I were the other, how would I like to be healed in this situation?

N19 Examples of I-messages for Students

QUESTIONS FOR THE I MESSAGE

An effective I message requires that we first understand what we feel, need and think.

Imagine what your feelings, needs and thoughts might be in following situations. Then seek to form them into an I message.

The questions which you need to answer in each case are:

1. How do I feel about what is happening?

2. Which of my needs are not being fulfilled here?

3. What do I believe which makes those needs important to me?

4. Am I experiencing a inner need conflict here? If yes, what which are my needs which are conflicting?

5. What would I like to ask of the others? What cooperation, behavior, understanding do I need from them, and why?

Then we are ready to move on to active listening.

QUESTIONS FOR ACTIVE LISTENING

In order to think of the questions we would like to ask in order to help the child free him or her self from a disruptive or self destructive behavior, we first need to focus on the fact that this behavior is a natural response (a defensive or survival mechanism) to his environment – school, home and peer group.

We need to remember that his or her basic nature is goodness and a desire for learning and that these are distorted when he or she becomes emotionally blocked by various traumatic events or situations, which cause him or her to react in these negative ways.

Our goal is to try to discover those deeper internal factors which are causing this behavior and seek to help the child overcome them and reestablish his sense of self confidence and self esteem.

We will need a maxim of understanding, caring and a desire to help. We will need to be free from the tendency to take his or her behavior personally or take offense or be hurt.

It is equally important that the child feels that we will accept him or her no matter what he or she tells us and also that we will respect total confidentiality – in other words, that it is safe to open up to us.

Think of what types of questions you might want to ask concerning the following behaviors, after of course you have made your I – message.

What would you like to ask in order to understand:

1. What the child is feeling just before or during that behavior?

2. What the child is feeling in general in his life at this moment, and what is contributing to those feelings (Family situations, peer pressure, siblings, problems with other teachers, problems with us, personal doubts and fears etc.)?

3. What we can do to be of help?

4. What we might be doing which might be bothering him or her?

5. How he or she would like us to react if and when he or she falls into such behavior again?

6. If the behavior is inappropriate or unacceptable, what he or she considers a natural or logical consequence which would function as a corrective measure to help the child rid him or her self of that behavior pattern?

SITUATIONS & BEHAVIORS

1. Two or more children are talking while you are giving the lesson.

2. A child is making fun of another child.

3. A child is continually late for class.

4. A child is not performing as well as you know that he or she can.

5. A child speaks to you in a disrespectful manner.

6. A child is hitting another child.

7. The children are unruly in class.

COMMON FEELINGS

1. Fear that we are losing control of the classroom or the children and will not be able to perform our duty or will loose the general respect of the students or perhaps the faculty or headmaster.

2. Anger when we are not receiving the respect we feel we deserve.

3. Frustration when the children are not cooperating, not doing their work, not keeping our agreements.

4. Anxiety about our success as teachers and or our ability to achieve our goals.

POSSIBLE INNER CONFLICTS

1. The need to not burden the child with more feelings of rejection vs. the need to keep order in the class so that I can perform the duty for which I am being paid and in which I believe.

2. The need to aid the child in developing a suitable social behavior which will benefit him or her later in life, vs. the need not to hurt or suppress him or her.

3. The need to respond the children?s needs at a particular moment (restlessness, tiredness, boredom) vs. the need to cover the material which the children will need in order to proceed successful in school and life.

4. The need to enforce the school?s policies vs. the need to be true to myself when my own opinions might differ.

5. My need to give time and energy to a child who needs it vs. my need for personal time rest and recreation, preparation etc.

6. My need to treat the child with respect vs. my lack of energy and patience.

 

Questionnaire – Resolving Inner Conflicts

March 5, 2012

QUESTIONS CONCERNING YOUR PRESENT
GOAL OF RESOLVING INNER CONFLICTS
You may want to read or download the text: RECONCILING OUR INNER CONFLICTS from the Life Clarification Capsules, so as to be able to answer these questions more effectively.

1. MY CONFLICTS

I would like to understand and deal with my inner conflict(s) concerning: Select the any of the conflicts below which have concerned you over the years. You can select as many as you like.

1. One part of me feels I need to spend more time on my professional life while another part believes that I should be spending more time with my family.
2. On the one hand, a part of myself wants to open up to a conscious love relationship, while another part fears being abandoned or hurt, suppressed, manipulated, or not being able to say no.
3. My need to follow my inner voice, in some cases, conflicts with my need to be like the others and be accepted by them.
4. My need to express my true feelings sometimes conflicts with my need not to hurt anyone.
5. My need to express my real feelings and thoughts occasionally clashes with my need to have others’ acceptance.
6. One part of myself wants to give those around me (children, spouse, friends) total freedom to pursue their happiness in their own ways, and another part fears losing control.
7. A part of me wants to please others, but their needs come into direct conflict with my own needs.
8. I want to forgive but also need to hold on to negative feelings towards someone.
9. I want to employ various disciplines but another part of me wants to feel free to do what I want when I want to.
10. I want others to support me, but on the other, I feel that they restrict me with their support or advice.
11. One part of me wants spiritual growth, while another feels the need for material security.
12. I want to help a loved one or friend, but on the other, I feel that perhaps I am doing them harm by bailing them out continuously and not letting them solve their own problems.
13. I feel a need to protect the planet through a simple life with very little consumption of energy and products, while another part of me wants to enjoy all the comforts of an energy consuming, pollution producing life style.
14. I want to take a job, or leave a job that I have, while another part of me wants the opposite for different reasons.
15. One part of me believes in cooperating with others, while another finds it difficult.
16. I desire various objects or situations as a source of pleasure. Another part of me, however, feels that this is:

a. a sin,
b. or that I am not spiritual if I partake in such pleasures.
c. a waste of time and energy considering my spiritual goals.
Thus these two aspects of my own being conflict.

17. One part of myself feels the need to have an exclusive relationship, in which my happiness and security depend on a member of the opposite sex. Another part of myself finds this an obstacle towards my need for independence, self dependence, and freedom.
18. I need to control persons and situations in order to feel secure and yet would like to let things flow and allow others to act freely.
19. My need to never show weakness comes into conflict with my need to share my weaknesses, needs and fears with someone.
20. One part me does not want not to ask anything from anyone while another needs their help and support.
21. A part of me needs a stable routine for my balance, health and growth while another enjoys variety and change.
22. A part of me wants to play my familiar emotional relationship games while another part wants to get free from them.
23. One part of me wants to face and overcome my fears and blockages while another prefers to avoid them and hide from them.

OTHERS, LIST HERE

2. CHOOSING A CONFLICT

Which conflict would you like to work with first.
(Suggestion: Choose one which is bothering you most at this time of your life. I would like to start out with the conflict concerning:

3. NAMING THE PARTS

Now you will have to decide on a name for each part of yourself which is in conflict. The names should represent each separate aspect and also be like a nickname which would allow you to express love and acceptance to both parts of your self. (ex. Mr. Discipline and Mr. Rebel. or the Lover and the Loner, or The Parent and the Professional.)

What will you call these two aspects of your being?
A.
B.

4. THE ANALYSIS

Now, separately, for each conflicting part of yourself, answer the following questions.

PART A

A1. It has the following needs: (click for a list of possible needs to choose from)

A2. When its needs are not fulfilled, it has the following emotions: (click for a list of possible emotions to choose from):

A3. It has the following beliefs which cause it to have those needs and emotions. (Click for a list of possible beliefs to choose from). If you cannot determine the beliefs, send this in without answering this question and we will help you in the process.

PART B:

B1. It has the following needs: (click for a list of possible needs to choose from)

B2. When its needs are not fulfilled, it has the following emotion: (click for a list of possible emotions to choose from):

B3. It has the following beliefs which cause it to have those needs and emotions. (Click for a list of possible beliefs to choose from). If you cannot determine the beliefs, send this in without answering this question and we will help you in the process.

5. I personally feel towards the part of me labeled “A” the following feelings:

6. I personally feel towards the part of me labeled “B” the following feelings:

LIST OF POSSIBLE SITUATIONS AND LESSONS

LIST OF POSSIBLE SITUATIONS AND LESSONS – SOME GUIDELINES FOR USING THIS LIST OF SITUATIONS AND LESSONS

This list is designed to help persons searching for the lessons which they may be being asked to learn through various life situations. It is a supplement to the three other lists (of beliefs, of roles and behavior, and of childhood experiences) and is designed to aid in our overall inner search so as to discover the root beliefs of our problems and how to go about changing them.
In this list we are dealing with the most external aspect of this search, the situations which are offered to us from life so that we may discover our inner obstacles and overcome them. In using this list let us keep some points in mind.

a. The lesson which we need to learn is just the external manifestation of deeper beliefs. We will need to find the belief behind the lesson, the belief which we will need to change in order to learn the lesson.

b. A situation listed here may be only remotely similar to something which we may be experiencing. We can make any modifications in the situation and lessons which suit us.

c. Many lessons may not seem to fit at first, but then after time, we realise that we actually need to learn something similar to what is being said. Thus it would be useful for each who has discovered a situation which is similar to his or hers to write down the list of possible lessons and look at them from time to time.

d. One might want to ask family members and friends to look at the list and suggest their possible opinions.

e. The lists are by no means complete. Feel free to add both lessons and keys to freedom to each list. Additions would gladly received by email for inclusion in future texts. Feel free also to send us new situations which you do not find here.

f. It is not sufficient to discover the lesson, we need to go one step further and m make plan as to how we plan to get free and overcome our blockage, fear or problem.

g. Once we find the lesson we want to learn and the belief we want to change, then it will be useful to examine our childhood years to see if we can find any experiences or messages which we received which lead us to believing this belief which we want to change. We can then follow the various procedures for freeing ourselves from childhood experiences

h. Often lessons are repeated but expressed in a slightly different way. This is done because one may not be able to see the lesson with one type of wording but be able to see it with another. Each may choose the wording which suits him or make up his own wording.

i. Remember to use the catalogue of the roles and behavior in relationship to this list as many roles are also ‘situations’.

SITUATIONS AND LESSONS

1. He says “NO”, but goes ahead despite the fact he doesn’t want to.

He grumbles, feels mistreated, bursts out in anger every so often, because of the resentment he allows to collect inside him.

Lessons:
a) To realize that he is free to do what he wants.
b) To become liberated from the thought patterns (thought forms) which make him incapable of saying “no” to what others are asking him to do.
c) To do whatever he does with love and not because of fear or sense of duty.
d) To allow others have the responsibility for their reality.

2. He says “YES” , but does not do what he is asked to do.

Afterwards he feels guilty, becomes defensive, and maybe also aggressive.

Lessons:
a) All the lessons of No.1.
b) To become free from fear of
1) Being controlled by others
2) Making mistakes and failing.

NOTE: We can observe how people who are found in supposedly opposite roles, i.e. Very Responsible and Irresponsible, have many similar convictions and lessons. They simply react differently.

Keys to Freedom
a. I am free to do what I want and believe in.
b. My self worth independent of other’s opinion of me.

3. He Suppresses himself
in order to be “O.K.”

However, the others don’t do the same. He feels mistreated. He feels hurt and has many complaints and criticism for others. They make many mistakes, but he never tells them. Others are not correct, because they treat him unjustly.

Lessons:
a) Life is a mirror and reflects:
1. My fear of criticism.
2. My criticism of others.
3. Some mistake I keep making which I need to overcome, and so I keep coming across it.
4. Guilt or inner conflict for what I do.
5. The thought form that others will criticise me or will not treat me well.

NOTE: These five possibilities may exist in all feelings of injustice.

b) To be more sincere in communicating.
c) To accept others as they are.
d) To become free of some habit that creates conflict with others.
e) To become liberated from the beliefs which create guilt or inner conflict.
f) To become free from the fear of criticism. To feel its usefulness regardless other people’s opinion.
g) To become free from the thought pattern that this is how others will treat me.
h) To have more self-respect. To emit a sense dignity which will invite others’ respect.

Keys to Freedom

a) Life is a mirror.
b) I deserve others’ respect and love others in every situation.
c) I love and accept others as they are, as evolving souls.
d) I communicate openly and sincerely in every situation.

4. I cannot feel well because my loved one is not well.

Lessons:
a) To understand that the other is an independent, eternal soul which creates its own reality exclusively in order to learn the lessons it has come to learn in this phase of its life.
b) To give love and assistance without feeling responsible for the health, happiness or success of others.
c) To believe in a divine plan for my loved one.
d) To perceive the other as an eternal soul instead of as my child, parent, spouse, etc.

Keys to Freedom

a) Each of us is an eternal, evolving soul.
b) I can help, but I cannot create anybody else’s reality.
c) I cannot help anybody with my own unhappiness.

5. I cannot feel well because my loved one does not love me.

He doesn’t do as I tell him. He gives me no attention, tenderness, love. He doesn’t agree with me. He doesn’t approve of me.

Lessons:

a) I am not responsible for anyone else’s happiness.
b) My worth is not valued according to how my loved one sees me.
c) I am safe even if I don’t have my loved one’s approval.
d) Just because my loved one does not do as I say, or doesn’t give me any attention and tenderness, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me.
e) I must learn to free myself from the need to seek what I am seeking for from some other.
f) I need to learn to ask for what I need with greater assurance, self respect and certainty.

Keys to Freedom

a) I am worthy, regardless of the opinion of my loved ones.
b) I am secure even when alone.
c) If they don’t do what I ask them to do, it doesn’t mean they don’t love me.
d) I express my needs clearly and firmly.

6. I lose my love when those around me fail to give me what I want or need – otherwise I do love them.

Lessons:

a) All those found in No. 4 and No. 5.
b) To love others as they are, souls in the process of evolution.
c) That life gives me exactly what I need every moment for my evolution.

Keys to Freedom

a) All those found in No. 4 and No. 5.
b) I am an eternal soul. My fullness and happiness are found within me.

7. I lose my serenity and become aggressive when my program changes suddenly.

I look for the person “responsible” and I release my anger or frustration on him. I have difficulty in flowing with situations as they develop.

Lessons:

a) That I am not in danger from change or the unknown. To have full confidence in life and the divine plan.
b) To have confidence in my ability to face anything which might happens.
c) To remember that life is giving, has given and always will give me exactly what I need for my evolution.
d) I don’t need to control every situation in order to be safe.

Keys of Happiness

1) I live within a divine plan and I am always safe.
2) Life gives me exactly what I need every moment.

