A36 Life’s Lessons: We often wonder what we have to learn in relationship to certain behaviors which upset us. This article describes a method for discovering our lessons

The ultimate question in all of our psychological search is “what is my lesson here?” ” What do I need to learn from this situation which is limiting my happiness or my effective functioning?” Throughout the book, we have presented you with various situations which we have observed throughout the years which cause pain and suffering for us as individuals and as couples. In this chapter we will learn a method for discovering what our lessons are in those situations. The key to discovering what we need to learn is the faith that everything which happens to us is a result of a process called mirroring, sympathetic attunement, resonance or projection. This means that whatever we are experiencing from the outside world, and especially through the behavior of those close to us, is a mirroring, a reflection, a sympathetic resonance with, or a projection of, something that is in me. My beliefs, emotions, expectations, fears etc. are mirroring, reflecting, projecting or resonating in my external world creating the behaviors and events which I experience. Those events, behaviors or situations which cause us to feel unpleasant feelings, are specifically mirroring parts of our self which are ripe and ready to be transformed. This is a very powerful tool for self discovery because it gives us a very clear understanding of what we need to change while simultaneously freeing us from negative feelings towards the others. We realize that we our selves attract the behaviors and events which create our reality. It is through exactly those stimuli that we will be motivated to evolve out of our old limiting beliefs into new beliefs, more aligned with the truths of our real spiritual nature. What we are saying will not be accepted by many people. It is a philosophy based on the following basic tenants (fig. 23).

BASIC BELIEFS OF THE PHILOSOPHY OF THE LESSON OF LIFE

1. We are totally responsible for the reality we experience.

2. We are immortal, inherently divine beings in a process of evolution.

3. This evolution, and our emotional and spiritual maturation, occur through a learning process stimulated and sometimes forced upon us by life’s events and circumstances, and to a great degree, others’ behaviors.

4. The unpleasant events, circumstances and behaviors reflect parts of our selves which need transformation. They are exactly what we need to trigger our growth. This is often, but not always, painful and confusing. It is also sometimes pleasant.

5. There are three variations of the force within us which attracts these life stimuli:
a. Our past actions and behaviors
b. Our present psychosynthesis: beliefs, emotions, expectations, behaviors, fears, attachments, internal conflicts, roles which we play etc.
c. The specific lessons we have come to learn in this incarnation.

6. There are four areas of our lives in which we receive most of these lessons:
a. Our close relationships (parents, spouse, children, siblings)
b. Our health and appearance
c. Our work environment
d. Various events such as accidents, marriage, divorce, loss, gain, war, natural disasters and changes in general.

7. Most often our lessons are to be found in those aspects of the above mentioned areas which bother us, which are not to our satisfaction, or are painful to us.

8.The lessons we need to learn in these areas can be varied and multiple such as:
a. To transform our beliefs
g. To change our attitudes and behavior
c. To communicate more clearly and effectively
d. To change our way of life
e. To make efforts to improve the world around us.

9. In general, our lessons involve transforming beliefs and fall into categories:
a. Beliefs which we need to change in order to cease attracting or creating a situation which bothers us.
b. Beliefs which we need to transform in order to be able to accept the situation exactly as it is.
c. Beliefs which we need to change in order to communicate more effectively with others concerning what is happening.
d. Beliefs which we need to transform in order to be able to actively improve the external situation.

10. In order to discover what we need to learn and transform, we need first discover what there is in our own nature which is reflecting or projecting here. These reflections and projections are often multiple but falling into the two categories.
a. Aspects of ourselves (beliefs, behaviors, emotions) which attract and sustain this behavior, event, or circumstance.
b. Beliefs which make those particular behaviors, events, or circumstances unacceptable and painful for us.

fig. 23

Some examples of 5.c. above might be:
a. If, as a soul, I need to learn to gain self confidence, it would be only natural to create a situation in which my personality could not find external support, forcing me to depend upon myself.
b. If I need to learn self acceptance, then it would be natural for me, as a soul, to create a situation in which I pass through a period of not being accepted by the others, so as to develop an inner base for my self acceptance.
c. If it has come time for me to overcome a fear, then the obvious way to do this would be to subconsciously create or attract exactly what I fear, so that I may overcome it.
d. If I need to overcome a part of my character such as selfishness, what better way to see my selfishness, than to confront it in others.

