Forgiveness and Freedom with TAT and BSFF
From the book Love is the Choice by Robert Elias najemy
A prerequisite to steady and lasting love is the ability to forgive others and ourselves for mistakes we make when we are controlled by illusions, programming, fears, desires and impulses. When we cannot let go of what has happened, our present is overshadowed by the past and more specifically the negative or painful emotions and energy fields created by those events.
Forgiveness is the process of cutting the cord to the nonexistent past. Without forgiveness, we are not free to live the present. We are prisoners of our past and cannot love ourselves and others unconditionally.
We are presenting you here a brief outline of how to work on forgiving yourself and others, because you can read a more detailed discussion in the book The Psychology of Happiness or download the chapter for free at:
We are the victims of our negative emotions
Feelings of resentment, which sometimes lead to disillusionment, anger and even hate, have a very powerful effect on our nervous, endocrine and immune systems. When such feelings also lead to feelings of weakness, helplessness and hopelessness, then our defense system is even more seriously impaired. Scientific studies show that the defense system is frequently challenged after the unexpected loss of someone or something very important to us. That could be a loved one, a job, our appearance, home, social status or anything else that is very important to us and the loss of which we cannot accept. In some of these cases cancer or some other immune weaknesses may develop.
Long standing resentment can be transferred into physical terms as arthritic or rheumatic problems. This transferal of specific emotions into physical phenomena is an extremely interesting field that will gain much more attention in coming years as medical science will be forced to investigate it.
When we hold on to resentment, anger or hate we harm ourselves. Those feelings exist in our bo. They affect our liver, our kidneys, our heart, our blood vessels, not the other?s. They inhibit our happiness, not the other?s. They limit our reality. We are harming ourselves with these feelings. When we feel hurt by some life event, such as the loss of a loved one or something else very important to us, what do we gain by holding on to the past, concentrating with bitterness on the injustice of life? Does life suffer or do we suffer?
A natural step in our creation of a loving reality is to forgive ourselves and others for all that has happened and move on into the present.
Six Steps of Forgiveness
Forgiveness should not be superficial or rushed. Many, when they start this work, believe that they have nothing to forgive. We may have forgiven consciously but our subconscious may still have stored up feelings of which we have no awareness.
We have found that the process of forgiveness has six stages:
1. We must first get in touch with the feelings of hurt, bitterness, injustice, anger, guilt or shame still present in our subconscious or inner child.
2. We will then need to express and release those feelings in the various ways. (Letters, psychodrama, catharsis techniques – seek professional help for that step)
3. We then proceed to clean out the negative energy fields associated with these unpleasant experiences with forms of Energy Psychology such as EFT, Self-deprogramming, TAT and BSFF. (We will describe the last two shortly.) For details on how to employ EFT for forgiveness go to:
4. When we have discharged the energy associated with these emotions (which might take from a few days to a few years), then we are ready to move on to the stage of understanding. Understanding has two aspects.
a. We need to understand that we and others live in ignorance of our real divine nature and that our actions and behaviors and their actions and behaviors are often based on fear, insecurity and our need for self-affirmation.
b. We also need to understand that we exist and are evolving in a universe with divine laws, that allow to happen to us only what is perfect for our spiritual growth process. Thus no one could ever have done anything to us that was not part of a just and wise system designed for our growth. In the same way, we could not have ever done anything to anyone that was not actually what he or she needed for his or her growth process.
Note: This truth does not prevent us from expecting and asking people to behave towards us with respect. Nor does it absolve us from the basic moral code of doing to others only what we would like them to do to us. It does mean, however, that we can forgive the others and ourselves for the ignorance from our past, from which we are now seeking to free ourselves.
5. Having understood, then we are ready to forgive others and ourselves.
6. The last stage is to feel love for that person and wish for his or her best possible growth.
The main obstacles to forgiving
We sometimes have difficulty forgiving for the following reasons:
1. We still feel vulnerable towards this person and fear being hurt again, and thus we want to keep an emotional distance. Not forgiving gives us an excuse for keeping this person out of our heart. Usually, in such a case, we subconsciously need to maintain a negative image of this person, remembering only his or her negative traits and ignoring positive ones. In this way we can justify holding on to our negative feelings and not forgiving. This state is unnatural for our inner self, which seeks unity and love.
2. Another obstacle is that we confuse forgiving someone with admitting that he or she is or was right and thus we were wrong. We believe that only one person in a conflict can be right. We believe that if we forgive him, it is like saying, “you were right and I was wrong”.