8. I am unhappy because the others never understand me.
And thus, I don’t try to communicate.

Lessons:

a) To become liberated of the need to be understood by others.
b) To be liberated of the thought form that the others are not going to understand me.
c) To learn to communicate more firmly and clearly so that the other person will be prompted to listen to me.
d) To find out what it is that I do which makes the other person unable to be open with me.
e) To discover past experiences which make me attract, and be sensitive to, such behavior.

Keys to Happiness

a) I am worthy and secure, regardless if others (or particularly he/she) pay attention, love me or understand me.
b) I express myself openly and sincerely, regardless of the results.
c) Underneath people’s negativity, I can discern their fear and pain.

9. I must do what others (especially parents) expect of me.
I am indebted. I am unhappy because I can’t do what I want.

Lessons:

a) To do whatever I do because of love and not because of obligation.
b) To acquire discrimination in relation to what exactly I owe, i.e., I owe love, respect, help etc. but not living my life according to other people’s expectations.
c) To become conscious of the fact that my life belongs to me and not to anyone else.
d) Not to blame others as an excuse for my inability to do those things which would lead to my own self-fulfillment.
e) To communicate more openly and clearly with the others in connection with my beliefs, feelings, purposes, values and needs.
f) That others can love me even when I don’t fulfill their expectations.

Keys to Happiness

a) I love, respect and help everybody (and those who have helped me) but I live my life according to my own values and purposes.
b) I listen to every point of view; I think and then follow my own conclusions.
c) I communicate openly and sincerely, even with those who don’t agree with me.
d) Others will love me even when I don’t fulfill their expectations.

10. I cannot have love, attention, tenderness from others. They don’t give them to me. I feel injustice and indignation (wounded, angry). I want to find somebody else who will give me what I need.

Lessons:

a) To become free of the thought forms which cause me:
1) Not to attract what I want and need from others.
2) Not to see what I do have from others.
3) To ruin what I have when I do have it.

b) To learn to ask for what I need, clearly and firmly.
c) To learn that I don’t need to have things that I require from specific people.
d) To learn to give to myself what I need.
e) Not to play games in order to have what I need from others.

Keys to Happiness

1) I deserve people’s love, tenderness and attention exactly as I am.
2) All the things I am looking for outside myself are actually inside me.
3) Whatever I need is inside me.
4) I communicate my needs openly and clearly to others.

11. I am ill and feel an injustice.
It must be some type of punishment, but I am not guilty of anything.

Lessons:

a) To become healthy by making changes in my eating and thinking habits and way of life in general.
b) To understand that illness is not a punishment but:
1) My own creation
2) An opportunity for development
c) To perceive the various opportunities for development that exist in my situation.
d) To become conscious of the fact that there is no punishment, that I am the exclusive creator of my reality.
e) To learn not to identify with the body.

Keys to Happiness

a) Life gives me exactly what I need for my development.
b) There is a cosmic justice which brings to everyone exactly what he deserves (creates).
c) I am not this body. I am an eternal soul independent of this body.

12. I am ill. I am ashamed. I feel that I am a failure, that I am weak,
that others will reject me.

Lessons:

a) To accept myself as I am, with my weaknesses and limitations.
b) To make changes in my nutrition, thinking and way of life in order to create health.
c) To become free of the thought form that others will reject me if I show weakness.
d) To accept others with their weaknesses.
e) To free myself from the need of their approval.
f) Not to identify with the body.

Keys to Happiness

a) Health is my true nature.
b) I accept myself even when my body has a problem.
c) Others love me as I am.

13. We have nothing in common.
We cannot communicate. I feel lonely, disappointment and injustice.

Lessons:

a) That the other person is exactly what I need for my spiritual development.
b) To find out what it is that I am doing which makes it difficult for the other to connect with me.
c) To find within me the fullness that up to now I was trying to find in the other person.
d) To approach the other person with more love.
e. To find what I look for in others and not think that I need to find all I need in one particular person.
f) To learn to be more interested in the other person and his concerns.

Keys to Happiness

a) I feel unity even with those who cannot communicate with me.
b) I have enough love in me for both of us (or all of us).
c) I take from God and give to man.

14. The others dominate me, they force me to do things that I don’t want to do. They won’t love me if I don’t obey. I feel injustice, fear, bitterness, oppression and anger.

Lessons:

a) I don’t need to do what others ask me to, so that:
1) I can be worthy, I can be good.
2) I will be accepted and loved.
b) That others can control me only when I want something from them (acceptance, affirmation, security, enjoyment, service, love etc.).
c) To be able to say “no” when what they ask is:
1) Harmful for me, them or others.
2) Something which spoils them that is an obstacle to their development.
3) Against my values and ethics.
d) To respect my needs and my values.
e) To love others even when they react negatively.
f) I am not responsible for the happiness, health, success and development of other people.

Keys to Happiness

a) I give what I can with love.
b) I respect others and myself.
c) I am worth loving even when I cannot satisfy others.
d) Others love me for what I am (love, light, peace) and not for what I do.

SITUATION NO. 15

I SUSPECT THAT MY SPOUSE IS SEEING SOMEONE ELSE. I FEEL HURT. BETRAYED, HUMILIATED, FEAR, SHAMED, BITTER, ANGER AND SOMETIMES, ANGER AND HATE AND WANT REVENGE.

LESSONS:
1. To analyse why my mind is predisposed to believing this about my spouse and myself.
2. To realise that by self-worth is not dependent on whether my spouse prefers me or someone else.
3. To cultivate the belief that I will be secure and can be happy and socially acceptable without my spouse.
4. To have faith that if my spouse leaves me, I will be given another if that is useful for my evolution or else I will be happy by myself.
5. To search to see what it is I am doing which may prevent the other from feeling happy or secure of loved with me.
6. To learn to be more loving and accepting towards the other.
7. To give more attention to the other and to pay more attention to his/her needs.
8. To be able to accept myself without a spouse.
9. To forgive the other for his weaknesses and mistakes and love him anyway.
10. To cultivate a more positive image of myself so that I do not so easily suspect that the other does not love me or prefers someone else.
11. To check and see whether I myself feel totally dedicated to my spouse.
12. To check to see whether I myself do not occasionally feel the need to be with someone else.

KEYS TO FREEDOM:
I am lovable and acceptable in all situations.
My happiness and security are within me.
I love others without expecting anything form them.
My self-worth is permanent and unrelated to what others think or how they act.

SITUATION NO 16

OTHERS ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE AND CONSCIENTIOUS. I FEEL LET DOWN, USED, BETRAYED, BITTER, DEMEANED, HUMILIATED, ANXIOUS, FEARFUL OF FAILURE, ANGRY.

LESSONS:
1. To accept others as they are.
2. To learn to express my needs and what I expect more clearly.
3. To explain more clearly to others how I feel when our agreements are not met.
4. To detach my self-worth from the results of my actions. Not to be attached to the results of my actions.
5. To allow others the time and space to be motived to do their work.
6. To have more faith in others and their abilities.
7. To become the other’s friend and not only his coworker.
8. To do active listening to understand what the other’s problem is.
9. To love and accept the others even when they are unable to be conscientious.
10. To check and see if I myself am always responsible and conscientious in all of my activities.

KEYS TO FREEDOM:
1. I love and accept others as they are, and even when they have faults and weakness.
2. I accept and love myself regardless of the results of my efforts.
3. I have faith in the divine being in each, and allow each to take on his responsibilities.
4. The world can function without me.

SITUATION NO. 17

I AM NOT HAPPY WITH MY BOY (GIRL) FRIEND. HE/SHE DOES NOT GIVE ME WHAT I WANT. BUT I REMAIN BECAUSE I AM NOT SURE WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF I AM ALONE AGAIN.

LESSONS:
1. To learn to be happy with that particular person.
2. To learn to see the others positive traits.
3. To overcome fear of relationships
4. To overcome the fear of being alone.
5. To love and accept the other as he is.
6. To believe that if it is best for me to have a partner, that he/she will come to me from life.
7. To overcome the idea that it is difficult to find a partner.
8. To free my sense of self-worth from whether I have a partner of not.
9. To learn to feel secure without a partner.
10. To see whether I am giving to the other what he needs from me.
11. Do I love and want to be with the other?

KEYS TO FREEDOM:
1. Life gives me exactly what I need in every situation for my happiness and growth.
2. I can be equally happy with and without a partner.
3. My security and self worth have nothing to do with whether I have a partner or not.
4. I see the divine essence in all persons.

SITUATION NO. 18

THE OTHERS ARE PLAYING THEIR TV (RADIO) LOUDLY EVERY NIGHT. I FEEL , IGNORED, DEMEANED, REJECTED, BITTER, ANGRY.

LESSONS:
1. To express my needs to the others with greater clarity, assertiveness and love.
2. To free myself from the belief that there will be conflict; that I will hurt the others or that they will hurt me.
3. To free myself from the importance which i give to what others think about me.
4. Not to take this sound personally as a rejection of my needs or person, but simply as some thing which the other needs or which makes him happy.
5. To accept the others and love them even when they are unable to respect our needs.
6. To send positive thoughts and light to the others, when they are unable to cooperate.
7. To believe that others can be interested in my needs and want to cooperate with me.
8. To love myself even when others are not able to respect my needs or feelings.
9. To check and see if perhaps I myself am not respecting other’s needs.

KEYS TO FREEDOM:
1. I love and accept myself even when others do not respect my needs.
2. I love and accept others even when they are unable to respect my needs.
3. Others love and care for me and want to cooperate with me.
4. I can confront others assertively and lovingly without their being a conflict.

SITUATION NO. 19

OTHERS ARE ALWAYS USING ME. THEY WANT TO TAKE WHATEVER THEY CAN FROM ME AND DO NOT CARE ABOUT ME. I FEEL FEAR OF BEING USED, INSECURE, CHEATED, BITTERNESS, INJUSTICE, HUMILIATED, ANGRY AND MISTRUSTFUL.

LESSONS:
1. To change my beliefs about people and their motives. To have a more positive image of people.
2. To free my self from any desires to use people.
3. To free myself from childhood experiences in which I felt that I was being used.
4. To love accept people even when they want to use me for their own needs
5. To free myself from the idea that I am in some danger if they want to use me.
6. To realise that there is nothing that anyone can take from me, if I do not give it.
7. To learn to say ‘no’ and not give that which I do not want to give.
8. To free my self from the dependency which I have on people who I believe are using me.
9. To develop inner security and feelings of self-worth so that I do not give others the chance to use me because I need them.
10. To develop the feeling of selfless service and give to others freely that which they need from me.
11. To free my self from the belief that my freedom in in danger or that others can control me.
12. To develop my feelings of inner strength and inner power.

KEYS TO FREEDOM:
1. Life gives me exactly what I need at each moment.
2. I am lovable even when I say “no”.
3. I feel secure and safe in every situation.
4. I give freely of myself when I feel to, and explain to others that I cannot when I don’t.

SITUATION NO. 20

MY SPOUSE (OR EVEN OTHERS) DOES NOT PAY ATTENTION TO ME WHEN I SPEAK. I FEEL IGNORED, REJECTED, HUMILIATED, INJUSTICE, BITTERNESS, ANGER.

LESSONS:
1. To give the other what he needs from me.
2. Not to nag to criticise the other so much.
3. To speak to the other in a way in which he does not feel threatened or demeaned or perhaps bored.
4. To show more interest in the other’s needs.
5. Not to interrupt the other when he/she is concentrated on something else.
6. To do some active listening to try to why the other is unable to respond.
7. To express my need for him/her to pay attention more clearly and affirmatively but with love.
8. To free myself from the belief that people do not pay attention to me.
9. To free myself from childhood experiences in which they did not pay attention to me.
10. To free myself from the idea that my self-worth is diminished when others ignore me.
11. To love the other and accept him even when he/she is unable to pay attention to me or respect my needs.
12. To see what I might be doing which causes the other to react in this way.
13. Not to take this personally, but as the other’s need or weakness.

KEYS TO FREEDOM:
1. I love and accept myself regardless of the other’s behaviour.
2. I express my needs clearly, lovingly and assertively.
3. I deserve the others’ respect and attention as they deserve mine.
4. I love and accept the others regardless of their behavior.

SITUATION NO. 21

I HAVE ALWAYS HAD SO MANY RESPONSIBILITIES. EVERYONE DEPENDS ON ME. NO ONE DOES ANY THING TO HELP ME. I FEEL TIRED, WORN DOWN, ABUSED, INJUSTICE, BITTERNESS, FEARFUL THAT THINGS WILL NOT GET DONE, ANGRY AND RESENTFUL.

LESSONS:
1. To not be so attached to things getting done or to the results of our efforts.
2. To allow others the space to do things in their own time.
3. To have more faith in the others and in their abilities.
4. Not to nag others or to push them when they are not ready.
5. To allow things not to be done until the others are ready to to do them.
6. To free myself from the idea that I am responsible for everything.
7. To learn to express my needs more clearly, lovingly and assertively.
8. To search and see if I myself may not be avoid responsibilities in some other field.
9. To love and accept the others even when they cannot be as conscientious as I am.
10. To learn not to do things , when I do not feel that I want to.
11. To free my sense of self-worth from how much I do, or how capable I am.
12. To not use work and activity as a means of avoiding my inner feelings.
13. To be more relaxed in my moments and communication with others.
14. To free my self from the fear of rejection from the others when I do not fulfil all of my responsibilities.
15. To stop evaluating myself and others based on how much each does or accomplishes or how quickly he does it.

KEYS TO FREEDOM:
1. I love and accept myself regardless as to how much I do.
2. I express my needs and feelings clearly, lovingly and assertively.
3. I have faith in the other’s abilities and allow them the space to fulfil their responsibilities.
4. I am unconcerned about the results of my efforts.

SITUATION NO. 22

MY SPOUSE IN VERY JEALOUS AND CREATES UNPLEASANT SITUATIONS EVERY TIME I AM TO GO OUT BY MYSELF OR EVERY TIME THERE IS SOME OTHER STIMULUS. I FEEL SUPPRESSED, LIMITED, INJUSTICE, RESENTFUL, HURT THAT HE/SHE DOES NOT HAVE MORE FAITH IN ME, AND ALSO ANGER.

LESSONS:
1. To free myself from the feeling of responsibility which I feel for the other’s reality and function normally, with out guilt or fear.
2. To do more to help the other be sure of and secure in my love for him/her.
3. To see if maybe I have not actually given to the other with my thoughts or actions to have this fear and doubt.
4. To check and see if I myself feel secure with the other or whether or not I too might also be jealous.
5. To see if I may not be using this “power” over the other and feel perhaps “affirmed” by his/her jealousy.
6. To free my self from beliefs that I am not free or do not have the right to be free , or that my freedom is vulnerable.
7. To love and accept the other inspite of his negativity.
8. To free my self from experiences in my childhood years in which others did not believe me, or limited my freedom.
9. To learn the real freedom is internal and not external.
10. To search for the possibility that I am consciously or subconsciously rejecting the other.