There is a small difference between mirroring and projecting. When another’s behavior “mirrors” something inside us, that means that their is a resonance and that the other is behaving in a way which reflects some of our beliefs, emotions or expectations. There is a silent resonance between us which causes one to mirror to the other parts of himself. “Projection” means that we are seeing things in the other’s behavior which are not there, at least not to the extent that we see them. We are subjectively interpreting and often magnifying aspects of the other’s behavior so that we “project” on to his behavior our own beliefs, needs, fears, emotions and expectations, and guilt.

The following questionnaire (fig 24) has been designed to be used in conjunction with a deep relaxation in which the questions included there are asked. These questions can also be answered in the form of active listening, or as a written exercise. Our experience is that the deep relaxation helps us connect with deeper answers. We could have someone asks us these questions while we are lying relaxed with our eyes closed. Whoever reads these questions should leave at least one minute between each question so that we can receive answers. We receive the answers and do not search for them. The answers may come not only as words in our mind, but also as feelings, physical or energy phenomena such a pains or heat or release etc. or even as images, memories. If we cannot find someone to read these questions to us then we can simply answer them in written form. Even if we do answer them in the relaxed state, we will need to make them more conscious later by writing them. Before attempting to do this work, we first have to decide which of the other’s annoying behaviors we want to analyze. We will not be analyzing the other but our own selves. We need to think about what the other does or does not do which bothers us and diminishes our peace and happiness and thus the harmony and happiness of the relationship. We have something to learn from this situation. Now we have a chance to discover what is it. Some possible behaviors which might bother us might be found in this list:
a. When she criticizes me.
b. When he does not respond to my request or needs.
c. When she asks me many questions
d. When he shouts and accuses
e. When she plays the role of victim and cries
f. When she blames me for what has happened
g. When he ignores me
h. When he doesn’t listen to me.
i. When he looks at other women.
j. When she is not conscientious about our agreements or responsibilities.
k. When he does not agree with me.
l. When he does not pay attention to me when I talk.
m. When she is late for our appointment.
n. When he doesn’t help out with the cleanliness.
o. When he tell lies.
p. When they ignore my needs
q. When she gossips.
r. When he does not tell me what he is feeling.
s. When she complains too much.
t. When he thinks he knows it all and does not listen to my point of view.
u. When she gives me advice I have not asked for.
v. When he threatens me that he will leave.
w. When he does not take care of himself or does not do his share.
x. When the other is weak and dependent
z. other_______________________

There are many other possible behaviors which might bother us, and diminish our peace and love for the other. The analysis we will make below will help us to liberate our happiness from what the other does and thus also free up our love for him. I would suggest that you first read through all the questions and the explanations which come after, before you go ahead and answer the questions for yourself. We have found the most amazing results with this questionnaire. Most of us have discovered that we each contain quite a number of factors which are mirroring in the other’s behavior. Through this exercise we see very clearly that we ourselves create our reality and that only we can change it. Let us very briefly explain the reason for each question.

EXPLANATION OF THE QUESTIONNAIRE FOR DISCOVERING OUR LESSONS

The specific behavior on the other’s behalf which bothers me and which I would like to analyze here is__________________
1. The emotions which I feel when the other behaves in this way or when I think of him behaving in this way are…
2. I feel this way because I have the following beliefs which make feel that way…

These three first questions are designed to help us determine exactly what the stimulus, emotions and beliefs are which are bothering us. We must be careful that our answer concerning the first question is actually a behavior and not an interpretation of a behavior. That “the other does not love me” is not a behavior, it is an interpretation of some behavior. Those who are not familiar with the fundamentals of self analysis, in which we learn to determine the stimulus, the emotions and the beliefs, will benefit from reading the book “The Psychology or Happiness”.

Now the questionnaire moves forward to determine the possible aspects of our being which might be mirroring, resonating or projecting.

3. Have I ever behaved in this way towards this person or towards others in the past? We are often annoyed by behaviors which remind us of aspects of our own behavior which we do not accept in our selves, or cannot see in ourselves. Thus we need to see it in others in order to have a stimulus to see it in our selves and transform it. In the case that we realize that, yes, in fact, we occasionally behave in this way our lesson could be:
a. To discover and transform the beliefs and habits and attachments which cause us to behave in that way which is being reflected here, or
b. To accept that behavior in our selves.

