TO DIE OR
NOT TO DIE
THAT IS THE QUESTION
My name is Petro and I want to share with you an experience which changed the foundation of my life, turned my value system upside down and opened my heart to love. I would like to relate the events to you in the present tense with the hope that in this way my description might resemble perhaps 20% of the actual experience, which is of course indescribable and beyond words, time and space.
“I hear screeching and a maniacally blowing horn. I look. It is too late. A truck in the opposite lane has swerved uncontrollably towards me and is about to destroy me. As it crashes into my side of the car, the door collapses into my body and the car is rolling over.
I hear a tremendous buzzing and deafeningly powerful sound which both scares and hurts me. I am being drawn out of the wreckage. I am being sucked up through a dark tunnel. I have no power over what is happening. I am moving towards a blinding light. It is like the sun but 1000 times whiter and brighter.
As I approach the light, my feelings abruptly change. There is peace. Words fail to describe the colors and peace which fill my being.
MY NEW BODY
I still have a body. I am feeling very well. My body is however different. I am flying. I move simply by willing so. My mind moves my body by simply thinking where I would like to be. Although my body was not in good shape and had various aches and pains before the crash, I am now in a vital energized body with no pain and no energy limitations. In fact my body is energy it self.
As I focus my attention on the world I was just sucked out of, I remember the crash, and look down. People have stopped their cars and are trying to get my body out of the wreckage. They are shouting and arguing as to how to proceed. Although I realize that this is my body, I am rather indifferent about the outcome of their efforts. In fact, I wonder why they are so upset and so anxious about whether they are going to save me. I am fine, better than I have ever been in my life. Or is this life? What is life? I seem to be a live, But I am not centered in that body they are trying to save.
I approach them in an attempt to explain to them that I am fine, but as I approach them, they simply stare ahead as if I do not exist and walk right through me. I am invisible to them. But they are very visible to me. I can hear them but I am inaudible to them. I pass through matter and matter passes trough me.
I like this new body very much, except for the fact that I would like to be able to communicate with them and explain to them, that I am fine and that death is just great. I feel so liberated from all my problems and the limitations of my body.
My wife, Maria! At the very instant I think of my wife I am suddenly transported to her bedroom where she is brushing her hair. My thought has transported me. This is the most wonderful way to travel.
Now that I see her, my feelings change. She hasn’t heard the news yet, but she feels that something has happened. She has a deep feeling of danger and now that I am there, she senses me. She is attuned to my energy and feels my presence. She is beginning to panic, and does not know why. She is aware that something horrible has happened, but does not know what.
I reach out to touch her. She senses it not with her skin, but with her heart. I love her deeply. I do feel pain of losing her, but rather, I cannot bear for her to go through this pain of losing me. I am simultaneously experiencing the peace of being free from my body and also the concern about my beloved wife and how she will handle this situation. I am fine. She is not.
I realize now that we mourn for our selves when we lose a loved one and not for them. We “deceased” are fine, as we are now experiencing our real immortal bodiless nature. The “living” are continuing to experience fear and pain due to their identification with their bodies and the loss of the body of the departed.
I am now acutely aware that the structure of our lives is based on the illusion that we are these bodies. We base our self worth on how our body appears and feelings of security what is happening to the body, whether it is well or not. We create relationships with bodies and not with the others’ true nature which I am now experiencing. What shame, what a waste of life. I not that body lying in the wreckage. I am here watching my lovely wife.
As these realizations manifest in my mental field, a light begins to form to my wife’s right. This formless light gradually begins to take a form. It becomes a being of light. I can not be sure but I sense that it is my Lord Jesus Christ, but as the form we are used to seeing in paintings. He is more of an spiritual light-energy-essence. He smiles knowingly. He knows everything I am thinking. He also gives me the sense that He knows me deeply including all that I have thought, said and done in my life.
Although I have been truly ashamed of many of my thoughts and actions in life, that shame now disappears, as I feel that this being loves and accepts me as I am unconditionally. This is the first time I have ever been loved as I am. This being is making me feel that I am okay just as I am and that I am lovable and worthy of love and respect just as I am. This is totally new experience for me.
This feeling of being totally loved opens my heart and allows me to feel my inner desire to be an even better person than I have been until now. I feel this desire better my self, to become a more loving person. Until now, fear has prevented me from feeling and and expressing my love especially to my wife.