KEYS TO FREEDOM:
1. I feel my innocence and my freedom regardless of the other’s behaviour.
2. I love and accept the other exactly as he is.
3. My freedom is never endangered unless I myself give it up.
4. Freedom is internal freedom from needs, fears and desires.
5. I express my needs clearly, lovingly and assertively.

SITUATION NO. 23

I FEEL ASHAMED OF MY (SPOUSE, CHILD, PARENT, FRIEND, EMPLOYER) . I FEAR THAT THEIR BEHAVIOUR WILL HUMILIATE ME IN FRONT OF THE OTHERS. I FEEL SHAME, HUMILIATION, DEMEANED, SELF REJECTION AND ALSO REJECTION TOWARDS THE OTHER AND INJUSTICE AND ANGER THAT HE/SHE IS DOING THIS TO ME.

LESSON:
1. To realise that my self-worth is not dependent on the people with whom I associate (spouse, child, parent, friend, employer etc.).
2. To free myself from the importance which I give to what others think of me.
3. To learn to accept and love the other exactly as he is.
4. To free my self from superficial ways of measuring people’s worth, such as knowledge, education, money, appearance, professional success, social success, communication skills etc.
5. To accept and love myself regardless of externals factors.
6. To discover what I am not giving to the other which prevents him from being to me what I need him to be.
7. To accept in myself that which I cannot accept in the other.

KEYS TO FREEDOM:
1. I love and accept myself and others exactly as we are.
2. Our self worth is divine and cannot change or be dependent on external factors.
3. We are all equally children of God containing the same spiritual value.
4. God is the inner consciousness of every being I meet – including myself.

SITUATION NO. 24

MY (SPOUSE, PARENT, CHILD) IS AN ADDICTED PERSON (ALCOHOL, NARCOTICS). HIS/HER BEHAVIOUR IS UNPREDICTABLE, SOMETIMES AGGRESSIVE, OFTEN IRRESPONSIBLE. I FEEL FEAR, FOR HIM AND US. I FEEL HURT, BITTER, ABUSED, REJECTED, UNWORTHY, HUMILIATED, RESENTFUL AND ANGRY BOTH AT HIM AND AT GOD.

LESSONS:
1. To believe that I deserve respect and love.
2. To get free from childhood experiences in which I was conditioned in some way to believe that I am not worthy of love and affection, happiness or freedom.
3. To learn to love and accept the other despite his/her weakness or negativity.
4. To see that the other is suffering and to want to help him without losing my own self respect and without making him even weaker.
5. To free my self from the idea that I am responsible for his/her reality or cure.
6. To allow the other to have responsibility both for his unhappiness and his therapy.
7. To realise that I have the right to be happy even if the other is not.
8. To not take what he/she does personally, and to realise that my self worth is not diminished by his/her actions; that he/she has a problem.
9. To search for what I may not be giving the other which he/she may need, such as love, acceptance , affection.
10. To free ourselves from the role of the parent or saviour in relationship to the other.
11. To learn to express our needs and rights clearly, lovingly and assertively.
12. To overcome any shame which we feel towards the others because our loved one has this problem. To free ourselves from worrying about how others see us.

KEYS TO FREEDOM:
1. I love and accept others and help them while allowing them to retain total responsibility for their reality.
2. I help others more with my happiness, than with my pain.
3. I deserve love, affection and respect exactly as I am.
4. Life gives me exactly what I need every moment for my evolutionary process.

SITUATION NO. 25

I AM NOT HAPPY OR SATISFIED WITH WHAT I AM RECEIVING FROM MY PRESENT RELATIONSHIP (NOT MARRIAGE). I DON’T KNOW WHETHER TO STAY AND LEARN THROUGH NOT GETTING WHAT I WANT; OR TO LEAVE AND BE ALONE AND LEARN THROUGH THAT. I FEEL CONFUSED AND IMPRISONED, BITTER THAT I CANNOT GET WHAT I WANT, FEARFUL OF BEING ALONE, REJECTION TOWARDS THE OTHER AND TOWARDS MY SELF.

LESSONS:
1. To analyse why I want to be with this person and why I do not.
2. To accept the other and to love him as he is.
3. To overcome my fear of being alone.
4. To overcome the belief that it will be difficult to find someone else.
5. To see what it is that I am not offering to him/her which prevents him/her from giving me what I need.
6. To free my self from the fear of a committed relationship.
7. To free myself from the belief that I cannot get what I need from a relationship.
8. To free myself from the belief that i will suffer in a relationship i.e.. lose my freedom, be abused, be abandoned etc.
9. To free myself from childhood experiences or models in which I was programmed negatively towards relationships.
10. To learn to be happy alone.
11. To feel secure and worthy even without a partner.
12. To express my needs more clearly.
13. To discover what I really want out of life, my real goals, and values.

KEYS TO FREEDOM:
1. I feel worthy and secure with or without a partner.
2. I love and accept the others exactly as they are.
3. I feel free and secure in a committed relationship.
4. I feel secure and happy on my own.

SITUATION NO. 26

IT IS DIFFICULT FOR ME TO EXPRESS MY ANGER. I FEEL NEGATIVE TOWARDS OTHERS BUT CANNOT EXPRESS HOW I FEEL. I FEEL BLOCKED, ANGRY, UPSET, FRUSTRATED, HURT BY THE OTHERS. I FEEL NEGLECTED, RESENTFUL AND HUMILIATED.

LESSONS:
1. To overcome the fear of a conflict.
2. To overcome the attachment or the fear which makes me angry and learn to love the other as he is.
3. To learn to express my anger in the form of an “I message”.
4. To learn patience, forgiveness, understanding etc.
5. To realise that I have the right to express my needs and feelings and for them to be heard and understood by the others.
6. To believe that the others love me.
7. To be more pleasant and positive to the others.
8. To get free from the belief that I am the victim or that others want to use me or hurt me.
9. To feel comfortable saying “no” and believe that the other will love me anyway.
10. To express my needs more clearly and not expect the other to be a mind reader. To express my needs frequently and not expect the other to understand to first time.

KEYS TO FREEDOM:
1. Life gives me exactly what I need at every moment.
2. I am the sole creator of my reality.
3. I am lovable and have cooperative relationships with all persons.
4. I express my needs and feelings clearly at the moment I have them but with respect for others.

SITUATION NO. 27

MY PARENTS ARE EXPECTING ME TO GET THIS DEGREE AND IT IS SOMETHING WHICH DOES NOT INTEREST ME AT ALL. I DO NOT WANT TO DO IT, BUT THEY WILL NOT UNDERSTAND . I FEEL OBLIGED TO THEM TO GET IT. I FEEL PRESSURED, SUPPRESSED, DEPRESSED, HURT, SELF REJECTION, REJECTION TOWARDS THEM, BITTERNESS, MISUNDERSTOOD, ALONE, AND SOMETIMES ANGRY.

LESSONS:
1. To love others without believing that I am responsible for their happiness of reality.
2. To realise that love does mean that we need to sacrifice our values and interests in life.
3. To overcome the blockage which prevents me from being interested in learning this subject.
4. To clarify my life goals.
5. To get free from the roles of the child (emotionally and materially and financially).
6. To love the others even when they make demands on us.
7. To love ourselves even when we cannot satisfy the other’s expectations of us.
8. To realise what we are doing which make others see us as a child.
9. To learn to make more serious effort at learning and overcome laziness or fear of failure.
10. To express more clearly and lovingly our needs, beliefs, values and goals.
11. To overcome the fear of facing life alone.

KEYS TO FREEDOM:
1. I love and accept everyone without feeling the need to fulfil their expectations.
2. I am lovable and acceptable even when I cannot fulfil the other’s expectations.
3. I am an immortal soul with equal rights and powers with all other beings.
4. My life is my own creation and I have the right to make my mistakes and live with them.
5. I am able to study and get this degree which will always be useful at some time.

SITUATION NO. 28

I HAVE A CONTINUAL ANXIETY ABOUT MY CHILDREN. I FEAR THAT SOMETHING WILL HAPPEN TO THEM. THEY MIGHT BECOME ILL, OR DIE, OR FAIL, OR GET CAUGHT UP NARCOTICS USE, OR BE HURT BY OTHERS ESPECIALLY THE OPPOSITE SEX. I FEEL FEAR, ANXIETY, NERVOUS TENSION, HAVE ILLUSIONS OF THEM BEING HARMED, AND CONFLICT WITH THEM IN MY NEED TO PROTECT THEM.

LESSONS:
1. To have more faith in my children, their intelligence and ability to protect themselves and succeed in life.
2. To have more faith in God and the Divine plan for my children. That each is being overwatched by the one universal consciousness and that nothing “accidental” can happen.
3. To see my children as immortal spirits in a process of evolution, temporarily incarnated in these bodies for the process of learning, and that nothing could ever happen to them which is not a part of their learning process.
4. To free my self from the role of parent and to realise that my self-worth does not depend on what happens to my children.
5. To free myself from my anxiety about what other people will say about me if something happens to my children.
6. To find other interests in life so that I do not need them so much and focus on them in an exaggerated way.
7. To free myself from any feelings of guilt which make me feel that I might be punished through my children or that we do not have divine protection.
8. To love them without needing to receive from them or being attached to affirmation through their success.
9. To realise that humans learn through their experiences and that those who do not confront difficulties do not develop inner strength.
10. To realise that I am only harming their own self-confidence by worrying about them.
11. To understand that my negative thoughts pass onto to them whether I express them or not.
12. To realise that worrying and fear can solve no problems.

KEYS TO FREEDOM:
1. My children are immortal souls in the process of evolution. Within them lies all the knowledge and power to protect themselves and continue their evolution.
2. Life gives them in each moment exactly what they need for their inner development.
3. My self worth is not measured by how my children do.
4. My children are God’s children and they are only temporarily given to me for the first years in this world. As they grow older they becomes God’s responsibility not mine.

SITUATION NO. 29

MY MOTHER-IN-LAW (OR ANY OTHER RELATIVE OR FRIEND) BUDS INTO OUR LIVES CONTINUOUSLY. I WANT TO TELL HER/HIM BUT DO NOT WANT HIM/HER OR MY SPOUSE TO BE HURT. I HAVE SUPPRESSED MY NEEDS AND FEELINGS FOR MANY YEARS NOW. I FEEL IMPRISONED, RESENTFUL, FEARFUL OF BEING CONTROLLED, INJUSTICE, ANGER AND EVEN HATE AT TIMES. I ALSO FEEL GUILT ABOUT HAVING THOSE FEELINGS.

LESSONS:
1. To love and accept that person as he/she is and forgive him/her for his/her weaknesses and negativity.
2. To express to the others my needs and feelings more clearly, more lovingly and more assertively.
3. To free myself from feeling guilty when I am not able to satisfy everyone’s needs or opinions.
4. To be able to say “no” without feeling guilty or that there will necessarily be a conflict, or that the other will stop loving us.
5. To believe that the others can hear the truth and discuss any situation maturely like adults.
6. To free myself from childhood experiences in which I was programmed to believe that others would not respect my needs, or would criticise me, or would not be able to communicate peacefully.
7. To cultivate more positive feelings towards these persons.
8. To look for their positive qualities and see them as incarnations of God sent to us t test our ability to love unconditionally.
9. To workout some types of practical agreements in which all feel that some of their needs are being fulfilled. ( The six step no-lose method )

KEYS TO FREEDOM:
1. Each and every person is an expression of God sent to me to learn to love unconditionally.
2. Love means honest communication on all parts and mutually satisfying solutions.
3. I express my needs and feelings clearly and loving and retain the other’s love in this way.
4. I am lovable and acceptable even when I cannot fulfil other’s expectations.

SITUATION NO. 30

MY HUSBAND (WIFE) IS MISSING FROM THE HOUSE CONTINUALLY. I FEEL ABANDONED, REJECTED, HUMILIATED, RESENTMENT, INJUSTICE AND ANGRY.

LESSONS:
1. To feel happy and fulfilled and worthy even when the other is not there.
2. To communicate my need for him/her to be there more clearly,assertively and lovingly.
3. To love and accept the other as he is with that need.
4. To search (perhaps with the other) for what I might be doing which might be causing him to be missing.
5. To not take this personally and realise that his/her need in not an expression of rejection nor lack of love towards us, but simply a need or interest which he/she has.
6. Not to measure my self-worth by the attention which I receive from the other.
7. Not to nag about this, but to discuss it openly and without accusations.
8. To learn to have more personal interests to fill my own time.
9. Perhaps to join the other in what he or she is doing.
10. To get free from beliefs that I do not deserve something better. Or that this is life and I cannot expect something more satisfying.
11. To get free from childhood experiences in which I may have seen such situations in which one was unable to get what he wanted from the other.
12. To express my needs more frequently and to think of interesting things which we can do together.

KEYS TO FREEDOM:
1. Fulfilment and happiness are within me and do not depend on anyone else.
2. I accept and love myself regardless of the other’s behaviour.
3. I express my needs and feelings clearly and lovingly.
4. Unity is not dependent on how much time we spend together, but how we feel towards each other.

SITUATION NO. 31

I DO NOT FEEL THAT MY FRIENDS WANT TO BE WITH ME. I GET THE MESSAGE THAT THEY DO NOT SEEK ME OUT AS MUCH AS I SEEK THEM. I FEEL REJECTED, ALONE, MISUNDERSTOOD, HURT, DEPRESSION AND SOMETIMES ANGRY.

LESSONS:
1. That my self-worth is not dependent upon whether the others want me or not.
2. To be less dependent on the others, and ask less of them.
3. To realise that often their lack of actively seeking our company may have nothing to do with how much they like us,but as function of their very busy lives.
4. To discover what it is that I do which may push people away. Perhaps I talk too much about myself, or give too much advice, or am always depressed, or seeking to take energy from them, not having any of my own.
5. To learn to be fulfilled and satisfied within myself.
6. To seek out those who also feel lonely and help them.
7. To want to be with others in order to give (not advice) and not to take.
8. To love and accept those who do not show interest in us.
9. To express our needs more clearly to those of whom we have need and do actively listening to see what might be the problem.
10. To develop greater inner strength and have less need for the others.
11. To develop a relationship with God so that we always have company.