4. Is there a part of myself which might fear something here? What do I fear here? And why do I fear that? Any behavior which provokes fear in us will obviously be annoying. We might be tempted to create a list full of reasons why the other’s behavior is unethical, unsocial and not proper, but more often the truth is that it annoys us because we fear something in the consequences it might have for us or for the people we are attached to. We must remember that all negative feelings are born from fear and give this question serious thought, looking behind our anger, hurt, resentment, and jealously for the fear which is likely hiding there. The question goes on and on asking why we fear “that”, again again until we arrive at the basic fear which causes us to be annoyed by that behavior. The lesson here might be to free ourselves from the beliefs which cause us to fear these behaviors.

Note: Questions 3 and 4 uncover the vast majority of reflections and projections which create our reality. We are attracted and are annoyed by those behaviors which reflect our own behavior and that which we fear.

5. Is there a part of myself which has learned to expect this behavior, which has come to believe that this is the way this person or others will behave? People often behave towards us in ways which reflect our expectations. If we expect rejection or indifference, we will attract them by sympathetic resonance. The others are simply reflecting back to us our own beliefs and expectations. Our lesson in such a case might be to free ourselves from the beliefs which cause us to expect these behaviors, and to adopt new beliefs which lead to more positive expectations.

6. Is there a part of myself which believes that, for some reason, I deserve this behavior? If a part of our selves subconsciously believes that we are not worthy and that we deserve to be treated in this way, then we will naturally attract this behavior. The others may even feel guilty that they are behaving to us in this way, while they are being pushed in this direction by our own beliefs about our selves (Of course they have the free will to overcome our pull in that direction) Our lesson here is to learn to accept and love our selves as we are, so that we can feel that we deserve each person’s love, acceptance and respect.

7. Is there a part of myself which behaves towards my own self in the way that this person behaves to me? We often behave in negative ways towards ourselves, criticizing our selves, ignoring our needs, putting ourselves down, being ironic with ourselves. Then when others do the same, we feel annoyed and hurt. But they are simply reflecting back to us our own behavior towards ourselves, whether they perceive it or not. They do not need to see this behavior in us. These beliefs, attitudes, feelings and behaviors are transmitted subconsciously and non verbally. Our lesson in such a case would be to learn to respect our selves and to cultivate positive behavior towards ourselves. To behave towards ourselves as we would like others to behave towards us. (An interesting version of an age old truth, ” to do others as you would like them to do to you.)

8. Is there a part of myself which occasionally would like to act or behave in that way but something stops me? We sometimes are annoyed by, and criticize, behaviors which subconsciously perhaps we would actually like occasionally to be able to adopt. For example, a person who has difficulty in expressing himself might be annoyed by an overly expressive person. A person who has difficulty being silent, might feel uncomfortable with a silent type. A person who restrains and suppresses himself, in order to be conscientious, regarding responsibilities or rules, is likely to feel annoyed by and angry at, a person who makes no effort to do so. But, perhaps that person who is rejecting and criticizing, would actually like to be free to let go once in a while. We are attracting behaviors which reflect our jealousy, lack of understanding and self restriction. Our lesson here would be to free our selves in order to behave in a way which represents our beliefs and values. Also to let others to decide for themselves how they want to behave. Others are not required to live their lives according to our morals, standards or limitations.

9. Does this behavior remind me of anything which I experienced as a child? We are often more vulnerable to behaviors which remind us of situations which we experienced when we were children. If we could get free from the pain or fear we are holding from our childhood years, the behavior which presently bothers us would not affect us so much. We are attracting this behavior because we need to have contact with it, until we free our selves from that baggage from the past. The lesson is to transform our childhood experiences.

10. Am I perhaps playing some role here which is attracting this behavior from the other?
A. The victim? B. the Intimidator C. The teacher D. The parent E. The child F. The intelligent one G. The righteous one H. The rebel I. The strong one – without needs J. The just one K. The Good person L. The one Responsible for all M. The server N. The weak one O. The spiritual person P. The judge Q. The Aloof R. The critic or Interrogator. S. Some other role?

