S4 SITUATIONS & LESSONS No. 4 – TO COMMUNICATE OR NOT
Melina solves her problems by talking and using her husband as a sounding board.
She is also an interrogator. She has learned to get what she wants in a very subtle ways by using her logic and debating abilities to get her husband to see things the way she does, or do things in the way she would like.
This is essential for her, because she has many fears and is dependent on Kostas for her sense of security. Her father died when she was only two and she has now found both a husband and a father in Kostas. But she also needed things to go according to her beliefs in order to feel secure. Thus she has two basic prerequisites in order to feel secure. The one is for her to be able to control things so that they unfold as she believes they must in order to be safe. Secondly she must have Kostas by her side and convince him that her way is right.
Thus Melina became the perfect “lawyer” who would think out before hand each strategy concerning what she was going to say to Kostas to convince him.
Kostas had an overbearing mother who suppressed him and did not allow him any freedom of expression. He was suffocated under her strong personality. He moved into two roles to protect himself. First he would try the role of the “Aloof” ignoring her when she came asking something. When that did not work, he would resort to the “intimidator”, raising his voice and creating fear so that she would retreat and leave him alone. Otherwise he felt he was being controlled through all this talking.
Melina would then move into the role of the victim, feeling hurt that Kostas had raised his voice and spoken aggressively.
Each, controlled by needs carrying over from the childhood years, was now dead locked into a reoccurring game. Melina played the interrogator and then the victim in order to get what she wanted from Kostas so she could feel safe. Kostas played the Aloof and then the Intimidator in order to establish his freedom from control and pressure to do something he didn”t want to.
Another factor which aggravated the problem, was that both were also playing the “who is right” game. Each needed to be right and have the other accept that he or she was right.This caused them get locked for hours into endless rebuttals and counter rebuttals as each tried to prove his point. This usually ended up with Kostas shouting and leaving to play the Aloof and Melina’s going off to cry in the role of the victim.
What might they have to learn?
Melina: Does she need to learn to feel safe even when she cannot control people and events? Or to feel safe without Kostas? Or that she can feel her self worth without proving to the other that he is right? Does she need to find a better timing for when to approach Kostas? Perhaps she needs to work on her fear of abandonment created by her loss of her father as a child? Does she need to see how her need to control is pushing Kostas into the roles of intimidator and Aloof? Perhaps she needs to feel secure within herself? Or perhaps to try to discover what it is she might be doing which causes the other to not want to communicate ( not feel safe in communicating)? Or to learn to feel unity with the other even without verbal communication? Perhaps she needs to talk less or only about essential subjects? Or to have more self-confidence and not need so much the other’s approval?Or to be able to let some things pass and develop on their own without feeling the need to plan and control absolutely everything? Or to accept and love herself even when the he cannot respond? Perhaps to be able to express her needs and feelings clearly, lovingly and assertively? Or to become more interested in the others needs and not only in her need to talk? Or even to find new ways to create feelings of unity between them? Perhaps she needs to learn to leave him alone for a period of time and let him open up at his own rate?
Kostas: Does he need to learn to listen to Melina without fearing being controlled? Does he need to understand her needs and fears? Perhaps he needs to work with his own fears of being controlled especially by a woman? Perhaps if he gave more attention to Melina voluntarily, she would not need to approach him in the role of the interrogator for his attention? Does he too need to get free from the need to have the her accept that he is right?
How can they come together? Only through deep analysis of themselves can each find his lesson. Only when each finds his lesson and learns it can he get free. Chapters 2,3, 9,13,18 and 19 will be especially helpful.
You can download an ebook with 52 life situations and possible lessons that each might have in those situations at
The situations included in that ebook are the following.
LIFE STORIES AND LESSONS
These contain possible lessons to be learned. The stories involve real-life scenarios and offer us a clearer and deeper understanding deeply our own life situations.
We are educators and believe in the information we are sharing with you. But we are not doctors and cannot take any responsibility for you health. Ultimately in all cases, even with your doctors, you are responsible for your health and must follow your inner voice concerning how to maintain your health or heal your self. If you have any doubt about any suggestions you find here, consult your doctor or simply do not employ them.
S01 Self Suppression – Anna does whatever she is asked to do despite the fact that she doesn’t want to and then feels that she has been done injustice to.