KEYS TO FREEDOM:
1. My fulfilment and happiness are within me and not dependent on anyone else.
2. My self-worth is absolute and divine as I am a child of God. No one can increase of diminish my self-worth.
3. I take from God and give to others.
4. I express my needs and accept myself and others when they are unable to fulfil them.

SITUATION NO. 32

MY PARTNER (MARRIED OR NOT) JUST LEFT ME AND MY WORLD HAS COLLAPSED. I FEEL REJECTED, HURT, BETRAYED, DEPRESSED, BELITTLED, SHAMED, FEARFUL, BITTER AND ANGRY AND SOMETIMES EVEN HATE AND REVENGE.

LESSONS:
1. To realise that I can be happy and secure without him/her.
2. To realise that my self-worth is not dependent on whether this person wants to be with me or prefers me to all others.
3. To learn to be happy and fulfilled by myself.
4. To learn to forgive and love and accept the other even if he/she prefers not to be with me at this time, or even if he/she prefers to be with someone else.
5. To examine within myself to see what I may have done which might have made the other unhappy or unfulfilled with me.
6. To free myself from the belief that I will be abandoned or my fear of abandonment or my attachment to the other , or to having an partner.
7. To free myself from beliefs which say that I do not deserve to have a happy relationship.
8. To free myself from negative childhood experiences which may have created a negative image of relationships in my subconscious.
9. To learn to give and take with a wider circle of persons and not limit my love to only one person.
10. To be more positive and less demanding and less attached in my relationships.
11. To give more of myself to the other.

KEYS TO FREEDOM:
1. My security and happiness are within me and do not depend on any other.
2. I deserve and can have a happy relationship if that is useful for my evolution.
3. I am giving and receiving love with an ever wider circle of people.
4. Life gives me exactly what I need at each moment for my evolution.
5. My self-worth is absolute and not dependent on others in anyway.

SITUATION NO. 33

MY TEACHER (SPIRITUAL OR OTHERWISE) REJECTS ME (OR DOES NOT GIVE ME AS MUCH ATTENTION AS HE GIVES TO THE OTHERS). I FEEL REJECTED, UNWORTHY, HUMILIATED, BELITTLED, RESENTFUL, HURT AND ANGRY.

LESSONS:
1. That my self-worth is not dependent on this teacher’s opinion or behaviour.
2. That my spiritual growth and God’s love for me have nothing to do with this or any other teacher’s or priest’s opinion of me. I am God’s child.
3. That perhaps the teacher is not rejecting me, but wants to help me learn some lesson.
4. To be more sure of myself, of my abilities and self-worth and not to put others in the role of my parents to tell me whether I am worthy or not.
5. To try to understand what it is that we are doing which is causing his/her attitude towards us.
6. To free ourselves from previous experiences in which we have felt rejection or ignored by teachers or parents or other authority figures.
7. To love and accept him/her exactly as he/she is.
8. To realise that he/she are human and that we are all souls in the process of evolution.
9. To overcome any fear of approaching him/her and express our feelings and needs.

KEYS TO FREEDOM:
1. I am God’s child and am always lovable and acceptable.
2. All soul’s are equally in the process of evolution.
3. I love and accept myself in all situations.
4. I am equal with all beings regardless of the roles we all play.
SITUATION NO. 34

I DO NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH OTHER PEOPLE. I AM AFRAID OF REJECTION. I FEEL ENDANGERED, FEARFUL, INFERIOR, WEAK, HELPLESS, AND UNABLE TO EXPRESS MY SELF.

LESSONS:
1. That my self-worth does not depend on what others think about me or say about me or how they behave towards me.
2. that I am not in danger from the others. That they will not harm me.
3. To free myself from past experiences in which I felt harmed, abused, rejected, criticised or done injustice to by others.
4. To develop a more positive opinion of myself and my abilities and my self-worth.
5. That I am a God’s child, an immortal soul in the process of evolution and have the same power and the same value of any other being.
6. To express myself more dynamically ( perhaps at first through some creative activity such as dance, song, music , etc.)
7. To develop more love and closeness to others .
8. To see the others as manifestations of the one God.
9. To have faith in the Divine Plan that nothing will ever happen to me which is not within that plan which has my best spiritual interests always in mind.

KEYS TO FREEDOM:
1. I am an immortal divine being and the power and love of God are within me.
2. I live in the constant presence of God and feel secure in all situations.
3. I am lovable to all persons.
4. Life gives me exactly what I need in every moment.

SITUATION NO. 35

MY PARTNER WANTS TO HAVE MORE FREQUENT SEXUAL CONTACT AND I DO NOT FEEL THE SAME. I FEEL PRESSURED, ENDANGERED, FEAR OF CLOSE CONTACT AND ALSO PAIN AND GUILT THAT HE/SHE IS SUFFERING BECAUSE OF ME IN THIS WAY.

LESSONS:
1. To search for and understand why I do not feel like having more contact with him/her. Perhaps I am feeling isolated, or hurt or alienated.
2. To free myself from the belief that sex is dirty or evil.
3. To give more affection and loving affirmation to the other so that he/she does not believe that I do not love him/her.
4. To discriminate between affection and hugging and caressing and sex. The others can exist without sex.
5. To express my needs and beliefs to the other more clearly, lovingly and assertively without feeling responsible for his/her reality.
6. To be able to continue to love the other even when he/she is angry with us or blaming us.
7. To see if there is something which I am doing which is making the other feel rejected and in need of affirmation of how we feel.
8. To overcome any negativity which I am feeling towards the other.

KEYS TO FREEDOM:
1. I express my feelings clearly and lovingly and retain a feeling of unity with the other regardless of his reactions.
2. I am open to loving union with my spouse on all levels, spiritual, emotional, mental and physical.
3. When used properly sex is a divine act, as are all other acts given to man.
4. This partner is my perfect spiritual teacher given to me by God for my evolution.

SITUATION NO. 36

I NEED MORE SEXUAL CONTACT AND AFFECTION FROM MY SPOUSE, BUT SHE/HE DOES NOT FEEL THE SAME. I FEEL REJECTED, CHEATED, INJUSTICE, BITTER, DEPRIVED, ANGRY.

LESSONS:
1. To become less focused on the sexual level for pleasure, relaxation or affirmation of my self as a man/woman.
2. To feel?the other’s love and caring for me without its verification through the sexual act.
3. To discuss and discover if the other may not be having some negative feelings towards me because of something I have or have not done.
4. To love and feel close to the other even if he/she cannot give me what I need.
5. To express my needs with an I- message helping the other to understand how I feel.
6. Not to push the other and let him/her overcome this in his/her own way and timing.
7. To become more spiritually oriented and direct my energies in other directions, especially into creativity and spiritual exercises.
8. To love an accept myself more and realise that my self-worth is not dependent on whether the other wants me sexually or not.
9. To free myself from this attachment.
10. To realise that love and affection and hugging can be expressed without sex, and that when I approach the other sexually this creates fear and thus a blockage also towards affection or close physical contact in general.

KEYS TO FREEDOM:
1. I love and accept myself regardless of the others’ behavior.
2. I am an eternal soul, neither male nor female.
3. My happiness and satisfaction are within me and not in anyone else.
4. Life gives me ( or not) exactly what I need for the next step in my evolution.
5. I express my needs clearly and lovingly and continue to love the other even when he/she cannot respond.

SITUATION NO. 37

I FEAR ‘THAT’ (PLANES, BOATS, ELEVATORS, FIRES, HOSPITALS, LARGE CROWDS, BEING ALONE ETC.) I FEEL FEAR, PANIC, DANGER AND BECOME ‘PARALYSED’ UNABLE TO APPROACH IT OR FUNCTION NORMALLY.

LESSONS:
1. To learn that I am not in danger from any of these.
2. To approach them slowly and gradually so as to realise that I am not in danger.
3. To accept myself even with that fear.
4. To get in touch with childhood experiences which may have created those fears.
5. To have greater faith in God and the divine plan.
6. To realise that I am an invulnerable immortal spirit which can never be harmed.
7. To develop a more positive image of myself.
KEYS TO FREEDOM:
1. I am an immortal spirit in God’s total protection.
2. Life is totally an expression of God’s thought. Nothing can ever happen to me which is not allowed by God.
3. I feel safe and secure in every situation.
4. Fear exists only when I allow my mind to live in illusion.

SITUATION NO. 38

MY CHILD IS NOW GROWN UP (BETWEEN 21 AND 40) BUT STILL LIVES WITH US (OR DEPENDS ON US) AND DOES NOT DO HIS SHARE. WE STILL SUPPORT HIM FINANCIALLY. I FEEL DANGER FOR HIS FUTURE, FEAR, WORRY, FAILURE AS A PARENT, SHAME IN THE EYES OF THE OTHERS AND SOMETIMES ANGER.

LESSONS:
1. That my child is an immortal soul in the process of evolution and is capable of surviving by himself.
2. To accept and love him as he is with these weakness.
3. To be more firm with him and not help out financially any more since he is able to take care of himself.
4. To become his friend and help him understand what is blocking him.
5. To give more affirmation of his abilities, which means to stop worrying about him. (something which he receives whether I express it with words or not).
6. To free myself from fears about what others will think about me if my child does not succeed.
7. To free myself from the fear of what will happen if I stop helping my child (what others will think, whether he will make it not, whether he will stop loving me.)
8. To realise that my child houses God’s divine power, and is actually God’s child not mine, and to leave his protection to God.
9. To ask the child to help me to discover what is the best thing for me to do at this point.
10. To overcome my own fears about survival and safety.
11. To overcome my own need for affirmation from society as measured by our relative success.
12. To let my child know that my love for him/her is unconditional and has nothing to do with whether he /she succeeds of not.

KEYS TO FREEDOM:
1. My child is God’s child and has all the powers of the universe behind him for his survival and success.
2. I place my child in God’s all powerful hands.
3. Life is giving to myself and my child exactly what we need at every moment for our next steps in our growth process.
4. I have faith in the divine plan and what it brings moment by moment.

SITUATION NO. 39

I DO NOT LIKE MY WORK ANYMORE, BUT I AM AFRAID TO LEAVE IT BECAUSE I WORRY ABOUT WHAT WILL HAPPEN FINANCIALLY OR WHAT OTHERS WILL THINK ABOUT WHAT I HAVE DONE. I FEEL CONFUSION, CONFLICT, IMPRISONED, CONFINED, BORED, DEPRESSED AND UNHAPPY.

LESSONS:
1. To overcome the fear of financial insecurity.
2. To clarify my life values and goals.
3. To learn to love my job as it is.
4. To overcome my fear of what others may think.
5. To express myself more clearly at work so that the environment suits me better.
6. To search inwardly more deeply to discover what it is exactly which makes my work unpleasant for me.
7. To develop greater faith in God’s promise that if I do His work, that all my needs will be cared for.
8. To free myself from various attachments to comforts which create more need for money.
9. To learn to love and accept those persons in my work environment more unconditionally.

KEYS TO FREEDOM:
1. Life gives me and will give at every moment exactly what I need to survive and grow spiritually.
2. I feel happy and at ease in all environments; including my work.
3. I have faith in God’s promise that all will be provided if I do his work.
4. I live my life according to my truest values and all will be give unto me.
5. I love and accept all persons exactly as they are.

SITUATION NO. 40

I FEAR CONFLICT WITH MY SPOUSE (PARENT, CHILD, SIBLING, FRIEND ETC.) AND THUS DO NOT EXPRESS MYSELF OPENLY AND HONESTLY. I FEEL IMPRISONED, ABUSED, HURT, VICTIMISED, BITTER, HUMILIATED, REJECTED, UNLOVED, AND ANGRY.

LESSONS:
1. To not fear the other. to not give him/her so much power to criticise me or suppress me.
2. To cultivate feelings of greater self-confidence and self-worth and to feel equal with others.
3. To love and accept the other as he is without fearing him.
4. To remember that I am God’s child and have the same value, rights and power which the other has.
5. To love and accept myself even when others criticise me or shout at me, and to realise that they have some problem.
6. To express myself more clearly, lovingly and assertively without fear of what kind of reaction I might receive.
7. To remember that the other is unhappy and creates his own reality when he/she is upset with me.
8. To free myself from past experiences in which I might have been programmed to believe that I would receive this kind of reaction.
9. To remember that each person creates his own reality.
10. To check and see if I might not have similar reactions at times towards the others.
11. To check if I perhaps have antagonistic feelings towards the other. Perhaps I am competing for who is right, or who has the best ideas, or who is most capable. And if so, to stop competing.

KEYS TO FREEDOM:
1. I express myself clearly, lovingly and assertively in all cases regardless of the others’ reactions.
2. I accept an love the others exactly as they are.
3. I am God’s child and thus have equal rights and power with all beings.
4. I accept and love myself in all situations regardless of others’ reactions.

SITUATION NO. 41

MY LOVED ONE (SPOUSE, CHILD, PARENT) HAS LEFT HIS PHYSICAL BODY (WHAT WE CALL DEATH) AND I FEEL LOST, DEEP INNER PAIN, A SENSE OF MEANINGLESSNESS, AND DEEP EMPTINESS, DEPRESSION, INJUSTICE, GUILT, LONELINESS, BITTERNESS, AND EVEN ANGER TOWARDS GOD FOR ALLOWING THIS TO HAPPEN.

LESSONS:
1. To find the inner strength to continue without the other.
2. To free myself from any guilt that I did not do what I could have to keep him/her alive or to show him/her my love.
3. To realise that I can be happy again with out him/her and that life does have meaning without him/her.
4. That there are millions of other souls with which I can exchange love and service.
5. To study the spiritual truths about the purpose of life and about what happens after death and about our true immortal spiritual nature.
6. To turn our attention to those who are still near us and love and serve them.
7. To free ourselves from feelings of insecurity and feel our inner strength and ability.
8. To develop a deeper relationship with God.
9. To be able to accept what has happened as a perfect part of a divine plan which always functions in our best spiritual interest.
10. To forgive anyone who might be apparently “to blame” for the death of our loved ones body. (the only real cause for any death is divine will)
11. To search for a new and deeper meaning in life.
12. To forgive myself for not having given to my loved one that which I wanted to give.

KEYS TO FREEDOM:
1. We are all immortal souls temporarily occupying these bodies for the perfect length of time which we require to learn our lessons and the we leave.
2. All is happening according to a perfect divine plan.
3. I am an immortal divine soul with all the power and intelligence necessary to live my life fully and meaningfully.
4. My security and happiness are within me and do not depend on anyone else.