Each of these roles tends to attract similar or opposite roles from those around us. If we play the parent, the other will behave like a child. If we play the child, the other will behave like a parent or teacher or savior. If we feel responsible for everyone, the others will be irresponsible etc. The lesson here is to discover which of our roles are reflecting in the other’s behavior, or is making his behavior annoying to us. Once we determine this, we will need to see what adjustments we need to make in the way we are interpreting our role.

11. Which are my needs or attachments which are being intimidated by this behavior?
12. What will I lose if I do not get the behavior I want from that person? Our needs and attachments are reflected in many ways. Our negative feelings result from our not being able to have what we want or from our fearing that we may not be able to have it, or that we might lose it. When our happiness is dependent on someone or something outside of our selves, and the time has come for us to transcend that attachment, life offers us behaviors and events which force us to free our selves from this attachment or else continue to suffer. Some possible variations of that are:
BELIEF RESULTING REFLECTION
1. I must have it – Obstacles appear towards having it.
2. I must have it – We obtain it but at the expense of our health.
3. I must have it – We have it but it produces conflicts with others.
4. I must have it – We have it but it causes us conflict with ourselves.
5. I must have it – We have it, but we lose it.
6. I must have it – We destroy our health and harmony trying to get it.
7. I must have it – Others around us believe we must have it. They strengthen our beliefs.
8. I must have it – Others are against our having it.

Our lesson is that we can be happy, safe and satisfied without this attachment.

13. Do I have any feelings of guilt here which might be being mirrored? Are feelings of guilt or responsibility for the other making me vulnerable to this behavior? Our feelings of guilt and shame are very easily reflected by those around us. We attract from others what makes us feel guilt or shame until we are able to transform the beliefs which generate those feelings. Our feelings of guilt or self doubt are often what which make the other’s behavior painful for us, as we are reminded by their behavior of our doubts about our purity, ability and self worth. Our lesson is to clarify in our minds what our real responsibilities are concerning the others and where our self worth is based. This work is described in detail in the chapters 16 on Self Acceptance and chapter 18 on Responsibility for Others.

14. Am I being critical, judgmental or rejecting here? We will attract whatever we criticize and condemn until we learn to understand and accept the other. He can reject another΄s behavior, without rejecting the person himself. As long as we criticize and condemn, we will be confronted over and over again by this same behavior. Our lesson is to develop understanding, acceptance, forgiveness and love for others and ourselves. Remember the analysis for criticism in chapter 14.

15. Do I have any internal conflicts which are being played out here? Is there a part of myself which doubts my own self and agrees with the other? Our internal conflicts are very often reflected by others’ behavior, which usually reflects one of our conflicting personas. Because we are in conflict with ourselves, the other’s behavior annoys us by bringing to the surface a part of ourselves with which we are already in conflict. For example, if one part of ourselves says we should be making more money, or get married, or achieve more, or work more, or eat less, or spend more time with the children or have more discipline, or lose weight and the other person gives us any of these messages in any way, we are disturbed by his behavior, because it reminds us of a conflict we already have with our selves. In such a case, we need to apply an inner dialogue technique and clarify internally what we really want and believe. We also need to accept this conflict until it is resolved and then we will be able to share it with others. This work is described in detail in the book “Saram – A Soul Adventure in Persona Reconciliation”.

16. Are there any emotions, needs and beliefs which I have not communicated in a clear way to the other? Our unexpressed emotions, needs and beliefs are frequently reflected by others. This will happen until we overcome any obstacles to honest and sincere communication with those who behave in ways which annoy us. If I have never expressed clearly to someone without accusation and criticism that his behavior bothers me, how do I expect him to stop? Our lesson is to learn to make I messages expressing very clearly what we want, need, feel and believe, without trying to put down or hurt the other.

17. What is my lesson here? What do I need to change in order to stop attracting this behavior and, in the case that it appears, not be bothered by it?
18. What do I need to do to maintain my happiness? Questions 17 and 18 ask us to look to the answers we have given to the questions above and decide what we need to transform in order to cease attracting the behavior which bothers us and, in the case that it does appear, not be bothered by it.