We need to cultivate the truth that there are many perceptions of any situation and that we can forgive someone even when he or she is clearly wrong. That is what forgiveness is all about. Usually we want the other to admit he or she was wrong. Real forgiveness does not make that a prerequisite. It forgives even when the other does not see the mistake. Of course, we have the right protect ourselves from further harm.
3. In some cases not forgiving someone is a defense / control mechanism which we use in order to “cover” ourselves. For example, not forgiving someone may serve our need to control him or her. As long as we do not forgive and the other is to “blame”, we may be able to get him or her to do various things that we desire, in order to “earn our forgiveness”. This is a form of emotional black mail.
4. Another case would be that by blaming another we can have an excuse for not getting our lives together. The supposed reason why we cannot be creative or productive or take responsibility for our lives is that the “others are to blame”. Thus we subconsciously have every thing to gain by keeping the others in the “guilty” verdict.
Truths That Aid Forgiveness
Some truths that help us forgive others are (some are based on various spiritual beliefs or Christian concepts which may or may not be acceptable to you):
1. All events occur according to wise and just divine laws that bring me exactly what I need at
every stage of my evolutionary process in order to learn the next lesson.
2. Others are simply actors in my life drama, the script of which I write daily.
3. Others are the hands of the divine showing me the lessons I need to learn.
4. All are souls in evolution, whose negative behaviors are the result of their ignorance and fear.
5. Forgiving does not mean saying that what the other did was right, it simply means that Iforgive his ignorance and weakness as a fellow soul in the evolutionary process.
6. Forgiving does not make me vulnerable. Still needing security, affirmation or love from the
other make us vulnerable. Forgiving and loving without needing anything from the other is my real protection.
7. I am the sole creator of my reality. I abuse others when I hold them responsible for what I
8. I have the power to create my life and need not hide behind excuses that I cannot, because of something which others have done or are doing.
9. As souls in the process of evolution we all make many mistakes. This is natural. What is
unnatural is to not forgive ourselves and others for these mistakes.
10. All are aspects in a divine creation. Although they may not realize it, the divine is functioning through them. Not forgiving them, is a failure to forgive the divine.
And Christ?s words:
11. “Let he who has not sinned, throw the first stone.”
12. “Judge not, that you be not Judged.”
13. “You will be judged with the strictness with which you have judged.”
14. Peter asked Christ, “How many times should we forgive someone for what he has done, seven times?” Christ answered, ” No Peter, Seven times seventy times.”
TAT for forgiveness
The most effective technique for forgiveness we have found until now is one developed by acupuncturist Tapas Fleming. It is called Tapas Acupressure Technique or TAT. The version we are describing below is a hybrid between TAT and Self-deprogramming.
We suggest that you perform it on any experiences of the past that have left feelings of pain, injustice, bitterness, anger or hate towards others or guilt or shame about your own actions. The technique is similar for both situations until a certain point (We will let you know where it differs.)
Preparation for the method
1. Start by making a list of events and situations you feel you need to forgive and clean up.
Situations, events and persons I would like to forgive
Name of Person What he/she did How I feel about it
2. Now choose one person and event you would like to free yourself from.
3. You might like here to think of the reasons you would like to forgive. Some examples might be:
a. The other was actually controlled by his own problems, fears and programmings.
b. I will be freer, happier and healthier if I remove this negative energy from my system.
c. I will transcend my emotional self and experience higher states of consciousness.
d. I will be free from old programming and the illusion that others are responsible for myreality.
e. I will connect with the truths that I create my reality and that all that happens is for my
f. I will cease being a child and will become an adult.
g. Since I would like others to forgive me for my mistakes and unconscious moments, it isnatural that I will also do the same for them.
h. Love feels much better than bitterness.
i. Deep down inside I really do love him / her.
j. We are fellow souls in the process of evolution. We both suffer from our weakness and faults.
k. I choose love.
Add here you own reasons for wanting to forgive and love.
The method – TAT for forgiveness
Having established the person and event you would like to work with and why you would like to get free from your negative feelings, you can now begin to employ the method.
Find a comfortable position with the spine straight lying or sitting. In order to facilitate the flow of energy while we go through this process you can place your hands on your body. This resolves the negative energy field while you focus on it. Traditional TAT suggests the thumb of the right hand be placed on the right side of the bridge of the nose and the middle finger of the right hand be placed on the left side of the bridge of the nose. The left hand is placed at the back of the neck where it joins the head. This creates a circle of energy in very important acupuncture meridians altering the energy fields of the negative emotions.