SITUATION NO. 42

MY LOVED ONE IS VERY ILL AND MIGHT EVEN LEAVE HIS/HER PHYSICAL BODY SOON. I FEEL VERY AFRAID, ANXIOUS, HELPLESS, BITTER, SOMETIMES GUILTY AND EVEN ANGRY.

LESSONS:
1. To see my loved one as a soul in evolution temporarily living in physical body.
2. To have faith in a divine plan and do whatever I can to help him/her to get well but to have total faith that whatever is best for all will happen.
3. To think as positively as possible, and keep a smiling positive vibration, while employing all possible techniques for the healing of his body.
4. To overcome my fear of death of my body and the death of my loved one’s body.
5. To do whatever I can and leave the results up to God having faith that the best for everyone’s evolution will happen.
6. To deepen my spiritual life and contact with God.
7. To communicate deeply with my loved one so that we can work through any hidden differences or bitterness and develop total unity.
8. To love the other unconditionally regardless of his behavior which can sometimes become negative when he suffers.
9. To love and accept any doctors or hospital personnel as manifestations of the divine which are given to me to accept and love as they are.
10. To be able to talk to someone about how I feel and not hold all this in me.
12. To be able to talk with my loved one about how he feels, especially about the possibility of dying (if he/she wants to).
13. To take care of of my body and mind with a discipline of correct diet, exercises, breathing, relaxation and vitamins so that I can keep a good quality of energy during this testing time.
14. To be able to lovingly sacrifice my needs at this time in order to serve the other.

KEYS TO FREEDOM:
1. We are all immortal souls temporarily occupying these bodies for our learning process, each of us will leave at the perfect moment for all.
2.There is a divine plan which is guiding our lives (and death) in a perfect way.
3. I offer all results of my effort to God.
4. Happiness and fulfilment are within me and I will always be okay no matter what happens in my life.

SITUATION NO. 43

I AM AFRAID OF BECOMING ILL (OR ALREADY AM ILL). I FEEL FEAR, ANXIETY, WEAKNESS, HELPLESSNESS, INJUSTICE, BITTERNESS, NERVOUS TENSION, AND SOME TIMES ANGRY AT LIFE OR GOD FOR MY MISFORTUNE.

LESSONS:
1. That I am a divine consciousness living temporarily in a body and that all the healing energy of the universe is at my disposal.
2. To live my life in a healthy way with proper diet, exercises, breathing techniques, deep relaxation, positive thought projection, meditation, prayer etc.
3. To imagine health in all parts of my being every day.
4. To learn to accept help from others.
5. To learn to do less and allow others to do more.
6. To overcome certain fears which weaken my health.
7. To free myself from various addictions (sugar, meat, cigarettes, alcohol) which weaken my health.
8. To free my self from various negative emotions which destroy my health.
9. To forgive and love more so that my vital energy is flowing more freely.
10. To develop an deeper relationship with God.
11. To find a new meaning in life.
12. To remember that I am not the body and that I cannot die.
13. To learn to detach myself from the body so as not to feel the pain of discomfort of the body.
14. To express my feelings more openly so that they do not remain within and destroy my health.
15. To do more things which please me and live a happier life.
16. To engage in more creative activities.
17. To serve others, thus finding more meaning in life.

KEYS TO FREEDOM:
1. I am the life energy of the universe, I am health in all parts of my being.
2. I am God’s child and His healing energy is always available to me.
3. I a doing everything I can to be healthy and leave the results up to God.
4. I am not this body, nor this mind. I am spirit.

SITUATION NO. 44

I HAVE TRIED MANY TIMES TO SPEAK TO MY LOVED ONE (SPOUSE, CHILD, PARENT) ABOUT OUR PROBLEMS BUT HE/SHE ALWAYS AVOIDS ME. I FEEL BITTER, REJECTED, ALONE, HELPLESS, HURT, BELITTLED AND ANGRY.

LESSONS:
1. To love and accept the other as he/she is.
2. To try to discover what it is I might be doing which causes the other to not want to communicate ( not feel safe in communicating).
3. To learn to feel unity with the other even without verbal communication.
4. Perhaps I need to talk less or only about essential subjects.
5. To have more self-confidence and not need so much the other’s approval.
6. To be able to let some things pass and develop on their own without feeling the need to plan and control absolutely everything.
7. To accept and love myself even when the other cannot respond.
8. To not take this as a personal rejection but as the other’s problem or need.
9. To be able to express my needs and feelings clearly, lovingly and assertively.
10. To see if I have alienated the other in some way with my behavior.
11. To become more interested in the others needs and not only in my need to talk.
12. To find new ways to create feelings of unity between us.
13. To express my need at opportune times and in a positive way so as not to pressure the other.
14. To leave the other alone for a period of time and let him open up at his own rate.
15. To check to see if I have perhaps an antagonistic relationship with the other.

KEYS TO FREEDOM:
1. I love and accept myself regardless of the other’s behavior.
2. I express myself clearly, lovingly and assertively and accept to other’s response.
3. I love and accept the other exactly as he is.
4. I feel unity with others even if we are unable to communicate verbally.

SITUATION NO. 45

I HAVE MADE MANY ATTEMPTS TO EMPLOY A DISCIPLINE (EXERCISES, PROPER DIET, MEDITATION, TO WAKE UP EARLY, BEING ON TIME AT APPOINTMENTS ETC.) AND HAVE FAILED EACH TIME. I FEEL A FAILURE, WEAK, GUILTY, ANGRY AT MY SELF AND AT OTHER TIMES DEPRIVATION OF THAT WHICH I WANT OR A FEELING OF DEPRESSION THAT I AM LIMITED AND CONFINED.

LESSONS:
1. That I am free to do whatever I want to do with my life.
2. That I am not a better person if I am able to employ a discipline, and neither does God love me more.
3. That I am not limited by any discipline but actually freer from my needs, desires and weaknesses. That discipline is a basic path towards real freedom.
4. To approach this discipline as an adult who sees the value that it has for me, because I see as an intelligent thing to do.
5. To get free from the role of the child and parent with myself. The parent says I must do this, the child feels suppressed and reacts. The ‘parent’ rejects the child and so on.
6. To love and accept myself exactly as I am and do this discipline because I want to and not because then I will like myself better.
7. To avoid doing disciplines to please others, to do them because I realise that they are intelligent.
8. To think deeply about why I want to do this.
9. To accept others exactly as they are, whether they are disciplined or not.
10. To develop a deeper relationship with God.
11. To free myself from guilt.
12. To realise that when someone reacts, that he is not really free but is limited to the need to react.
13. To free myself from past experiences in which I have felt controlled (or danger of being controlled) by others.

KEYS TO FREEDOM:
1. I am God’s child and am lovable exactly as I am.
2. My real freedom is my freedom from my addictions, fears sand weaknesses and reactions.
3. I have all the power within me to do whatever I decide.
4. My self worth is not dependent on what I do or not, but on who I am.

SITUATION NO. 46

I WANT TO WRITE SO AS TO ANALYSE MY SELF AND PROCEED IN MY KNOWLEDGE OF MY SELF BUT I ALWAYS PROCRASTINATE AND FEEL BLOCKED. I FEEL FRUSTRATED, PRESSURED THAT I MUST WRITE, GUILT THAT I CANNOT; ANGRY THAT OTHERS ARE FORCING ME TOO, AND FEAR THAT SOME ELSE MIGHT READ IT.

LESSONS:
1. To realise that I am free to write or not. No one will love me more or less if I write or not.
2. To free myself from any negative experiences with writing at school or at home.
3. To discover why I have decided that I want to learn more about myself.
4. To sit down and wait patiently for some thoughts to come and to write them down.
5. To free myself from the belief that others are forcing me to do something and to clarify whether I want to do it or not.
6. To accept and love myself exactly as I am whether I write or not.
7. To realise that I am the sole creator of my reality and that I do not need to answer to the others about what I do.
8. To learn to push myself at times when my defence mechanisms block me from going within.
9. To analyse and realise the importance of writing.
10. To give it a try and see what happens.

KEYS TO FREEDOM:
1. I am acceptable and lovable regardless of whether I write or not.
2. I have nothing to lose and everything to gain by writing.
3. My goal is self-knowledge and writing will help me.
4. I am free to act as I like in my own best interests.
5. No one can make me do something unless I want something from them.

SITUATION NO. 47

I HAVE OBSESSIONAL THOUGHTS WHICH COME INTO MY MIND (SEXUAL, FEAR, OF DOING HARM TO OTHERS,ABOUT WHAT OTHERS HAVE DONE TO ME) AND CANNOT CONTROL THEM. I FEEL HELPLESS, FEARFUL, SOMETIMES PANIC, CONTROLLED, CONFUSED AND GUILTY.

LESSONS:
1. To realise that I am not my thoughts and that these are the products of old programmings and beliefs which are produced mechanically in my mind and have nothing to do with me – my true self.
2. To witness them indifferently and not fight them or try to obstruct them.
3. To offer them to God.
4. To bless them with divine light.
5. To do some regressions to see if I can find our from what past experiences they are coming.
6. To have more important things to do; to be occupied with creating, working and serving.
7. To develop greater faith in God.
8. To rid myself of conscious and subconscious guilt.
9. To realise that I am God’s creation and that I can never in any circumstance be unloved by Him.
10. To accept and love myself in all situations, even when I have these thoughts.
11. To forgive others for any mistakes which they have made in the past.
12. To love and accept others as they are.
13. To find a meaning in life which makes me feel fulfilled.
14. To employ various techniques for increasing the vitality of the body and the mind.

KEYS TO FREEDOM:
1. I am not my mind and my thoughts. They are temporary waves passing through my eternal and unlimited consciousness.
2. I am God’s beloved child in all cases, no matter what I do.
3. I love and accept myself in all situations.
4. I am the master of my mind and can control what goes on there.
5. I command all thoughts to be still and realise that ‘I am God’.

SITUATION NO. 48
I HAVE TO CHOSE BETWEEN WHAT I BELIEVE IS ETHICAL AND WHAT I BELIEVE IS NECESSARY FOR MY ECONOMIC ( OR SOCIAL OR PROFESSIONAL) SURVIVAL (FOR MYSELF OR FOR MY FAMILY). I FEEL CONFUSED, IN CONFLICT, GUILTY, FEARFUL AND IN DANGER.

LESSONS:
1. To realise that I am always safe in all situations, especially if I act according to the ethical codes established for our harmony with the universe.
2. To have the courage to do what is right and leave the results up to God.
3. To accept and love myself whatever I do.
4. To free myself from childhood conditioning which makes me feel insecure.
5. To free myself from the need for acceptance from the others.
6. To search inwardly and discover my own true values.
7. To be true to my self and not to what others expect of me.
8. To develop a deeper relationship with God.
9. To realise that I am loved by God, no matter what I do.
10. To realise that I am a cell in the body of society and that my every action affects the quality of that society.

KEYS TO FREEDOM:
1. I am acceptable and lovable whatever I do.
2. I am secure and safe whatever I do.
3. I am protected by the truth when live by it.
4. I act according to my inner conscience and leave the results to God.
5. My security is a divine matter not a matter of what I do with my will.
6. I am an immortal soul, which can never suffer harm.

SITUATION NO. 49

I AM A PERFECTIONIST AND THIS COSTS ME MUCH ENERGY, TIME AND CREATES MUCH ANXIETY AND CONFLICT WITH OTHERS. I FEEL ANXIETY, FEAR AND DANGER CONCERNING THE RESULTS OF MY EFFORTS AND CONFLICT WITH OTHERS AS THEY MAY PERHAPS SPOIL THE ‘RESULTS’, AND AS WELL, FEAR CONCERNING WHAT OTHERS WILL THINK ABOUT ME.

LESSONS:
1. That my worth as a person is not dependent upon the results of my efforts or what others think about me.
2. That I am not more lovable in God’s eyes because I have done more , or done it more perfectly.
3. To accept myself exactly as I am.
4. To accept and love others exactly as they are.
5. To realise that the results of any effort are produced by many factors, one of which is my effort.
6. To offer all the results up to God.
7. To discontinue measuring my self in relationship to the others.
8. To make time for relaxation and reflection in my life.
9. To free myself from past experiences which may have programed these feelings in me.
10. To see myself and all others as immortal souls in the process of evolution who are learning through every experience.

KEYS TO FREEDOM:
1. I accept and love myself exactly as I am in every moment regardless of the results of my efforts.
2. My self worth is absolute and does not change because of what I do or what others think.
3. I offer all results of all efforts to God.
4. I love and accept others exactly as they are.

LIST OF POSSIBLE ROLES

LIST OF POSSIBLE ROLES AS WELL AS CONDUCTS, REACTIONS AND MECHANISMS CREATED AS A RESULT OF PAST CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCES, AND BELIEFS.

Note:
1. Obviously most persons will manifest a variety of roles and of course may not manifest all the beliefs and behaviors listed for each role.

2. Also there will be many behaviors and beliefs which we have not mentioned here.

3. The numbers listed in some cases refer the childhood experiences found in the LIST OF POSSIBLE CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCES.

ROLE 1.

THE GOOD, THE RIGHTEOUS,THE SPIRITUAL

Key: I am worthy and secure if I am, (or appear to be) righteous, good and spiritual.

A. Some possible behaviors.
1. Tries to appear good, or righteous using appropriate deeds, words, and conduct.
2. Suppresses himself and/or others to act ‘righteously’ , even he does not feel or to believe in what is he is doing.
3. Criticizes, rejects or accuses others [and, secretly, himself] for mistakes ,inconsistencies or “bad behavior”.
4. “Advertises” in various ways, events which show how good, righteous or superior he is.
5. Hides “evil” secrets perhaps sexual, or some other “sin”.
6. Plays the role of the savior, the teacher, the counselor, the parent, etc.
7. Could fight and even kill for the “his cause”.
8. Feels superior to others.
9. He can also play the role of the unjustly treated one.
10. Tends to be fanatical.

B. He may have inner or outer conflicts with the roles of the evil one, the rebel, the indifferent one, the

C. Some of the childhood experiences which might possibly lead one to this role are those which made the child feel:
1. Injustice, creating the need to never be unjust, and to always be right and correct.
2. Demeaned, criticized, accused ,hurt, or rejected, creating a need to prove his worth through the role of the righteous, the good, and the just.
3. Guilt, and especially in respect to the fear of punishment from God. He then experiences a great need to be perfect and to never allow others see his mistakes. This is often an outward projection which covers his secret “sins”.
4.Being compared with others, caused him to need to appear perfect to others, in order to have their acceptance.
5. As a child he felt ashamed for his parents, or he rejected them.
6. Experienced some important adult playing this role of the”good, spiritual or righteous one”.