19. Now imagine that the other person actually changes and behaves exactly as you wish, and becomes a perfect friend respecting your every need, and that this problem has completely disappeared. Notice how you feel with this idea. This visualization and question has been added at the end for two reasons. First, it allows us to imagine this situation as solved and transformed. This is an essential aspect of manifesting the change we desire,.i.e. to be able to envision it. The second reason is for us to see how we feel with the idea of this problem being totally solved and the other behaving in a perfect way. It is interesting that a large number of people have discovered with this question that something was missing when the problem disappeared. They then realized that, although they complain about this person’s behavior, it actually serves some purpose in their lives. For some, the injustice was their way of establishing their own self worth. As long as the other was wrong, then they were the good guys and thus worthy. Now without this game, they are no longer affirmed on a daily basis. In other cases, the problem was an excuse for not to being able to manifest their creativity or productivity, and now they would have no excuse. For still others, it was a reason not to be happy, and now they will have to find another reason, or “risk” being happy. We might get some ideas about why we might not want such a situation to change from fig. 27, question 3.

This questionnaire could also be used to analyze our lessons inherent in situations or events which are annoying us, by simply replacing the word behavior with the words event, circumstance or situation. Also we can, in the same way, analyze what we can learn from our body through problems of health or appearance. But in this book we are focusing on relationships. Now it is your turn to give these questions a try.

QUESTIONNAIRE FOR DISCOVERING OUR LESSONS IN WHAT BOTHERS US IN OTHERS’ BEHAVIOR

The specific behavior on the other’s behalf which bothers me and which I would like to analyze here is_________________________________

1. The emotions which I feel when the other behaves in this way or when I think of him behaving in this way are…

2. I feel this way because I have the following beliefs which make feel that way…

3. Have I ever behaved in this way towards this person or towards others in the past?

4. Is there a part of myself which fears something here? What might I fear here? And why do I fear that?

5. Is there a part of myself which has learned to expect this behavior, which has come to believe that this is the way this person, or others in general, will behave?

6. Is there a part of myself which believes that, for some reason, I deserve this behavior?

7. Is there a part of myself which behaves towards my own self in the way that this person behaves to me?

8. Is there a part of myself which occasionally would like to act or behave in that way but something stops me?

9. Does this behavior remind me of anything which I experienced as a child?

10. Am I perhaps playing some role here which is attracting this behavior from the other?
A. The victim B. the intimidator C. The teacher D. The parent E. The child F. The intelligent one G. The righteous one H. The rebel I. The strong one – without needs J. The just one K. The Good person L.The one Responsible for all M. The server N. The weak one O. The spiritual person P. The judge Q. The Aloof one, R. The Critic or Interrogator Q.. Some other role?

11. Which are my needs or attachments which are being intimidated by this behavior?

12. What will I lose if I do not get the behavior I want from that person?

13. Do I have any feelings of guilt here which might be being mirrored? Are feelings of guilt or responsibility for the other making me vulnerable to this behavior?

14. Am I being critical, judgmental or rejecting here?

15. Do I have any internal conflicts which are being played out here? Is there a part of myself which doubts my own self and agrees with the other?

16. Are there any emotions, needs and beliefs which I have not communicated in a clear way to the other?

17. What is my lesson here? What do I need to change in order to stop attracting this behavior and in the case that it appears, not be bothered by it?

18. What do I need to do to maintain my happiness?

19. Now imagine that the other person actually changes and behaves exactly as you wish, and becomes a perfect friend respecting your every need, and that this problem has completely disappeared. Notice how you feel with this idea.

fig 24

The next step is to work on getting free from the beliefs which are creating our mirroring and projecting so that we can get free by learning our lessons. If you are interested in going even more deeply, you might want first to work with a more detailed questionnaire (fig. 27), which is placed towards the end of this chapter, before going on to the process of transformation of beliefs. If not simply continue here.

FREEING OURSELVES FROM THE MIRROR

After having worked with the previous questionnaire, and having discovered some of the elements which are attracting this behavior, we are now ready to make a list of the old negative beliefs which have bound us to those internal factors which are reflecting here. The next step is then to establish a list of the new positive beliefs which we want to strengthen so as to attract a more positive reality.

MAKING A LIST OF BELIEFS
The following chart (fig. 25) will help us put all that into perspective. We divide a sheet of paper in three columns. In the left column we write the aspects of ourselves which is reflecting. In the middle column we write the beliefs which generate that aspect of our inner world. In the right column we write the opposite positive beliefs which we want to strengthen. Notice that for your convenience the numbers of the “aspects of my inner world” are from the previous questionnaire. If you have difficulty finding the opposite positive beliefs, you can refer to the list of positive affirmations in fig. 28. The numbers here refer to those which are found in the previous questionnaire, starting with no. 3 our behavior.