We have also experimented with placing the palms of the hands on the chest, and or abdomen generating an energy flow there, and find this equally effective. This has the advantage of being easier and less straining on the arms. Allow the arms to be as relaxed as possible by supporting them in some way – perhaps pillows. Choose the method you prefer.
1. With your hands in your preferred position, take a few deep breaths and relax. Now bring to mind the person and event. Think about what happened. Remember details of what happened – who was there? What did they do? What really bothered you about what happened? Remember how you felt then. See how you feel now. Do this for around 4 minutes. Here you can also employ steps 2 to 8 of the self-deprogramming technique, by allowing yourself to feel the major emotion, and welcoming it, allowing it to expand like energy or vibration. Experience the need at its source. Let go of the need and the emotion, accept light that heals the emotion. Experience your own inner self-worth and security while remembering the experience.
2. Now you bring the event to mind again but also bring to mind alternative perceptions of that reality that free you from the negative feelings. We want to combine the experience with a new way of seeing it – creating new associations in the brain and mind. Do this for about 4 minutes.
Some examples of alternative perceptions might be:
a. The other is the victim of his/her own programming, fears, needs, attachments and childhood years.
b. My self-worth is immutable as an expression of divine consciousness. No matter what the other says or does, I am worthy of love and respect as I am.
c. I am safe – it does not matter the other does.
d. It is the past and does not exist anymore. I have survived.
e. I have chosen as a soul to learn through this experience.
f. Life gives me only what I need for my evolutionary process.
g. I have the strength to deal with and overcome whatever life gives me.
h. This experience has made me stronger and wiser, better in the following ways…
i. The other was once 5 years old and was programmed by his / her childhood experiences.
j. The universe (God) has allowed this for some reason.
h. I am now able to protect myself. I am not a child
3. Now you can accept healing light and energy from the universe or God, allowing it to flow into the depths of your being, healing the causes of this experience and all tendency to repeat or attract it.
We have already understood that the causes of our reality are within us as past choices, present beliefs. emotions and behaviours, soul lessons that we have chosen and our unique way of making meaning, or interpreting what happens. We can now allow that light and healing energy to heal and dissolve all aspects of our being that attracted this in the past or the present. Allowing all need to re-experience this to dissolve. Accept being free from it – totally. Being free means not have emotions abut it anymore. Do this for at least 3 minutes allowing it to flow into your past choices, present beliefs and behaviors, into your emotional body, your belief system and soul body.
4. Now accept that same healing light or energy into your body and mind and allow it to heal and dissolve all effects this experience has had upon you. Start with your body and move on to your emotions, your relationship with yourself, relationships with family and friends, your work, your economic and professional situations, your sexual life, your spiritual life, your home and anything else that might have been affected by that experience. Allow the light to heal and dissolve for a total of at least 3 minutes
5. Now it is time to identify with the perpetrator. That could be the other person, or a country or group or nature or even God in the case of an earthquake, flood or other event for which we assume God is responsible. In the case where we are working with guilt, then we are the perpetrator. Imagine that you are the perpetrator and experience what he or she was feeling, believing or needing at the moment of the event. What was the actual driving force? (In the case of guilt, seek to understand what you were feeling or needing that led you to that action or lack of action.) Get a sense of the others reality that caused him or her to function in that way. Do this for about 2 minutes.
6. Now we cultivate understanding and compassion for the perpetrator (Or ourselves in the case of guilt). We experiment with feeling understanding and reconciliation. Eventually we play with the idea of forgiving the other and then if possible loving him or her as a being even if we are at odds with his or her behavior. By separating them from their behavior, we can feel safer in forgiving and loving them.
If we feel resistance we can notice what we feel and accept it and employ self-deprogramming for what we feel. Welcome the resistance, allow it to expand through out. Discover its cause, the need creating the resistance and accept it and allow it to expand. Now experiment with letting go, or dissolve in the light or simply experience inner self-worth, security and freedom and let go of anything you were needing from the other.
You can repeat this process prayer and over until you come to a state of inner security that allows you to forgive and love. If you still cannot, accept that and let go of feeling badly about not being able. Come back to it another day.
In the end you might want to use the frame of reference of being able to embrace the other with love regardless of what he or she has done. Then work with any resistance or fear that comes up.