Just about all childhood experiences can lead to this role.

D. Many possible combinations of beliefs lead to and sustain this role.
Some of them are:
1. I will be accepted only if I am right., good, or spiritual.
2. I must do what the others consider right and good in order to have their approval.
3. If I am not good and righteous, God will punish me (He might also punish my children).
4. If I am or appear good, righteous and/or spiritual, I am superior to others.
5. I am worthy only if I am superior.
6. I am no good and I am not worthy as I am, and I have to be “good” or at least appear good so that others love me and accept me.

ROLE 2

THE PERFECT, THE CAPABLE,THE STRONG.

Key: I am worthy and safe if I am[or appear to be] capable, strong, perfect.

A. Some possible behaviors.
1. Takes over more responsibilities and activities than he is able to handle effectively in a relaxed way, with concentration, love, and without this gradually causing a negative effect on his emotional or physical state.
2. He seeks to “advertise” directly and indirectly how much he has done and how perfectly he can do it, i.e. How superior he is, and how worthy he is. He finds it difficult to give responsibilities to others, to trust that they will do something right or that they can solve their own problems.
3. He finds it difficult to allot responsibilities to others or to have faith in their abilities.
4. He finds it difficult to co operate with others:
a. So as to avoid sharing the results and the recognition.
b. Because the other might make a mistake and ruin the results and thus the recognition.
5. Criticizes, rejects and sometimes attacks weakness in others (and subconsciously in himself). Other peoples’ mistakes and weaknesses remind him of his own, which he cannot accept.
6. He finds it difficult to express his needs, fears or his pains, as they might be construed as weakness.
7. He might laugh when normally he would like to cry.
8. He can disregard the needs of those closest to him, so that he can achieve much, appearing strong and successful to others.
9. He might engage in dubious means in order to succeed.
10. He might confuse power with cruelty and senselessness.
11. He finds it difficult of express his needs or to accept help even if he is ill.
12. He finds it difficult to accept presents. He wants to give always more than he receives, in order to have always the upper hand in the transaction
13. He finds it difficult to express tenderness, affection and love, because he considers these expressions of weakness.
14. He might get entangled in obsessive thoughts, actions and obsessive various rituals while searching for perfection.

B. He might have an external or internal conflict with the roles of the weak, the unable, the lazy, the guilty, the unworthy, the victim, the child, the fearful, the sick, the indifferent ,the rebel, the subordinate, and the demeaned

C. Some of the childhood experiences that might possibly lead one to this role might be any of the following:
1. Feeling rejected concerning his abilities.
2. Feeling Injustice, pain, feeling demeaned or hurt, because of:
a. specific weaknesses he had.
b. his weakness in comparison to the power of the adults.
3.Feeling shame or rejection towards a parent and thus, the need to look like and to become a “successful” person.
5. Being compared with others.
6. Being made to feel guilty, that he is not good or he is not worthy.
7. Being abandoned, or feeling that he is alone in the world without support and thus he would have to be strong in order to survive.
8. He got the message that he is weak, lazy, incapable, and that he will not do anything at all in his life, and he will not be be accepted and secure.
9. He did not receive the affection, the love and the tenderness he needed so he decided to become strong, so that he “will not” need it.
10. He experienced sick people who were a burden for the others and decided not to be the same.
11. He experienced that weakness and need lead to dependency on and to suppression by those he was dependent on, and he decided not to need anyone, so as not to loose his freedom.
12. He came across a significant adult who played this role.

More often from experience: no 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,12, 13,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,25,27,30,31.

D. Some beliefs leading to this role:
1. I am worthy and secure only if I am strong, capable or perfect.
2. If my weaknesses or mistakes are apparent.
a. Others will reject me, they will demean me, they will ridicule me. I will lose their respect and their love.
b. I will be abandoned.
c. I will be used.
d. They will control me. They will have power over me and I will lose my freedom.
3. Whoever has weaknesses:
a. Is not worthy.
b. Is vulnerable and he will get hurt, he will suffer from the others and from life.
4. Life is difficult, hard and there is no protection ,or support. I must be strong in order to survive.
5. I am the only force in my life.
6. Others are incapable of doing anything right. I cannot trust them. They will ruin the results.
7. My strength, my capability, and my perfection are measured by the results of my efforts and not so much by my motives or my effort itself.
8. One’s worth depends upon his capabilities and his achievements.
9. I must be perfect in everything in order to be worthy.

ROLE 3

THE VICTIM, THE ABUSED, THE MARTYR

Key 1. Others created my reality and are to blame for my present situation.
Key 2. Since the abuser is unjust and wrong, the abused is just and right, and therefore, virtuous and good.
Key 3. I do not deserve something better. I cannot have anything better in my life.

A. Some possible conducts:
1.He does not express his feelings or his needs. Therefore others do not respect them and thus, he gains the right to remain in the role of the victim
2. He often sacrifices himself, even when others do not ask him to or even do not want him to.
3. He does not allow himself time for rest, enjoyment, recreation, or techniques which might bring him health, vitality, peace, and happiness. Happiness is not “allowed” in this role.
4. He often complains about life’s injustices and problems.
5. He finds a lot of reasons why his problems cannot be solved or why he cannot do anything to solve them.
6. He expects others to solve his problems.
7. He is more prone to illness or pain. He may also be able to endure or suffer these pains. These wounds of the “hero, received from the battle of life” make him feel worthy.
8. Occasionally, he is a “silent victim” or a “silent martyr” and he suffers without either expressing his pain in words, or his needs.
9. He usually withdraws when there are conflicts of needs or values, he might remain a silent victim or complain directly or indirectly.
10. Some of the weapons he uses to protect himself are:
a. Sickness, which forces others to pay attention to him and not ask much from him.
b. Sickness, pain and/or unhappiness, for which the others are to blame, and thus they are guilty and he is okay.
c. Whining and complaining without effective direct confrontation.
11. Complaining to a third party, about the problems he has with others.
12. He might undermine himself with alcohol, food, cigarettes, medicine, drugs etc.
13. He might test the love of the people nearer to him with a negative behavior which in the end pushes them away, and once more this event confirms to him that he is a victim.

B. He might have a conflict both internally or externally with the roles of the strong, the superior, the bad, the rebel, the parent, the child, the judge, and the liberated..

C. Some important childhood experiences that could possibly lead in such a role are:
1. Some form of injustice from the environment (criticism, fear, rejection, punishment, beating, violence, rape, pain, hurt, humiliation e.t.c.]
2. His inability to protect himself.
3. A parent or another important person playing this role.
4. Someone who made the child feel guilty and responsible for others’ problems.
5. Guilt through messages from his environment, that he is not worthy of having a good and a happy life.
6. Born female in discriminating countries and being programmed that because she is a woman she does not deserve something better.
7. Being born into a social class which is discriminated against.
8. Not being able fulfill his needs as a child.
9. Being a child was the only way for him or someone else, to have the attention of the others[ e.g. through illness or through problems].
10. When as a child he believed that he is responsible for how others are or feel, and that he must sacrifice himself for them.
11. As a child he believed that he needs the others and without them he cannot survive or progress .Therefore he must suppress himself in order to have their love and their protection.
12. He was a spoiled child and now cannot always have what he wants.

Often through the experiences: No 1,2,3,4,5,6,8,9,11,12,14,15,16,17,18, 19,20,22,23,24,25, 26,28, 29,30,31.

D. Beliefs which might lead in such a role:
1. Others are responsible for my reality, my problems, my happiness and my unhappiness, my health and my sickness.
2. I have been unjustly treated by others, life, God.
3. I do not deserve anything better. I cannot have anything better.
4. As long as I am a victim I am right, because the others are unjust. As long as I am a victim then I am right and I am worthy, perhaps even superior.
5. I cannot protect my self from others. If there is a conflict I will get hurt, I will be in pain. It is better to withdraw and to suppress and sacrifice my self.
6. I am responsible for others so I must sacrifice myself for them.
7. I am a subordinate being and I do not have the right to express my needs, my feelings, or my beliefs.
8. If I do not withdraw I will be hurt.
9. I am incapable of facing life alone. I need the others, and for this reason I must suffer injustice so as not to be abandoned.
10. I am guilty and I do not deserve anything better.
12. I am a woman and my role is to sacrifice my self.

ROLE 4

THE WEAK, THE UNABLE, THE SICK, THE CHILD, THE DEPENDENT, INCAPABLE

Key: I am not able to face the difficulties of life.
Key 2: Life is difficult and dangerous.

A. Some possible behaviors.
1. He tries to find someone to take over the responsibility for his life (possibly someone who plays the role of the parent, the savior, the teacher, the strong e.t.c)
2. He becomes lazy as a result of fear.
3. He may become physically paralyzed (mainly in the legs) or emotionally (He cannot work, or sometimes, even to go out of the house.)
4. He becomes ill in order not to face life.
5. He avoids finishing school; he does complete his diploma, so he “cannot” face life.
6. He ruins his chances for success, health, and happiness, by getting addicted to alcohol, cigarettes, overeating, narcotics etc.
7. He gets trapped in various obsessive habits, thoughts and rituals engaging his time and his thoughts in order to not be aware of life around him.
8. He creates codependent relationships where he feels that must have the other and often he feels suppressed and abused by him/her.
9. He absorbs himself in various activities with the intention of occupying his mind and his time in order not to face life.
10. He avoids people or seeks company with specific people with whom he feels secure.
11. He praises and flatters others so that they will accept him, and then he can lean on them.
12. He accuses others for his present situation, so that they will feel guilty and take care of him.
13. He often asks for financial support. He finds it difficult to remain in a specific job.
14. He finds it difficult to be punctual and efficient towards responsibilities, disciplines programs and partnerships, not because he is incapable of doing so, but because then, his thoughtform will not be valid anymore and he will be a responsible person. If he becomes responsible then there is the danger:
a. That he might fail and then he would feel rejection again.
b. He would need to face life alone, and this is a great “risk and danger” because he doesn’t have self acceptance.
15. He uses his health, his unhappiness or even his life (commits suicide) to “blackmail” the ones he feels “responsible” (usually his family) to take care of him and to take responsibility for him.
16. He underestimates his abilities and his virtues.
17. He does not want to grow up and to have responsibilities.
18. He tests the others’ love in various ways.
19. He speaks of how incapable, bad and unworthy he is and how much he is a burden for others. So, whoever is listening to him would tell him the opposite and thus he would gain affirmation.

B. He may have an internal or external conflict with the role of the parent, the teacher, authority, the savior, the victim, the powerful, the perfect , the right, and the capable.

C. Some childhood experiences leading to similar roles:
1. He did not receive the care, attention, love, and / or affection he needed as a child. Now he receives them through this role.
2. He had a very powerful and successful person as an ideal and he does not believe he can attain that level of achievement.
3. He experienced violence, criticism, accusation, rejection, rape, danger, or comparison with others.
4. He was spoilt and was not allowed to do anything, to confront anything, to take any responsibilities.
5. He was told he was lazy, good for nothing, and that he would not be able to achieve anything in his life.
6. He experienced many illnesses as a child and the thoughtform of being weak , and needing protection ,was created as a result.
7. He had older siblings responsible for him and he did not cultivate abilities of his own.
8. He was forced to take over a lot of responsibilities as a child. And because he did not enjoy either the freedom of being a child, nor support from another, now he has the need to have this experience. He wants to be a child and to be taken care of.
9. He experienced very strict parents who did not permit him any form of expression and freedom.
10. His parents gave him the message they expected much from him in life, as he is a “special child”.

More often from the experiences : No 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,12,13,14,15,16,17,18, 19, 20,21, 22,24,25,26,27,28,29,30,31.

D. Some beliefs that may lead towards these roles:
1. I am unable to face the difficulties of life.
2. I am not able to fulfill my parents expectations.
3. They will reject me if I try and fail. It is better not to risk it.
4. Life is difficult and dangerous.
5. I need my parents (or my partner, siblings etc.) in order to feel safe . Without them I am in danger.
6. I am weak, I am not clever or talented. I do not have any qualifications. I am not worthy and I will not be able to succeed.
7. I do not have the discrimination in order to take my own decisions. I need the others to tell me what to do.
8. If I grow up I will have to take responsibility for my life.
a. I will lose my purity. Grown ups are wicked and immoral. God will not love me .
b. I will fail.
c. Others will not take care of me.
d. I will be fatigued, I will be deprived of my easy living.

ROLE 5

THE GUILTY, THE SINNER, THE BAD, THE EVIL ONE
Key 1: I am guilty, I am a sinner, I am no good.
Key 2: I am not worthy of love , acceptance, or help from man or God.
Key 3: I am in danger (I am unprotected, subject to punishment)

A. Some possible ways of conduct:

EFFORT
1. He tries to prove his worth through:
a. Professional and social success.
b. Good deeds and sacrifices towards others.
c. Service towards others.
d. Speaking of his good actions.
e. Says how bad and incapable he is so that others around him will tell him the opposite.
f. Rejects, criticizes, accuses others for their sins and guilt.

SELF DESTRUCTION
2. He undermines his health, happiness, success and the progress in his relationships:
a. By becoming addicted in food, sweets, alcohol, cigarettes, medicines, sedatives, drugs anything which would “numb” his mind, so as avoid experiencing pain and fear.
b. Breaks his relationships, usually testing the others’ love and the dedication with negative behavior, in order to push them away and to prove once more that “no one” can love him.
c. Sabotages his successes at the last minute, breaks or tests relationships in various ways.
d. He does not make efforts which might him liberate himself from his problems.

SURRENDERING TO THE ROLE
3. He acts as the “guilty, the bad, the cruel, the sinner, the incapable”
a. He does not take the others’ needs into consideration.
b. He becomes “selfish” without feelings for others.
c. He commits crimes (lies, cheats, steals, kills, takes advantage of).
d. Criticizes, accuses, rejects and hurts others.
e. Generally he becomes “bad” out of bitterness, guilt and self rejection.
f. He hates “goodness” and fights against it.
4. He takes on a lot more work than he is able to execute in a peaceful manner, and looses his love and also his health in order to prove his worth.
5. He becomes easily upset, stressed and angry. He expects the worst from every situation or problem.
6. He cannot be at peace when others are not happy or satisfied, as he feels it is his fault.
7. Allows others to abuse him.
8. He does not allow time for his personal well being.
9. Sees everyone as superior, better than him.
10. Lives with the concept of a continuous “must” in his mind. He does a lot of things because he must in order to be “good” and not because he loves doing it, or even wants to do it.
11. He cannot accept criticism at all, or even advice, because this would arouse his already present feelings of self rejection.
12. He might demand of himself to be perfect in some area of his life (usually cleanliness, tidiness and appearance).
13. He perceives himself as selfish and he rejects himself for that.
14. He finds it difficult to ask for help, as he does not “deserve” it.
15. He finds it difficult to see, to hear about or accept his qualities.
16. He is afraid that “punishment” will arrive sometime soon. “Life cannot be beautiful” .
17. He is afraid of illness and of death (forms of punishment).
18. He finds it difficult to say “no” or says “no” in an angry way because of fear of saying “no.”
19. He gets angry when he does not receive acceptance from others – then he feel unworthy.