I now feel that there is a greatness in me which I have never recognized or expressed. I feel that I am good, okay and that makes me desire to be an even better person. Strange how this unconditional love and acceptance has accomplished the ultimate result that all people who have criticized and rejected me all my life have been trying to achieve; my willingness to see my self objectively. They wanted me to see where I have not been behaving in a sensitive, just and loving way, and to desire to change that.
We seek to change our selves and others by criticizing and rejecting what is, and yet in this way we only obstruct real change, which is a basic innate desire which is naturally awakened when we feel safe enough to see our selves and that happens when some one loves us unconditionally just as we are. I am beginning now to realize how confused we are are when we are imprisoned in our bodies.
REGRESSION INTO THE “PAST”
As these thoughts fade away, I am now traveling back into time. I see my self as a baby and then in my mother’s womb. Now, I am before my birth watching my mother pregnant with my body-to-be. I am not particularly excited about being born which would mean leaving my free bodiless state to enter that small limited embryo which will be at the mercy of my parents and other relatives, not to mention teachers. I am aware that they will program me to doubt my self, to fear, to become selfishly oriented and lose all of my natural spiritual qualities.
On the other hand there is a force which is pushing me into physical existence. There are invisible powers around me indicating that I need to incarnate in order to learn. I do not like the idea, but sense the importance of it, like accepting certain laws which we realize are of benefit for the whole. I sense that I am in an evolutionary process and that my birth has something to do with that process.
As I look at my mother, I begin to remember her from other lives. I now realize that this is not my first birth and that I have incarnated many times previous to this one. I also now realize that my mother is simply a fellow soul in this same evolutionary process. As a soul she has played various roles with me. She has been my child, by husband, my wife, my friend, my employer and also my mother in other lives.
It becomes apparent we are incarnating again into the same family, so that we create various situations through which we both can learn.
This thought is now provoking a vision. I see my life purpose. I am incarnating in order to learn to experience my own self worth and inner security so that I can forgive and love others unconditionally and more specifically express that love, especially to my wife.
I see the car crash taking place. I am shocked. I have decided this even before I have been born. I have chosen my mother and my father and the car crash.
As, I wonder what else have I chosen before I am born, I see my life as a river which is flowing in banks which are expanding and contracting and changing direction continuously. I realize that, although I have chosen to fulfill my specific life purpose, this will be a fluid process in which my every choice and reaction will in some way affect the direction of my life. I have chosen certain major events such as my parents and this accident but most other events of my life are the result of my moment to moment choices and reactions.
Now I am moving through time forward towards the “present”. It is difficult to explain what is happening. I am free to “be” any where in time, as I please. It is as if my existence blankets. My being is extended over and touching all time. Thus, I can be at any “time coordinate” which my mind chooses, often for its own reasons, without my control. Just as before I was moved to my wife when I though about her, now I am being moved instantaneously through time.There is no space here, as no “time” is required to get any where. I am beyond time and space. I am all encompassing. And yet I also have a”body”, if you could call it that.
In this way I am reviewing my life, observing specifically all events which have to do with my goal of inner self worth, inner security, forgiveness and unconditional love. I am evaluating each experience determining where my reactions were based on love and where not. I can see where I have been mostly selfish. My motives are very obvious. I recognize my fear, anger, jealousy and selfish desires.
As I observe these weaknesses in my character, I feel no guilt or shame. I am looking them in the same I way I used to examine my car when it would not work properly. I would just look for the problem so as to solve it, and had no negative feelings about my self because my car was not functioning correctly. And now I am having no negative feelings because my body and personality are not functioning perfectly. I am noticing the mistakes I have made and discovering the causes so that I can correct them. There is no guilt or pride. I am detached from the personality which I am investigating.
I can now see that each time I have acted without love,I have done so because of my fear. Yes, fear is behind all my negative feelings and reactions. I feel anger because I am afraid. I tell lies because I am afraid to tell the truth. I become selfish and egotistical because I am afraid for my self worth and security.
As long as I am identified with this body and personality, my thoughts, words and actions with be based on fear. I fear what other people think about me. I fear failure, making a mistake, being laughed at, criticized rejected. I have sold my soul to others. They dictate my life. I cannot be my self. I need their acceptance and approval. I their presence in my life so as to feel safe and secure.