S02 Super Woman – Katerina is very conscientious, a hard worker and reliable in all cases. No one knows she has needs and feels hurt.
S03 They Have Nothing In Common – They are married and have nothing in common.
S04 To Communicate Or Not – Melina solves her problems by talking and using her husband as a sounding board. He is aloof and prefers not to talk.
S05 Jealousy – Vasilis is very jealous of Efi and does not want her out of the house at all without him.
S06 Different Sexual Needs – She lost her desire for sexual contact very early in her marriage. He feels rejected and suppressed.
S07 He Doesn’t Love Me – She is unhappy because her husband does not love her.
S08 Illness – Gina’s long standing illness has become a source of tension for all her family.
S09 Fear And Jealousy, Suppression And Reaction – She is not very sure of herself as woman. She doubts whether a man can stay interested in her.
S10 Social Life – He does not feel comfortable with people. She needs frequent social contact.
S11 Anger – Vicky never expresses her anger, but receives everyone else’s.
S12 Anxiety – She has continual anxiety about her children.
S13 Our Happiness Is Dependent On How The Other Is – Anastasia cannot feel well when her husband Antonis is one is not well.
S14 Shame – She often feels ashamed of her husband’s behavior.
S15 Does Not Keep Agreements – He says “YES” to what he is requested, but then does not do it.
S16 If They Loved Me, They Would Respond To My Needs. – Aliki is hurt and angry because no one in her family love her enough to respond to her needs.
S17 Perfectionism – Marina is a perfectionist and this annoys her husband, Dionisis.
S18 Mother In Law – Elias is caught between two women he loves, his wife and his mother.
S19 What To Do? – Argyro loves Stellios but she is not “in love” with him. He has proposed marriage. What she should do?
S20 Losing Weight And Smoking Cigarettes – He rejects her for being overweight and she retaliates about his smoking.
S21 Strength And Fear – Emotion And Logic – A few years ago she had an experience in which she almost fainted in the center of the City.
S22 Mirroring Negativity – Nikos had the need to share his problems with his wife when he arrived home from work.
S23 His Wife Is Missing From The House Continually – He feels rejected and demeaned by the fact that his wife is out of the house so much.
S24 A 30 Year Old Child – Both Froso and her husband experience inner and outer conflict because their thirty year old son has not yet become economically independent.
S25 Meaningful Work – He is dissatisfied with his work, and wants to stop. His wife is afraid he might leave it.
S26 Fear Of Death – Giorgos, now fifty two, had always been a strong a capable man. Now he fears death.
S27 Addiction – He is an alcoholic. Both he and his family suffer.
S28 Just Divorced – Margarita was just left by her husband who went off with another woman.
S29 Death Of Loved One – Sophia who is only 45, with three children, lost her husband three months ago.
THE LIFE SITUATIONS FROM NO. 30 AND ON ARE FROM THE BOOK
The Psychology of Happiness
S30 Communication Problems – Anna enjoys sharing her feelings with her husband Paul. She also needs to know what he is feeling and thinking. When she is unable to communicate with him, she feels neglected and unloved.
S31 Anxiety About Grades – John and Barbara have three children in junior and senior school. Their house witnesses frequent battles concerning how much the children need to study and what grades are acceptable.
S32 Fear That He Is Having An Affair – Wendy is sure that her husband Mark is having an affair. She doesn’t have absolute proof but she just knows it in her heart. She is afraid and deeply hurt and disappointed. She feels rejected, demeaned, betrayed, quite insecure, not to mention angry.
S33 Alcoholic Father And Husband – Mary’s father was an abusive alcoholic. Her husband Tony is following in his footsteps. As is quite common, Mary has selected a husband who is simply a continuation of her father.
S34 Mother-In-Law – Phillip’s mother- in- law Olga has moved in. She tends to intrude into their lives, telling them what they are doing wrong and criticizing their behavior; especially concerning how they bring up their children.
S35 The Absent Spouse – Janice’s Husband Ted is seldom home. He prefers the office, the club and the bar. On the weekends he goes hunting with his male friends.
S36 Self Evaluation – Today Charles has discovered that his coworker Andy had a more successful professional year than he did. Andy sold more accounts and was commended and promoted by the company.