B. He may have an internal or external conflict with the roles of the bad, the right, the child, the parent, the capable, the perfect, the weak, the savior, the teacher, and the role of any authority.

C. Some childhood experiences which may lead one to these roles are:
1. The child he received the message that he is bad, unworthy, guilty or was rejected in various ways:
a. He was told so by their criticism, their accusation and by their rejection.
b. The parent himself was guilty, not good, rejected.
c. She was a girl, or child born in a certain social class, religion, or race which was considered subordinate.
d. He was told that has badly “sinned”.
e. He was told that God does not pardon, but rather, punishes the guilty.
f. His parents had serious problems and were unable to demonstrate stability and love towards their children, so the child concluded that “I am not worthy -I am bad”
g. The parents did not have time for the child.
h. A parent died and the child took it as an abandonment or as a punishment.
2. The child experienced violence or cruelty. The child came to a conclusion that “I am guilty – the others are right”
3. They caught the child playing with his genitals (alone or with other children) and he was told that he committed a sin, that he was evil.
4. Someone was hurt and the child was told that it was his fault.
5. The child was frequently told about his guilt and about God’s punishment.
6. The child was sexually approached / molested and he/she felt guilty, that it was his/her fault.
7. He hated someone for the other’s conduct and finally the other died or some other calamity befell him .The child feels he is responsible.
8. He was programmed to feel responsible for others in general, and for whatever bad may befall them.

More frequently form experiences such as: No. 1,,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,11,12,13, 14,15,16,17,18,19,21,22,23,24,25,30,31.

D. Some beliefs that may lead to wards these roles:
1. I am guilty ,bad, and I am not worthy because:
a. I have sinned .
b. I was not given love and affection by others and this means that I am not worthy.
c. I was told by others that I am not worthy.
d. I was abandoned by others (or they died) which means that I am not worthy (or that they do not love me; or it was God’s punishment).
e. I failed to become perfect.
f. I failed to satisfy others.
g. I failed to protect others.
h. I failed to create a reality without problems for the others (then siblings, now children , partners, parents)
i. I belong to a subordinate sex, race, religion, social class.
j. I am not clever, capable, successful.
k. God does not love me (I was told by my parents, grandparents)
l. Whoever makes mistakes is guilty, a sinner.

3. God does not pardon, he hates and punishes the sinners, my mistakes cannot be pardoned.
4. Whoever makes mistakes does not deserve to have a good time, to have good health, to be happy, successful, and be respected.
5. I am responsible for how others feel and I am guilty if they are not happy and satisfied.
6. I am guilty when others criticize or accuse me or when they complain or are not happy.
7. I am unworthy when others do not trust me.
8. I am unworthy when I do not reach my goals.
9. I am unworthy because:
a. eat too much.
b. smoke.
c. drink alcohol.
d. do not work hard enough.
e. my children have problems.
f. others are not satisfied with me.
g. I don’t do what I could do
h. do not help as I much as I could.
i. have sexual urges.
10. I am unworthy no matter what I do.
11. I do not deserve that others would respect my needs.
12. I will be punished. Something bad will happen to me or to my family..
13. All others are good, I am unworthy.
14. I must do a lot more than others in order to be worthy.
15. When I am criticized or someone raises his voice at me, means that I am in danger and not worthy.
16. I must be perfect (in cleanliness, tidiness, order, appearance) to be deserve love and acceptance.
17. I am selfish.
18. I do not have the right to ask others for help.
19. No one can love me.
20. I do not have the right to say “no”.

ROLE 6

THE PARENT THE SAVIOR,THE TEACHER,THE RESPONSIBLE

Key 1: I am responsible for the others’ reality.
Key 2: Without me. the others cannot progress, cannot be well.
Key 3: Its my fault if the others are not well.

A. Some possible conducts:
1. He gets worries about others. He becomes stressful about their situations and their problems.
2. He advises them and he tries to control them, he even exerts pressure on them (for “their own good”, or prevents them making a mistake and thus possibly ruining his “results”).
3. He criticizes and rejects others when they make mistakes or when they do not follow his directions or orders.
4. He gives advise even to those who do not ask for it .
5. He cannot feel at peace when others have problems. He thinks he has to solve their problems himself.
6. He gets disappointed when others do not follow his advice.
7. He rejects himself for not being able to “save’ others , or to solve their problems.
8. He attracts to himself people with problems.
9. He finds it difficult to confess or express his weaknesses, his needs, his fears or his problems . He fears that in doing so, others will see his faults and lose respect for him.
10. He finds it difficult to express his feelings.
11. He ignores his own problems and he occupies himself with the problems of others.

B. He may have internal or external conflicts with the roles of the child, the rebel, the bad, the guilty, the suppressed, the victim, and with other people who also play the role of the teacher, the savior or the parent.

C. Some childhood experiences leading to roles such as these are:
1. He experienced someone who played this role in his childhood environment.
2. He was programmed that to be worthy he should:
a. posses a powerful position.
b. advise others.
c. be cleverer than others.
d. save others.
e. not have problems.
f. sacrifice himself for the whole.
3. As a child he experienced pain, injustice, was humiliated because of some weakness, and he decided not to ever experience that role again, so he takes the role of the superior one – the one with no problems.
4. He was programmed to feel responsible for others and for whatever is happening to them. He now continues playing this role as an adult.
5. He felt shame and rejection for one or more of his parents and he thus decided not to become like him/her, but to be superior to them.
6. He experienced abandonment and now he tries to find a way of making himself indispensable to others.
7. He did not experience enough affection, tenderness or love and he is seeking to find these through these roles.
8. He was made to doubt his worth and he is searching through these roles to find it.
9. As a child he had to look after a sick person and he is continuing in the same role.
10. He was told that he would not achieve anything in his life and now he is trying to prove them wrong.
11. He had a teacher or a parent who did not play his role well, and the child decided to play the same role correctly when he grows up.
12. Others were not trustworthy or punctual and he decides to take a power role.
13. He experienced suppression, now using these roles, he feels freer.

Usually from experiences. No 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,11, 12,13,15, 16,17,18,19, 20,21,22, 23, 25,26, 27,29,30,31.

D. Some beliefs which might sustain these roles are:
1. I am responsible for the others’:
a. health
b. happiness.
c. success.
d. harmony.
e. evolution.
f. security.
g. for whatever is happening to them.
2. If I am not able to create a perfect reality for them, I have failed in my role and I am not worthy.
3. If others are not happy with me, I have therefore failed and I am not worthy.
4. If others do not trust me, I am not worthy.
5. If others do not listen to me, do not obey me, do not follow my advice, then I am incapable in this role, and I am unworthy.
6. If I am no good in my role, I will not be respected , I will be unworthy of their esteem. I will end up alone. I am in danger.
7. If I am not in control of things around me, anything can go wrong. I cannot trust others. If I am not in control, I am in danger.
8. If I show weakness or needs or if I have vices:
a. I will be rejected, I will not be wanted, I am in danger.
b. My weaknesses will be used as a means to hurt me, I am in danger.
9. I am worthy only if I am in the position of authority- i.e. teacher, savior, parent. Only then can I feel safe and secure.
10. If I am needed (as a teacher, a parent, a savior), I will not be abandoned . I will not be alone.
11. Alone, I am in danger.
12. If I am needed, I will be loved and I will receive what I need from others.
13. In this role I can be in control.

ROLE 7

THE REBEL THE REVOLUTIONARY,THE NEGATIVE,THE ANTAGONIST.

Key 1. My freedom and justice are in danger.
Key 2: I have to fight for freedom and justice.
Key 3: I need the others.

A. Some possible conducts:

REACTION
1. Does the opposite of:
a. What he is told.
b. What he thinks others want from him.
c. “Must do”
d. What society asks
e. What is “right” , “good”.

SELF DESTRUCTION
2. He is destructive to himself
a. using various substances; food, alcohol , cigarettes, medicine, sedatives, drugs.
b. by having relationships with negative people who as a result ruin his happiness.
c. by avoiding success by being inconsistent, reacting negatively, being lazy.
d. by fighting against others.
In these ways he rejects his parents’ and society’s concept of happiness and “success”.
Self destruction is also a “weapon” he uses to hurt those who have suppressed him and treated him badly.

BATTLE
3. He fights against those whom he considers “bad – evil” people, or the unfair and abusers, top dogs.
a. Criticizes, accuses, rejects, and wants to change people he thinks represent evil or authority.
b. Behaves aggressively or violently.
c. In every discussion he will find something he doesn’t agree with. Whether the subject is important or not, is irrelevant. (Inwardly he might even agree.)
d. Presses others to believe what he believes. He finds it difficult to experience unity with those who have different beliefs or habits.

NON PARTICIPATION
4. He does not participate in social functions or in whatever he considers a source of injustice such as:
a. Church, religion, spirituality, philosophy.
c. Socially accepted activities
d. Socially accepted dress
e. Language of the norm.
f. Money.
g. Family activities.

INNER CONFLICT
5. In reality, he is not in conflict with others, but with a part of himself that still:
a. Accepts social, religious, political beliefs.
b. Believes he needs to do or have what the society says to be worthy and secure.
c. Is afraid to be alone without the affirmation and protection of those very ideas he rejects.
d. He rejects the part of himself which resembles to others. When he is liberated from these inner conflicts, he will not need to react outwardly any more.
6. He tests the others’ love with a negative behavior.
7. He does not admit being grateful, and pretends not to be .

B. He is in frequent conflict with the roles of the righteous, the good, the savior, the teacher, the parent ,and authority.

C. Some childhood experiences possibly leading to similar roles:
1. Suppression from parents, teachers and others.
2. Injustice, rejection, humiliation, hurt, criticism. Violence towards himself or towards others in his environment.
3. He has lived social injustices e.g. military occupation, dictatorship, racism.
4. He experienced an adult who played these roles (rebel, revolutionary etc.)
5. He was told that he is no good, he is incapable, and that he will achieve nothing in his life.
6. He had an ideal he believes he cannot “reach” and thus he rejects it.
7. His self worth was rejected.
8. He was told that he could not make it alone in life.
9. He had to either agree with others or do what they wanted, in order to receive their love.
10. He experienced abandonment and he interpreted it as an injustice.
11. Sick people in his environment were the cause for his loss of freedom.
12. He/she experienced rape, or was sexually abused.
13. He was frequently told about guilt and the punishment from God.
14. As a child he came in contact with hypocrisy on a large scale.
15. One of the parents was unfaithful to the other.
16. He was a spoilt child and he does not have self confidence, he feels dependent, and he reacts negatively towards dependency.

Usually through experiences No 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18, 19,20,21,22,23,24,25,26,27,28,29,30,31.

D. Some beliefs able to sustain roles such as these.
1. I am in danger from, parents, teachers, authority.
2. I might lose my:
a. freedom.
b. dignity.
c. my worth.
d. security.
3. I might be treated unjustly, I might get hurt, or humiliated.
4. I am weak, incapable, vulnerable. I cannot succeed in this society.
a. to be successful
b. to protect my self
c. to become happy.
5. I need others, society, and / or family for my security and my happiness.
6. I need the other’s approval. I am not worthy, I am insecure without their approval and support.
7. I am not clever. I do not have inner knowledge and strength in order to live my life without others.
8. I am in danger when others do not agree with me because:
a. I might not be right.
b. I need them.
c. they might use control over me and I will get hurt
9. If I do not react they might think they are right and I will lose my rights and my strength.
10. If I appear to destroy myself, this will upset them and make them feel guilty.
11. When others agree with me then I am right, then I am worthy and safe.
12. I have to fight for liberty and justice.
13. I am not loved, thus I must protect my self from others.
14. This is a war of control. If I do not fight I will lose my freedom.
15. If I admit that they are right they will use this against me on another occasion.
16. People are hypocrites and are underhanded, I cannot trust them.
17. I will never be able to achieve as much as my parent (other). It is better if I do not participate at all. I should reject the whole success game.
18. I am a girl (woman) and I must protect my rights in a man’s world.
19. I am a victim of racism and I must protect my self.

ROLE 8

THE CLEVER,THE WELL INFORMED,THE SUPERIOR,THE EXPERT,THE COUNSELOR.

Key 1: Whoever knows best, is more worthy.
Key 2: I must appear knowledgeable to be accepted, loved or respected.
Key 3: Then I will be accepted, I will be loved and I will be safe and secure.

A. Some possible behaviors:
1. He talks too much stating information with the intention of making his knowledge evident. Sometimes directly and at others indirectly through questions or references indicating his “knowledge”.
2. He enters quite easily in an “competitive discussion” with the intention of showing others how much he knows (whether the subject is important for him or not it’s irrelevant).
3. He easily takes opposition view for the sake of an argument.
4. He usually refers to various books, teachers and other sources.
5. He gives advises or even orders.
6. If you do not follow his advise, he gets upset and he even might attack you.
7. He talks abundantly about irrelevant details.
8. He admires people with a vast knowledge or ” a quick mind” while he rejects others with limited knowledge and a slow mind.
9. He is afraid perhaps there are others in the company who would “appear cleverer” and thus he would lose his position, the others’ respect and thus his self worth.
10. He uses various strategies in order to win battles at home, at work and in this manner he attracts negative emotions from others.
11. He may speak degradingly about others with “less knowledge”
12. He gets bored among a company where he cannot use his brain.
13. He frequently plays the game of “who is right”.
14. He tends to be ironic, sarcastic and sometimes even mock others.

B. He gets into a conflict with others playing the same role. Also with the powerful, the teachers, the saviors, the parents, the perfect.