CREATING A LIST OF POSITIVE BELIEFS

THE ASPECT OF
MY INNER WORLD THE NEGATIVE
BELIEF OPPOSITE POSITIVE
BELIEF

________________________________________3. My behavior
________________________________________4. My fears
________________________________________5. My expectations
________________________________________6. Doubt about self worth
________________________________________7. I behave towards self that way
________________________________________8. I part of me would like to act that way
________________________________________9. Reminds me of childhood
________________________________________10. My roles are mirroring
________________________________________11. & 12. My attachments
________________________________________13. My guilt
________________________________________14. My criticism
_________________________________________15. Internal conflicts
________________________________________16. Lack of communication
________________________________________17. A part of me wants to have this problem
________________________________________Fig. 25
_______________________________

A PLAN FOR WORKING WITH THOSE BELIEFS

A. Now we make a list of three of the above beliefs in the right column which we want to strengthen, in order to free up our inner peace and love.
1. ___________________________________
2. ___________________________________
3. ___________________________________

B. Here, we now make a list of ways in which you will strengthen those beliefs. (Perhaps with written affirmations, relaxation cassettes, or by making signs to remind your self.)

__________________________________ __________________________________

C. ACTIONS WHICH WILL BRING ABOUT AND REFLECT THOSE CHANGES IN BELIEFS. Imagine that you already believe those three beliefs. How would you feel, behave and react differently to the same stimuli from the other?
1. What would you do which you have not done until now because your old beliefs forced you not to?
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

2. What would you cease doing because you have been doing that until now only because you old beliefs forced you to?
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

3. Having made those changes in your ways of thinking, reacting and behaving, how do you imagine the others will start reflecting you in a new way?
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

D. Now that you have realized that the others were simply mirroring aspects of yourself, write a separate letter to each person who you now realize has been mirroring back to you. You can also write letters to your body, to society, to life in general, but give importance at first to your relationships
1. Explain to each that you have now seen clearly that they were only mirroring parts of your self back to you and were not responsible for your reality.
2. Explain details concerning exactly what was, or still is, in you which was, or still, is reflecting through them back to you. You can also refer to the roles you were playing.
3. Release them from every responsibility for your feelings and your reality.
4. Forgive them and wish for them the best.
5. Explain to them what you plan to do now that you realize that the source of your problem is in yourself.
6. Explain to them what they can do to help you until you are able to transform that part of yourself. Explain what you need from them.

F. Now we could perform a psychodrama in which a facilitator plays the role of the person who was the mirror and we explain all that we have mentioned above. If this is not possible, then we can read our findings to a photograph of the person.

G. If we feel that it will be beneficial, we can then actually communicate with the person, who was mirroring us all the time, and explain all this to him personally without accusing or criticizing.
________________________________________fig. 26

Those interested in an even deeper analysis of what is being mirrored or projected may want to work with following questionnaire (fig. 27) . In such a case, then it would be better to answer this questionnaire before the ones above (fig. 25 & 26). Ordinarily this questionnaire should have been given after the first questionnaire Fig. 24, but our thought was that some may not want to do such detailed work on themselves, and thus we have placed it here for those who really want to understand themselves and get free.

________________________________________

Mirroring possibilities
In situation “x”

1. My attachments are being mirrored
a. What am I not getting here which I believe that I need?
b. What are my needs here?
c. Why do I need that?
d. What will happen if I do not get what I want? If things do not happen the way I want them?

2. There is a part of me which believes that this is the way it will be.
a. Is there a part of me that has come to expect this?
b. Is there a part of me that feels that I do not deserve something better?
c. Is there a part of me that has gotten used to it being this way?
d. Does this situation remind me of other situations in the past? Perhaps the same emotions or situations?
1. From the age of 0 to 7 2. From 8 to 12 3. From 13 to 20 4. From 21 to now

3. A part of me is getting something from this.
a. Is there a part of me which is perhaps receiving something from this? What?
b. Am I verified in some way by what is happening?
c. Am I punishing myself in any way?
d. Do I receive some type of satisfaction in not getting what I want, or in being the victim?
e. Do I receive any sense of being affirmed by what is happening – perhaps that I am right or good and the others are not?
f. Do I receive any feelings of security through what is happening?
g. Does what is happening help me to get the others’ attention?
h. Do I get anything from complaining or criticizing about this? What ?
i. What will I lose if this situation disappears forever?