S37 Self Suppression – Susan suppresses herself in order to be accepted and loved. However, those around her don’t do the same. She feels mistreated. She feels hurt and mentally complains and criticizes. She feels that she is being done an injustice to, but he never shares this with others. For her, the others are not correct, because they treat her unjustly.
S38 The Intimidator – Elias is an Intimidator. He seeks to control others by making them fear him. He obstructs them from asking anything of him or from controlling him, by making them afraid to approach. He does this by shouting, intimidating, accusing, threatening and occasionally even resorting to physical violence. He uses other people’s fear and self doubt to control them.
S39 The Interrogator – Katherine plays the role of the interrogator. She would have made a good lawyer. She controls others by playing with their need for her approval. She does this by criticizing, doubting, giving advice and, in general, creating doubt about the others’ ability or correctness in what they are doing.
S40 The Aloof – Manfred tends to withdraw into himself and seldom communicates his feelings, thoughts or needs. His wife and children find him to be aloof. He distances himself from others, avoiding meaningful or honest emotional contact.
S41 The Victim – Martha, 75 years old, has identified with the role of the victim since she got married fifty years ago. She plays on the others’ pity and guilt. When they are angry with her, she protects herself from their rage and aggression by playing the weak abused person, usually crying.
S42 Cannot Be Happy When Others Are Not – Tatiana is very sensitive and identifies emotionally with those close to her. She finds it very difficult to be happy when anyone near her is not well, either physically or emotionally. She feels responsible. She also believes that it is not proper to be happy when someone she loves is not well.
S43 Do Not Change My Program – Albert is a very organized person. He likes everything to be in its place and to be in control in all situations. In order to feel safe, he needs to be functioning within a program. He needs for this program to be airtight and not change. If for some reason beyond his control what he has programmed should change, he loses his serenity and can become very negative and even threatening.
S44 Perfect, Strong And Conscientious – Janet is a superwoman. She is extremely capable, efficient and conscientious. When she has something to do, she will not rest until it is accomplished. She can not live with “matters pending”. She can rest only when they have been completed.
S45 Fear Concerning The Children – Nora has intense fears concerning her children’s welfare. She is afraid of their becoming ill and has nightmares about the possibility of their departing from their bodies. She also fears that they might become involved in drugs, be kidnapped, have an accident or in some way be harmed. She simply cannot handle the possibility of her children being harmed in any way.
S46 Parental Pressure – Steven is a student at a well-known university. He is not happy. He has lost interest in his major and does not want to continue. His parents will not even discuss the possibility of his not completing his degree. He is fast approaching a depressive state, as he sees no solution.
S47 Loud Neighbors – Beverly lives with her husband and children in an apartment building. The tenants upstairs seem have little awareness of or respect for others. They play their television and stereo quite loud until early hours of the morning and walk in such a way so as to create a loud tapping noises with their ever step.
S48 Good, Righteous And Spiritual – Paul is very much identified with the role of the “good, righteous and spiritual person”. That is not to say that he is not a good person, but that he bases his self worth on this fact and wants to appear even more “spiritual” than he is.
S49 Weak, Incapable And Dependent – Hubert feels weak and incapable. He has been programmed in this way by a weak mother and a domineering and demeaning father. He has come to perceive himself as unable to face the difficulties of life.
S50 The Rebel The Revolutionary, The Negative, The Antagonist. – Jake is a rebel. He easily feels suppressed and reacts in ways to protect his freedom often from imaginary dangers. He believes that others cant to control him and prevent him from doing what he would like to do.
S51 <a href=”/archives/lessons/s_51.asp”>The Parent The Savior, The Teacher, The Responsible – Anthony is a “savior”. He feels responsible for all around him. He believes that he must save them and keep them well and happy. He cannot rest when someone he feels responsible for is not well or happy. He feels that he has failed in his “role”. Others can easily use or control him, by making him feel that he is responsible for their reality.
S52 The Guilty, The Sinner, The Bad, The Evil One – Susan has a tendency to feel guilty. She has been programmed to believe that she is unworthy, evil a sinner. This causes her to incessantly seek her self worth through others. She spends tremendous amounts of energy attempting to prove her self worth through her professional endeavors, her service to others.