7. In the last stage we focus on accepting and loving ourselves exactly was we are. Although the other may have been wrong and unjust, we may feel or discover that we also played our role in this situation and feel the need to forgive and reconcile with ourselves. (In the case of guilt, we now work of forgiving the other for his her part in this event.) If you feel any resistance to accepting and loving yourself exactly as you are, then allow yourself to feel that resistance and welcome it, allowing it to flow throughout your body and mind. Discover the need or fear that creates that resistance, accept it and let go of it in the ways we have already mentioned. Use this feeling of self-love as a reference point over and over until you are able to feel unconditional love and acceptance for all parts of yourself.
If you feel that there is still some residue of negativity towards the other or yourself, you can continue the process or repeat it or employ EFT for the remaining emotions. For details on how to employ EFT for forgiveness go to: www.HolisticHarmony.com/ezines/ eft____forgiveness.asp or read it in the book Free to Be Happy.
Return to expression and release
If at any point in our forgiveness process, we discover what we are actually not ready because we are still angry or hurt, then we can revert to the previous stages, giving emphasis to expression and release of negative feelings, until we are ready. This may also happen while writing a letter of forgiveness, or in a psychodrama or relaxation. Just switch gears and start the releasing process for whatever is coming up. Then, when ready, continue with the forgiveness process. We release, however, not directed at the others, but on our own, crying, shouting, hitting a pillow etc.
Using BSFF for letting go of multiple emotions
Some of our relationships are complicated and generate a wide variety of emotions including both anger and guilt as well as pain and fear. In such cases we can also use another form of Energy Psychology developed by Larry Nimms called BSFF (Be Set Free Fast). As with EFT we tap on specific acupuncture points while we focus of certain emotions. In this method we focus on a specific issue, in this case a certain aspect of our relationship with a specific person.
A few examples might be:
1. My mother’s criticism.
2. My father’s absence
3. My spouse’s anger.
4. My friend’s letting me down.
5. My children’s rebelliousness.
6. My coworker’s lies.
7. My employer’s demands.
These are specific situations with many aspects that cause various emotions. Pick a specific problem that is limiting your peace, love and or happiness. Focus on it and evaluate how upset you feel when you think about it. Here we will be describing an adaptation of this method, that we have found useful. We are describing its use for clearing relationships issues. It has a wide variety of other uses.
Prelude: In this method we make an agreement with the subconscious that it will include with any emotion we are working on, all of its roots and causes stored in the subconscious from this dimension and all other dimensions. Thus when we tap, we are dissipating not only the emotions, but all causes of these emotions. In addition we are also dissolving all tendencies to repeat or accept back these emotions.
1. Now tap on the point where the eyebrow unites with the bridge of the nose repeating, “In relationship to ____ (place here the person and behavior involved) – I let go of every pain and every cause of pain in my subconscious from this dimension and all other dimensions.
2. Now tap on the cheek below the eye repeating, “In relationship to ____ (place here the person and behavior involved) – I let go of every fear and every cause of fear in my subconscious from this dimension and all other dimensions.
3. Now tap on the end of the index finger repeating, “In relationship to ____ (place here the person and behavior involved) – I let go of all guilt, shame or self-rejection and all causes of guilt, shame or self-rejection in my subconscious from this dimension and all other dimensions.
4. Now tap on the end of the little finger repeating, “In relationship to ____ (place here the person and behavior involved) – I let go of all anger and all roots of anger in my subconscious from this dimension and all other dimensions.
5. Now tap again on the point where the eyebrow unites with the bridge of the nose repeating, “In relationship to ____ (place here the person and behavior involved) – I let go of every trauma and every memory of traumas in my subconscious from this dimension and all other dimensions.
6. Now tap on the end of the index finger repeating, “I forgive myself for all participation in this situation. I have always done the best I can and am now doing the best I can.”
7. Now tap on the end of the little finger repeating, “I forgive ____ (name of person) for all participation in this situation. He / she has always done the best he/she can with his/her programming, fears, needs and attachments and is now doing the best he/she can.”
Now bring the issue to mind and observe how you feel. If there is still disturbance, you can continue to clear it up with this method or with EFT, TAT or Self-deprogramming. Clearing up such issues will allow us to open our hearts to love.
Look at our site www.HolisticHarmony.com for audio files for guidance in these methods.
Face To Face
When you are really ready to forgive and love, then you are ready to communicate directly with the persons with whom you want to correct your relationship.
a. If they are presently living, you can write a letter, telephone or visit.
b. If they have left their bodies, you can write a letter or communicate with them mentally in a relaxation or meditation technique.
You do not need to actually say the words, “I forgive you for your mistakes” for this may insinuate that they were wrong, something which may not be true for them. We can simply express our need to recreate our relationship and naturally express the love that is actually within you for that person.
In the next chapter, we deal with self-forgiveness.