4. I am playing roles which are reflecting here.
a. What roles am I playing here?
1. Perfect 2. Strong 3. Weak 4. Unable 5. Victim
6. Good guy 7. Bad guy 8. Teacher 9. Child 10. Parent
11. Rebel 12. Right 13. Smart 14. Aloof 15. Critic, interrogator 16. Other?
b. Which roles am I putting others into?
1. Are they playing the same roles?
2. Are they playing the opposite roles?
3. What are the opposite roles?

5. My inner conflicts are being mirrored here
a. Is there a part of myself which wants what is happening to happen?
b. Is there a part of myself which agrees with the others even a little?
c. Is there a part of myself which would like to be like the other?
d. Am I pressuring myself to be as I am? How would the other part of myself which is being pressured like to act?
e. Is there any part of myself which doubts what I am doing?
f. Do I fear making decisions on my own?
g. Am I looking for others or life itself to affirm my decisions or actions?

6. My fears are being mirrored.
a. What am I afraid might happen here?
b. What am I afraid of losing here?
c. Am I afraid of asking clearly or confronting for what I want?
d. What will happen if this situation is never solved? What is the worst?
e. What fear must I overcome in order to solve this problem internally or externally?
f. Does any part of me actually to some degree simultaneously fear exactly what I want here?

7. My behavior or attitude is being mirrored.
a. Have I ever acted the way the other is in the past?
b. Have I ever criticized or laughed at or rejected others who were once in the situation I am in now?
c. Have I ever ignored others who were in the situation I am now?
d. Are there parts of myself which would like to act in the way the other is?
e. Do I have a sense of pride here or a feeling of superiority which is being intimidated by what is happening?
f. Have I ever looked down on others who are now in my present position?
g. Do I ever have emotions similar to those who are now interacting with me?
h. What do I do which bothers the others in this situation?
i. If I were the other, how would I feel in this situation?
j. How must the other feel in order to act in this way?
k. What do I do which might make him feel this way?
l. Am I criticizing others in this situation?
m. Am I criticizing myself?

8. My past is being mirrored
a. Can I see my past being mirrored here?
b. Have I experienced this before?
c. Have I been in the opposite position in the past?

9. My emotions (except fear) are being mirrored
a. Do I have any guilt here?
b. Is my guilt asking for punishment?
c. Is my guilt preventing me from feeling that I deserve something better?
d. Do I have anger here? Towards whom am I angry and for what?
e. Am I feeling rejection?
f. Am I feeling bitter, abused, hurt?
g. Do I find it difficult to forgive here?

10. My thoughts, beliefs, and expectations are being mirrored
a. Is there a part of me which believes that this is actually what I can expect from life?
b. Is there a part of me which believes that this is what I deserve?
c. Is there a part which believes that I must be unhappy for some reason?
d. Is there a part of me which fears being happy?
e. Are any of the following beliefs working to some degree in me:
1. I am responsible for the other’s happiness, health, satisfaction.
2. I am a failure – not a good person if those for whom I am responsible are not well, happy and satisfied.
3. If I ask for something and am rejected, I lose my self worth.
4. Others do not love me.
5. I am not lovable.
6. My self worth depends on being loved and accepted by others
7. There is no justice. I am a victim.
8. People want to use me.
9. I cannot trust others.
10. I am in danger.
11. I am not safe alone. I need someone close to me.
12. I should not be happy if my loved ones are not well and happy.
13. I need someone to protect me, to guide me , to tell me what to do.
14. Others want to suppress, control me, limit my freedom.
15. If they loved me, they would do what I ask of them.
16. I must be perfect.
17. Others must function the way I want them to.
18. I must do what others ask or expect from me.
19. No one understands me.
20. In order to feel safe and secure I need ________________
21. In order to feel my self worth, I need______
22. In order to feel free I must______
23. If I forgive others, they will think that they are right and I am wrong
24. If I forgive others, they will do the same things again.
________________________________________
Fig. 27