As detached as I am, this realization shocks me. I realize that I have never been my self.
I also see that no one else is honestly being his or her natural self. We are all wearing masks which hide our real feelings, needs, weaknesses, fears and beliefs. We are ashamed to share or externalize our fears, our needs and even our love and admiration.
This realization rocks the foundation of my being. What painful existence. No wonder we drug our selves with a continual barrage of external stimuli, TV, magazines, work, often meaningless conversations, cigarettes, alcohol, food and anything else which will drug the pain of not being in any real contact with our selves, others, nature or God.
Now I understand why I had been so focused on satisfying my sensual needs. These were the only moments in which I could feel the present. All the rest of the time I was in my mind, anxious about the past and present and mainly about how I was going to control everyone and everything around me so as to create the illusions of externally based self worth, security and freedom.
As I “move” through these memories, I begin to realize also that others were playing every important role in my evolutionary process. I was learning through them, through the situations stimulated in me by their behavior.
I see now why people were behaving to me in certain ways. They were unconsciously giving me exactly the stimuli which I needed in order to experience various emotions which I then felt the need to liberate my self from. In my attempt to get free from those emotions, such as jealousy, self rejection, fear, anger, hatred etc. I was being forced to see people and events from a different perspective. I was most successful in getting free when I was able to put my self in their position, and realize their fear, hurt and feelings of injustice which caused to them to behave to me in this way. I was freed from my negativity by understanding them.
As I examine these events, I discover another thought which allows me to free my self from my negative feelings. That is a belief in God and His wisdom and justice. When I think, “God who loves me is allowing these people to behave to me in this way,” then I can also think, “then this must have some purpose and there must be a higher justice which I cannot perceive.” My faith allows me to come back again to peace and love.
Occasionally as I move through my reevaluation process, the being of light becomes apparent and makes my understanding clearer, and then recedes into the back ground, but is always there.
I am experiencing various emotions. I am aware not only what I felt then in each event, but also what I feel now that I see my self more objectively. But I am also aware of what the others were feeling in when confronted with my behavior and reactions. This is like instant “karmic reaction”. I instantaneously feel what others feel with my behavior. (This is incredibly effective as a learning process. It is shame it does not work like this when we are incarnated. If we instantaneously felt exactly how the others felt because of our behavior, we would perfect our selves much more quickly. Perhaps we could practice this ability – putting our selves in the others position.) These many and varied feelings pass as in each case I become aware of the underlying forces which caused me to behave as I did.
I now realize that my reactions were a function of my emotions and that my emotions where a function of my beliefs, and that they, in turn, are a result of my childhood experiences. Now I also see that I have chosen my childhood experiences just as I chose my parents. I see that I have not been the victim of my parents mistakes. Rather I chose them so as to create the specific experiences and thus, beliefs which I wanted to work on and transform in this life. I chose them and their actions so that in my later life, I would now be able to transform my belief system and move on in my evolutionary process.
THE POWER OF CONSCIOUS CHOICE
I can see now that my only freedom is in the present, to change the way I react to each situation as it appears. I have a choice in life, I have free will. I can change my destiny, but that requires changing the way I perceive my self, others, God and nature. Until now, I have seen all as separate and even alien and antagonistic. God has been for me a distant aloof judgmental being who would punish me for my sins. I never felt comfortable with this idea. How unjust this always seemed. Why would He punish me for being as he made me?
Yes, my freedom is in the present. I can chose to see others as the competition with whom I must compete for my safety or self worth, or as my critics to whom I must prove my self worth. I also have the choice of perceiving them as my sister souls in the process of evolution, with whom we have all agreed to play various roles so that we offer each opportunities for evolutionary development in pleasant and unpleasant ways.
I can chose fear, bitterness, pain, jealousy and anger. Or I can transform my beliefs and realize that I am safe in all situations. This I can so see clearly now, since I am “dead” but have never felt better, more peaceful or clearer.
I can also understand that I am always deserving of love and respect as are all others as souls in this process of evolution.
My destiny is not chosen by some God, But is simply a natural result of the way I think, feel, and react.
