This is a part of a series of articles with questions, which will help us understand our emotions and how we can free ourselves from unwanted ones.
Some questions, which may help here are:
1. “Which are the situations in which you feel anger?”
2. ” What is it exactly that the others do, which makes you feel this way?”
3. ” What do you want which these persons are preventing you from having in these situations?” What is it that you want to have which is important to you and you are getting angry because the other is preventing you from having it?”
4. “Why is that so important to you?”
“If you do not get it or keep it, what will happen?”
5. “What are your basic needs and attachments here which are making you suffer?”
6. “What do you fear will happen if things do not happen the way you want them to?”
7. “And if that happens?”
8. “Do you believe that the others are responsible for your feelings or your reality?” “Would you like to take responsibility for creating your own feelings?”
9. Does your anger have anything to do with your doubts about your self-worth or feelings of self-rejection or guilt? Can you see any relationship?” If yes what?”
10. “Does your anger have anything to do with fears or insecurity?” If yes, what”
11. “Do you get angry when you feel others are limiting your freedom?” When and why?”
12. Do you get angry at yourself?” For what reasons?”
13. “Are there any similarities between the reasons why oyu reject or get angry with yourself and with others? If so which? “If so, what do you want to do about this?”
14. “Do you want to be free from your anger?”
If yes, why? If yes, what are the negative effects of anger on your life – health – relationships, – peace of mind etc.?”
15. If you answered no to the previous question, why to you prefer to keep your anger? What do you gain by being angry?
a. Perhaps you get a feeling of self-righteousness or of being right and thus the other is wrong and you are okay?”
b. Or perhaps you feel that no one will pay any attention to you if you are not angry.
c. Or that others must be punished for their wrongs and it is your responsibility to correct them?” d. Or something else?”
16. “Do you believe that life is a process of growth and that we have lessons to learn?” If yes, then what lesson do you need to learn here?”
17. “What exactly do you need from the others?” What do you want from them?
18. Have you expressed clearly to the others what you need from them, without accusing or blaming them?” If not, What would you like to express?”
We now need to learn to express our needs and beliefs as I-messages, without attacking, or seeking to hurt or demean the other. Because this often means revealing our own weakness, something which angry people often cannot do, we will need to develop the honesty and self-acceptance to tell the truth.
Now you may like to describe how you would like to think, feel and respond in future situations. You may find it more powerful to write your description in the present tense as if it is already a reality.