The following list (fig. 28) of positive affirmations will help you to transform your belief system.
________________________________________

POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS These affirmations correspond to the possible answers to the questionnaire MIRRORING POSSIBILITIES IN SITUATION “X”

1. MY ATTACHMENTS ARE BEING MIRRORED
A. I am happy without that.
B. I am secure without that
C. I am worthy of love and acceptance regardless of all external factors

2. THERE IS A PART OF ME WHICH BELIEVES THAT THIS IS THE WAY IT WILL BE.
A.I am worthy of health, happiness, love and respect.
B. I deserve a happy life.

3. A PART OF ME IS GETTING SOMETHING FROM THIS.
A. I am worthy regardless of whether the other is good or evil, right or wrong.
B. The other does not need to be wrong for me to be right.
C. I feel safe and secure in every situation.
D. I feel capable of coping with every situation.
E. I have the inner power and guidance to face every possible situation.

4. I AM PLAYING ROLES WHICH ARE REFLECTING HERE.
A. I act and serve through my roles without needing to seek my self worth or security through them.
B. I am an eternal soul in the process of evolution.
C. I am not the roles I play, I am the eternal unlimited witness.

5. MY INNER CONFLICTS ARE BEING MIRRORED HERE
A. I accept all parts of my being as if they are my children.
B. I live my life in accordance with my inner voice.
C. I trust in my inner guidance.
D. I accept and love all parts of my being, without feeling required to comply with their particular needs.
E. As a sacred being , all parts of me are sacred.

6. MY FEARS ARE BEING MIRRORED.
A. I feel God’s protecting love in every situation.
B. I have total faith in the Divine Plan which brings me at each moment exactly what I need for my evolution.
C. I have total faith in the Divine Plan which brings to my loved ones at each moment exactly what they need for their evolution.
D. I am an immortal and invulnerable soul in the process of evolution.
E. God loves me and all others unconditionally.

7. MY BEHAVIOR OR ATTITUDE IS BEING MIRRORED.
A. I love myself and others exactly as we are at this stage of our evolutionary process.
B. I feel security in God’s love.
C. I understand the others for their weaknesses.
D. I feel safe and secure in every situation.
E. I behave towards others as I would like them to behave towards me.
F. I put myself in the other’s place before speaking or acting.

8. MY PAST IS BEING MIRRORED
A. I accept my mistakes and their consequences.
B. I forgive all including myself for the past.
C. I ask forgiveness from all who have felt pain through my behavior.
D. I forgive myself for my ignorance in the past.

9. MY EMOTIONS (EXCEPT FEAR) ARE BEING MIRRORED
A. I accept and love myself exactly as I am at this stage of my evolution.
B. I accept and love all others exactly as they are at this stage of their evolution.
C. I feel safe and secure in every situation.
D. I accept total responsibility for my reality.
F. I accept life’s lessons which help me in my evolutionary process.
G. I have faith in the Divine Plan.

10. MY THOUGHTS, BELIEFS, AND EXPECTATIONS ARE BEING MIRRORED
a. Each is responsible for his happiness, health, and satisfaction.
b. I seek to help those around me to be well, without seeking my feelings of self worth through the results of my effort.
c. I ask for what I need, without identifying my self worth with how the others respond.
d. Everyone loves me.
e. I am lovable.
f. My self worth is totally independent of what others think of me.
g. I live in a just world, which brings me exactly what I need.
h. We each help and support each other without feeling obliged.
i. I trust others
j. I am eternally safe
k. I am safe wherever I am.
l. I want my loved ones to be happy, but can be happy when they are not.
m. I am totally capable of handling all situations which may come my way.
n. I am free to be myself in all situations.
o. I feel the others’ love even when they cannot respond to my requests.
p. I am worthy of being loved without needing to be perfect.
q. I feel safe allowing others to function according to their own inner guidance.
r. Others continue to love me even when I cannot respond to their needs or beliefs.
s. I feel understood in most cases and do not feel the need to be understood in cases where I am not.
t. Forgiving others is my release into peace and happiness.
u. Forgiving others heals my relationship with them.
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fig. 28

I suggest that you select the positive affirmations which appeal to you and make signs or cards to place where you will see them frequently.

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