God? Where is God? What is God? As these thoughts form in my mental field, the being of light becomes apparent again. Now, we are “traveling” again, but not through time or space, but rather through dimensions. It is like moving into or out of dreams. I am not going any place but changing focus from one reality to another.
I am “approaching” an even greater light than the one at the end of the tunnel. This light is literally everywhere. There is no center and no circumference. There are no boundaries.
How strange, I too am this light. I am a light in this sea of light. My presence in this light, but not limited to a certain area. I am everywhere in this limitless light. My I-ness is no longer separate from my environment. I am one. But I am not one with anything else, because there is no other. All is included in this limitless light. I am this light and yet everything and everyone else is also this light. There is only light and each being and object is simultaneously an expression of it. I am everyone and everything and all is me. I am the light in all beings.
Yet, although I am in all, and I am limitlessness, I have no special worth or place in this universe, because all is as I am. There is no question of higher or lower, or greater or lesser self worth. There is no differentiation. There is no reason to seek being important. There is no question of importance, when all is of one substance and equal. I am simultaneously all important and totally insignificant. I am all but there is no I to separate it self from the whole and compare it self with any thing or any one else.
Now I AM.
There is no process.
No seeking, no trying, no relationship, no thoughts.
= = = = =
I now have a thought.
(I do not know how long I was in this state, before my first thought interrupts it.)
“Now that I have experienced my true nature, I can easily experience the inner fulfillment necessary to forgive and express my love and thus fulfill my life purpose. It is a shame that my life had to end in order for me to learn this.”
The being of light appears again. I sense his appearance as a response to my thought.
It sense that I might be returning to my body. I do not like this idea. Obviously it will be a much less pleasant reality than the one I am presently living. There cannot be much incentive to living a limited life in pain, ignorance and fear.
But I have created this option with my thought about how I would be clearer if I lived again in a body with this knowledge I have gained in this experience.
If I return now I will return as an adult with awareness of this experience of my true nature, I will be “alive” as they call it (how little they know) but totally aware that I am not the body. If I continue on and “die” and then come back, I will have to be born as a baby again and will not remember any of this.
As I am experiencing this confusion, a vision appears before me and I see my wife sitting next to my body in a hospital. She has been informed of the accident and my body has been moved to the hospital where she is sitting.
This is the most painful moment of her life. As I focus on her, I experience her pain in a way I never have before. I have never been good at allowing my self to feel what she is feeling. It never served my ego needs to do so. I always protected my self from responding to her needs, by not feeling what she as feeling.
She was such a feeling being and I such a mental one. I used my mental processes to hide from my own feelings, fears and needs. I loved her so much and yet I seldom ever expressed that love. I admired her and her never told her so. My male ego never let me. I wanted her to manifest her dreams and inner potential but was always afraid that I would be lessened by her success.
I now realize that she is my test. She is my teacher. She is there for me to love unconditionally. I must first learn to love her properly and then I can move one to others.
I speak to her. “My dearest Maria, I love you. I care for you. I want so much for you to be happy. I want to be able to express my love to you, to help you find your real self and express your inner beauty.
“I want to experience with you perfect unity so that we can dissolve into each other. I want to be totally honest, totally open, and totally vulnerable. I want to free my self from every defense mechanism, every tendency to close into my self or attack you.
“I want to create a conscious love relationship based on trust and honesty. I want to use our every difference and conflict of needs as a growing experience in which we come to a greater understanding of our true selves. Together we can manifest what is great and beautiful is each of us as individuals and as a united couple.
Now I can see that although she does not know it, that she too even before her birth had agreed that we would be married and that I would “die” in this way. We had planned this.
But I still have a choice. I can leave the physical plane and free my self from the pain of the physical existence or I can return. In both ways my wife would still learn. I if “die” to her world and continue on in mine, she would grow by being forced to find inner strength. She would be pushed towards investigating the purpose of her life. She would learn through the pain of loss.
If I return we can learn through the an even greater death, dying to our egos and living in love. Pure love means the death of ego-centeredness and fear.
I can die physically or I can free my self from the real death of the soul which is its imprisonment in the personality. I can chose to allow my old ignorant, fearful self die and live in love.
= = = = =
As you can see by the fact that I am sharing this with you. I chose not to die physically but to grow through dying to my ego and living in love, as painful and as fearsome as that can sometimes be.
By Robert Elias Najemy