C. Some childhood experiences leading to these roles:
1. The child received the message that knowledge creates value, superiority, and security.
2. He has been hurt, rejected, demeaned because of lack of knowledge or lack of swiftness in the mind. .
3. He has been hurt or rejected for other reasons (e.g. beauty, physical strength, social characteristics) and he learned to regard his intelligence as his only asset, so he decides that without it he has no value at all.
4. He is ashamed of or rejects one of his parents for his limited mental capacities and he decides not to ever become like that.
5. He experienced a parent or another important person playing this role.
6. He realized that through intelligence and a quick mind he could avoid work or negative situations.
7. By being clever, he or someone else received the admiration or the attention and love of others.
8. He experienced abandonment, and he felt lonely and he decided that he must be very clever in order to survive.
9. He has been compared with others:
a. that he was less worthy.
b. he was more worthy.
10. His parents needed badly (for their own survival or security) their child to get an education.
11. They told the child that he is not clever and that he will never do anything in his life.

Usually from experiences No 1,2,3,4,6,7,8,11,12,13,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23, 26,27,29, 30,31.

D. Some possible beliefs able to sustain these roles.
1. My self worth is measured according to my intelligence.
2. My intelligence is measured by:
a. how it is compared with others.
b. how much information it contains.
c. how swiftly it functions.
d. how correct it is.
e. how much others admire it or show with by their behavior that they respect it.
3. I do not know much. I have no self worth. I will be rejected.
4. I will not be wanted. I will remain alone, and then I am in danger.
5. I must learn a lot, I must cultivate my mind.
6. I must show others that my mind is sharp, so I will be accepted and loved, and then I will be safe and secure.
7. If there is another person more knowledgeable than me, he would be loved more. I must show them, that I know more than him. I must belittle him and aggrandize my self.
8. If I have more knowledge than others I can:
a. control them, use them and rule them.
b. reject them.
c. make them need me, and then I will be worthy and secure.
9. I will not be able to be clever enough compared with others. I will reject the whole game. (Then he abandons this role and plays other ones e.g. the rebel, the lazy one, the revolutionary, the incapable, the sick etc.)
10. I must never accept that the other is right because in this way I will lose my self worth.
11. Life is difficult and I am alone, I must be clever in order to survive.
12. Only the intelligent receive love, attention and the tenderness they need.
13. I owe it my parents to gain an education, and to become well known for my education and knowledge .
14. I must show them how much I am worth.
15. I am responsible for others and for my self, so I must be clever.
16. If I am clever, I can protect my self from exploitation and cruelty from others.
17. I do not want to be like my parent.

ROLE 9

THE INDIFFERENT, THE IRRESPONSIBLE, THE LIBERATED , THE SNOTTY, THE SENSELESS,THE EVASIVE ONE

Key 1. Whoever has responsibilities or does not meet with his obligations to wards them is in danger.
Key 2. I will either suffer or fail if I accept responsibilities.

A. Some possible conducts:
1. Avoids responsibilities as much as possible, (not due to laziness, but because he doubts his capacities for success).
2. Seems indifferent, insensitive towards matters quite important to others.
3. He lets others solve his problems.
4. He feels oppression and injustice easily.
5. Allows matters to linger until the last minute.
6. He walks out from relationships, jobs and responsibilities when he feels overly pressured.
7. He may criticize or mock people who “take things seriously”
8. He takes on responsibilities or gives promises, but he is conscientious in executing them.
9. Says “yes, you are right, I will change, I will become more responsible” but does nothing about it.
10. He complains that he is being suppressed, and is not allowed creative freedom.
11. He criticizes the system in general.
12. He rejects himself on account of his mistakes, in order to hear the opposite, -that it does not matter, that it’s O.K.
13. He may not speak much. He may not express himself much.

B. He gets into a conflict with the roles of the teacher, the righteous, the responsible, the savior, the clever, the parent, the powerful, and the efficient.

C. Some childhood experiences leading to such roles;
1. He experienced rejection, humiliation, hurt, fear and thus, decided not to have anything to do with the outer world.
2. He had very negative experiences concerning situations of responsibility (e.g. responsibilities towards siblings.)
3. Experienced failure in some of his efforts.
4. He was told he is incapable and he will never do anything in his life.
5. He was compared to others and:
a. he was told he was inferior (he will never make it)
b. he was told he was superior (and he must always be the best-top -in order to be worthy.)
6. Realized that he had to be very effective, in order to be respected and loved, that he is not worthy if he is not efficient and effective.
7. He had the experience of an ideal person in this role.
8. He had the experience of an ideal person playing the role of the strong, the capable, the successful, the perfect , and out of reaction the child abandons and rejects the effort. “I will not be able to make it.”
9. He experienced abandonment and he decided that he is incapable, so others should take care of him.
10. He did not receive much attention, tenderness and love and so using this role now, others will take care of him.
11. A parent failed somehow.
12. He was a spoilt child and he never learned to do anything for himself and for others.

C. Usually through experiences: No 1,2,3,4,6,7,8,12,13,15,16,17,18, 19,20,21, 22,23,25,26,27,28,29,30,31.

D. Some beliefs able to sustain roles such as these:
1. I am worthy as long as I achieve a lot of things, as long as I am capable.
2. Having a lot of responsibilities and being able to successfully deal with them, gives one self worth.
3. But I am not worthy because I can’t, because.
a. life is difficult.
b. I am not clever, able, or strong enough.
c. I might fail.
4. If I try and fail, I will be rejected and I will be alone and then I am in danger.
5. It is better if I do not try to play, I am not interested, so I reject this game.
6. If I accept responsibilities, I will exhaust myself and I will suffer. If I do nothing, others will take over.
7. Others are more competent than I am.
8. I reject their neurotic and stressful life .
9. It’s better not to play at all, than to play and lose.
10. If I activate myself,f they will think that I don’t need them, they will not pay any attention to me any more.
11. Responsibility carries with it criticism from others.
12. Since God punishes our mistakes, I will do nothing so I shall not make a mistake.
13. I do not want to fail like my parent.
14. I am a spoilt child, I must be taken care of.

ROLE 10

THE GENERAL,THE DICTATOR,THE AGGRESSIVE, THE AGGRESSOR

Key 1. My worth and my security are in danger.
Key 2. I must protect my self and others from the battle of life.
Key 3. Strength is the solution for everything.

A. Some possible behaviors:
1. Shout, accuses, rejects, demeans others when :
a. they make a mistake.
b. they do not function according to his concepts, instructions or orders.
2. He finds it difficult to be democratic in his relationships with others.
3. He is always right and others are wrong.
4. Cultivates fear in order to gain obedience and the cooperation from others.
5. He usually has double standards: for himself and for others.
6. He is usually very sensitive and vulnerable, behind all this toughness.
7. He considers himself superior and he expects others to serve him.
8. He attacks before anyone has the chance to do the same.

B. He has conflicts more frequently, both inwardly or/and outwardly with the roles of the child, the guilty, the victim, the fearful, the incapable, the teacher, the parent and with others playing the same roles as he.

C. Some childhood experiences leading to this roles:
1. He experienced someone playing these roles.
2. He himself was a victim of these roles as a child.
3. He experienced injustice and he decided that life is difficult and that he has to protect himself aggressively.
4. He experienced a lot of anger as a child, and this anger is now surging out towards the people closest to him.
5. He was a spoilt child, and now he feels that everyone should serve him.
6. He was ashamed of one of his parents for being ” weak” and for being used, and he has decided that he is going to be tough.
7. He was programmed that God punishes. He might also believe that he is the “hand of God” keeping order in the world.
8. He experienced humiliation, so he considers this role the only security he possesses, so that nothing like this ever happens again.
9. He doubts his self worth and his mental capacities and he conceals all these with this role, in order to regain his worth.
10. He heard that men are like this.
11. As a woman she might decide that this is the only way to protect herself.
12. He was made to feel bad, sinful, unjust, so he accepts this role, it fits him.
13. He learned that he is responsible for others and he found this role effective in order to be obeyed .

Usually from experiences: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,12,13,14,15,16, 17,18,19,22,23, 24,25, 26,27,28,29,30,31.

D. Some beliefs able to sustain roles such as these.
1. I am not worthy, I am in danger, my security is in danger.
2. Life and people in general ad dangerous, difficult and I will be hurt.
3. I must be tough and aggressive in order to be:
a. worthy.
b. superior.
c. keep them at a distance, so I will not get hurt.
4. I do not want to be “stepped on” like my father (my mother).
5. I am alone in this life. No one cares about me. If I do not take care of myself, nobody will do so.
6. I am the only one who is right. They must listen to me and obey me.
7. No one loves me. I was not given the love and affection I needed. Others must pay for this.
8. Only the powerful, the leader is worthy.
9. I must keep them at a distance so as not to get hurt.
10. Since they consider me to be a bad and unfair person anyway, let it be thus.
11. I am responsible for others. If I do not give orders using a little fear, there’s going to be problems. I will not be in a position to be in control.

ROLE 11

THE PARTNER, THE SPOUSE.

Key 1: My self worth depends on how good a partner I am.
Key 2: I must be a good partner in order to be worthy and safe.

A. Some possible behaviors:
1. He tries to receive affirmation concerning his self worth and his security through the other in various ways:
a. by receiving tenderness, caressing, affection, embrace, and sex.
b. receiving positive words of affirmation.
c. being together.
d. having exclusivity (the other loves and wants only me)
2. He gets upset and becomes negative when he does not receive the above affirmations.
3. He gets upset when his partner:
a. is not well, happy, successful.
b. is not happy with him.
c. shows a interest – love to others.
d. shows interest in other activities where he cannot or does not want to participate.
e. does not agree with him on various matters.
4. Has conflicts with his partner concerning needs and values.
5. Loves and gives special support and affection to the partner.
6. He becomes devoted and gives a lot of energy and time in order to make his partner happy.
7. He does not find any other reason for life except this role, he is in constant fear of losing his partner (and thus lose the only source of security, self esteem and reason for existence.)
8. He might be bored of the role and wish for freedom:
a. He does not participate fully.
b. He is away a lot, and when he is there, the connection is not substantial.
c. He might create parallel relationships.
9. He may play anyone of the other roles in relation to his partner e.g. the child, the parent, the dictator, the savior, the rebel, the perfect one, the powerful, the weak, the incapable, the sick, the fearful ,the indifferent, the irresponsible, etc.
10. Competes with his partner in relation to who is more right, intelligent, good, powerful, abused, successful, effective, spiritual, etc.
11. Competes for the acceptance, love, and admiration of the children.

B. He would have various conflicts with his partner, in respect to other roles he plays in the relationship. This role might clash with other roles he needs to play as a parent, a businessman, a child (of his parents).
1. All childhood experiences construct this role, they can however be divided into specific categories:
a. All impressions about close relationships he gained from his parents or others.
b. All the messages he received (from actions or situations)
1. about marriage.
2. about men.
3. about women.
c. All the messages he received about himself.
d. All the messages he received about life.
e. All the messages about when one is worthy and when one is safe and secure.
2. He will react in various ways towards these messages and experiences.
a. Being programmed subconsciously and he would function in a manner similar to that of his parents.
b. It is possible (at least in his first relationships – if he has more than one) to attract a partner who would treat him:
1. In the same way he was treated by one or both his parents.
2. In the same way one parent treated the other. e.g. replay scenes he experienced as a child receiving and experiencing, to a great extend similar treatment as before. In many cases, he himself will play the role of the parent towards the other partner (or the children) in the same manner he himself experienced it from his parents.
c. He will react (rejecting the conduct of one of the parents) and he will try not to “repeat ” the same mistakes. (But as long as the rejection exists, he will possibly not be able to liberate himself from this behavior mechanism he rejects.)

D. Some beliefs able to sustain roles such as these:
1. I am a woman (man) (and not an eternal soul without gender)
2. My self worth depends upon my partner.
a. Whether I have a partner.
b. Whether he/she loves and takes care only of me.
c. Whether she/he gives me what I need.
d. Whether she/he is happy with me.
e. Whether she/he is healthy, happy, successful.
f. Whether others accept and approve of her/him.
3. My security depends upon my partner:
a. Whether he/she loves me exclusively.
b. Whether he/she is strong, stable, and successful.
c. Whether she/he is honest, calm
d. whether… other …..
4. A person alone by himself cannot be safe and secure.
5. A person alone is not socially acceptable.

ROLE 12

MAN / WOMAN

Key 1. I am a man / woman..
Key 2. My self worth is dependent on how affirmed I am in this role.

A. Some possible behaviors:
1. Tries to prove his/her worth.:
a. by appearing powerful, indifferent, tough, with no weaknesses.
b. by appearing good, right, perfect.
c. by professional and financial success.
d. by knowledge and mental clarity.
e. by being able to express emotions and needs.
f. by being sexually attractive to / successful with the opposite sex.
g. by having a strong or attractive body
h. by being aggressive and having a loud voice.
i. by doing a lot of things, being engaged in many activities.
j. by appearing spiritual and pure.
k. by not accepting arguments, acting as a dictator.

2. Tries to win the others attention (and thus security and self worth)
a. through illness.
b. through weakness, fear or emotional problems.
c. through sexuality.
d. through conflict and aggressiveness.
e. flirting with others.
3. Plays competitive games with people of the same or the opposite sex, as to who is more intelligent, right, good, strong, victim, successful, quick, effective, spiritual e.t.c.
4. He rejects the parent of the same sex and so he rejects his own sex. Sometime this can lead to homosexuality.
5. Rejects the parent of the opposite sex and thus he has a continuous lack of trust and often is antagonistic to, or rejects the opposite sex and also his/her partner.

C. Some experiences indicating how one would play the role of the man or the woman.
1. All the messages he received through words and behaviors in relation to :
a. when a man is worthy and respected.
b. when a woman worthy and respected.
c. how must a man be.
d. how must a woman be.
e. what is the relationship between them.
2. From which one of the parents he received more love and acceptance.
3. Whether he experienced abandonment by one of the parents.
4. The behavior of one parent towards the other.
5. How he saw his parents behave towards others and how others towards them.

D. Beliefs sustaining the existence of these roles:
1. I am a woman (man).
2. I am safe and secure and I am worthy only through this role.
3. I must have a partner to be worthy and to be safe.
4. A close relationship is the goal of life and the basic meaning of life.
5. Close relationships are difficult and I will possibly get hurt because;
a. the other cannot love me as I am.
b. the other will hurt me.
c. the other will abandon me.
6. I cannot let go in a close relationship because I will get hurt.
7. I am worthy when:
a. my partner loves me exclusively.
b. the opposite sex wants me and admires me.
c. when I am better than others.
d. I am wanted sexually.
8. Women should sacrifice themselves for their husband (to obey him).
9. Men must be more capable, and intelligent than their wives.